The LOWdown on Life

Indeed the universe does conspire to those who dream…initially at least.

Her life has taken, for lack of a better cliché, a dramatic turn back to what she felt was square one. Maybe it was the just the year, they said that the Year of the Rooster was not very lucky for Gemini’s. She was almost beginning to believe in the accurateness of astrology. If only they had answers to the multitude of questions that seem to crash into her in tsunami-like fashion.

"Why is all of this happening to me?" This is probably the I’m-getting-desperate-for-answers kind of question anyone can ask. But can one really find an answer to that question?

Last year, 2004, seemed to be her year. She had a job that took her places, met some very interesting characters to add to her list of people she called “the crayons of life’s coloring book.” Plus the trip to Malaysia, Singapore and Vietnam that she considered a grand finale for the year. All of this makes you say, ahhh….this IS the life. But then January came and everything just started to, well…suck!

From a near death encounter with fire (not her element at all), to moving out because of a brother that just pushed her to her limits, to parent’s that gave up trying to understand the lifestyle their daughter has been struggling to embrace. She now lives in a humble room, with really noisy termites and a couple next door that seem to perceive her as another girl trying to live a wild existence. Juggling a part-time call center job with a company that has lost it act and her “event projects” that do generate income-except add to the stress- but are however too interesting to give up for a full time office job, isn’t really much help to the situation. There’s also her almost non-existent savings account in the bank and the threat of no financial resources for April looming in the oh-too-near-future. Let us not forget to mention the debts she has to pay, that when put together can force one to tie a knot around their neck…now to just find a beam that can carry her weight. She has not had a decent sleep for a month now and the nausea she has developed for Jollibee food since that’s all she can afford to eat. One can’t help but be a little (NOT!) sarcastic and say…now, this IS life!

This woman now lives on a daily basis. Talk of the future is starting to sound ridiculous. She keeps the call center task to be able to make her rent money, eat yet-another-Jollibee-meal, provide her with access to the Internet and serve as a diversion for pathetic thoughts. Too survive at the very least. Because despite it all, there is still apart of her that continues to believe…that the universe is conspiring to her dream…they are just testing on how much she is willing to go out of comfort zones to reach them. Maybe that small seed can be enough to make miracles happen…

How Is Your Story Written?

If you were a writer, would there be unexpected twists in your tales? Would your story be in defiance to what the movies and literature feed us? How is your story written?

The chapter on love.

While some people write of the one that got away, or of the you-and-me-against-the world legend. Could it be that to some it will be just a one-way street? That they are destined to accomplish a certain task by being with a person and then they have to move on to another one?

Take my life for instance.

Friends say that I have mastered the art of falling and gracefully letting go of the men in my life. I guess they can say that because they are only spectators. Were they there when my eyes were swollen due to the over-nighter crying marathon? Or the time I was teetering on that thin line called madness because I was trying to find a plausible reason of the pain that I was feeling? I guess not.

If I sum up all those experiences, the raison d'être of my needing to let go was either because the feeling wasn’t mutual or because “my man” had to leave me for a valid reason. And all I was left to do was acknowledge that truth or accept the fact that life will pass me by if I continue to wait for the answers to the dead end question of WHY. So I am left with no option but to move on, thus the start of what seems as grace in letting go, was all just the strength in wanting to survive or the fact that it would it be pathetic to hold on. Then it all goes back to the beginning of a cycle that never really ends.

That is my story. How is yours?

Enough!

Tama na ang kahibangang ito. Wala naman talagang patutunguhan eh, di ko alam kung bakit umaasa paren ako. Ayoko na, pagod na ako. Minsan pakiramdam ay sadyang inaalala ang mga magandang alaala upang di ka malimot. Pero ngayon ayoko na. Imumulat ko na ang aking mga mata.

Weird! I'm blogging in Filipino!

And so I put a period to this so-called-love-team. Enough of you being a nice guy. I wish you'd just let me know how you really feel. No more hiding. Please don't sms me all because I did. Stop confusing me, cause that I can manage by myself!

So now I am talking to myself again and convincing me that I have to do it. I've done this before but why does it seem to be more difficult now! Why do I have to be such a hopeless and hapless romantic? It's pathetic!!!

Her Christmas Gift

anticipation is what fills her as she counts down the days till she finds herself in another country for 10 sunrises! a place where a someone is at least willing to give her the most wonderful Christmas gift ever...time and presence. though to some she seems to be opening herself to hurt and heartbreak, she shoves the thought and knows to simply enjoy the moment.

to herself she utters a sigh of contentment with the opportunity given her, for she knows that it is the best her new friend can devote. once again she will feel that she is a woman...capable of love and being showed loved. though it may seem temporary, for the chance she is thankful.

to you, the man with a gentle soul and enthusiasm of a child, she offers a prayer. may your heart forever be one that dances!

"GF"

was it that I had preparing myself for the news all this time. seeing the letters "gf" on that sms gripped my heart and yet i felt like I was anticipating that moment. an overwhelming sadness filled me and i just wanted to relieve myself of the pain with tears. for the 30minutes the warm drops fell and then there was none. 'twas as if that was all it took and then acceptance came over me. even now as I write this I feel that it was not a loss. and though his emotions are for another woman I know I have your companionship...forever.

the promise of a friendship, despite my wanting it to go down a different road makes the goodnight sincere. so i guess you were another messenger sent by the Great Spirit. and now I am back to status quo, to waiting and praying...

Feeling Small

a surge of feeling small came upon me today. the fact that one was chosen over me, seem to really affect me. why is it that I feel I am trying to compete for attention? when I very well know that I should be secured with who I am and what I can be. I'm not very proud at me when I start feeling this way. argh...

a wise saying I should prolly digest at this point is...
"It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak."
--From Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho

Heart's Desire

Oh, Great Spirit grant that which is in my heart
Clear my thoughts and calm my heart
For the past has given it some pounding
Reconcile my emotions and intellect
But nevertheless perservere for a cause
For risks in life are constant
and this i believe deserves one

You Will Be Missed

i've tried to put off me writing about this. I thought I can just let it go...but somehow it just wont go away. today while sorting out my yahoo photo album, i chanced upon his picture again. so here goes.

i couldn't really call you my close friend. but can say that you have been a part of my existence. from the handmade soaps, sanctum nights and those parties that seem to just leave us exhausted from dancing and boozed up. and who wouldn't forget Studio 54 at Greenbelt...we went from complaints to praises...who ever thought that would be my last memory of you.

weren't we all just having a great time with the music and the free beers that night. that was the weekend before I left for Siargao. i even invited you for some paintball when I get back. and that conversation we had about passing me on your cellphone since it was "the phone" i really wanted. and it would also be "the phone" that would make all other plans hanging...forever. is the world really this cruel?

the passing away of a person can lead us to realize alot of things we take for granted in our own lives. sad that you you left at such a young age...I would like to thank you for inspiring me to live life to the fullest and to constantly celebrate life day by day. I will miss you Joselu!!

Child-Like Enthusiasm

Odd how the picture of the guy I like becomes my computer’s wallpaper. Could it be my way to hang on to the memories? To be reminded of him constantly? I guess so. What happens then when I take it down?

Tonight I take his picture down. Since I don’t have orca pictures, I have replaced it with dolphins to remind me of the element I am comfortable in…the water. As I swap it I tell myself, it’s time to surrender to destiny once again. I confess to the fact that there was an attraction with this wonderful man. It is not everyday that I get to meet anyone like him. Someone who sincerely made me feel taken cared of. Brings me to the thought that maybe I am searching for that certain kind of kindness.

They call it a mother’s instinct, but I have always been looking out for people. I find fulfillment in it, but somehow I get to a point that I long for its reciprocation. A powerful realization and confession on my part, yet it is the truth. Once a man shows me that sort of attention, I melt and it never fails. Call it a soft spot. But the usual challenge is to be able to distinguish the genuineness of that show of sensitivity. Sadly, to some men it is nothing but a mere performance. But after meeting him and his friend I found the refreshing burst that sincerity is still possible.

With the new company up, I need to focus on our vision. And with the inspiration of you I give it a go. I now sort out that my job is reality and you are the inspiration. And when fate brings us together, then only will I really know if my feelings for you are what it seems to be. For now I content myself with the memory of a man that shared the child-like spirit. Someone who genuinely knows how to take care of a woman. You are a scarcity in this earth, and I am fortunate to have met you. Indeed what matters in this life is the company and friendships we have and then we can turn any situation into a party.

I'm Officially Missing You

your face is the first on my mind when I wake up...
and the last to leave my subconcious as I succumb to slumber...
i know not why you have this effect on me.
every waking moment the image of your sweet smile fills my thoughts
and if I had the power i would wish for you to be here
to fill my day with laughter and inspiration


yes I am a bit hooked. a weird effect by a man I had known for a very short time. yet in that brief period I felt something, beyond attraction for him. i cannot describe it. he is part rogue and part little boy. with an attitude that just seems to draw me even closer to him. when he is in his sport jersey he a boy at play. in jeans and a shirt, he's my rogue, a man that imspires me to be better. i want to understand why fate has to keep us apart. and draining as it is, i know there is a good reason. and even if the questions abound as to reciprocity, i know that I am willing to take it a step at a time.

HANGOVERed

what would you call the feeling that you long for someone the whole day? and the song "officially missing you" takes a whole new meaning.

yes, i have been stung by the so-called "bug" once again. and somehow this time it really made it's way deep, too deep that all efforts to shake it off has just resulted to exhaustion, physically and emotionally. now i'm dazed and confused. and honestly I am at a lost on how to effectively handle this. all i can say is..he got me at hello (dang! there's goes my drama once again)!

i guess i would just have to ride this through. and who knows Siargao may bring some surprises. Otherwise...I'm packing for Malaysia soon!

The only way to live life is to wake up each morning ready to face an infinite possibilities of what the day might bring. One can never be prepared enough; it's simply accepting and believing that we were given this soul for a purpose. And everyday is a step of a journey to finally knowing what it is.

There will never be an instruction manual on how to live one's life. We just have to go through it and feel what it has to offer. We get hurt; we learn and simply continue on. Its making the most out of every experience that goes our way. Disappointments, frustrations and bad decisions are part of the adventure yet it shouldn't be a reason to give up.

Maybe I write this to convince to myself. Because after a while though you believe in the journey, your character becomes exhausted with the daily ordeals you have to face. So I need to remind myself that it's all part of it. At times I feel the urge to raise my hands in defeat, and yet my spirit doesn't allow it, and so through daily musings I encourage myself to pause and then continue on the voyage

Slow down you crazy child
You your so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if ur so smart
Then tell me why are u still afraid
Where's the fire what's the hurry about
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and so may hours in a day
-from the movie "13 Going 30 "


Disappointment and frustration arise when one fails to accept the situation that they are in. They fight the current and end up exhausted from all the aimless fluttering and kicking. What one forgets is that life will always be about changes and transforming oneself with it. It might be easier said than done, but realizing is always a start.
Now I know how it is to be on a verge of depression.

I feel as if I am drowning in uncertainties. So much of it abounds in my life, that all I aspire for is to surface from them…alive.

Once again my vision is clouded, that even the path that lay ahead of me is obscured. I live a day at a time, reactive…instead of proactive. I feel I am paralyzed. This is when frustration and disappointments can triumph over one's spirit, and I refuse to succumb to these two. I believe there is more to me and I have to get my act together.

circle of women

a circle of women that awed the political playing field....definitely beauty and brains...

Posted by Hello

with the bosses

SETTLE? NOT!

Tonight, I trod the path to what seems like freedom from the bondage of settling for mere companionship. The operative word-- MERE.

All my life I have jumped from man to man convincing myself that he is worth the emotions-- and consecutively the pain. But what I tried to dismiss was the fact that for most of them, what I thought was acceptance of the entire persona was just a way for me to prolong my agony until the next, and hopefully better one comes along. In some of those men I did find genuine attraction, but it wasn’t the right man or it wasn’t the appropriate time. And for a stubborn person like me, thirsty to experience what life has to bring I embraced each one with eagerness, eventually teaching my heart to create an illusion in most of these affairs. A daydream, of what to me is a guy who I can and would want a commitment with, and yet the only thing they can reciprocate with, was at the most--friendship.

I knew from the time I meet these people that I was going to fall for each one. Not because there was something mystical about the person, nor was it sheer destiny, but because I have mastered the art of observing the traits of each man and have taught myself to appreciate that which is delightful and learn to accept the eccentricities. What I failed to see was that, I was getting into these “friendships” for the wrong reasons. For very selfish reasons. That in my bouts with loneliness there can be one that I can turn to for companionship. I not only got myself into a friendship of pretensions, but in turn, i deceived myself.

So tonight I realize that the path to freedom can be awkward. But as each pain cuts through my flesh I find my mind opening to what can be a relationship with these men that is more genuine and if not, rewarding. I cut each bind I have created and start anew. There are things to learn and most definitely unlearn. But in the end, this life is not about just finding yourself, but rather in creating and re-creating oneself.

victory party

You are the fox.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

My muse.
Gratitude to you.
For you have revealed that which I truly seek.
To look into one’s heart, and find the kindness of the soul

With this I grasp the Great Spirit’s message
To tell my heart to be steadfast and believe
That he will come and I will recognize
The same gentleness you have showed me

May healing come to you
Be contented and at peace
Value that which has been given to you
Go, and devote thyself to them
And unconditionally love.

so did ya miss me??

i haven't written in my blog for the longest time. it used to be a daily cleansing routine. that was when I had access to the internet everyday and my own computer at work. it's not that i stopped writing, i still do. but I do it in our home computer and sometimes I don't get to upload them here because of my busy schedule.

but i guess this (blogging) will be a habit i will never be able to shake off. i'll start posting again.

Here I am again, feeling the stir. A restless heart that seem to be in search for meaning, to ask my questions and seek for the answers. I wish to go beyond the self, and share me to others as I usually have. To live wisely, love generously and praise loudly. And so I praise two people that despite all odds and pride, I know love me with all their heart.

It is not everyday that we realize how much our mother and father has contributed to our lives. Most of us in this generation go through that phase that we question the love our parents have for us. We judge them of being narrow-minded and authoritarian. What we fail to see is that, though it may be a cliché, all they want is what is best for us.

As I usually say, I wish life came with an instruction manual. We can read the how to’s when we are faced with a difficult situation. But then wouldn’t that take away the spontaneity of life and thus make us too boring?

Raising up a child is not easy. I have seen my parents do it to me and two brothers. I’ve seen the challenges and the sacrifices my friends had to make to rear up my two god-children, whom I consider as my own. With this I imagine, how difficult it could have been for my mama and papa to make me who I am today. They didn’t get instruction manuals either. I confess I didn’t make it easy for them. I was stubborn, I went by what I wanted and I rebelled. I broke their heart most of the time. And every time I did that I was also hurting myself for hurting the two people that love me the most.

I have been blessed. Because regardless of the ache I caused them, they were always willing to forgive and to surround me with support each time I fell down. I have been given parents that challenged me to experience life from different perspectives. They taught me that the needs will be provided for but that I must work for my wants. Through example they left me with the legacy of love, compassion and offering yourself for other people. Now I appreciate that the constant caravan to the next assignment location, which I despised as a young girl, educated me to be flexible and to understand the world in which we live in. A world that can be harsh, but nevertheless full of people that seek meaning in their lives. People that deserve our respect and understanding.

I have a father, who showed me what it was to be loyal and dedicated to any endeavor that you believe in. He gave me the gift of conversation and travel that no one can ever take away. He believed in what I can achieve, and felt sad when I give up. He was my trainer on what it is to be independent and being responsible for your actions. There was also my mother who taught me what it is to be a strong woman. She opened my heart & soul to the importance of music and art in one’s life. That crying didn’t mean weakness but instead being true to one’s emotions. She showed me that sacrifices have to be made at a point in our existence, and you can be happy after that.

This experience made me who I am today, a survivalist, someone who can exist in almost any situation. One that knows that in being open minded, there is also that responsibility to set limits. That ones freedom ends when we are going beyond the freedom of another individual. And though it took me a while to understand all of it, the credit is due them. I love you both.

i am in a whirl of thought processes today. blame it on pre-natal day life analysis, normal at some point. for it is in asking that you find answers and learn to make yourself more mature.

another year has passed and the best way to describe it is one great ADVENTURE! I wasn't expecting that by making a risky decision to leave the call center industry, it would actually enable me to catch more dreams into my web. dreams that give you the inspiration to finally take a wave. many times I have wanted to paddle hard and ride a wave, but I have hesitated and took the "safe ones." not anymore. i took the wave i feared the most and it has given me the ride of my life.

doors have opened and are opening that sometimes I am left overwhelmed. what i had thought as mere possibilities have become reality. all it took was for me to say enough is enough it's time to follow my heart...

now i see a vision for myself. the clouds have parted and what seemed a gloomy life is now being filled with the rays of an optimistic sun. i look forward to more beads on my dreamcatcher. dreams caught and filtered down to the eagle feathers and into my life. this is my analysis...this is what my life has been the last year.

ANOTHER MESSENGER

yet another one sent by the Great Spirit. funny how they get better everytime. but they are also sent with the tag that says "not the one, but a proof that THE ONE exists."

my gratitude and the prayer that you continue to live your life with the extraordinary way of seeing things!

GOING PLACES

puerto galera has always been the place to go when I need to recharge my tired spirit, but this weekend was simply different. I WENT TO MINDANAO! It was a roadtrip from Cagayan de Oro, Iligan City and Bukidnon. What makes it even more exciting was being stuck with 3 adventurous people.

i have always abided by the fact that work should always be fun. and that's was how our Team CARAGAX (don't forget the x for X-factor!) works! true to their word...stick with them and you'll definitely go places. postering, looking out for comelec people, leafletting and field advertising has never been more fun. It was a roadtrip that took me away from the cruel world. from going to the maximum underdrive challenge and going all the way to valencia, bukidnon and who would forget the waterfall part. simply amazing!

i owe it to you bage dearie and mius huney. of course we didn't have to go that far if it wasn't for jo! Jesus H. Christ!!!

the french man

i found him! of course thank you google!!! he made me feel like a true princess, and nothing can beat that. despite the relationship being really short it was something I will never forget! and he's involved in independent films now, I'm proud of that! i miss him... i hope he emails back...

________________________________

love is game?

i don't understand this game anymore. it's tiring and I don't even know how I got in it in the first place.

i know I know where I stand with this man, we are friends...buddies. but I don't see why it still has to be difficult. could it be that I make it hard for me? i tell myself I am not expecting anything but when he doesn't show up I feel disappointed. it makes me ask if he's hiding something or if he just doesn't want to see me. argh! until when will I remain patient? i really don't know the answer to that. but as of this moment i still have a little voice inside me that says "keep on..." but once that goes away, I know its time to move on. my goodness! talk about having an effect on me.

i let this happen and I will see it through...

you've got a journey to make
there's your horizon to chase
so go far beyond where we stand
no matter the distance
I'm holding your hand...
sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
---Vienna Teng


the fog has cleared up...
now I know where I stand. I am happy. i feel much much lighter. and i can focus on the job at hand. it was hard to concentrate when you feel that someone is feeling bad because of you.

we are friends. pals as we now call one another. not that I am closing my door. but i'm taking it slow. there is attraction and i will not deny that, however it better to build with a strong foundation than one that is bound to fail. i still think too much. i sometimes analyze what the days has in store. but I will not know, so I will take it a day at a time.

cest la vie!

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We’ve come so far in this desert…
Shine with all the untold,
Hold the light given to you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose.
-Vienna Teng


She wanted time alone for herself this weekend. To deal with the emotions that she had been feeling for weeks now. She has been taking one blow after the other, and had too many puzzle pieces that didn’t seem to fit. The clutter was keeping her from setting her gaze straight, too many reflections on the side mirror and it was hard to drive. And somehow she feels that the setbacks have jeopardized her work. More and she knew her name would suffer and that was out of the question. Her reputation was the only investment in life that she had.

Every now and then we need to take time to sit down put the pieces together and see what the picture it creates. Too many stray pieces can be frustrating, since it goes to show that there is no goal and it’s a strike as it comes kind of life that your leading rather than that of purpose.

I guess that was what she was looking for…her purpose. Believing that change is constant in life has helped her cope. Back in college she thought she had everything figured out and after leaving university all she had to do was to materialize the dreams. But then life showed her numerous turns. She took some of them and it changed her. She has come to terms of her being a free spirit. It is not easy being one. But having this knowledge she has began the growth of becoming the best of who she can be.

And so she has been confronting herself…what now? She has wanted a sense of stability, in career and in her life. But there’s more of life, she thought. Despite everything she has experienced, there is a vast ocean awaiting still. She still needs to set sail to many seas, to more ports, to brave more storms. Only then can she find that one safe harbor, that place she will call home.

And so as a fresh week arrives she will look to life with more enthusiasm. Renewed and ready to face what squalls that will come her way. For in the end it will be a beautiful sunset that awaits this woman who wears her out on her sleeve.

_________________ ... ___________________ ... ____________________

Everything changes…
Everything falls apart…
I can’t stand to feel myself loosing control,
In the deep of my weakness I know.
-Sarah MacLachan


If its vulnerability then at this point in time I am at the summit of it.

Past loves have settled down and some have finally accepted who they are and I feel like I have been left at the base camp. So I keep myself preoccupied with career and friendships that I have gotten used to these kinds of relationships. Everyday different individuals come and go at this station. Some of them manage to leave me with the hope that the person I am looking for does exist. And with this I keep my tent.

At this moment, I bundle up my sleeping bag and pack my tent. For I shall take the risk to climb up this mountain. I am anxious and terrified as to what is in store for me. I find all my insecurities resurfacing. That of the physical as well as the emotional. And this is where vulnerability begins to creep in. For when you begin to open up your heart with someone, you feel as if you want everything to be right. And the limits that you have set seeing other people go through this phase are but beginning to fade. You give up one after the other. Until that protective wall falls to the ground, and you find yourself stripped to the barest of emotions.

At this state, I know I am exposed to pain. For a woman who naturally wears her heart out on her sleeve, being stripped to the barest makes me even more susceptible, gullible not to mention exposed to hurt. It is now that I try to remind myself that everything will fall into place. Living life to fullest includes in its package the confusion, disappointments, celebration, constant lost-in space moments and yes pain. But as I stand up each time to regain my balance I know that I am stronger and more mature yet. In this life were risks and changes are the constant I know that experiencing the extremes is can be beneficial if not essential.

I confess that I am scared of where I find myself now. But these are the situations that have been pitched at me. The ball is in my court as to how to play this game. Because as I look back at the road I traveled I have gone a long way to be a coward and turn back. I remind myself of the battle cry I share with my sisters—Courage is our creed! I accept each day as new day to learn, to stumble and to make the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. It is then that I know that I have made most out of the life force that the Great Spirit has given me. And in each chance I get I make sure to rejoice in the stories of the people that will always be part of my life.




March 20, 2004
The day I disappeared in the metro

i will disappear this weekend...
i wanted to go to my sanctuary,
to once again be lullabyed by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore
but time will not permit
and i maybe summoned to the headquarters
and be called in to do responsibilities
those that go beyond what i should be doing...

so my alternative is that I will stay within the urban jungle,
yet far from the stress that continues to pour in each day...
such an overwhelming amount, that I am drowned
i shall work but i will do so with the music that stimulates creativity.
all by myself!!!

i can be a pit paranoid at times. but today I believe I was I little bit over the edge. I'm not used to these mind games anymore. Can't it be just easier and more honest?

I'm really beginning to like him (I know some friends who would donk me in the head for this statement). I wanna be careful but I don't want to also loose the opportunity. In this confused state, I know that Alystaire has a point in saying chill. But my heart tells otherwise and my intellect seems to be in unison with it. I don't want to feel pain anymore. But then again, maybe it would be more painful if I don't even allow myself to explore the possibilty. I've always been the woman who wears her heart out on a sleeve. And in a way it gets me trouble, but looking back it has made my life worth it. I guess my friends are sometimes wondering why it is that sometimes even with their constant warning I still manage to sneak past them and most of the time...find myself a pain source.

Right now I find myself just wanting more and more of the attention he gives. As one friend said, there is less of the "being with him" and more of the "talking with him." But I enjoy the talking with him, because I get so much from his stories. I really don't know what will happen I am in limbo till we see each other again, but then I just want to be as honest as I can. If this relationship works and he is as sincere as he says he is then I will be so thankful.

till my next blog....

i have always said that the constant thing about life are RISKS...
and i know that I am willing to dive in or tackle it on, but sometimes when it stares you in the face your left frozen stiff.

so here i am in limbo...i just accepted the fact that i get attracted to the wrong "men" and now I am tredding the waters of much mature man. i know that i shouldn't even be bothering about this right now but then I just want to be able to unleash the emotions that is boiling inside of me.

i know its mere longing. but i am affected by the lack of "it" in my life. i always comfort myself by saying i should be patient. but haven't I been? i have had enough of learning from the men that come and go. i want one that i can keep for a much longer time. you can't help but sometimes ask, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I feel the strain. The thread is being stretched. A lil bit more and I know it will snap. As my default low-esteem self is, I blame no less than…ME! This campaign is really getting on my nerves. The people, the instability, the hourly changes in the schedule. Is this really a constant in my life? Or did I choose it? Or could it be because I let them do it to me. I am affected by the tiniest of things because I let it affect me. But shouldn’t I be?

Part of me doesn’t even care. But most part of me wants to get to the bottom of things. Am I doing it all wrong? I need to take a step back and explore the probabilities of this stress point. Why do I feel this way? Is it mere burn out. If it is then why do I get so burnt out easily? There must be something wrong with me work style. Frustration sets in now. I need to get out more often. Maybe I need solitude more often. Maybe I should just go back to being an EA.

i close my eyes...
and i can see the melody of the shore's colors,
made more vivid and clear by the sun's rays
i can taste the saltiness of the wind's breeze,
a reminder of healing and relaxation.

i am yearning for my sanctuary.
a place where i weave my dreams.
to meditate
to relax
to savour life
and invite healing.

i am taking the trip back to my heart...

You are an Ocean Beauty!
Like the ocean itself,
You are deep, complex, ever-changing,

Turbulent and chaotic,
Yet also calm and peaceful

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

the orca needs the sea!

to once again be one with the ocean
to be in her habitat
a place where she feels she can be free

i am adrift in this ocean of life. where, akwardly, I know not what I truly feel. on most days I am happy and proud of where I am in my journey. yet on certain days when I am in solitude, I feel the insecurities creeping in and I hurriedly surround myself with the people I feel safe with.

what is causing this I do not know. but what I do know is that, when I fall into murky waters I will always surface feeling more confident that I will SURVIVE!

To me the greatest of all is still love. When we realize what it really is then we will all agree. What saddens me though is how people put restrictions to this beautiful experience. I myself am guilty of it. Not once but numerous times. It makes me all the more marvel about it, for it simply says that love can never be defined by words, emotions or by certain outcomes that we believe was a result of being in love.

Love, like all other beautiful things, is not just felt…it is experienced. It not merely for our companion in life, but for those that we deem our treasures in this world, our family, friends, and memorabilia that seems to bring back the days gone by. It could even be for things we find fulfillment in doing.

Love is also a verb. An experience we can give to the relationships that matter. It exists in each one of us. Clouded by how majority of the world sees it as. But when each one of us can tap into this great passion, then we find a different satisfaction to situations where we can share this experience.

Judge me as being too positive, and I will tell you that I myself thought love has given me pains and scars, at times even saline soaked eyes, sleepless nights and a fear of its shadow. Yet when I find time alone and ponder on what has been, I realize that it has but given me strength in every way, in facing tomorrow, in being able to give more of it the next time and of grasping how to make each relationship matter.

Life seems meaningless if we do not set our hearts and minds to achieving something when the light of it is to be put out. For me life is about the legacy of the relationships that one has fostered. And love is about making each one extraordinary.

So to those that have led me to this awareness and proven how achievable it is, gratitude to you from my hearts depth. To my family that expresses love in an unusual way. To my two eternal sisters, Ann and Jejee, for not letting distance and lifestyle hinder the bond that will always exist within us. To my soul sisters, who take no fear in making me see the possible outcomes of my decisions, but still understanding that I need to learn from each encounter. To friends that despite chaotic careers manage to sense when I need them. To two unexpected friends (Kenner and Jun), for making me realize the balance of work and play, long live Gemini personality! To the messengers that the Great Spirit has sent to remind me that I will find that one man in the opportune moment. To this place I will always call my home, where my Orca spirit can be one with the water and my soul refreshed and renewed.

I continue to pray that everyone may be able to experience this kind of life. Not a life that seem to be perfect, but one that acknowledges how to cope through the tough times and still be able to deal with the frustrations along the way. For then we make life worth it. Blessed be.

frustration sets in today. not with people but with the system. a system that makes you hope but then drops you like a potato. then you fell like everything you have worked for is null and void. despite giving blood, sweat and tears.

in the world we live in it is so rare to find men that are gentlemen. i was beginning to be a believer that chilvary IS dead. until i met these two men. they've been a SMS away for the past few days. and they're company when my other friends seem to be busy with their own lives. i find the gesture of them being there so comforting. especially in a time in my life that I just need the assurance that i am not alone.

a tour of dreams

with my fingers, i can count the days i have left in Tourism. it has been a rewarding 3 1/2 months and i wish I had worked here much sooner. and now each day brings me closer and closer to the end. i don't want to leave!

but as they say every door that closes opens up a window. yes, by february8 i will be involved (as a key player) in a nationwide senatorial campaign. exciting! last january 1, as i was soaked in a foamy tub in Holiday Inn, i had asked what this year will bring. the past year brought me people and opportunities, i believe this year will take me on a flying carpet tour of dreams i never thought was possible. and maybe love --i wish it does. for a gemini, this is something we have always wanted. excitment, thrills and an adventure into the unknown.

so now I look forward to the days to come. to unviel dream after dream. to encounter people that will make me grow. to find "him." to simply continue on loving life and take pleasure in being alive...

a sweep of sadness fills me today. why i feel so I do not know but its if I want to cry. I don't know who to tell or if i even should bother my friends about it. i know I get over this but i need to write about this day.

There have been a lot of moments to celebrate as well as to learn from in 2003. I feel a sense of pride in having achieved these in my life. But with the sensation of happiness I also feel that is more to my life than just that, a yearning to seek out further. Don’t get me wrong I have never been tough on myself. Not a perfectionist even. It’s just my hunger for life. Yes, I am a free spirit, a wanderer as some say. Always wanting something different, always wanting to be someplace else, it seems to some people that I do this because I do not know what I want in my life. Aimless and fluttering without direction. But the truth of it is because I do aim for something, I seek for a place to fly to. That is to enjoy life as it comes, and to share that sense of being alive to people who seek and have that same hunger for living. It is not that I have no perception for contentment, but instead it is not to stop in merely attaining material things, a successful career, a wonderful family or in popularity. It is in being fulfilled. Of being able to say I tried and I have done my best in whatever it is I have put my heart to do.

So now I see the New Year as another opportunity to do what I do best, survive and live life with the enthusiasm of a child. A fresh page to lay my pen and fill it with more tales of triumph over the negativity that prevails in the world. To be able to at least touch a soul whose wick may have been dampened by the circumstances in their lives and in turn be inspired by their renewed spirit.

Next adventure please!

CAUGHT in CONFUSION

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. Yet now I confess to the confusion in my heart and my mind. The tide is changing…

But as I always say, things happen for a reason. The last two years I felt like I was taking my Masters in Life University. The knowledge and experiential learning was just so rich. It was too intense that sometimes, when I’m alone and analyze what has been of this life, I feel that my mind can’t seem to contain all of it.

Again, I am confused. All the chapters of my life are unique enough that I can’t seem to make a pattern of what it is that I want to do for most part of it. I have created that protection of adaptability to the forces of life that makes me flexible enough to survive anything. There is that confidence that I know I can endure anything. I have for most part of my life. I know that given any challenge I can achieve. And though I should be thankful because that is a strength, it makes knowing what I want to do, to be and to make of myself all the more complicated to resolve.

If my goals and dreams were listed on a piece of paper, I have crossed out quite a few as of this moment. I wanna be proud of them. But what concerns me is that they are dreams that seem to be different forks in a road. It’s as if I take the side roads because I do not which highway to take. But how does one know that?

Of what I have become, it was always an effort to balance heart and mind. Though on most case it was heart that took the wheel, for I am woman that wears her heart out on a sleeve. It was always the instinct of what is in my heart which makes me walk or take that leap. And yet even that is changing. The disappointments of the past years has given me that impression that that gut feeling I consider when a decision is to be made will not always be right. It makes me question certain ideas. And sadly it makes me analyze too much that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Something that I would never want to happen.

And so now I find myself raising the query… Can knowing what you want in your life change? Or is that from the start you never really knew what it was? Could it be that the circumstances life has thrown your way influence the way you view yourself and what it is that will make you happy?

NO LONGER IN SLUMBER...

he's back!!!! it was so good to watch a brother playing his guitar with no else than sheer talent and heart. and what's make the night all the more special was sharing a few beers with him and suplada. i really had a wonderful time. bro, nice to see yah back in action. stay happy! suplada gurl, your rock!!!

thruly a kodak moment night. wow we had great photos...we gotta post em up guys!!

strange this ache i feel from within. how i wish there was a place to buy a pill from, pop it in, gulp down a glass of water and just wait for the pain to leave. to wake up feeling better.

why do i allow people to make me feel this way?? to let him hurt me this way. i allowed his words to cut a wound in my heart, punch a hole in my self-esteem tank. now i feel everything drain away slowly. hushing my self every now and then. so i retreat to those i call family. those i feel safe with. like a little girl, wanting to crawl into my daddy's lap and tell him to kiss this throbbing pain away.

i guess its all part of the tapestry called life. so i will let this pain go its way. weeding out the lessons and going forth much stronger. this weekend I will return to my sanctuary. to dive into its healing waters. a much needed release and some sun. maybe that can make me look at things in a different perspective.

EXTREME EXCITEMENT

i wanna go! I wanna meet the people! I wanna start! let's go! wahoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's how excited I am with this new job. now to those that have been reading me blogs. this is a new new job from the last new job I posted. yes, i resigned from new one and now I have another new one. confused? don't be. let's just say that now I have broken free of the clasps of the call center routine. a start to going to the path of my dreams. makes me all the more believe in destiny.

funny how all it took was to make that one big leap. letting go of the emotional baggages and excuses. i stopped saying "but what if I dont find a new job," or "but I need to sustain myself, I can't afford not having a job." once I took that step everything just fell in place.

i believe i am gonna love my new stress source (aka job) since it is so my personality. so tourism, here I come!!!!!

when you up in the mountains away from the worries, it seems that the mind is clearer to think and realize. for once again change is upon me and the two personalities that exists within me are one again in a debate of how to cope with it.

i was supposed to co-facilitate in subic but its seems that I got more out of the sessions than my participants. if there were two realizations that were imbedded in my mind during the teambuilding it would be that fear would always exist when there is change and its just up to us to manage that fear and that sometimes our attitude should just be JUST DO IT!

i acknowledge that it was my fault, and now I should take the consequence. i was scared of what could happen after my decison. what i was doing what making excuses. all you gotta do is go for it. that is what i should be doing. and its not after I go to the beach or something it should be NOW! i shouldnt be focusing on how high the pole is from the ground but rather in just climbing it all the way. as the xtreme adventure manager said, there are things in life wherein full understanding is not needed, you just have to do it. stop analyzing and just do it. what i need right now is to have the courage to move on no questions asked. i should be able to have the excitement as wanting to climbing that 25 foot pole. and once i get to the top i need to also have the courage to make that leap. then only will i be able to say I have overcome the obstacle.

this will be another ride of my life but now I can say i will be able to go through it with a different mindset and attitude. so friends can I trust you with my life, cause now I'll be climbing...

i mark the last period and flip the page to start another chapter of my so-called life. with a new job and a new journal, i look forward to what is instore for me.

learning from what has been. i face these blank pages with the eagerness to fill them with more celebrations, appreciation and experiences.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

its hard to be back as a participant in a training session when for almost a year and a half you've been facilitating and designing the course. now I find myself overwhelmed by the pressure of catching up with the other particiapnts. not that I'm slow or anything but its just that I process things differently now. there's too much numbers and memorizing abbreviations. gosh! my mind can't take this beating!

but in general the new company has been great. I like the lay-out of the center not to mention the location of our building. the people have also been accomodating and they're all young as well.

THE NEW JOB

its been great. the people have been fun. there was a bit of a withdrawal period from the previous company. but so far, so good. it has been very hectic as well, but at least you get to sit back and relax with co-trainers after the sessions.

MOVING ON...

my goodbye email to the company I have worked for two years...
i have always been emotional about goodbyes,
but i never thought i would be this attached to an organization.
iwill really miss the people and work environment here,
as they say, kakaiba...simply the bessssst!

Those were the days...
When all CCSs had rulers because the list was an excel print out, font 8
When we had to pile up scripts because we didn't have any software yet
When we had trivia chat sessions on AOL, complete with moderators
When we could still smoke in the pantry
When there was a big area to play and bond with team and batch
When there were more variations in the coffee machine
When you knew everyone because you had the same lunch break.
When foozball was a sport, it was a team effort that we actively engaged in
When the Dish account arrived and we had to camp out in the nap room for days to finish the manual
When the DISHers were also the recruitment team
When there was the Hatch Team that opened every account on the floor
When you really went to company parties because you knew you would miss half of your life if you didn't.

Those were times that I could say, in Globalstride we work hard but we also party harder.
There were crunch times, but it would never be without people that make it seem much lighter
We achieved in our job because we enjoyed the people and the environment we worked in.
That is the organization that I have grown to love.
Then slowly bosses, teammates and batchmates moved on,
Now it's my turn.

For the bosses and their open door policy, unselfishly giving an email or a pat on the back.
For the TLs and their extra motivational antics, and the belief they had in us.
For the fellow reps and their loyalty to the company.
For the company parties that were always one big teambuilding session.
This will be how I will always remember Globalstride.
As they say it is more than just a company, it was a family.
I was blessed to have been through those years with Globalstride.
And looking back I was fortunate to have experienced the growth to what the company is today.

As they say change will always be inevitable.
With my goodbye I utter blessings.
So with my hand over my heart, I thank everyone in this family.
To those that have left and to those that remain.
I will always be proud that I came from such an alternative company.

LOVING ONESELF

i choose to be free. i acknowledge that there is a cirle i need to consider. and within that circle i shall maximize my individuality. within those bounds I will make the most out of each day. i shall not depend on waiting for others to be prepared, hence i create the possibility for myself. with sincerity, my heart and the personality of my soul I give what I can give. yet I leave some for myself to grow. because now Iknow the importance of loving myself as well.

i start by realeasing you...

WHINNING ABOUT DECISIONS

dont' you get hunted by the thought of making the wrong decision? people say that it simply is a choice. true, but what about accepting the consequences behind that preference? and that sometimes you can't look that far ahead, because the circumstances seem to have built a wall. sometimes it is a result of the mistakes of the past. and because you accept the responsibility of that, you are the only one who can break it down. taking a mallet can't be the only way. you need consider the people around you, because the debris can be painful. still you have to make these decisions, otherwise you'll be stuck in a rut. so you take a step at a time, baby steps if need be. still you have to do it, the best way you know how. by waiting and praying...

STRENGTH

dont give up on me when you feel i do not listen,
you'll see that i'm learning from your life in my own way.

though i could be stubborn,
i do respect the wisdom i see from the way you react to situations,
let me process it through the filters that I have.

do not rush me,
let me grasp the lessons, slowly but surely.

i would bust down the doors if I find the need to.
but I also patiently wait for the right opportunities to sieze.
i am strong in my own way.

i am dealing with dissapointments today...

it is much harder to accept when it comes from the people you love. despite not wanting to expect, there is still that part of you that does. like a child realizing she was lost. then panic fills you, and you just want to slump on the floor and cry. though you know you will eventually forgive at this point, your heart aches.

so drowned myself in alcohol last night...
you control wanting to shout words that you might regret. not being able to endure the sting of the situation, you look for diversion. your gaze falls on the bottle infront of you, it spells r-e-d h-o-r-s-e, ahhh! you take a gulp. then another. then another. the lightness, the uninhibited energy bursts out, and you start grooving to the reggae music. at that time you needed a distraction, and the alcohol helped.

but there was a new friend that was there.

a relationship that started from linking, reading and appreciating her work. and tonight you saw her as a companion. though there was no obligation, she was there to accomodate me into her group. after a few beers and yay-gers you both made sure that the night would be worth the memory and a blog entry. to you, my heartfelt thanks, i will return the favor!

in a way my heart was broken that night. and yet, i also enjoyed the new folks that i met. and to two people that came in the nick of time. what mattered was that both of you were there. thank you for bringing me back to mr. kebab, all because i really wanted to and you wouldnt want me to whine all morning right? feels good to eat after all the beers.

.: guess this night was all about making the most of the situation :.

DreamCatcher: disregarding the truth and waiting in vain for the sake of love are the sorriest sins a woman can make<<--comment on this statement

A: am processing
A: i'd like to believe that when you find love... it is the absolute meaning of truth.
A: it's reality staring you in the face. meeting you where you are.

DreamCatcher: but at this point in time when people are corrupted by everything and anything could there really be true love? or is it relative as well

A: i believe in true love. i need to believe in it for me to be able to keep an optimistic view of life. if you lose faith in that one beautiful thing, there really is not much to go on.

DreamCatcher: true true

A: i honestly believe that love will be relative until you meet the right person
A: questions and doubts will arise until you come to that place where you release all of yourself and are willing to give it all up to another
A: that to me is true love and until you get there you cant describe it
A: i need to make myself vulnrable to some extent in order for me to know what i truly feel
A: without pain you dont know if you love

i live just like a woman,
make love just like a woman,
ache just like a woman.
but i break...just like a little girl.
-nina simone

i just got off the phone with alystaire. and i am just appreciating our conversations. they get to be very woman-like but we tend to conclude that we will always be the daddy's girl that we are. we reminisce about our growing up, she being in an american school and my hopping from one province to another. or how funny that when other girls were playing with dolls, we were in the firing ranges with our dads. also the fisihing trips that we thought were a waste of our time, but are part of the package that made us the woman we are. we give ourselves affirmations that we never really got to tell each other when we were living in the same country. but it's never too late! now I feel our relatinship growing even if she's in the other part of the globe. we get to talk about the impact of the decisions we have made in our lives, the carrer goals we have been thinking about and the men that seem to confuse use every now and then. sharing how we continually deal with the insecurities we have as a person. the vanity and spontaneity. don't we just love life?

its funny that because our parents were bestfriends then we became almost like sisters. you, me and angelsa. tres marias as they used to call us in church. and our being the only girl in each family made the realtionship even more solid. oceans may keep us apart physically, but our souls will always reach each other in prayer. i love you both to the core of my being. to eternity and beyond.

PURE SHORES

i set forth on that voyage with one thing in mind. to renew my exhausted soul. now that I look back, I got more than what i prayed for. the weather had tried to test my will, now I know it was a premonition. a sign that it would be a different weekend, one that would definitely have a special place in my life.

i taught me to rest...despite the energy that overwhelms me when i am in the island, i listened to my body this time. it has been deprived of sleep for so long. so that afternoon with the waves singing its lullabye, i closed my eyes and gave in. it was a night that I made peace with my body.

it taught me to believe in myself again...life is indeed like a wheel. there will always be a times that you have to deal with insecurity breakdowns. its part of going back to the middle. but that night at the beach brought people that just seem to gas up your self-esteem. it made me all the more say, its good to be home.

it taught me that attitude IS contagious...that sometimes things may not turn out the way we want them to, but we have to make the most of the situation. and though there is a default reaction to it, but still you kiss and make up! now i know that fun is not in the situation, but it is an attitude. it is you that makes a moment fun and exciting, that's when people are attracted to what you and your friends have.

it has taught me to enjoy the moment...totem poles in the water. trepassing on private property. pesto and vodka. hotdogs and wine. not the usual combinations, but it makes it even more memorable. and your left with pictures in your mind that you will keep in your heart's scrapbook. then once in a while our minds will suddenly play the slide show of the images and all you can do is smile. and in times when you're alone and moments flashes back, you can't help but say, i am blessed.

it taught me to be grateful for a new relationship...it's recognizing the value of new people in your life. it's appreciating them for the new perspective they give. ordinary things that seem to take a different shape because they made you look at it in a different angle. bugs, i hope that you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. thank for the pesto and the music. again i raise my glass, to more escapades.

it taught me how important friendships are...i share the island with my soul sisters and though we were missing one i count my blessings. we made a different set of memories that weekend with two other people. a new set of footprints on the shores of a place i consider my sanctuary. it also renewed a bond with a person that forever will be a part of my life. my bestfriend and sister, that homecoming would be a fragment of our life puzzle that I will forever hold near my heart. you have held my hand through the times that i felt the waves over my head. the dolphins were our gift, i love you rache!

so with a renewed spirit and a rejuvenated soul, i am ready to the face the reality of life once again.

ON GROWING UP

when a person tells you to grow up what does it mean exactly?
does growing up mean perfection?

all our lives we have been told by our parents to grow up. and still we feel that we fall short of what they expect. could it be that "growing up" is defined by the perception of a person. and so it would vary based on what a person feel is grown-up? do we equate growing up with maturity? but then what is maturity? a state in which you have reached what? it can be a play of words. but who really defines these these concepts, isn't it people? and as humans aren't they subject to the experiences that have gone through? so depending on that they base their "meanings." meanings that are different per person, per soul. thought processes once again...

FACES IN THE SUN
.: a friend's poem :.

The sunrise breaks over the sea
While they gather around me
Tears uncontrollably fall
Caused by dreams from the night before
A dream that left
An overwhelming feeling
Of loneliness and despair
Recurring even though
I've already woken up crying
So many times before
And then I look around me
At the people beside me
At the artist whose dreams
Magically shows up on paper
Whose friendship kept my course steady and true
At the hopeless romantic
Whose heart is the same as mine
Who never gave up on me
At the guy who was cool but rude
Who never left my side
and held me up everytime I fell
At the practical guy who was taught
Real love by the Woman and the Boy beside him
Who in turn showed me real friendship
At the little girl who always had a smile
Who always stood beside us
And never doubted what we could do
At the woman who catches dreams so effortlessly
Who was never afraid to say what I had to hear
At the woman I loved sitting at the far end
Whose mere presence I hold dear
Who I will never forget and always love
Even if the Gods pull us apart
I look at their faces
As they look at the sunrise
Each of them an angel
I realize
Though darkness may fall
The sun will always rise
And just as surely
My friends will always be there
Beside me

Thank you
You know who you are

a VOYAGE

the orca needs to return to the sea
to swim in familiar waters, she has been gone for so long
she needs to heal the wounds that the urban jungle has left on her.
to dive then to breech, feeling that rush of pure creative air into her body
for now she needs it more than ever.

i shall return to my heart today
that which I leave everytime i return to the city
it is in this island, where the life force is undying
no weather can hold me back.
i prayed for the sun to show itself today
and it did.
the Great Spirit has heard my plea.
looking forward to what this voyage shall bless us with,
for we seek retreat and renewal of the bond.

A GEMINI INDEED

-seeing both sides of an argument
-versatility
-readily adapts to change
-unique ability to understand what others are thinking
-innate curiosity about everything, they express interest in others drawing others to them
-concerned with the close connection between thought and verbal expression
-willing to dare the new ideas riding right along with the times
- fun loving
-spontaneous bursts of ideas
-fickle minded (i can see bugs nodding his head!)

yup 80% of this star sign. and I am all those!
i get a call from a friend after I sent him a message saying I was pushing through with plan A no matter what. But this came after we have listed till plan C and I pick out plan B. But then I felt I wasn't happy about it and my heart was heavy. but when I made that decision. I knew I made the right one. or that i will be making the most out of it.

when a friend affirms your bond, your soul feels renewed

there is a melody that sings in the night...
it speaks of your heart, of your peace...
it soothes me to slumber and carry me whole...
it floats in the air over water and fire to rest upon my weary heart...
and in dream i fly to a morrow of joy...
and i awake in the kiss of the morn knowing i had a friend who stayed by side
.:Celtic Princess:.

HEALING

i saw kamia today...

i was stunned.
part of me wanted to crawl under the table and hide.
part of me wanted to go up to her and just pull her back in.
i hestitated- what??-and yet i remembered my battle cry for the week,
CREATE THE POSSIBILITY!

we talked, catching up almost 4 years that have gone by.
there was an akward tension around us
but we laughed and talked more.
at that point in time i felt i wanted to tell her how much I have missed her.
how i have read her letters over and over.
but then I was called in for my interview.

it starts with you opening your doors and the experiences just seem to walk right in.
this is the start of healing a relationship

FINDING NEMO

i do like dory's character. she did have her issues but that didnt stop her from being a loyal friend to marlin. dory was comfortable with herself most of time. although she had to react to the journey she was on she never forgot that she should always have fun.

my friend sent me a message saying he was reminded of me when he saw dory in the film. as bugs said...You don't havethe memory loss but you do have the spontaneous playfulness and suprising bits of wisdom and the same cadence of speaking.

wasn't that just a very nice thing to say. thank you bugs! all i need to do is memorize that. who knows i can use it to meet more people! hee hee™


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

CREATING POSSIBILITIES

create for me is such a powerful word.
it gives you a window for opportunity and the challenge to make a difference.
for a person that enjoys to explore it is the ultimate experience.
having people tell me about the Landmark Forum makes me all the more excited.
having friends that encourage you of the possibilities of taking it makes me all fired up.

if by opening up my whole mind to the concept of thinking in a different way, i can lead an extraodrinary life, then why not give it a try. having been exposed to the views of people that have taken the forum, i believe that it will indeed help people lead a much more productive life. so I am indeed enrolling myself in the possibility of taking the forum. and I declare it right here in my own stage, to the people who read my blog.

the time I've been spending with old and new friends has been very enriching and inspirational. its like my incense talks but on a wider perspective. the very thing I need. work has been discouraging and dissapointing. it seems like we just go around in circles and never improve. you give it your best and still plans never materialize and I have given it 1 1/2 years. so I believe that is enough time. what even is more disheartening is the fact that they always bring it back to the trainer, to her not being flexible or focused. or to her passion in a different realm. i feel that is taking away away who I am. i have given up alot for this company because I believed in what they wanted. family relationships and even some friendships had to be sacrificed just so that i'll get a compliment from management, pathetically, just to be noticed by management. and it took me two years to learn the simple fact that its not worth it. in some way I acknowledge that I need to be more assertive. non-confrontational me, needs to stand up and speak up. i did. but i feel like, the committment I had with my superior was written in water. it hinders my plans of slowly going down the path of my dreams. in landmark jargon, it disempowers an individual. an i will not let them do that.

to my new friends, thank you for the affirmation that i am a coach. amidst the scars of the battles of the past, i now realize the future. that night's discussion was a blessing to me. and now i open my doors to newer things. it is never too late to start something. and i enroll myself in the possibility that I will go down the path of my dreams. i declare happiness and I visualize a future that I will be proud of!

i now can climb on top of my whale and declare my destiny.

NO MATTER WHERE LIFE TAKES YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS COME HOME

three faeries at sea...
sailing home to their island.
to the heart of the philippines they go...
their sanctuary, haven and refuge.
a place where their energy seems to flow endlessly...
une plage de mémoires.

they take a boat each. that with a figure head of each ones faerie soul. they try to sail the sea of life. battling the waves, they seek their True North. they are free spirits people say. they follow the wind, they hunger for where life can take them. making stops at their island for rest. but on this sunrise, you see the eastern horizon glowing rose-red. the breeze changes its sweep. a sailor's intuition, take heed. for that which was a calm sea in the morn has turned rough at dawn. a storm has set in and each faerie boat is being rocked. making it harder to steer and focus. independence, love, dreams and the future... that which make up each of them. ambiguity creeps in. the storm still rages, the wind howling. inside each vessel there is a dampness. two faeries wishing for the sun to come out. believeing in the hope of what could be, and trusting what they have shared. their friendship.

and on one boat, she awaits for the dove. she-that-wears-her-heart-on-her-sleeve, with saline-soaked eyes, utters a prayer. guidance o great spirit! for once again, a belief is shaken. my soul sisters. she clings to her heart for the hope that when the storm passes, each will find their way back to the island. to watch another beautiful sunset...together.

a year's worth of experiences in a month's time.
and now i just need to take a step back and let it all sink in.
take that which is vital and carefully sort out what is temporary.
time for decisions once again,
a part of life which is constant.

to you my sister, stand thy ground.
find the strength that exists in your heart
the wisdom of the years
believe in our battle cry...
courage is our creed!

change...
ahhh, i know you.
that which has been in the beginnning and present in the end.

so this is my past life?
interesting.....

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern USA North-Center around the year 1375.
Your profession was that of a preacher, publisher or writer of ancient inscriptions.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Artistic personality, always transforming the ugly into the beautiful, gray into bright colors. You would find an opportunity of creative self-expression in any situation.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your main lesson is to develop magnanimity and a feeling of brotherhood. Try to become less adhered to material property and learn to take only as much, as you can give back.

TOURIST IN HER OWN CITY

that's exactly how i felt last friday, as bugs, took me around makati
i couldn't believe that I havent seen how beautiful the new greenbelt area is
in each restaurant we passed in greenbelt 2, i just stared
beautiful interiors, not to mention very expensive
and the fountain, yes the fountain, was just magical
the cinema was as if i was in a different land
WOW
now i can say that i have checked out the bars in makati

saturday was another tourist trip
this time it was pasay, then to the reclamation area
and it was a big rave party at the NBC tent
to end the day it was a chill out place called tianamen bar
i've been missing out big time then
just goes to show that there is a bigger world out there

thank you for opening the doors
so many places,
so many memories,
so much to life indeed!

INSTINCT!

on that cliff once more,
a steeper one that is.
gathering all strength,
I hastily build a wall,
right now! Fast!
otherwise I will take an extreme fall.
a fall like none yet.
that which i can't see myself surviving
what are these emotions for anyway if we have to keep it bottled up inside?
yet releasing them could mean the end of a friendship that has been wonderful.
but the irony is we wouldn't really know what the outcome is until we try.

a day that started with a headache.
ended with good music and a calmer spirit.

i ended up not going to work today.
i felt like I would not have been productive anyway.
so i colored my hair--purple brown
i bought myself a pair of dreamcatcher earrings,
went to watch my one of my lil sis' gig in makati
and ended watch aquarella, a brazillian band, at monks dream
now that's pretty productive don't you think?

i've been doing alot of experiential learning the past few weeks,
loving the intellectual stimulation it brings.
been meeting people, appreciating other music genres....
been able to have a grand ol time...
making me say, "now this is why I love life!"
so to you bugs, you know who you are, my appreciation.
with my hand over my heart, i thank you.
you've been a great companion
a toast to more escapades!

upon getting home, i decide to check my email
and an email from a highschool friend came
so now m trippin on memories and was inspired to write in filipino,

para sa mga kaibigan nung panahon na simple pa ang buhay,
nung nagsisimula palang tayong hanapin ang ating indibidwalidad
ngayon may sarili nang mga buhay....
may mga pamilya...
napakarami na ng pinag daanan,
ngunit patuloy parin sa pagtuklas,
bumabangon sa bawat umagang darating.

kelan kaya tayo ulit magkikita kita?
miss ko na tayo.
inuman...
kantahan...
mga balik tanaw sa kahapon...
sa isang samahan na hindi mabubuag,
ng panahon o ng sinuman.

salamat sa inyo mga mare.

strange how i fit into you,
there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease.
strange how you fit into me,
a gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs...
.:Vienna Teng:.

i'm tracing the contours of this puzzle piece. seems as though it can fit well, though it might need a bit of sanding...

rough as it is, yet i believe and hope that time can make the grooves much better. in the back of my mind i fight with doubt. i try so hard to demise the fact that he'll end up simply as just a part of the past's imprint. but part of me believes that when i get to fit all the pieces together, i can always hold that one fragment and remember the happiness it brought me.

i will forever be grateful...

people come into your life for
a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.
people that touch your life will NEVER be a just a coincidence.

HELLUVA NIGHT!

people with one mission for the night...drink, dance and simply to let go!

the realization that all work and no play makes DreamCatcher a dumb girl hit me tonight.
doesn't really mean that I'll be partying every single night.
not to mention the nature of my job won't permit such.
its just that I need that time where my main goal for the night is to enjoy.
that has not been so for the past month.
although I have been getting very positive evaluations from my boss, including a chance to be promoted,
i feel like I've been such a workaholic.
so last night i had the chance.

funny how the decision to go solo actually produced an awesome night.
we celebrated chavis and yanna's birthday at Xaymaca.
jiLL was there to capture the moments ( nice to see ya gurl!)
the best reggae party to date.
booze, sessi0n road and dancing is a sure fire hit!
the best surprise was the people I met that night.
we may never cross paths again or recognize each other (blame it on the smb lite) if we see each other.
but what mattered was that very moment when everyone just wanted to let their hair loose.
although a group made a scene with a gun, that never stopped us.
Nor did it stop the energy in Xaymaca.

truly a helluva a night!

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	DreamCatcher
You will die on:	Sunday, December 4, 2033
You will die of:	Ritual Sacrifice
Username:
Created by Quill

Dearest Dreamcatcher,

An old friend of mine once told me that falling inlove again is like being way up high on the hill looking down on a calm river that could soothe the pain of the scorching sun. You cannot see how deep it is from where you're standing. But it looks inviting, tempting.

Either you go down to the hill and test the waters for shallow rocks.

Or (as crazy as you are) just dive in.

Love is taking chances, it is also letting go to the feeling that envelopes you, trusting your instincts, having faith in yourself, and never ever be scared of getting hurt for you know you'll heal. Love's a rollercoaster, and everyone wants a seat.

And when you jump off that hill, you'll never be the same again.

Diary.


Posted: Jul 12 2003, 12:21 PM @ SMB Forums

there is a whole world out there and I had to see it...
if I tell life what it has to be you limit it.
but if you let it show you what it wants to be, it will open doors you never knew existed.
Andre, from the movie "Tortilla Soup"

what is it I still seek?
there is uneasiness in me.
is as if I am looking for something.
significance of my existence?
is it recognition of my efforts?
could it be love?

cigarette in hand, music engulfing me. I let myself loose amongst my thoughts. that maybe in this moment before I let the career take hold once more, I might find some answers. or is it a way to console myself. because for someone that believes in exploring and letting the world open up to her, I am not doing that well. I let career rule me instead of me being in control. maybe, just maybe, I am doing or thinking something wrong. i wouldn’t really know, cause life never came with a manual. on the beautiful side, so far I still manage.

i still love life, that is what matters
I still hold on to my dreams, knowing that a step at a time...
I’ll get there.

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
People around you might think that you have never matured, dear Gemini, and that you still have the mind of a child. It might not seem obvious at first, but your light-hearted attitude is also a symbol of great wisdom. As with those who have truly committed to long-term romances, you will find out that you will never lose your light-heartedness.

so true!!!

QUERIES

why do the accounts keep pouring in one after the other?
what happend to the other team members i have?
will the time come that i can take some rest after every training session?
who is listening to me anyway?
when will this crunch time end?
do i make sense?

QUESTIONS TO YOU

Why is my patience dwindling?
Why am I restless?
Is as if I suddenly have lost faith in destiny
I told myself that would be the last time I would talk about it
That I would focus on career and wait
Trusting that when that time comes I would just know
Then why this feeling
‘tis as if loneliness creeps in
Planting doubts in my heart
Then taking its poison, attacks my mind
Making me pose questions
That I seem to know the answers to
And yet I am blinded.
Selfishly wanting, NOW.
Great Spirit, fill me with assurance
Let my mind stop its wandering
And my heart be still

Only you.

WEEKEND REST

it was a choice to get double pay or to take the day off because of the holiday.
i chose the later
i need to rest
i don't want another burnout right after my vacation.

sometimes i think i'm doing something wrong with my job
that my boss thinks like i'm not giving my best
i find it hard to work up to his standards
that i just constantly remind myself that i just have TO DO my job
if he finds it inadequate i still know i gave it my best shot
its hard to have a boss who's married to his chosen profession

as for me its all about balance
that between your job and the things that matter to you
the people that matter too
right now its challenging to find that balance
work demands too much while things are happening around you
guess that makes it more exciting...

sigh

SHOTGUN POETRY

ahhh...
what did I expect from this good friend
great poetry from the heart.
these poems will be on exhibit in Manifesto, a bar in Timog
i will post the dates when i get them
we would like to hear what you think of it as well!
so leave me your comments

check it out...

STANDING ON MY OWN

its final.
they're moving away.
all i feel is fear.
of not having the comfort zone of them being near.
that incase i make a boo boo, they can come and help me.
and as were a lost and confused little girl,
i find myself emotional.
distressed and afraid.
thought i have been living independently for 8 months now.
i am still scared.
now more than ever i want to tell them i love them.
it takes this separation, for us to lower our emotional defenses.

A YEAR OLDER

isolation from the world. be alone with my thoughts. there is a need for me to look back after 2 weeks of being too preoccupied with my so-called career. i feel like my life is too messy (again =p) at this point and i need this day to clean-up. to be able to feel that i DID turn a year older. a tad bit more mature (?).

it would be nice to have a talk with myself now that i'm 26. sounds weird? heck, i'm different anyway =p i've always been. yet i still have managed to lead a good life. not perfect. but one that has taken me to a lot of places and taught me things.

though at times i don't understand why things in my life have to happen the way they do. but as they say there are times that you have to just go with the flow. a few questions here and there. then you gotta do it anyway and anyhow. then after a few days or months you realize, things DO happen for a reason. like why i had to move away or take that 1 month leave.

amidst everything that has happened to me, i am thankful that i am still enjoying life. that means i still have the ooportunity to do alot of things.
to explore more.
to influence
to love...

life goes on!

to you Great Spirit...thank you for all the blessings. for 26 years you have sustained me. and though i could be a stubborn little girl at times, you have been patient.

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

reminiscent
longing
missing
that of being loved and loving back

questioning
doubting
puzzled
of its non-existence in my life

raining
cold weather
being alone
thoughts flooding my mind makes me want it more

patience
belief
faith in destiny
that it will come at the right time

UNEXPECTED GIFT

i thought my birthday ended.
my friends picked up from starbucks because we had to pick up other friends and catch the last full show.
indeed we caught a good show.
their show.

i said i needed to use the bathroom. when i came in the lights were off.
when it came back on...SURPRISE!!!!
flowers, balloons and even streamers saying "happy birthday"
everywhere.
everything was in purple too. even the roses.
i said to myself "wow, i feel so special."
and i thought my birthday was just a passing day.

the day started out like a bullet missing its target.
but it ended well.

to my friends,
a big kiss and my heart full of thanks.
it was such an unexpected gift. all the acting paid off!
galing nyong umarte! pang famas
to rachel and jansi, what can say but SALAMAT! we have indeed gone through alot! and still here we are FRIENDS!
to ched...next time you have to be there
i love you my soulsisters!!!

i am so blessed.
thank you my abba. thank you for life and the situations that make you celbrate a day at a time.

UNEXPECTED EVENTS

i had a long day at work yesterday.
went home and realized my keys were not in bag.
called up jansi since she has her set of keys
but she said it would take them 30mins to get home
that was the longest wait outside the door of my own house.
stooofid me to forget!

i was preparing for the SMB EB
but i felt i just needed to lie down a bit
i woke up 2 hours after, LATE!
panicked, i called persh up and asked
if she knew the numbers of the people.
she got them for me, good thing inababes was already in megamall
it was easier to coordinate.

finally we found jonathan and 11th
at starbucks megamall
but them my housemates had to pick me up
so i had to bid them goodbye and apologize.
i wasnt even able to talk that long.

it was one exhausting day but it ended well.

to inababes...thanks for being patient, i was late again...some things don't change huh?
to jon and 11th...nice to meet you guys! sa uulitin...i'd block the day.
to joy ...i'm really sorry you had to wait with no avail...bonk me in the head...wag malakas ha