INSTINCT!

on that cliff once more,
a steeper one that is.
gathering all strength,
I hastily build a wall,
right now! Fast!
otherwise I will take an extreme fall.
a fall like none yet.
that which i can't see myself surviving
what are these emotions for anyway if we have to keep it bottled up inside?
yet releasing them could mean the end of a friendship that has been wonderful.
but the irony is we wouldn't really know what the outcome is until we try.

a day that started with a headache.
ended with good music and a calmer spirit.

i ended up not going to work today.
i felt like I would not have been productive anyway.
so i colored my hair--purple brown
i bought myself a pair of dreamcatcher earrings,
went to watch my one of my lil sis' gig in makati
and ended watch aquarella, a brazillian band, at monks dream
now that's pretty productive don't you think?

i've been doing alot of experiential learning the past few weeks,
loving the intellectual stimulation it brings.
been meeting people, appreciating other music genres....
been able to have a grand ol time...
making me say, "now this is why I love life!"
so to you bugs, you know who you are, my appreciation.
with my hand over my heart, i thank you.
you've been a great companion
a toast to more escapades!

upon getting home, i decide to check my email
and an email from a highschool friend came
so now m trippin on memories and was inspired to write in filipino,

para sa mga kaibigan nung panahon na simple pa ang buhay,
nung nagsisimula palang tayong hanapin ang ating indibidwalidad
ngayon may sarili nang mga buhay....
may mga pamilya...
napakarami na ng pinag daanan,
ngunit patuloy parin sa pagtuklas,
bumabangon sa bawat umagang darating.

kelan kaya tayo ulit magkikita kita?
miss ko na tayo.
inuman...
kantahan...
mga balik tanaw sa kahapon...
sa isang samahan na hindi mabubuag,
ng panahon o ng sinuman.

salamat sa inyo mga mare.

strange how i fit into you,
there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease.
strange how you fit into me,
a gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs...
.:Vienna Teng:.

i'm tracing the contours of this puzzle piece. seems as though it can fit well, though it might need a bit of sanding...

rough as it is, yet i believe and hope that time can make the grooves much better. in the back of my mind i fight with doubt. i try so hard to demise the fact that he'll end up simply as just a part of the past's imprint. but part of me believes that when i get to fit all the pieces together, i can always hold that one fragment and remember the happiness it brought me.

i will forever be grateful...

people come into your life for
a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.
people that touch your life will NEVER be a just a coincidence.

HELLUVA NIGHT!

people with one mission for the night...drink, dance and simply to let go!

the realization that all work and no play makes DreamCatcher a dumb girl hit me tonight.
doesn't really mean that I'll be partying every single night.
not to mention the nature of my job won't permit such.
its just that I need that time where my main goal for the night is to enjoy.
that has not been so for the past month.
although I have been getting very positive evaluations from my boss, including a chance to be promoted,
i feel like I've been such a workaholic.
so last night i had the chance.

funny how the decision to go solo actually produced an awesome night.
we celebrated chavis and yanna's birthday at Xaymaca.
jiLL was there to capture the moments ( nice to see ya gurl!)
the best reggae party to date.
booze, sessi0n road and dancing is a sure fire hit!
the best surprise was the people I met that night.
we may never cross paths again or recognize each other (blame it on the smb lite) if we see each other.
but what mattered was that very moment when everyone just wanted to let their hair loose.
although a group made a scene with a gun, that never stopped us.
Nor did it stop the energy in Xaymaca.

truly a helluva a night!

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	DreamCatcher
You will die on:	Sunday, December 4, 2033
You will die of:	Ritual Sacrifice
Username:
Created by Quill

Dearest Dreamcatcher,

An old friend of mine once told me that falling inlove again is like being way up high on the hill looking down on a calm river that could soothe the pain of the scorching sun. You cannot see how deep it is from where you're standing. But it looks inviting, tempting.

Either you go down to the hill and test the waters for shallow rocks.

Or (as crazy as you are) just dive in.

Love is taking chances, it is also letting go to the feeling that envelopes you, trusting your instincts, having faith in yourself, and never ever be scared of getting hurt for you know you'll heal. Love's a rollercoaster, and everyone wants a seat.

And when you jump off that hill, you'll never be the same again.

Diary.


Posted: Jul 12 2003, 12:21 PM @ SMB Forums

there is a whole world out there and I had to see it...
if I tell life what it has to be you limit it.
but if you let it show you what it wants to be, it will open doors you never knew existed.
Andre, from the movie "Tortilla Soup"

what is it I still seek?
there is uneasiness in me.
is as if I am looking for something.
significance of my existence?
is it recognition of my efforts?
could it be love?

cigarette in hand, music engulfing me. I let myself loose amongst my thoughts. that maybe in this moment before I let the career take hold once more, I might find some answers. or is it a way to console myself. because for someone that believes in exploring and letting the world open up to her, I am not doing that well. I let career rule me instead of me being in control. maybe, just maybe, I am doing or thinking something wrong. i wouldn’t really know, cause life never came with a manual. on the beautiful side, so far I still manage.

i still love life, that is what matters
I still hold on to my dreams, knowing that a step at a time...
I’ll get there.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
People around you might think that you have never matured, dear Gemini, and that you still have the mind of a child. It might not seem obvious at first, but your light-hearted attitude is also a symbol of great wisdom. As with those who have truly committed to long-term romances, you will find out that you will never lose your light-heartedness.

so true!!!

QUERIES

why do the accounts keep pouring in one after the other?
what happend to the other team members i have?
will the time come that i can take some rest after every training session?
who is listening to me anyway?
when will this crunch time end?
do i make sense?

QUESTIONS TO YOU

Why is my patience dwindling?
Why am I restless?
Is as if I suddenly have lost faith in destiny
I told myself that would be the last time I would talk about it
That I would focus on career and wait
Trusting that when that time comes I would just know
Then why this feeling
‘tis as if loneliness creeps in
Planting doubts in my heart
Then taking its poison, attacks my mind
Making me pose questions
That I seem to know the answers to
And yet I am blinded.
Selfishly wanting, NOW.
Great Spirit, fill me with assurance
Let my mind stop its wandering
And my heart be still

Only you.

WEEKEND REST

it was a choice to get double pay or to take the day off because of the holiday.
i chose the later
i need to rest
i don't want another burnout right after my vacation.

sometimes i think i'm doing something wrong with my job
that my boss thinks like i'm not giving my best
i find it hard to work up to his standards
that i just constantly remind myself that i just have TO DO my job
if he finds it inadequate i still know i gave it my best shot
its hard to have a boss who's married to his chosen profession

as for me its all about balance
that between your job and the things that matter to you
the people that matter too
right now its challenging to find that balance
work demands too much while things are happening around you
guess that makes it more exciting...

sigh

SHOTGUN POETRY

ahhh...
what did I expect from this good friend
great poetry from the heart.
these poems will be on exhibit in Manifesto, a bar in Timog
i will post the dates when i get them
we would like to hear what you think of it as well!
so leave me your comments

check it out...

STANDING ON MY OWN

its final.
they're moving away.
all i feel is fear.
of not having the comfort zone of them being near.
that incase i make a boo boo, they can come and help me.
and as were a lost and confused little girl,
i find myself emotional.
distressed and afraid.
thought i have been living independently for 8 months now.
i am still scared.
now more than ever i want to tell them i love them.
it takes this separation, for us to lower our emotional defenses.

A YEAR OLDER

isolation from the world. be alone with my thoughts. there is a need for me to look back after 2 weeks of being too preoccupied with my so-called career. i feel like my life is too messy (again =p) at this point and i need this day to clean-up. to be able to feel that i DID turn a year older. a tad bit more mature (?).

it would be nice to have a talk with myself now that i'm 26. sounds weird? heck, i'm different anyway =p i've always been. yet i still have managed to lead a good life. not perfect. but one that has taken me to a lot of places and taught me things.

though at times i don't understand why things in my life have to happen the way they do. but as they say there are times that you have to just go with the flow. a few questions here and there. then you gotta do it anyway and anyhow. then after a few days or months you realize, things DO happen for a reason. like why i had to move away or take that 1 month leave.

amidst everything that has happened to me, i am thankful that i am still enjoying life. that means i still have the ooportunity to do alot of things.
to explore more.
to influence
to love...

life goes on!

to you Great Spirit...thank you for all the blessings. for 26 years you have sustained me. and though i could be a stubborn little girl at times, you have been patient.

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

reminiscent
longing
missing
that of being loved and loving back

questioning
doubting
puzzled
of its non-existence in my life

raining
cold weather
being alone
thoughts flooding my mind makes me want it more

patience
belief
faith in destiny
that it will come at the right time

UNEXPECTED GIFT

i thought my birthday ended.
my friends picked up from starbucks because we had to pick up other friends and catch the last full show.
indeed we caught a good show.
their show.

i said i needed to use the bathroom. when i came in the lights were off.
when it came back on...SURPRISE!!!!
flowers, balloons and even streamers saying "happy birthday"
everywhere.
everything was in purple too. even the roses.
i said to myself "wow, i feel so special."
and i thought my birthday was just a passing day.

the day started out like a bullet missing its target.
but it ended well.

to my friends,
a big kiss and my heart full of thanks.
it was such an unexpected gift. all the acting paid off!
galing nyong umarte! pang famas
to rachel and jansi, what can say but SALAMAT! we have indeed gone through alot! and still here we are FRIENDS!
to ched...next time you have to be there
i love you my soulsisters!!!

i am so blessed.
thank you my abba. thank you for life and the situations that make you celbrate a day at a time.

UNEXPECTED EVENTS

i had a long day at work yesterday.
went home and realized my keys were not in bag.
called up jansi since she has her set of keys
but she said it would take them 30mins to get home
that was the longest wait outside the door of my own house.
stooofid me to forget!

i was preparing for the SMB EB
but i felt i just needed to lie down a bit
i woke up 2 hours after, LATE!
panicked, i called persh up and asked
if she knew the numbers of the people.
she got them for me, good thing inababes was already in megamall
it was easier to coordinate.

finally we found jonathan and 11th
at starbucks megamall
but them my housemates had to pick me up
so i had to bid them goodbye and apologize.
i wasnt even able to talk that long.

it was one exhausting day but it ended well.

to inababes...thanks for being patient, i was late again...some things don't change huh?
to jon and 11th...nice to meet you guys! sa uulitin...i'd block the day.
to joy ...i'm really sorry you had to wait with no avail...bonk me in the head...wag malakas ha

i'm tired.
extremely exhausted.
and yet i still go on.
i promised to never overwork myself with this job.
but here i am still at the office.
on MY special day.
what can be more pathetic.

i could have been in xaymaca last night.
my favorite hangout.
with my favorite band
playing the songs i want to hear.
with the people that matter.
but i was stuck in the office training.
with a 5am telecon.
what can be more sad.

please my abba.
take my sadness.
let my heart learn to smile despite the exhaustion.
make this day be significant.
let this day be special

MEANTIME GIRL

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh.
She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend.
She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.
She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either.
She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light.
She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by.
She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.
But she's cool,and nice, and funny, and attractive tough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.
You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.
You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her.
She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need.
And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.
It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you.
She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.
She's just so cool...why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.
You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with.
Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to.
But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off.
Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.
Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want)in a woman.
So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd.
She's safe.
She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room.
But she wants to turn someone's head.
She wants to be special to someone, too.
We all do.

She has feelings.
She has a heart.
In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.
She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl.
Been one more times than I care to admit.
I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care.
I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too.
A lot.
And someday we won't be around.


~An anonymous meantime girl~

nope its not something i wrote.
it was emailed by a friend.
i just had to post it up.
feel free to comment.
my reaction?
i can totally relate!

A LOVE LETTER

to the one man that I will forever be grateful to.

You demonstrated unconditional love. If there was one man that showed me it was possible it’s you. Though everyday was a test of the limits of your patience, you stretched it if only to show me how much you truly cared. You understood and cared despite my stubbornness and immaturity. You saw me at my best and worst yet when you look at me you saw a woman capable of anything she dreamed of.

You taught me to appreciate simple things. Good things come in small packages, you believed in that. Giving me material possessions was not your style; instead you gave me wings and took me to places. Instead of buying me flowers, you took me to gardens where I was surrounded with all the flowers my mind can keep. When others were expecting me to act like a lady, you took pride in my individuality. You respected me for who I was then and who I can become. In some way you knew I would need to do things my way in order to learn, all that while you remained silent but present. Ready to catch me when I fall.

You showed me how to survive. It was a difficult world we both agreed. You knew that it could be more difficult for women. You helped me realize that being a woman is no excuse. We just needed to stand up for what we believed in. We could do it if we put heart and soul into everything we do. That’s how you survived as well. I know now that words can be worthless but actions are more reliable.

You gave me inspiration. That to live and lead a fulfilled life. When I showed you my poems you told me to write more. You bought me pastels when I started taking up a knack for drawing. You were there to give applause after every performance, and flowers when our indie film came out. And when I made wrong decisions, you gave me words of wisdom and still bailed me out.

You taught me how to love. A love for life. To experience giving oneself to the people that matter. A love that does not have boundaries. The same one you gave me.

People may have opinions of the connection that we have. We had our fights, times that we felt we couldn’t understand one another. Yet in the face of all those circumstances we had a lot of happy moments. The lunch dates that we took in McDonalds, the walks along the camp, trips to the mall, talks we had about anything and everything. Those are the times that we could always look back to when we feel alone. How I wish that we could do those once again. But circumstances change. There was a need for me to find who I really am. And though it was hard on you, you willingly gave me the space to seek out that independence. What more can a woman ask for?

You gave me life. It’s my turn to show my appreciation. To make you proud. To love someone the same way you loved me. Though I feel sad that we now lead separate paths. Know that I will always be praying for blessings. at this time that you are being tested for character, i know you will come out a stronger person with integrity. you are not alone, there are people that care and know who you really are. But then it was you who told me that things happen for a reason, all we had to have was faith and everything will make sense in the end.

Be strong now my dear soldier.

And keep in your heart that I will forever love you.

why do they have to do this?
they assured me training wouldn't happen at the same time and that's exactly what's happening!
why can't the learn to SCHEDULE?
geeeesh! grrrrr....
release...
now back to work.

THE DREAMERS

The universe will conspire to those who dream.

they dare you to dream. That of what you really want in life. Not tugging in tow the restrictions that so called reality dictates. What I urge you is to look into yourself and tell me what you see. in the face of the norms that have been imposed, have we really paused to think what it is we truly want. dreamers have been misunderstood for being escapists and cowards. But what is twisted in creating a world for where everything and anything is possible? To them, there is no limit as to where their minds can take them. Absurd to some, dreamers gain power in visualizations. For each scene is painted by the colors that exist only in one’s heart and each stroke is a manifestation of what is precious. And when one wants something so much, they give themselves the potential of making them real. it is in knowing what you want that you take step by step, endure situation upon situation because you know there will be something of value at the end. Dreamers, create their goal and never take their eyes off of it. They run the race to the finish. And when they see the hurdles they spontaneously conceive of ways to go over them. When a dream is envisioned, will power is unleashed. nothing can stop them. But it starts in knowing what is priceless. To look inside your heart, amidst its clutter, and painting your own reality. At times, it maybe against the norms. But you know that there is nothing to loose in knowing. Take the dare, have the courage and realize what it is to dream.

SESSION ROAD'S 5TH ANNIVERSARY

another night well spent at Xaymaca! and last night was really rockin and groovin, since my favorite alternative band was celebrating their 5th anniversary. alot of people there that i knew fro wherever my journeys have taken me. i never they would like the smae music i do. ahhh...the power of music in connecting people. hey, i even saw jiLL! nice to see ya gurl. happy birthday sessiOn road!! may you make more heart meant music. thanks for the poetry hannah, chavi, jv, richard and coy.

cheers!!!

AN ODE to FRIENDSHIP

a story of a woman's journey

she had met alot of people along the way. by some, she had been hurt. but the Great Spirit was kind to her for she had a handful that were true. those that embrace her for who she truly is. those that saw beyond the characters she sometimes were accustomed to play from time to time. those that went beyond the physical and material, but looked into her spirit. with them, she fears not of being judged rather she is understood. she knows that despite her failures, these people stretches out a hand and helps her back to her feet. they are those that remind her to live life to the fullest. they continue to stand by her. for ehn one is weary the other is strong. when one cannot see the road ahead, the other shall be a guide. and when one forgets the song of life, the other shall it for her.

know that this woman wants you to know how much she values you. you, that she calls a friend and considers her sister or brother. she is prepared to sing the song of life any time, any place.

she loves you with her life. for that is all she can give that is truly hers.

FROM AN EAGER ANGEL TO A DISTRESSED SOUL

why do you doubt the care people have for you? Help us understand your confusion, break down your walls. Though at the end of the day, in the silence of your chambers, you may surrender to depression we utter blessings of protection. Command thy heart to be steadfast, for then healing starts to seep in. Onward dear soldier, you that we truly consider of our blood, let not circumstances take away your will to fight.

A BEACH LIFE

during dinner at fazolis in eastwood they had Blue Crush playing on the big screen.
and i wanted to enter into the screen.
i wanted to have THAT kind of life! a life that's laid back, house by the beach, learn to surf, no pressures!
and the fact that i can swim whenever i want.
when?? when will i be able to have this dream?
is too impossible?
and i thought the universe conspires with a dreamer...

i just finished reading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. amazing philosophies, most of them I agree with. i like the way he composes his thoughts, it’s as if he went through all the possible avenues that that certain thinking can take. the way he questions what crazy really meant? the concept of being normal as simply a consensus among people. and that for the so-called insane person to be cured all they need an awareness of life. when I had finally put the book down all I could do was to clap.

a toast to you mr. coelho!

another book wherein you can identify yourself with the characters at a certain point in your life. it gets you to reflect on how you lead your own life.

are we just merely staying in the bounds of what is normal because of the fear of rejection from the consensus of the world around us?

are we robbing ourselves of the opportunity of experiencing the miracles of life because we are afraid of taking risks?

I am suffering from a lack of responses to an apparent opportunity. its not toward something big. its simply not knowing how to spend an unexpected extra day. it could have been a different scene all together if I probably had a lot of extra cash on me then I would probably be in the mall watching one movie after another. a way to discover a multitude of characters and worlds without having to spend a lot.

I still have hours before I have to rest for an early appointment with the office tomorrow. I am left with blogging. Not that I don’t find writing my thoughts down good output of my time. could this be the consequence of living the decision of remaining in this career. That when I was determined that I was staying I psyched myself up that I would be back to living a very routine life. now that out of the blue I have a free day I am unprepared to find something to do. …sigh…

I think too much. I don’t know why I do but I find it innate. Its like when an idea crosses my mind instant reaction is…lets ponder and analyze. don’t go saying I’m crazy because I share this standard response with a few close friends. I guess it comes from having four years of the scientific method being enforced upon my brain from my science high school.

I just finished reading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. amazing philosophies, most of them I agree with. I like the way he composes his thoughts, it’s as if he went through all the possible avenues that that certain thinking can take. the way he questions what crazy really meant? the concept of being normal as simply a consensus among people. and that for the so-called insane person to be cured all they need an awareness of life. when I had finally put the book down all I could do was to clap.

a toast to you mr. coelho!

another book wherein you can identify yourself with the characters at a certain point in your life. it gets you to reflect on how you lead your own life.

are we just merely staying in the bounds of what is normal because of the fear of rejection from the consensus of the world around us?

are we robbing ourselves of the opportunity of experiencing the miracles of life because we are afraid of taking risks?


posted on:  an old blog

there are defeats. no one can avoid them. but its better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what your fighting for...
from I Sat Down by the River Piedra and Wept by Paulo Coelho

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

I went to Pampanga last Saturday for the christening of a friend's first born son. So some highschool friends and their partners were there to celebrate the occassion. Little did we know that it was also to reignite the friendship bonds.

Highschool were my formative years. It was the first time that I stayed put at a school long enough to form really lasting friendships. It were also the years that you try out a lot of things you will either never do again or take them with you in life. It was FUN! And what made it even more memorable were the people that came into my life.

We called ourselves, ECDCF, El Circulo de Clandestina Forca. According to Y it meant The Circle of Underground Power. Seven women who spoke their minds, attracted to the special kind of power that is found in oneself and the world around us. It was funny how we all partnered up to go to the three UP campuses, one went to CRC. Despite going on seprate paths, we managed to always meet up and check on each other during those college years.

Now that four have their own children, we still are part of each others lives. After last Saturday, i can truly say, I am blessed with my friends. Thank you guys.

To those that have gone astray, we are still waiting for the day you let us into your lives again.

ahhh...now i see the benefits of being so near Eastwood...LUNCH BREAK...you head on to Jack's Loft to eat...its 1am...after 30minutes you head to the Basement...shake your booty a bit...drink a bottle...smoke 2 luckies..its 2am....i think i need a coke....back to work!

ALL IN A WEEK'S WORK

Finally I have time to surf and most of all blog! After 3 days of being stuck in a training room and listening to things I already know about (i trained with them when I was still new in the training team). I gets boring after a while. Now I'm back in our office with a view of Eastwood City! Beautiful!

HE'S BACK...After 8 months of finally moving on, i see him again. *Enter background song: Its All Coming Back to Me by Celine Dion. What really sucks, is I have to work with him and make their stay as pleasing as possible. The dilemna is...How can I be true to myself and still be professional enough to do my job? He has hurt my bestfriend. And now I have to endure being close to him? Not to mention I am at his beck and call. This is torture!!! We'll I'm not sure what acting professional is right now...but hey I'm doing my best!

PAMPANGA TRIP...This weekend I'm heading out to Pampanga with my higschoool barkada. Its Basti's (our barkada's first born son) christening. This is going to be a fun reunion! I'm not so sure I can stay overnight though! At least I get to see old friends and reminisce those formative highscool years!

ABSENCE...Since one of our clients are here, I have to babysit, thus missing Xaymaca Night! I am so itching to get out of here. As I write, its !0:30 pm and by now Session Road has started with its first set. Solution....play reggae songs on WinAmp3 and create a Xaymaca-ish atmosphere in the office. Beer nga dyan! Oh well better than nothing!

Phew!!! Guess I'm really back to working life! Can't wait to have enough money to take a trip to Puerto Galera again! I just need to touch base with the sea and nature! Watch the sun set behind the Rockies.

If home is where the heart is....then Puerto Galera is home!

PAUSE.....PLAY

its like i've been away for a such a long time (duh what's 1 month!) but there have been a lot of changes to the people around me that I have to cope up with.

AHHH XAYMACA...this is definitely one of the places i missed when i went on vacation. i was looking for a reggae bar in thailand but i didnt find any. last night was just great. i had my favorite bottle on one hand, listening to Session Road, seeing that "aliw guy" again, i had "el" with me and people were dancing all around us! my xaymaca come back would have been more exciting if my soul sisters were there. JiLL, was nice t o finally meet you in person. I'll looking forwarding to bumping into you every now and then...see ya!

AFTER XAYMACA FOODFEST... we couldn't go to Mr. Kabab for a reason i will just accept and respect. so it was burger machine instead. the one infront of ABS CBN. jumbo bart burger with cheese and coleslaw, yum-eee! it doesnt really matter where as long as I was able to spend time with "el" and my soul bro. i miss special chelo kabab though and persian guy.

OH NO NIGHT SHIFT AGAIN...it was really a reminder that the pass month was simply a pause at life, now that its back to play it means not having much time for carpe diem nights as we call it. not being able to see certain people that have occupied my life for almost a month. rather its back to thinking about skills and the methodologies i need to use for my trainees to learn them.

CATCHING UP....people gone from work, friends having problems and seeing my "crushie" enjoy working. some of the things that have changed in a month. i had a talk with a friend that will always have a space in my heart, and he was having serious and emotionally-draining problems. he couldn't even smile anymore. sad that he used to have so much energy and i really enjoyed the time i spent with him. now he looks tired and there is much confusion in his eyes. he even blames himself. well like he said he has to figure this out by himself. i treasure this friend and i wish him happines and more creativity in life. to you...know that i will forever be a call away, i miss our coffee times. alot has happend and i was not here to experience it.

well i had managed to pause my life but eventually i would have to resume. hit the play button. i'll get by!

BACK TO WORK

yup...back to work indeed! we do have a new office now (just a floor below) and now we have more privacy, which is good. I still feel unmotivated (is there such a word?) and i still did my delaying tactics this morning. guess my vacation wasn't really as productive as they would have wanted it. *sigh*

i talked to my boss and the deal was 3 months to commit and i might go back to school. or if i get the offer at the other "center" then its only a month that i can offer. i still don't know what i really want to do. but one thing i learned from all my mind-boggling thinking during my break, was that i really have to take it as it comes. i don't know its simply a mystery....

SAN JUAN, BATANGAS


guess the picture says it all...san juan was fun and realxing...laugh trips...bloody moon...roasting marshmalow...grooving to session road songs 8o's tunes....reggae rules....good for the body, the best for the soul....

REALITY CHECK

vacation's over. I'm back in manila.

simply means gotta go fight my demons again. ahhh career choice demons once more. a very tough one between what my heart wants and what will enable me to survive. just the thought of this makes my head throb. to practical or follow the road towards my dreams. sigh!

as of now i am leaning towards being practical. don't get me wrong i am not totally shelving arts and culture, its just a "now" thing. i need to survive. maybe- and i stress on the unsure part of this- i can save up some money then gear towards what i really see myself doing. its so hard to be nice and energetic when you don't have a roof on your head or if your stomach is empty.

this sounds so easy...but it never is. oh Great Spirit, it is your guidance i need!!

BANGKOK

its so similar to Manila. tomorow i will have a day to myself. my parents will be going on a whole day trip to Ayuttaya, one of the ancient capitals of Thailand. I decided to stay in Bangkok since I would like to go to Jim Thompson's House. A museum that showcases authentic Thai interior design. That interests me more than the ruins of Ayuttaya though if I could just pick both I would. I am also decided to give Khao San Road a visit tomorrow. I learned so much about Thailand culture today that I am pretty much interested to explore more about it.

There's been a slight change in plans. My Dad needs to be in a meeting by Saturaday and so we booked a flight back on that day. That means we will be missing out the Songkran Festival. Dang it! Not to mention I will not be seeing Iwan and Chris! I am praying for a miracle though that my Dad will give me enough money to stay one more day. I can even live on Khao San even if it will on a tight budget. Oh soul sisters I wish you were here with me.

Hmmm...it's my last full day in Pattaya and I will be headed to Bangkok by noon of tomorrow. That means goodbye beach. Noooo...i don't want to go!!!!

Well so far I have been to Nong Nooch Garden which a huge garden with almost everything pretty in it. They had a French Garden, Temple Replicas, a huge English Garden, Orchid and Bromeiliad Gardens. The best one was a full Stonehenge Replica!! I think I know my alternative place to make a life time committment. Now to find a groom...tsk tsk...not an easy task.

I think this trip was not necessarily for me. I believe it was more of for my Dad. He needs time away from all the pressures of his job. Here he is free to roam the streets without thinking of what people will say. No one knows him here. Well Papa, enjoy!

As for me this trip has been an eye opener that indeed I thrive in adventure and exploration. I love being able to roam the streets and try to figure out their language- mind you it is no easy task. I also realize I have a different energy when I'm near the beach. As I said the beaches here are too crowded but still I just get a boost of energy when I'm near it and can see it.

As for the decisions that are waiting for me back home. Well, just one thing...i'll be taking it a day at the tiome. Who knows I might juist go back to school. Or better yet move to a new country. As for now I need to go back and tie up loose ends! I love holidays...makes it easier to think.

SOUTH PATTAYA, THAILAND

in a resort called Sigma in JomTien Beach, is the place I will be calling home for the nest 5 days. Finally I have found an internet shope that is not so expensive, so now I will be able to at least blog and check my mail.

The view from our room is simple spectacular! I had to take tons of pictures because of the that. The people are very friendly except that I really need to explain myself everyime I need something. Most of the people speak Thai and they have a hard time with english, even their keyboard is in Thai! But its been a blast exploring! I would have loved to go to the beaches but its a bit crowded, so i believe the hotel pool would do just fine. we might take some tours tomorrow to the Elephant Village and the Nong Nooch Botanical Gardens.

i just got news that we will be in Bangkok in time for the Thai New Year, that would be something to look forward to. There so much to do here and I can see that he's having a good time himslef. We spent the morning looking through brochures and I haven't done that with him for the longest time.

time to hit the pool!

ISANG TULOG NALANG

one more day to rest and I'll be on my way!! I got some advice from Pipsy about the beaches in Pattaya. Oh well, i guess I need to find something to do at least. hmmm...

LAST TWO DAYS

went to the mall today to get my carry-on pack. i am so excited to the maximum definition of excited. i've basically packed my clothes, except for those i am still drying out right now. i'm planning on making a scrapbook of this trip so i've done my cut-outs as well. pray for safety on this trip and that my dad will be able to clear his mind of stress. guess everyone in the family needs this. hope i stay away from trouble. hee hee ™

AN OVER ACTIVE MIND

i said i will stop worrying, thinking and over analyzing and yet my mind remains to be in some hyper mode. even when my body is tired and needs sleep, my mind continues to churn and dreams have been abundant. this happen for more than a week now. confusing dreams, mixed characters-some i do not even know- and multiple situations that i cannot understand. they seem to be a cross between reality and a pseudo-world my overly creative imagination has painted. everytime i wake up, i am just stunned if not sweating from what had just transpired in my mind. i even feel it was too real. it could be just the excitement for my trip. or the pressure of having to make a decision when i get back.

its not that simple. i want to make a good decision but i wouldn't really know the outcome unless i take the risk right? i'll just let destiny take its course. though part of me prays so hard for a miracle anda sign that this is the time and i should take the turn. everything will turn out okay, how? i don't know, its a mystery! ain't that exciting...


LAST THREE DAYS

i can hear and feel the summon of the beach...the call of adventure...ahhh...almost there....

A STORMY MIND

thought upon thought...
like waves hitting the shore on a stormy day...
from different directions they come,
some deep and senseless,
others vital and immediate...

after two weeks of thinking i couldn't take it any longer. it was too much. my poor mind is dead beat. its like one more thought process can snap that thin line. sleep was hard to achieve because my mind was too active. dreams were so vivid from all the activity in my brain. dark circles around my eyes are evidences of my plight. now a vow i take to stop thinking- and analyzing- and simply just listen. heeding the signs of destiny. resting my weary thoughts and having confidence in my dreams. i take it a day at a time.

6 DAYS TO GO...

still counting down till the day i set foot on another country...
to those that have wished me a safe trip...my appreciation.
to those that have given me tips...i look forward to doing all of them.

9 DAYS AND COUNTING

ahhh then its off to a 10-day relaxing rendezvous. i really don't know where all the excitement is coming from. it could be from the fact that this will be my frist trip outside of the country. another reason could be that i just love to travel. or the opportunities to experience a different culture. the call of the beach...the new people i could be meeting.

limitless...right now i just looking forward to this vacation. away from the city, in a place where no one knows me. a trip to country with a very interesting (not to mention) rich culture.

this will be one great trip...no one will stop me from enjoying ...THAILAND here i come!

a SURGE of NEW PEOPLE

i am amazed by the influx of new people reading my blog. not to mention one of them knows a very close friend of mine. thank you dropping by my blog guys...again these are my thought processes that i just wanted to write down, maybe read back and see what lesson i learned from it...

A SIGH OF RELIEF

WHEN DECISIONS ABOUND

There is something I still seek. Despite the abundance of rest and creativity that is overflowing, there is still a part of the puzzle that baffles me. Try so hard, I have to make sense of this and yet I end up mentally exhausted. The night lamp has been burning for days and my body clock confused. In search for at least a clue, but no luck.

Risk. Indeed it is constant in life. When we are afraid to paddle on till the river bend we never really know what lies around it. Most of us are paralyzed by the possibility of raging rapids that awaits us. Fear, the existence of it may rob us of opportunities that we may regret in the long run. But the question that prevails, are we ready to take the risk? Another word to consider, preparedness. Can we really prepare for everything? My belief is that we cannot, otherwise, I am going against my belief in faith and destiny. What then is pulling me back from taking the plunge? Could it be my not wanting to leave another comfort zone?

I had told myself that I would be true to myself. I can very well say I know what I want and what I see myself doing. And yet I am confronted with the anxiety of not being able to see it through. What ever happened to my enthusiasm for adventure and plunging into the unknown? Why is there inconsistency of what I would want and what I see myself I am capable of doing? Why do I continue to ask when it actually restricts me from making a move. I have become too much dependent on stability. But could we possibly achieve stability without the threat of failure?

Options and restrictions exist to every decision that we have to make. But I go by the motto of Carpe Diem. It may seem to some as a hindrance, yet I have always considered my being a free-spirit as a strength rather than a weakness. We can never know what tomorrow brings. We may prepare to the best of our ability just to be slapped with a totally different scenario the next day. Then our attempts to be prepared were simply a waste of time. We wouldn’t even know if we would be here the next day.

I have enjoyed living my life and I am proud of that. It may be unconventional and yet I know that it has given me valuable lessons, ones I would not trade for any other experience. I know i would make a decision i'l stand up to. Whatever that is, is for me to find out...

things happen for a reason...this thought helps me remain calm at this moment. otherwise i would have been banging my head to the wall.

i can't believe i woke up 20 minutes after the scheduled departure for DFA. i was preparing for this all night and just like that i made it slip. i just wanted to shout at myself...WHY DIDN'T I WAKE UP??? to top it off, when i checked my phone, i had a text message from my mom saying she hopes i will be at DFA today! i think i'll be in trouble.

i'm stressing myself i know. but in times like this i don't know how to control the feeling of frustration. i'm torn between...there's nothing else i can do at the moment but wait for the agency to open... and the thought that, maybe i should just rush to DFA and maybe i'll find them there. as for the latter, it'll be a total waste of resources though. plus i don't even have a working phone!

great spirit, i seek for the emotional waves to be calm and may there be peacefulness to know what to do. knowing the importance of this trip to my family and myself i pray so hard that i will NOT do anything to jeopardize it. may i take in the lesson from this situation with a spirit that is humble. great spirit, i eagerly ask for a chance to make this situation right. amen.

tonight i was able to have a long talk- over beer and pizza- with a very good friend that is actually also one of my bosses. i really appreciate that talk. we really have a similar outlook in life and we just babbled on forever. another person in my support group that i value.

his advice...STOP ASKING...

i guess he was right. i dwell too much on things and i analyze it until my head feels like a prune. i believe that i do know what i want. i'm just afraid to get out of my comfort zone. well i guess it time to take the plunge. take the risk.

i believe.

we've been back from Puerto Galera since Tuesday. yet my heart forever remains there. it seems like that was reality and being back in Manila is but a mirage. it was truly a wonderful time. our soul brother was able to make it with a friend and we were able to spend some time with them. all in all, each watch tower got a renewal of energy from the beach. now its time to sit down and make time to think about some decisions. most of us are in the crossroads of certain life changing decisions. it maybe in the different aspects of our lives yet each move is a vital one. different strokes for different folks, yet each heart connected. right now we are just looking out for each other. i've got the best people to back me up, so i know i can do this.

its thursday night...XAYMACA night! we just got back from watching our brother at his gig. we were also able to talk to him about his crossroad. for him its, "so many women, so little time." overwhelming? indeed. well i guess he will be the only one to know what he should do. as usual we are just here to support him. bro, you know were just here for you!

its off to go home for me and my soul sisters

to Puerto Galera it is...to the beach...to our haven...our soul brother will join us by sunday....this will surely be interesting and a wel deserved vacation...and we will try to post pictures!

XAYMACA

Three Red Horse beers after...I was sliding down the bark like structure of a bench by the door of new tambayan. I was enjoying it. It felt good to be light headed not minding what I had to worry about or analyze. We had a long day at work and it felt as if all my brain cells just went on low batt. It was a good night to share with friends. We had as few beers and wonderful resounding laughter. Its funny how we can actually have fun despite certain circumstances if the three of us stick together.

We also got more roses today. Now its up on our wall, waiting for them to dry.

After each night out, its off to Mr. Kabab. A Persian restaurant that serves the best chelo kebabs and the proximity that we will cherish. Here our soul brother joins us. It was a very light atmosphere that night. Rachel was drunk and just yapping for one straight hour. Wow! Talk about marathon. Then Rachel and Coy with the Special participation of Hanz, put their minds together to come up with a story about Radio Active *toot*. They actually sounded serious. Then by 4am, i automatically dropped on my bed and just slept...

Its nice to spend time and the giggles with close friends. i am genuinely blessed.

what is romance?

hey guys i just wanted to share what a thai woman answered when asked what romance is...

romance is so hard to describe. and it depends on the person.
it's not the material possesions, a room full of flowers, dinner
under the moonlight, or even a 5 carat lucida cut diamond ring.

romance to me is telling my new boyfriend
that i think i'm pregnant and it's not his...
and he still stands by me and rocks me
to sleep in the midst of tears.

when telling him that we don't have "our" song yet.
and he later takes me to the park and
ask me to dance. no music. just the silence
of the night. and he holds me tight and tells me that this is 'our' song.

when explaining to him why i love a
particular painting. and the whole
time he just stares at me in such a
way that it makes me feel as if he's
touching me. sumthing almost like.
his eyes touching me. and at the end he just says, you're amazing. i love you.

the little things that matter. of all the places
we've been to together. he always picked
up a stone. kept it and used a marker to write the
place and the date where he got the stone from.
and he presents me with a little pouch. full of
stones from all the places we've been to. to
outsiders they are just stones. to me. they are moments.

to me. that is romance.

by teazor

THE IRREVERSIBLE CRUSH OF LOVE


its funny how love sometimes work. i on one hand have had good experiences. yet i learn the other side of it from my friends. those that i have seen shattered and whose hearts are crushed by this so called love.

i have two friends who have felt this irreversible crush of love. friends that are close to my heart.

one was a woman with such a beautiful heart but so often hurt that she put up a very hard outer personality. then she met this guy. he was wonderful at first. so let her guard down and feel so deeply inlove. then they made a long distance relationship work. then they got engaged. she practically compromised some dreams to be able to live a life with guy. she was willing to give up her career to live in Alaska. a year before they were to march down the aisle the guy dropped her like a hot potato. by this time she had built all her future with him in mind. without him in her life she was paralyzed. it was too late pick up on her career. now she's bouncing back. she survived but it too painful days and nights of questions and crying.

there is this other friend. he is a muscian. writes and sings the poetry of his heart. he went into the band scene for his woman. built the band for her. sang as an extension of their love. after five years of building their relationship as a band and as lovers, she ended it. now he knows not where to go, if it is right to pursue the band. i watched him play last night and it gripped my heart to see him distant and affected by each song they sung, especially the ones they wrote "together." i saw his muscle twitch evrytime there was a line that would remind him of their past. five years together, all he knew was a future they could have shared. now that its gone its hard for him to look beyond today. he says he lives in the moment, dragging each day and what it brings.

these two friends both built their world around someone and when their respective significant others left them it was as if they hit a wall. for my woman friend she had very good family to support her through the ordeal. she's doing better. but for my guy friend, he continues to live daily. he cannot see what future there is wthout his girl. i do not know how his support system is and that makes me worried. although I know he has me and my souls sisters. i pray hard he gets through everything.

its hard to have seen dear friends hit a wall bad and cannot even get up because of the gravity of the collison. that they cannot see beyond the tears and the pain. if there was something I could do to ease the weeping of their spirits I would do it. yet I also also know that things happen for a reason, and that this is something they have to learn from. I love my friends dearly and it makes me sad when I see beautiful hearts being slashed. I am afraid that the shells they will will build around be too hard for them to experience a love greater than what they have experienced. all i can do now is give them my shoulder to cry on and open my arms to give them a hug.

MUSIC FROM THE SOUL


Now I know how it is to sing from the soul. Truly every note counts. And the melody that comes out even if it was meant to be fast ang happy, when the spirit is distressed or depressed it emanates.

To you my soul brother, the Great Spirit has a reason for bringing you to us. If it it for me to be a shoulder to lean on. I accept it with delight and eagerness.. If it is for me to learn from you then it is an honor. I know that you will surpass this dark night wherein the queries abound. Stand steadast young soldier. There is more to this life.

I keep that promise that you will always ahve a place in my life. Despite the circumstances I am drawn to your soul. Your cosmic waves reach me. I will look forward to the time you shall rise and reach your maximum potential. Thank you for sharing the spirit of what it is to be an eager angel. I will keep my promise. My heart goes out to you our soul brother. You will always be our soul brother. No matter what people may say we will be here for you. That is a promise I will keep.

There will always be something of our parents that exists in us. I am more of daddy’s little girl. Free-spirited. Easily excited. An explorer. Finds treasure in simple things. Awed by the splendor of nature. He finds happiness and a certain fulfillment in little things and simple displays of sincere friendships. I never really understood how he survived the strict structure of a military career. Now I do, its that challenge of achieving a dream you’ve held on to since childhood. I have that much of my father’s character in me.

Yet I am also like my mother. An attention seeker yet is driven to achieve. Never wanting to be alone, she puts pressure on herself to be the best. Friendship to her is quality over quantity. She is a fighter. A woman with the softest heart needing the hardest of shells.

They may not have been perfect. But raising three children is no joke. I wish I could have given them more appreciative words instead of witty rebellious statements. As I continue on my own journey, I will always have courage in me. In the same way my parent’s fought the years and gained wisdom. I too shall survive to tell my own children.

people have a way of hiding their truest emotions. like we put on a performance for people everyday. we have mastered the art of putting on make-up making ourselves presentable and going through our daily duties with skill. smiling and running around. but what we do not know is what happens to these people when they are in their own rooms. far from the audience's scrutinizing stares. it is then that the facade is removed, and we are stripped down to our barest soul.

there can be two reactions once the soul is exposed. that of belief and that of it being a lie. if we choose belief then we can actually connect and embrace the waves of emotions. or we can pretend its a lie, since that character has been tediously kept a secret. shoved into the closet each day before stepping out into - what we call- the real world. slowly that persona dies, and as we put it they become skeletons in our closet. memories, personalities or characters that once was a part of us, yet knowing people will and may react negatively we hide them. until the time we have to clean it out.

i have my own skeletons that i kept out of site. being emotional. the insecurity that i might never be sucessful. the fear that i end up being alone. of not meeting the standards my parents have set. of not making my father proud of me. of being a daughter instead of a son. i let these control me. either giving too much to cover up or giving too little so as not be expected much of.

now i open that closet door. like a pandora's box everything is released. to be able to face each one and set the record straight. it time to be able to move on. to realize that i have grown weary by the daily performance i put up with for 25 years. no more I say. this is me. i have survived things that other people may not understand. it has been a battle for my sanity. now it will be a fight to live the life given to me. to be able to truly say I have made the most of my life.

we will never know when it is time. what matters is the memories you leave behind. to bring a smile to a friends face when they look back at your life. to make the memory of each time spent immortal, kept safe in each heart's journal and scrapbook. each entry priceless...so now I live each moment to the fullest...my audience may say i am emotional yet that is no longer what i live for. indeed i am drama. i have heard my soul music and i will now dance to it with gusto...

twas as if my heart was gripped. i couldn't really understand if it was the years apart or the reality that she was right infront of me. after 13 long years, i was crying on the way to see her. a friend I have have know almost all my life. i was able to hug her again. to show her how much she is a part of my life despite the distance. the 3 hours i spent with her while waiting for the airport doors to open was not enough. there was too many stories to cover. too many developments and the fact that we were no longer children just waiting for our parents to tell us what to do next. we were now adults making our way in the world. living up to our own decisions and learning the lessons of our failures. she is married now. and the wedding I missed. i guess I really am too emotional. but hey I am passionate about life and everything it offers.

i shall look forward to sunday and monday where I can truly spend time with her. for it now i long to experience...

having walked one morning with a friend...and wished the day would never end...

_____________________________________________________________________________________
finally...now i have something to look forward to. indeed there is a Great Spirit who knows the desires of His childs heart. who knows when the little girl from within cries out for direction and guidance. just one phonecall and my whole life takes on a different path. i am much challenge by this offer...not to mention excited. i know i can do this. with much passion and the skill...or at least give it all i've got. i am praying hard...New York here i come.

the CD i have waited for so longed has arrived. to you Vienna Teng, you music is truly healing. in an unexplainable way I have been lullabyed by it. thank you.

After what has happened this week, especially the weekend, I am now a stronger believer in what we call destiny and how the whole universe seems to move in choreography to it.

Sometimes it takes other people to make you appreciate life more. Despite frustrations, aspects of it, the mere gratitude with the sincerity coming from the heart can make any sadness go away. We may feel we are in a rut yet the moments friends share to make the most of any day makes life much bearable. The spontaneous laughter and the shared tears. They fuse together to form an unforgettable moment. A fragment in time that you play over and over when you seek to feel warmth of friends close.

To my soul sisters and I, it was a magical week. Happiness. Love. Friendship. Farewells. Decisions. Loneliness. Longing. Spontaneity. Laughter. Tears. Coming together to make life more real. More alive. Outbursts of our free-spirited soul.

We may have bid adieu to a friend and yet we gained one in the same breath. We went through our usual routine but found ourselves with different people. The ironies of life. The subtle conspiracy at play. These are the moments that leave you astounded. Puzzled yet thankful. Independent yet believing in a higher being.

As a new week rises to the horizon we will always look back at the weekend with awe. For me it has given me inspiration and hope that it will turn out ok and that I am not in this alone. I will forever have my family, friends and the Great Spirit that has never failed to show me how He truly knows the desires of my heart.

To Jansi…be steadfast and listen to the whispering of your heart. If the inspiration is great, take the leap. Always believe.

To Rachel…may you find your North Star. Despite the darkened heavens, there will always be that one bright star to follow.

To Coy…our soul brother…welcome to the journey, we look forward to having you with us. Indeed when a door closes, there will always be a window that opens. Take the path to knowing who you are once again. Continue to inspire people with the constant humming of the poetry in your heart.

February 14 - 21, 2003
the DE LA CRUZ COUSINS

i have spent time with the de la cruz cousins and i was just amazed by the relationship they have with one another. the respect. the protection they offer. the way they try to shield each other. to stand up against a stranger that may inflict harm. i could not help but look back my relationship with my cousins.

i thought that filipinos were more family centered. but why is it that i only have kept in touch with like 3 cousins. to think that we all live in the philippines. why can these dlc cousins that have lived the "american way" and scattered all over the US still be so close?
_____________________________________________________________________________________


17 February 2003
SBC Libis

Once again alone with my thoughts. Another Seattles moment. My heart willingly surrenders to my mind. Indeed I am still confused.

I had a dream two days back that I was preparing for a training session, I just told my class that I was going to get some papers in my station. On my way back to the training room, I couldn’t find my way back. I couldn’t find the room. Does that validate my feeling of being lost?

I thought that I have made progress in my life. That finally I have found the career for me. My dream job. Then why is it that I am no longer happy? It seems that the passion will not suffice. I have this impression that instead of contributing to the wholeness of my being, it robs me of precious time to do the things that really matter. Is it my carefree spirit getting in the way of success or is it my definition and the pride of being a successful career girl that’s getting in the way of my happiness. Questions flourish, bombarding my thought, yearning an answer from my heart.

I sense the need to ask myself, when is it that I am genuinely happy?

I am happy when I am by the beach hearing the waves crashing into the shore. It is when I am infront of an audience, and hear their laughter or applause. Sharing a cup of coffee with friends and talking about how we make the most out of each day in our lives. I get an extraordinary uplift when I am busy with my hands, creating something out of nothings. The play of colors when I start blending color after color of my oil pastels on a sheet of paper. The excitement when I am with children, running and playing with an innocence I will would never want to loose. That’s when I feel like a child again, daddy’s little girl. An image of a girl on the swing embracing the gush of wind as she sways through the air.

Then why am not happy? Why do I feel like I am stuck in a rut?

I still do not know the answer. And I have been struggling to climb out of the ditch I am in. But what I do know is, things happen for a reason. Maybe these series of situations and the burn-out that I feel, are simply encouraging me to expand beyond my comfort zones. Knowing that without risks there will be no battles won. As I have gone through the different chapters in my life I have equipped myself with the character, strength, courage and the wisdom. It is now time to start a new one.

What is there to write?
My grief? My pain?
My struggle to find myself?

Been asking myself for sometime now
Never really thought it was still in me
Poetry.

Yet like memories it is never lost
Merely replaced by yet another one
Much stronger, much recent
Built and matured by time
It remains.

Lodged in a safe corner of my mind
In the protected part of your spirit
Brought back to the surface by situations
Triggered by an etched experience
Freedom.

To once again express my entire soul
No sugar coatings, no pretenses
Held in the palm of one’s hand,
Scribbled for keeps
That as generations pass I can look back
No need for rhymes
So pure.

Form the heart
Mere legend to some
To me, they are my dream given life by words
Caught on paper.


I’ve been trying to get myself to write poetry again. Too much thought processes that once again I feel I am drowning. I was imprisoned by my own self. Convinced myself that all was normal though it wasn’t. All this while I had perfected that fake insincere smile, using it credibly each day. Little did I know, I was merely convincing myself I was okay and that I was doing the right thing. What I didn’t know was I was gradually loosing myself, my heart, my soul and my spirit. Bit by bit. Little by little. I was replacing it with the world view of what was normal. Pathetically trying to give the impression of being happy and contented. I was far from that. I was hungry for answers to the questions that have been flooding my mind.

Now as I take out my compass, I have made a determination to follow where the needle was pointing to. Toward my true north. I need a shift of paradigms. A cleansing of the spirit. A renewing of the soul. A change of heart.

I realize that I am a survivalist. that I should begin to put value in my experiences, because those are memories that no man or time can take away. That though I am influenced by the people around me, I make my own decisions. Guided by destiny yet made exciting by my own choices. That no one can ever hurt me unless I give them the right to do so.

I am not bitter. I embrace life and look forward to days and years to come. To be able to finally take the path I choose. To follow my dreams. Dwelling not in the pain of disappointments but rather in the lessons they give. The strength I will gain.

And when a time comes that I might cry, it will not be because I feel like a failure. We weep because we still have our souls intact. We are still capable of feeling. Of loving. That in each tear shed there is a hope that we will make the next day much better. I am no longer a coward. Courage is my creed. Our creed. Our battlecry. A strength I share with women and even men. Those that have been shaping their own destiny. To those who realize that survival is a choice. Carpe Diem…

questions to self

What is there to write?
My grief? My pain?
My struggle to find myself?

Been asking myself for sometime now
Never really thought it was still in me
Poetry.

Yet like memories it is never lost
Merely replaced by yet another one
Much stronger, much recent
Built and matured by time
It remains.

Lodged in a safe corner of my mind
In the protected part of your spirit
Brought back to the surface by situations
Triggered by an etched experience
Freedom.

To once again express my entire soul
No sugar coatings, no pretenses
Held in the palm of one’s hand,
Scribbled for keeps
That as generations pass I can look back
No need for rhymes
So pure.

Form the heart
Mere legend to some
To me, they are my dream given life by words
Caught on paper.

hmm...where do I start...I feel really bad today!!!

I believe that in the end what matters most in this world are relationships you make with the people that you value and love. sometimes its a difficult decision though and not everyone will see it in a positive light. i made that decision and got a smiliar response today. i know I'm trying to justify the "unprofessional act" i just made. but for me it was better to spend that time with that friend in need, knowing that in when I'm in the same situation I can trust for someone to be there as well.

i love the people I call my friends. i put value in the word "friend" and "love," i don't use them lightly. i will lay down my life for them. now I don't know how people will take what has just happend but for me...I was true to myself.

i suddenly felt so tired today. its like I've been swimming such a vast ocean and not even a place hold on and rest. i want to be able to take time to sit and think about my day and how it was. living my life as if was a 24 by 7 shift, including holidays. its exhausting! for me, this is not the essence of living life.

there's more to life than titles and salary. if I had a choice I would opt for living a life of relationships. to have the people that matter close to you. having enough time for them and being able to have fun with them. it would be nice to travel around the world and just seeing all the beautiful places and knowing how distinct and interesting their culture is. call me an escapist when it comes to work. but I will never run away from an opportunity to be someone's friend. will never turn my back on them.

at the pace I'm going, rare is the time to be able to sit down and read a good book. taking time to paint the scene in my mind. creating the characters and directing the scenes. everything is too topsy turvy for me right now. too fast. i feel so overwhelmed. i can't even think straight anymore. i want to just sit down and think. for even just a minute....

i would have wanted to write about alot of things that have happend...but probably this will not be in detail...

went to Galera with Jansi and met the Swiss guys...they left for china but have been keeping in touch...been going regulary to Xymaca to watch Session Road...Coy promised us a cd of their songs and I'm so excited...work is so hectic...been reading alot of books lately...its White Oleander by Janet Fitch this time....just finished Wishes by Jude Devereaux...i miss writing in my journal...i miss [i]...i want to go to Thailand...i need to get a drivers license...Jee's coming soon, wahooo...Alystaire's leaving, sad...i wanna go to Galera again...

gotta breathe...lordah merceh...

Just got back from this bar named Mazzo, in Libis. It was a cool chill out place with great music, just the kind you wanna grove to. Thanks to this guy name Leo, I discovered another haven to relax the mind and calm down the body after a stressful day.

It has been a tough day for the trainers. We’re doing simultaneous training right now. Having two separate classes, before one could even finish another batch starts. I had to turn down some possible training opportunities outside of the company because of this. And what’s killing me is the fact that I won’t even be able to spend time with Ivan and Chris when they back from Galera.

Ahhh Galera….

Jeanette and myself recently went back to our “haven.” We got a really good tan too! I became much darker and Jean got a good glowing color all over. As though it was tradition, our Saturday night was spent at Miko’s bar and we met two Swiss guys, Ivan and Chris. Another opportunity to use our intercultural communication skills. It was a good night, even having a full moon and a romantic looking beach, plus two recent acquaintances. They talked about their adventures, having been traveling for 10 months to different countries. Oh I envied them. How I wish to be able to just go backpacking around the world. The next day we bumped into them again, went swimming and learned to skip stone. Though I am a failure at the latter, we had so much fun and it was another nostalgic moment to keep in my heart’s scrapbook.

I just love being on the beach...
I wished I lived by the beach...

BELIEVING IN SIGNS

I believe in fate.
I believe in destiny.
I believe in the signs.

Why is it that there is a inclination for us to only trust and embrace the signs- that supposedly fate sends us- if they are in harmony with what we would like to happen? There is a tendency to sweep under the rug those that seem negative. Those that don’t go well with what we’ve planned to happen. Isn’t that cheating fate and destiny? Where is the belief in this so-called unseen forces that we have faith in?

Once again questions abound.

Signs have been popping up. A window has been opened by two other call centers. Recommended by two different individuals who have confidence in my capabilities. Note that these were unsolicited. These came from a person I have co-facilitated with, not even a friend. And someone I have only spoken through a message board. Not even knowing my current state of mind in my career, they have surfaced. Are they not valid signs?

Circumstances are pushing me to analyze objectively.

It can either be that I should stick to this career, that’s one. Or that I should move on, otherwise missing out on opportunities. I have been in the business for almost two years now. I have started from the bottom and have worked my way to my dream of being a trainer. That is itself is an occurrence to be considered. I have learned a multitude in my two years. Knowing there is more to learn, I stand my ground. Despite the burn out and the de-motivation, I continue to hold on. I have confidence in the company I currently work for. It’s a long way to go and there are a lot more to accomplish, but I feel empty.

There is that part of me that says; my work here is almost over. I have carried out my mission with them. But there is also that little voice that whispers, there is more…be patient. I have always been adventurous and a risk taker. But there was always that safety net I can rely on. I feel paralyzed. I cannot decide.

All I know though is that I want to be able to make a difference. To be able to bring new knowledge and an impact on a people I work with. Right now I feel I cannot give any new idea to GCS. My self-esteem is letting out a warning sign. Maxed-out is word I use. Maybe a change of atmosphere is needed.

Should I take the risk? Am I going against fate?

Great Spirit, I pray for clarity of mind. For wisdom in facing decisions that I know will have immense impact in my career…in my life…

MY LOVE FOR LIFE

I ask myself why I am holding on to this job. Another thought process that has been brewing in my mind, surfacing every now and then.

My team has recently finished a teambuilding session. A lot was achieved in terms of rebuilding lost relationships and repairing the team spirit. And a part of me wanted so much to renew my commitment to the team. Yet a bigger part of me wanted so much to go for my dreams.

If I hold on to this job I may never be able to go down the path I’ve always wanted. Although this job gave me the opportunity to learn skills that I will need in my chosen career, yet I am in the wrong industry. Being in a call center will never give me the opportunity to hone my talents in theater or film. I know that staying will create an empty place in my soul. I love working with people, especially from different cultures GCS gives me the occasion to do so and yet I feel restricted. I want to be in the forefront, not hide behind the phone. I want something that is kinetic, that I am able to move about and not just sitting in front of the computer most of the time

I’ve always yearned for a job concerning training. I want to be able to help develop people. Make an impact in their lives by imparting what I know and equipping them with knowledge and the learnings that they need in order to be effective. I want to be able to make them realize that they are worth something in this world. I would like them to be capable of expressing themselves through art, movement, music and speech. I want them to believe that they can make a difference and an impact in others as well. I want to empower people. People that will love life and grasp the infinite possibilities to celebrate it each day.

I exist in this world saying Carpe Diem. I would like to challenge people to have that same passion towards life.

We don't not know how long we can live but we sure can make it worthwhile.

QUOTES THROUGHOUT THE PAST YEAR

It funny how people think of the weirdest things to say. And since I have-technically- weird friends here is what they have been caught saying...


Help! Thought processess are overwhelming me!
A. Vencer

No boys! No voice! and No choice!
Galera Faeries

I embody purity and innocence!
Archie

If it looks good, pop it in your mouth!
Patrick (Ronan Keating)

I know your hurting...(with left hand over the person's chest..)
Jansi

a toast to true love!!!
by most of the people at our party, except Archie

Men are like switches...they go on and off.
A. Vencer

...in time
John Lo

Pag gusto maraming paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan...
Celtic Princess

Some will, some won't, so what, shouldn't worry...NEXT!!!!
sales quote of the year

Puede mag sorry!
Galera Faeries

Say what now? Uhuh! You bet!
Coffee Club

Wrong number talaga mare eh...
Ench

ANOTHER YEAR TO LOOK BACK AT

Another year has passed. As I have always told my 2 best friends, the year seemed to go by so fast and yet so many things have transpired. I ask myself now, how has 2002 been? Add the question that I have been asking myself for almost a month now, Where to now? What is in store for me in 2003? A lot has happened.

WORKAHOLIC ME
When 2002 started I was a professional bum. I was simply sleeping away the days. Until I got a call from a call center called Etele. It was a long process that started in January then eventually by the February they hired me. I didn’t know what was in store for me. Being a CSA (Customer Service Associate) wasn’t really in my career path. I wanted to be in film having worked for a few independent directors in 2001 and then eventually for Star Cinema. But after staying home for almost 2 months I just wanted to be working. Where ever I didn’t care. Being in one place all day was making me go insane. So I took the job. Little did I know Customer Service would open doors for me. After 5 months with Etele, I’ve had enough. The client wasn’t doing its share and we found ourselves taking in more and more irate and unreasonable calls. So I resigned. Since my best friend was working for a competitor I decided to try it out. She said they were doing “outbound calls” instead of “inbound.” Learning new things always appealed to me so I decided to try it out. I took the test with GCS, passed it, was scheduled an interview for the next day and I was in the next Monday for training, that simple. Since taking BA Organizational Communication and working for TIME, Inc (Training Institute for Managerial Excellence), I was fascinated with the Training and Organizational Development field. So when they asked me my career plans I told them I wanted to be a trainer. So I was a CSS (Customer Service Associate) for about 4 months. I was transferred to outbound sales for another two months. A little after my “regularization date,” I was promoted to Training Specialist by March. Finally, I have reached one of my goals. I can absolutely say I have an accomplishment in this company. An accomplishment in my life! Being a training specialist wasn’t an easy task. After 2 moths of working really hard, I started feeling tired. But then a new boss came and it was a whole new ball game. I had to prove myself. So after 5 months on the job I was “burnt out!” I was physically tired, emotionally exhausted and intellectually drained. I realized that I never really had an opportunity in which there is a process of rejuvenating my ideas or looking for more. So I felt maxed out. And now I sense the need to find that job that balances my need for analytical thinking and systems and at the same time satisfy my thirst for creative endeavors. What that is I have yet to discover in the coming days or maybe months…

MY SO-CALLED LIFE
Disagreements with my family especially with my mother and father, wasn’t really new to me and my brothers. We have the perfected the art of living in one roof and yet not knowing what was happening to each one. Not that I wanted it that way. Being a harmony seeker I would have wanted things smoothly. Tried all means and still it ended up in heated discussions. If you were another parent and you listen our debate I will not be surprised that you would want to slap me after. I was good. I could put the fault back to the way they raised us. I felt that I hurt them every time I did that and that hurt me more. It was my insecurity that was bringing about my “rebelliousness.” I never wanted to hurt my parents or family. All I wanted was for them to be proud of me. The tendency at home was to just shut myself out. So I decided to move out. It hurt them i know, but at least there was no more shouting and swearing. NO more emotionally damaging words said. We went our own paths with good intention. And now I can say I appreciate them more.

Things were happening to my friends as well. So when Jansi, invited us to move in with her, I readily agreed. I didn’t know what was in store for us but I knew I just had to do it. We moved in to a condominium unit by October. With Rachel (my best friend since high school), Janis and her son. So far it has been a blast. In one way or another we have learned to understand each other’s little quirks. We have our own separate lives and yet we managed to have time to check on how each one is doing through out “incense talks.” We’re spending our first Christmas in our new home so we are all excited.

This was also a year of new people in my life. Some stayed the others moved along to finish their own journeys. At the start of the year I thought I finally found someone. I call him Philip. He was there with me in spirit during the somewhat isolated Christmas vacation. He had a gentle heart. Guess he was just obligated to do so as a friend. After a dialogue with my heart and mind, I finally made the right choice and release him. Somehow my dependency on him, and him being the trained gentleman that he is was placed under my spell. I want him to be happy. I wanted to move on myself and accept that he it a good friend. Then there was Quasi and Richard. Now those two really took us through an emotional roller coaster ride. But it didn’t match the outcome of “the Sorcerer”, damn did he bring out the worst in my temper. Not to mention threatening the friendship and my career. Guess he taught me patience and tolerance. Not to mention reminding us how many “wolves” are hiding under “sheep’s clothing.” Thank God that’s over. Then there’s “the Prince.” He’s another reminder from the Great spirit, that my standards are achievable. He is man who loves music, loves art, respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart. Oh how beautiful his heart truly is. We just have a wonderful time hanging out. Just spending time together, with tea or coffee, our stories and luckies, I consider those moments “priceless.” We can make each other laugh, cry and just marvel at life and how lucky we are. It has been a long time since a man made me feel so vulnerable yet secured with myself. As I said he is but just a reminder. He continues to be in my life as a friend. He confuses me emotionally every now and then, yet I know where I stand. I still know my place. I tell myself to be contented with the friendship I share with him.

There were my Soul Sisters and our Puerto Galera trips. Jansi sends an impromptu invitation and by the weekend were off. The island was our haven. It has an effect of refreshing our worn-out spirits and rejuvenates our tired bodies and restores the soul.

I thought there were enough people but then our recent trip to Puerto Galera opened more doors. On this trip I met Jerome, a handsome French steward from Air France, who was just a sweetheart. We also met quite some characters in Dennis and his buddy Aries, very influential person in the island. There was also two friends, Cam and Jason. Jason is from England and works all over the world, not to mention a flare for history-which can get him talking for hours. Cam is from New Zealand and has a Russell shirt, who I can say is such a gentleman. Free spirits like the Galera Faeries, I look forward to spending more time with them. And how could I forget Patrick (though I never really got to confirm his real name). We called him Ronan Keating, since he looked like the said singer. He was someone we just saw walking on the beach, then found him drinking at the bar. Then after a day we found out he was our neighbor, not bad actually. In a weird way he gave me a bit of a refill for my self-esteem tank. Though we may never cross paths again thank you for that very unusual and yet flattering compliment.

The Great Spirit has been gracious. He has given me pain that I may learn humility and dependence on his guidance. He had also given me a generous amount of “miracles” that I may see how much I am loved and blessed. Thinking back I have so much to thank for. I still live a day at a time. It maybe time to start taking a step towards certain dreams. So I continue to ask for direction and wisdom. It has been another good year. There have been a lot of pieces revealed for me to put into my life’s puzzle. Yet I look forward to those He will bring to light in 2003.
Happy New Year to everyone.