A Letter to the Future

I have not given up on you. And I know I never will. Though impatience brought about questions and insecurities of your existence, I still believe that our True North would at the right time create this opportunity for our paths to cross.

During each time that doubts would start to surface He would bring into my life a messenger. Men that would show me a glimpse of how you would be like. Your traits, your faith & outlook in life and things we could enjoy doing for the rest of our lives together. Although He always made sure I would know the difference between a messenger and you.

And as I trod along this journey you were on the other side of that road having your own share of messengers, however you call them, but never losing the belief in our True North that I would be somewhere along the trail. It was this assurance that made us continue on the road, despite the detours and uneven paths; all because we knew it would be worth the walk.
So here I am a bit too eager once again. Another messenger our True North has brought along is once more giving me a peek of how you will like. With that smile that can calm an unpleasant day packaged with eyes that speak out and a means of showing any woman the respect they deserve. For this I am reminded to trust in the route I am in and that I have to tell my heart to simply be steadfast. It will be our True North that will lead the way.

As we rest our heads tonight, I pray, may you have the same peace of mind that we will get to that crossroads at the right time and our hearts will just know whose hand to hold.

Goodnight my weary traveler.

paintball asian cup 2006

Event: Asian Cup 2006 Paintball Tournament
Date: 10 & 11th June 2006
Location: Padang Timur, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia
Categories: Open, Pro-Am, Amateur, Novice
Organised by: Selangor State Tourism Action Council & Skirmish Paintball Asia Sdn Bhd

Contact: Skirmish Paintball Asia Sdn Bhd8-2,Jalan PJU 8/5C,Perdana Business Centre,47820 Petaling Jaya,Selangor,Malaysia.
Telephone : +(603) 7722 5629Fax : +(603) 7722 1435
Email: info@skirmishpaintballasia.com
Website: http://www.skirmishpaintballasia.com

The Asian Cup 2006 Paintball Tournament is back with a BANG!
This year's event is set to be BIGGER and BETTER!!
Improvements based on feedback from last year's participants have been taken into account. We heard you! Watch this space for updates!

For the LATEST Updates, please click here:
http://www.raskalmalaysia.com/forum/index.php?showforum=61
(You need to register first before reading)

To have a PEEK at the previous Asian Cup 2005, pictorials, reports, please click here:
http://www.raskalmalaysia.com/forum/index.php?showforum=52

http://www.thingsasian.com/goto_article/tell_story.3523.html

Asian Cup 2004 pictorials & report:
http://menteribeliasukan.net/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=124
At the same time we will update this section once important information are ready to be posted. If you do not see information which is important to you, it means we are in the process of finalising it. However, please feel free to enquire further.
Game on!

Skirmish Paintball Asia Sdn Bhd specializes in:- Paintball Supply- Paintball Equipment- Paintball Merchandise- Paintball Event Management (Team Building, Corporate, Family Day)- Site Consultant

Skirmish Paintball Asia Sdn Bhd
8-2,Jalan PJU 8/5C,Perdana Business Centre,
47820 Petaling Jaya,Selangor,Malaysia.
Telephone : +(603) 7722 5629 Fax : +(603) 7722 1435Website: http://www.skirmishpaintballasia.com/

Perfect Lover

Kumareng Jill has tagged me once again. This time its about a Perfect Lovah...if there is such a thing. *mumbles to self* But then again I had a good time listing things down. So here's goes:

The sex of the target: But of course...a MAN!!

Eight different points of my perfect lover:
1) He accepts the people that are in my life and those that have been in my life before him
...must not be homophobic cause gayness will always be part of my life...forevah!

2) He will have a cute nose with a mole and nice chef-like hands
...don't ask why :D

3) He makes me laugh out loud and let's me roll on the floor laughing :D

4) He and I can talk to about the petty, the spiritual and the absurd anytime.

5) He loves to travel, can survive almost in any kind of situation and can go along my adventures to the unknown.

6) He can control me with his eyes
...that's because I respect him...makuha ka sa tingin ika nga :D

7) He understands how to live with a woman who is free-spirited and has a childlike enthusiasm
...a.k.a. ME!

8) He has the playfulness of a child's spirit
...its like the feeling you get when...you jump up & down on your bed...hopping and skipping to the parking lot...its like...being with me :D

Eight people I'm tagging: SunshineKage, Celtic Soul, Inababes, Yvy, Persh, Nawooz, Edhel Espyn, Chuck

Rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again.

My Inner Child

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing.You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes.And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad.You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Infected by Wanderlust

i havent blogged for a long time because i have been so so so busy. but today i felt like i really needed to unload some of the thought process/es that have been brewing all this while...

that would be nice to travel and temporarily leave the Philippines and live (at least a year) in a different country, where people hardly know me. a new place to call home and start a life fresh with an opportunity to groove according to my own beat. it's not that i am unappreciative of what i currently have. its just a matter of trying to push my limits and see how i would exist on a clean slate. to be able to grow and increase the challenge of making one's existence a memorable journey.

where would i go? i could probably try malaysia, truly asia? or perhaps lucious italy? or scenic greece? maybe laid back hawaii would be a great choice?

i am back in my fantasy battle planning stage. the reality is i don't have the money or time to do this. and so the best thing is to ask for guidance, wait and be keen of the signs. to let the journey come alive even just in my mind, cause to me that can be the start.

'coz heck...it never hurts to dream.

Hi I am...Death

Death, the second of The Endless, you are
responsible for ending all lives and taking
them to your realm, from which no one ever
returns. You are bright, positive, happy,
optimistic and enjoy everything about life,
but that does not mean your silly or stupid.
You can lay the smack down when you have to!
Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

With a Cup of Teh Tarik...

Christmas Day was spent with my Uncle and a cousin joining us for some barbeque. It was nice to be home with family. What was even nicer was having some time with me and a hot cup of teh tarik. Yes, my Uncle came home from Malaysia bringing the powdered version of my most favorite drink…teh tarik. Two packs of this fragrant and delicious drink. My mom took one and I was left with an opened pouch that I unfortunately had to share with the family. Call me selfish but mom really had to work her way with me making a cup for everyone, which got me pondering during my alone time…

What makes some things in one life too hard to share?

Teh Tarik to me is a like a book that takes me on a story. Each sip is like flipping a page of that manuscript which takes you on a journey back through time. A journey that you want to take pleasure in alone for the fear that maybe other people may not understand its true value to you. Having teh tarik is like being back in Malaysia again, a place were great memories have been authored. It’s about the great (and cheap) food I have enjoyed almost in every corner of Petaling Jaya and KL. Its about spontaneous laughter brought about by ever flowing teh tariks and limo ice during late night mamak escapades. It’s about a sport called paintball and the men & some women (harmful yet harmless men) that make it even more exciting. It is also about being able to travel and let my free spiritedness fly, roam and conquer yet another nook of this world. Most of all it’s about a boy with a beautiful smile who is willing to buy me all the teh tarik I drink, hop & skip with me with childlike enthusiasm and assure me that I will always have a friend who's at the very least an sms away.

Maybe it’s hard to share my teh tarik because I felt that if I finish the pack I also am letting go of the memories I have attached to it. That one of these days when I look and see that the pack is empty I will forget the people, the places and the boy. I know I need to release this chapter of my personal history and make space for new and unknown worlds to experience. But for now let me sit and enjoy my teh tarik by myself cause I’m not ready to let go...not just yet.

Enjoy the Journey

why are people sad?

...because they are prisoners of their personal history. everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. they never ask if that plan is theirs...and they start to accumulate experiences, memories, things, other peoples ideas and it is more than they can possibly cope with. and that is why they forget their dreams...in order for the true energy of love to penetrate your soul, your soul must be as if you had just been born. people are unhappy because they want to imprison that energy

...which is impossible.

The Zahir
by Paulo Coelho

Keeping the Positive Vibe

such a messy week. so many responsibilities each one seeking to be in the top spot and yet time still remains to be limited. and being a part of the greater whole, some things are bound to be sacrificed. and sadly sometimes these are the things you enjoy doing the most. giving these up can break your heart, but you have the choice of letting the defeat (of doing what you love) drag you down or to be continually in control of your own attitude. as the gang would say...keep the positive vibe.

its remembering that the journey isn't over yet and there could be similar days when you feel that your dreams are being threatened. reminding myself that i make my own decisions, i determine the course that my stories would take. it's just a matter of enjoying the path, the scenery and the people i meet along the way including the occasional bumps on the road.

Strawberry Milkshake and You

i had a messy week and so i decided to sit down and order a creamy strawberry milkshake at my favorite coffeeshop and look back on the week.

in between sips, puffs and journal writing you come into mind. a man with a sunny smile whose eyes encourage one to think happy thoughts; i wonder how you are. it's been a while since I last heard from you. and as if the questions would some how transport itself to you i ask how your week was or which part of the world have you unpacked your suitcase this time? aside from this i might like to know if i manage to enter your thoughts as well. but irregardless of the answer i simply say thank you. an appreciation of the way you continue to inspire that there are good people still left in this world. and that i should continue to believe...

that although life may throw you sour lemons we can always load our hoppers full and start shooting away the bitterness as they come. hee hee...

i miss you.

Realize...

the zahir...paolo coelho's newest novel...borrowed a copy from a friend during a surf trip and couldn't put it down...



thank you kage for yielding to my request to go first. maybe it was all part of the plan that do get to read the book at that particular time because at that point in time it made a whole lot of sense to me. lemme share a few more stuff...

what is freedom?


why are people sad?

Do You Want an Orange or Blue Cabana?

Sunlight gradually creeps through the sheets till it hits your face. Then you stretch and prepare yourself to greet the day. You open the curtains and the blue and turquoise seas glitter from the distance. Indeed a good morning sunshine! You take in a breath of the fresh air and taste the saltiness that comes with it. You are on your beach cabana and far from the unescessary pulls and tugs of the urban jungle. Where time is spent on nurturing relationships and oneself.

How i wish that it was like that everyday...on my orange cabana.

Photos are from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pipsy/62183408/in/set-1343303/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/pipsy/31935487/

Henna I want...

I like the ethnic feel it gives.
I like the way it fades after a couple of weeks.
Plus the design is really good.

I found this at Yvy's site (she happens to be a friend of a good paintball brother) and asked her if I can post it up on my blog. Thanks Yvy! And any time your in Manila just holler!

Simple Pleasures

I guess my friend IS finally happy.

its sad about how people mistake you for something based on your appearance. but what they don't know is that for some people happiness could be as simple as having a baby and the experience of having to care for it.

i miss you kitty. i have no more yahoo grill partner. but i'm glad your happy.

DISCLAIMER: If you happen to know my friend Kitty.
Then you have to know that this is NOT her child.
This is a former officemate's kid.
Kitty is still very much sexy and is/was not preggy.
Hee hee.

TROPICAL STORM PEPENG

Click for a larger image.

Fate..are you playing with my heart again?

Just when I have gone through hell and high water just for this trip, you bring me this?

It even has to be in the exact location we will be wednesday morning!


Visit PAGASA Site for Updates on this storm

Friendster Therapy

there was a reunion of real good friends and such is the essence of our friendship that we are free to share whatever it is that is happening with our lives without the threat of one passing a judgement. thus the buzz word for that night was...THERAPY.

what is therapy?

a website says:
Therapy is any intervention in order to restore, maintain, and improve emotional, physical, physiological, and spiritual health and well-being

I have a new therapy since my workload (having 3 commitments is not an easy task) seemed to bottleneck in this one particular week, not to mention family issues that are like unforgotten-wounds-that-have-not-healed only to surface years after.

And so...welcome...my Friendster Therapy.

After each training session, i go back to my workstation...open my friendster...read the friends with new photos or updated their profilles and upload new photos! I have probably uploaded one photo a day last week. Not to mention read Mama Anna's (Angeles) blog, uploaded photos for Supahstah (Andrew) and Abbys, as well as find people I havent seen in a long time.

Then I log-off and head home. Next day I train...take my lunch break...train some more and do my friendster ritual all over again. What do I get from it? At the very least an essence of being able to catch up with the life I lead. With this I feel as though I am restoring and maintaining my well-being. Not everything we do has to make sense right?

Blog Color

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Curse of the Talented?

its not that I'm mad or anything but I do feel like I'm always the first option to save a situation if the original plan can't push through for reasons that are valid sometimes. maybe i should see it as a compliment. that since they know i could pull it through, then they would run to me. but what if i say no? i wonder how they would take that and if they would actually drop what they're doing to carry through. or would they even care?

but here i am stuck with fixing the script, a lil bit of grumbling but nevertheless looking on the brighter side of things. cause at least this is my bargaining card for me to be able to make it to the next surf trip.

does this make me mean?

Mobile Me

the cab was my home today. almost half an hour to proj 8 to get my paintball mask and shoes. an hour and a half to manila hotel to supposedly meet with my surfing boss. waiting at the lobby for 20 minutes. another hour and a half then it was my real home.

this is mobility at its best. i had my cellphone singing it's rush ringtone almost every 30minutes. shades, mp3 humming jack johnson, power naps between locations.

i got home at 6pm. overslept. late for shift. yikes....

Selamat pagi!

a wonderful morning indeed. how can a morning not be good if you're greeted by people that seem to have a natural talent for infusing laughter into any situation.

my raskal brothers getting to work early took time to make me feel at home with the paintball talk and the usual Raskal Havoc . conversational pieces that can only be from people who have a special connection with you.

next week i hope there could more raskals in the room. to speedyG thanks for being the brains in this endeavor.

saya rindu awak semua!

See ya next year Scottie!

Kathy, Kage and I met up for dinner with Kung-fu Scott, who's leaving to head back to work in Syndney tomorrow.

Scott and two other friends took a detour trip to Guiuan, Eastern Samar to join us for the 3rd leg of the Philippine Surfing Circuit. They were nice enough to help us with the surf clinics wherein more than 20 local kids signed up excited and willing to ride the waves.

So Scottie, we'll see ya next year Mr. Pro "Underground" Surfer!

and so i called him. i just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. it was an echo of calmness, control and yes--there was contentment. part of me saying I wish I had his life was real, except i had ommitted, my wish that it would be with someone like him (if not him) .

i need to head to a meeting now. but I shall continue soon...

photo credits to Pat Mateo.

Severe Beach Hang-over

Four days was too short for Siargao this year.
A note to self.
Next year will be different.
Need to stay for Zeny's birthday.
Need to wait for International surfers to come in.
I guess I need to find a different job.
Argh.

Return to the Island

SIARGAO HERE I COME!!!!!!

A chance to start writing on a fresh page. That is what has been given me today., the first day in my new job. And there is in me a desire to make this worth all the sacrifices the people around me had to endure.

Despite leaving the call center industry, I am once again drawn to working for a start up company. There are some new faces but the core team I will be working with are people I trust and that to me matters a whole lot. I look forward to picking up the pieces of my career as a trainer and and stick to it for a while after having realized that I can still make a difference whatever industry I am.

This is not a goodbye to events or paintball but rather a way for me to have the capability to do what I enjoy on my spare time. The true test lies in being able to create a balance between career and passion for events.

Gratitude to the people that still believed in me and extended a hand of help through difficult times. Indeed I am back refreshed, stronger and renewed.

Needing a JOB!

Anyone know of any openings for sales or call center trainer openings?
Or as event staff? Production Assistant?
If you do know of any email me or send me an sms!
Thanks!

Finding One's True North

I can choose either to be a victim of the world
or an Adventurer in search of treasure.
It’s all a question of how I view my life.
-Maria, Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho

I have always considered myself a dreamer. That is who I am. I find the determination in knowing I can dream and make them my reality. But right now I need to find my True North otherwise I'll end up catching anything that what I consider treasures may loose their value.

Picking Up the Pieces

Depression is still knocking on my door.
Everyday it becomes even more persistent in selling itself to me.
Presenting one sound argument after another.
It seems that all options lead to dead ends.
Possibilities loose their power and your self-esteem is under siege.
How then can one pick herself up?

True Freedom

I don’t know where you are and how you are, but you have been in my mind the past few days. Despite my wanting to let go and move on, part of me knows I cannot.

Can it happen that one loves wholeheartedly but is not loved by that person back?

I may not in my lifetime be able to tell you “I love you” point blank. But I know I have taken the opportunities to say it in action or by hiding them between other expressions. I have shown courage that much. And despite what they say that men cannot grasp beyond plain words, I know that you have an inclination of what my heart has to say. However I believe that love should be free. And that the true experience of freedom is having the most important thing in the world without owning it. That then is what I shall embrace. It doesn’t mean it is easy but it is the truth.

You have been a muse and a companion. To what the future holds for you, me or “us” it will unfold in its time. But I will always have faith in love and I know that it moves in ways that is beyond the intellectual grasp of any individual. Like a stream we cannot dictate how long it’s waters will flow. But like that woman who possessed “a light” in her- I also say to you and the messengers of love before you “ Come and bless me with your hope, and stay as long as you can.”

Fading Magic

There’s a picture of boy in my shelf that reminds me not to give up on my passions. He is a portrait of what enthusiasm can do to ones soul. And I need to be reminded of that fact. Cause lately life has been draining out of me and the magic of beliving is fading.

Reliving Moments

From time to time thoughts of you manage to still creep into my day. It's like a slideshow of photos I have taken with my mind of those random moments I felt were worth keeping. Like those timeless melodies, they’re a part of my life that I can take out whenever and wherever I feel the need to hum, relive and reassure myself that the choices I made in my life brought me to experience the beauty of people like you. Then the journey becomes worth every second.

Facing and Bracing Reality

I'll be gone for a while. I need to take a trip and face the current situation. It would be nice to say that I will do so with no fear but it will be lying. I don't like myself for having gone this far and letting me sink this deep. I am starting to burden people around me and if I dont start picking up now I may not be able to look at these people in the eye.

Pray with me that I will get through this...the right way.

a mere title

They call us trainers. It's a mere title. But I find the title too aggressive. I want to be considered a facilitator and coach. Not wanting to be a know it all but just trying to guide people to a different way of looking at things. That way it becomes a two-way process with the people that I deal with.

I believe that those that take part in the modules I handle will in part teach me a thing or two. And I am eager to join them in their learning, discoveries and realizations.

POWER OF MUSIC

I was tagged by Jill. So here goes...

Total volume of music files on my computer:
I really havent checked

The last CD I bought:

Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams"

Song playing right now:
Vienna Teng's Harbor

Songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
I'm changing the format a bit.
I'm posting my favorite artists,
the songs I like from their albums and
the words in these songs that mean alot to me.

Better Together by Jack Johnson
"Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together"

Strength, Courage & Wisdom by India Arie
"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen"

Ready for Love by India Arie
"If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart"

Healing by India Arie
"I release all these disappointment
From my mental physical spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why today I take life as it comes"

Eager Angels by Session Road
"Like eager angels falling from heaven
I'd give it all up to share the pain with you"

Suntok sa Buwan by Session Road
"Itanong mo sa akin,
tatanungin ko rin
kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin."

The Tower by Vienna Teng
"she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow"

Lullabye for a Stormy Night by Vienna Teng
"for you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight"

Harbor by Vienna Teng
"fear is the brightest of signs
the shape of the boundary you leave behind
so sing all your questions to sleep
the answers are out there in the drowning deep"

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
Does it really have to be five??
Goddess Morwen
Nawruz
Persh
Keng Keng
Edhel Espyn

Where is the Manual?

I want to take charge of my life…again. However I do not know where or even when to start. Somehow in the last few months I have seemed to either loose touch of certain aspects of myself that I feel like I do not recognize who I really am anymore. What makes it worse is that I am so good at rationalizing that I can convince the people around me that I am in control of the situations, so compelling that I manage to even assure myself that I am on the right track.

I am growing tired of my trial-and-error approach to handling the situations that come my way. Why can’t life just have a manual? That when things malfunction you can just turn to a certain page and read a step by step procedure on how to troubleshoot the problem. A guaranteed approach to deal with the circumstances that one is experiencing.

But then wouldn’t kill the sponteneity of life and make it boring? I guess the cycle continues…

That Time of the Year

It's that time of the year. When you feel that your whole system short circuits and you are left at your most vulnerable self. You want to get to your core and ask yourself if the year previous to this was any different the year before that. Sometimes it's just as simple as "Am I a better person?" But the answers always seen to be elusive at this time of the year, so maybe next year then? One of those mystifying cycles of life.

Maybe if I was...
Five or six, I would have looked forward to a party.
In highschool, it would have been a great time at the mall with my friends.
In college, I would have gone to a bar with my favorite band playing.

But I no longer am in these phases. So I guess this year I could try spending quality time alone with the celebrant...me.

Half Filled or Half Empty

Could it all boil down to attitude?

I was on that edge of either giving up or just going through it for the sake of the people that I would be turning my back on. Was I on the right track? Or should I just turn back now while I still had a fall back career. Or maybe I was asking the wrong questions.

Friends say that I needed to look into my priorities. Ask myself what is important and to probably stick to what would give me financial security. For a week there, I did let them get into my mind. I was seriously thinking of giving it all up. I thought I was loosing sight of the goal. But was happening is I was too fixed on the prize I was forgeting to enjoy the journey.

Maybe what I need is a change of attitude. That I should accept this as of now, sacrifice a little for what is to come and simply relish the experience in between the present and the dream cause I will never have a chance to relive that.

RANT on Paintball Politics

You know the people who have a heart for a sport when you see them SIMPLY promoting it rather than getting people on their side. Tournaments and events should be about getting people to play together and not getting them to choose who is the better organizer, or who gave the right amount of prize money.

They do not hide in the shadows of other nicknames but rather would speak their mind or confront in privacy the person who they think is at fault. They won't say things behind your back and smile when they're infront of you.

For a sport that still has a long way to go, why should there be camps? Why cant we just work hand in hand together for the growth of the paintball in OUR region? Do we really have say bad things about what others has done hoping to gain the sympathy of others? Isn't that just plain pathetic? Isn't that if you do not have anything good to say then just SHUT UP!?! Those that do business like this are the ones killing the development of the sport, instead of helping it.

Call me an idealist, but I really do want this sport to grow in player numbers and produce tournaments at par with the "big ones" here in the Asia-Pacific region. But if each tournament organizer is trying to out-shine and over power one another all because they have the capability or the money, then forget the goal. Cause after a certain time, tournaments will be too expensive to stage, that no one will be able to play in them anyway. Maybe you should ask yourselves...what are you really trying to do FOR the sport of paintball? Or does it really have to be about personal vendettas and gain??

A wise man from the United Kingdom told me in Malaysia that its not about who gets the bigger piece of the pie but rather how to make the pie bigger and bigger to accomodate everyone wanting a piece.

I would have to agree.

Touchdown Malaysia

I have arrived!! Currently at the Malaysian office and getting ready to go to my favorite mamak stall...STEVEN's CORNER!!!! Time for naan cheese and teh tarik!! Wahooo!!!!

I'll update everyone on the progress of my trip soon!!!

Countdown Malaysia

And so the countdown is on...Just 7 more days and Malaysia here I come!

It seems that anticipation is heightened each time I run a red mark through each day that passes. For each mark means a day closer to getting on that plane and saying hello to a country I call my second home- Malaysia.

What it is with this place, I do not know. It seems to have a lil bit of magic that makes me feel like I the person who I know I am!

A homecoming awaits me and the first on my list of things to do is to go to Steven's Corner, order naan cheese and teh tarik!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Emotional Ties

Are you familiar about the coping mechanism wherein we subject ourselves to "being busy" just so we don't have to think of someone? Especially someone that we maybe attracted to but somehow can’t or won’t have.

So after my trip to the country of If-It-Looked-Good, I realized I had to “be busy,” especially since I met “her.” And mercifully, life seemed to be on my side cause it gave me a lot of opportunities not to think of him (a.k.a PROBLEMS!). I even almost convinced myself I was moving on. Our interaction was limited to scarce text messages, email and Friendster. I read them, then think of “him” and then hit the home button and resume working on the marketing letter due tomorrow. It was going great.

What happens though when you’re not that busy and you a get a message from that one person that brings a blush to your cheeks? Not to mention time to be able to read it…over and over again? For me, the progress line of moving on suddenly stops and plateaus. You start reliving the memories and the butterflies in your stomach start to flutter again. I become that little girl with a grin that wouldn’t go away. Why was I-or rather still am- attracted to this man?

Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak or should I just let the infatuation die a natural death and enjoy the feeling while it lasts? Or should I just book more projects and loose myself (maybe even my heart) in the web of deadlines and meetings?

Wildly Sophisticated

While you can plan, you can't predict.
While you can try with all your might, you can't control.
While you can dream, you can't experience without action.

What you can do is choose..
The most important choice you have to make is your attitude.

-Wildly Sophisticated Woman

Loosing the Childhood Innocence

I was starting to loose the child in me. Journal writing became scarce, because I was neglecting to celebrate life on a daily basis. The fun was being replaced by the worries of the world and we all know how these can eat us up. The habitual existence, forced to do something for the sake of survival. The balance they say from being a dreamer and the reality of life. But how does one know what the right balance is? Can one really weigh one’s dreams against a scale?

The point when I wanted to give up on life, was that moment that I thought I had to give up all of my dreams that I felt my heart being gripped both figuratively and literally. For when dreams are taken out of one’s spirit then it is when the soul starts to wither. No longer does it hope for a future. The drum beat stops and we are left with no rhythm to follow. How then can one's spirit dance without its melody? Maybe the question should be why do permit that childhood innocence to be defeated by the complications that we bring into our lives? Only ourselves can permit the reactions to the situations that are thrown our way. We should not blame the circumstances for the state of our lives. We have to take control of our existence and not leave it in the mercy of the state of the world.

But why then do we replace friends with worrying. Rest with cramming. And somehow the magic of believing in the good dissipates and we are left with hopelessness.

What then should someone do to rise up from this quagmire? Can one bounce back from such a fall?

The LOWdown on Life

Indeed the universe does conspire to those who dream…initially at least.

Her life has taken, for lack of a better cliché, a dramatic turn back to what she felt was square one. Maybe it was the just the year, they said that the Year of the Rooster was not very lucky for Gemini’s. She was almost beginning to believe in the accurateness of astrology. If only they had answers to the multitude of questions that seem to crash into her in tsunami-like fashion.

"Why is all of this happening to me?" This is probably the I’m-getting-desperate-for-answers kind of question anyone can ask. But can one really find an answer to that question?

Last year, 2004, seemed to be her year. She had a job that took her places, met some very interesting characters to add to her list of people she called “the crayons of life’s coloring book.” Plus the trip to Malaysia, Singapore and Vietnam that she considered a grand finale for the year. All of this makes you say, ahhh….this IS the life. But then January came and everything just started to, well…suck!

From a near death encounter with fire (not her element at all), to moving out because of a brother that just pushed her to her limits, to parent’s that gave up trying to understand the lifestyle their daughter has been struggling to embrace. She now lives in a humble room, with really noisy termites and a couple next door that seem to perceive her as another girl trying to live a wild existence. Juggling a part-time call center job with a company that has lost it act and her “event projects” that do generate income-except add to the stress- but are however too interesting to give up for a full time office job, isn’t really much help to the situation. There’s also her almost non-existent savings account in the bank and the threat of no financial resources for April looming in the oh-too-near-future. Let us not forget to mention the debts she has to pay, that when put together can force one to tie a knot around their neck…now to just find a beam that can carry her weight. She has not had a decent sleep for a month now and the nausea she has developed for Jollibee food since that’s all she can afford to eat. One can’t help but be a little (NOT!) sarcastic and say…now, this IS life!

This woman now lives on a daily basis. Talk of the future is starting to sound ridiculous. She keeps the call center task to be able to make her rent money, eat yet-another-Jollibee-meal, provide her with access to the Internet and serve as a diversion for pathetic thoughts. Too survive at the very least. Because despite it all, there is still apart of her that continues to believe…that the universe is conspiring to her dream…they are just testing on how much she is willing to go out of comfort zones to reach them. Maybe that small seed can be enough to make miracles happen…

How Is Your Story Written?

If you were a writer, would there be unexpected twists in your tales? Would your story be in defiance to what the movies and literature feed us? How is your story written?

The chapter on love.

While some people write of the one that got away, or of the you-and-me-against-the world legend. Could it be that to some it will be just a one-way street? That they are destined to accomplish a certain task by being with a person and then they have to move on to another one?

Take my life for instance.

Friends say that I have mastered the art of falling and gracefully letting go of the men in my life. I guess they can say that because they are only spectators. Were they there when my eyes were swollen due to the over-nighter crying marathon? Or the time I was teetering on that thin line called madness because I was trying to find a plausible reason of the pain that I was feeling? I guess not.

If I sum up all those experiences, the raison d'être of my needing to let go was either because the feeling wasn’t mutual or because “my man” had to leave me for a valid reason. And all I was left to do was acknowledge that truth or accept the fact that life will pass me by if I continue to wait for the answers to the dead end question of WHY. So I am left with no option but to move on, thus the start of what seems as grace in letting go, was all just the strength in wanting to survive or the fact that it would it be pathetic to hold on. Then it all goes back to the beginning of a cycle that never really ends.

That is my story. How is yours?

Enough!

Tama na ang kahibangang ito. Wala naman talagang patutunguhan eh, di ko alam kung bakit umaasa paren ako. Ayoko na, pagod na ako. Minsan pakiramdam ay sadyang inaalala ang mga magandang alaala upang di ka malimot. Pero ngayon ayoko na. Imumulat ko na ang aking mga mata.

Weird! I'm blogging in Filipino!

And so I put a period to this so-called-love-team. Enough of you being a nice guy. I wish you'd just let me know how you really feel. No more hiding. Please don't sms me all because I did. Stop confusing me, cause that I can manage by myself!

So now I am talking to myself again and convincing me that I have to do it. I've done this before but why does it seem to be more difficult now! Why do I have to be such a hopeless and hapless romantic? It's pathetic!!!

Her Christmas Gift

anticipation is what fills her as she counts down the days till she finds herself in another country for 10 sunrises! a place where a someone is at least willing to give her the most wonderful Christmas gift ever...time and presence. though to some she seems to be opening herself to hurt and heartbreak, she shoves the thought and knows to simply enjoy the moment.

to herself she utters a sigh of contentment with the opportunity given her, for she knows that it is the best her new friend can devote. once again she will feel that she is a woman...capable of love and being showed loved. though it may seem temporary, for the chance she is thankful.

to you, the man with a gentle soul and enthusiasm of a child, she offers a prayer. may your heart forever be one that dances!

"GF"

was it that I had preparing myself for the news all this time. seeing the letters "gf" on that sms gripped my heart and yet i felt like I was anticipating that moment. an overwhelming sadness filled me and i just wanted to relieve myself of the pain with tears. for the 30minutes the warm drops fell and then there was none. 'twas as if that was all it took and then acceptance came over me. even now as I write this I feel that it was not a loss. and though his emotions are for another woman I know I have your companionship...forever.

the promise of a friendship, despite my wanting it to go down a different road makes the goodnight sincere. so i guess you were another messenger sent by the Great Spirit. and now I am back to status quo, to waiting and praying...

Feeling Small

a surge of feeling small came upon me today. the fact that one was chosen over me, seem to really affect me. why is it that I feel I am trying to compete for attention? when I very well know that I should be secured with who I am and what I can be. I'm not very proud at me when I start feeling this way. argh...

a wise saying I should prolly digest at this point is...
"It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak."
--From Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho

Heart's Desire

Oh, Great Spirit grant that which is in my heart
Clear my thoughts and calm my heart
For the past has given it some pounding
Reconcile my emotions and intellect
But nevertheless perservere for a cause
For risks in life are constant
and this i believe deserves one

You Will Be Missed

i've tried to put off me writing about this. I thought I can just let it go...but somehow it just wont go away. today while sorting out my yahoo photo album, i chanced upon his picture again. so here goes.

i couldn't really call you my close friend. but can say that you have been a part of my existence. from the handmade soaps, sanctum nights and those parties that seem to just leave us exhausted from dancing and boozed up. and who wouldn't forget Studio 54 at Greenbelt...we went from complaints to praises...who ever thought that would be my last memory of you.

weren't we all just having a great time with the music and the free beers that night. that was the weekend before I left for Siargao. i even invited you for some paintball when I get back. and that conversation we had about passing me on your cellphone since it was "the phone" i really wanted. and it would also be "the phone" that would make all other plans hanging...forever. is the world really this cruel?

the passing away of a person can lead us to realize alot of things we take for granted in our own lives. sad that you you left at such a young age...I would like to thank you for inspiring me to live life to the fullest and to constantly celebrate life day by day. I will miss you Joselu!!

Child-Like Enthusiasm

Odd how the picture of the guy I like becomes my computer’s wallpaper. Could it be my way to hang on to the memories? To be reminded of him constantly? I guess so. What happens then when I take it down?

Tonight I take his picture down. Since I don’t have orca pictures, I have replaced it with dolphins to remind me of the element I am comfortable in…the water. As I swap it I tell myself, it’s time to surrender to destiny once again. I confess to the fact that there was an attraction with this wonderful man. It is not everyday that I get to meet anyone like him. Someone who sincerely made me feel taken cared of. Brings me to the thought that maybe I am searching for that certain kind of kindness.

They call it a mother’s instinct, but I have always been looking out for people. I find fulfillment in it, but somehow I get to a point that I long for its reciprocation. A powerful realization and confession on my part, yet it is the truth. Once a man shows me that sort of attention, I melt and it never fails. Call it a soft spot. But the usual challenge is to be able to distinguish the genuineness of that show of sensitivity. Sadly, to some men it is nothing but a mere performance. But after meeting him and his friend I found the refreshing burst that sincerity is still possible.

With the new company up, I need to focus on our vision. And with the inspiration of you I give it a go. I now sort out that my job is reality and you are the inspiration. And when fate brings us together, then only will I really know if my feelings for you are what it seems to be. For now I content myself with the memory of a man that shared the child-like spirit. Someone who genuinely knows how to take care of a woman. You are a scarcity in this earth, and I am fortunate to have met you. Indeed what matters in this life is the company and friendships we have and then we can turn any situation into a party.

I'm Officially Missing You

your face is the first on my mind when I wake up...
and the last to leave my subconcious as I succumb to slumber...
i know not why you have this effect on me.
every waking moment the image of your sweet smile fills my thoughts
and if I had the power i would wish for you to be here
to fill my day with laughter and inspiration


yes I am a bit hooked. a weird effect by a man I had known for a very short time. yet in that brief period I felt something, beyond attraction for him. i cannot describe it. he is part rogue and part little boy. with an attitude that just seems to draw me even closer to him. when he is in his sport jersey he a boy at play. in jeans and a shirt, he's my rogue, a man that imspires me to be better. i want to understand why fate has to keep us apart. and draining as it is, i know there is a good reason. and even if the questions abound as to reciprocity, i know that I am willing to take it a step at a time.

HANGOVERed

what would you call the feeling that you long for someone the whole day? and the song "officially missing you" takes a whole new meaning.

yes, i have been stung by the so-called "bug" once again. and somehow this time it really made it's way deep, too deep that all efforts to shake it off has just resulted to exhaustion, physically and emotionally. now i'm dazed and confused. and honestly I am at a lost on how to effectively handle this. all i can say is..he got me at hello (dang! there's goes my drama once again)!

i guess i would just have to ride this through. and who knows Siargao may bring some surprises. Otherwise...I'm packing for Malaysia soon!

The only way to live life is to wake up each morning ready to face an infinite possibilities of what the day might bring. One can never be prepared enough; it's simply accepting and believing that we were given this soul for a purpose. And everyday is a step of a journey to finally knowing what it is.

There will never be an instruction manual on how to live one's life. We just have to go through it and feel what it has to offer. We get hurt; we learn and simply continue on. Its making the most out of every experience that goes our way. Disappointments, frustrations and bad decisions are part of the adventure yet it shouldn't be a reason to give up.

Maybe I write this to convince to myself. Because after a while though you believe in the journey, your character becomes exhausted with the daily ordeals you have to face. So I need to remind myself that it's all part of it. At times I feel the urge to raise my hands in defeat, and yet my spirit doesn't allow it, and so through daily musings I encourage myself to pause and then continue on the voyage

Slow down you crazy child
You your so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if ur so smart
Then tell me why are u still afraid
Where's the fire what's the hurry about
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and so may hours in a day
-from the movie "13 Going 30 "


Disappointment and frustration arise when one fails to accept the situation that they are in. They fight the current and end up exhausted from all the aimless fluttering and kicking. What one forgets is that life will always be about changes and transforming oneself with it. It might be easier said than done, but realizing is always a start.
Now I know how it is to be on a verge of depression.

I feel as if I am drowning in uncertainties. So much of it abounds in my life, that all I aspire for is to surface from them…alive.

Once again my vision is clouded, that even the path that lay ahead of me is obscured. I live a day at a time, reactive…instead of proactive. I feel I am paralyzed. This is when frustration and disappointments can triumph over one's spirit, and I refuse to succumb to these two. I believe there is more to me and I have to get my act together.

circle of women

a circle of women that awed the political playing field....definitely beauty and brains...

Posted by Hello

with the bosses

SETTLE? NOT!

Tonight, I trod the path to what seems like freedom from the bondage of settling for mere companionship. The operative word-- MERE.

All my life I have jumped from man to man convincing myself that he is worth the emotions-- and consecutively the pain. But what I tried to dismiss was the fact that for most of them, what I thought was acceptance of the entire persona was just a way for me to prolong my agony until the next, and hopefully better one comes along. In some of those men I did find genuine attraction, but it wasn’t the right man or it wasn’t the appropriate time. And for a stubborn person like me, thirsty to experience what life has to bring I embraced each one with eagerness, eventually teaching my heart to create an illusion in most of these affairs. A daydream, of what to me is a guy who I can and would want a commitment with, and yet the only thing they can reciprocate with, was at the most--friendship.

I knew from the time I meet these people that I was going to fall for each one. Not because there was something mystical about the person, nor was it sheer destiny, but because I have mastered the art of observing the traits of each man and have taught myself to appreciate that which is delightful and learn to accept the eccentricities. What I failed to see was that, I was getting into these “friendships” for the wrong reasons. For very selfish reasons. That in my bouts with loneliness there can be one that I can turn to for companionship. I not only got myself into a friendship of pretensions, but in turn, i deceived myself.

So tonight I realize that the path to freedom can be awkward. But as each pain cuts through my flesh I find my mind opening to what can be a relationship with these men that is more genuine and if not, rewarding. I cut each bind I have created and start anew. There are things to learn and most definitely unlearn. But in the end, this life is not about just finding yourself, but rather in creating and re-creating oneself.

victory party

You are the fox.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

My muse.
Gratitude to you.
For you have revealed that which I truly seek.
To look into one’s heart, and find the kindness of the soul

With this I grasp the Great Spirit’s message
To tell my heart to be steadfast and believe
That he will come and I will recognize
The same gentleness you have showed me

May healing come to you
Be contented and at peace
Value that which has been given to you
Go, and devote thyself to them
And unconditionally love.

so did ya miss me??

i haven't written in my blog for the longest time. it used to be a daily cleansing routine. that was when I had access to the internet everyday and my own computer at work. it's not that i stopped writing, i still do. but I do it in our home computer and sometimes I don't get to upload them here because of my busy schedule.

but i guess this (blogging) will be a habit i will never be able to shake off. i'll start posting again.

Here I am again, feeling the stir. A restless heart that seem to be in search for meaning, to ask my questions and seek for the answers. I wish to go beyond the self, and share me to others as I usually have. To live wisely, love generously and praise loudly. And so I praise two people that despite all odds and pride, I know love me with all their heart.

It is not everyday that we realize how much our mother and father has contributed to our lives. Most of us in this generation go through that phase that we question the love our parents have for us. We judge them of being narrow-minded and authoritarian. What we fail to see is that, though it may be a cliché, all they want is what is best for us.

As I usually say, I wish life came with an instruction manual. We can read the how to’s when we are faced with a difficult situation. But then wouldn’t that take away the spontaneity of life and thus make us too boring?

Raising up a child is not easy. I have seen my parents do it to me and two brothers. I’ve seen the challenges and the sacrifices my friends had to make to rear up my two god-children, whom I consider as my own. With this I imagine, how difficult it could have been for my mama and papa to make me who I am today. They didn’t get instruction manuals either. I confess I didn’t make it easy for them. I was stubborn, I went by what I wanted and I rebelled. I broke their heart most of the time. And every time I did that I was also hurting myself for hurting the two people that love me the most.

I have been blessed. Because regardless of the ache I caused them, they were always willing to forgive and to surround me with support each time I fell down. I have been given parents that challenged me to experience life from different perspectives. They taught me that the needs will be provided for but that I must work for my wants. Through example they left me with the legacy of love, compassion and offering yourself for other people. Now I appreciate that the constant caravan to the next assignment location, which I despised as a young girl, educated me to be flexible and to understand the world in which we live in. A world that can be harsh, but nevertheless full of people that seek meaning in their lives. People that deserve our respect and understanding.

I have a father, who showed me what it was to be loyal and dedicated to any endeavor that you believe in. He gave me the gift of conversation and travel that no one can ever take away. He believed in what I can achieve, and felt sad when I give up. He was my trainer on what it is to be independent and being responsible for your actions. There was also my mother who taught me what it is to be a strong woman. She opened my heart & soul to the importance of music and art in one’s life. That crying didn’t mean weakness but instead being true to one’s emotions. She showed me that sacrifices have to be made at a point in our existence, and you can be happy after that.

This experience made me who I am today, a survivalist, someone who can exist in almost any situation. One that knows that in being open minded, there is also that responsibility to set limits. That ones freedom ends when we are going beyond the freedom of another individual. And though it took me a while to understand all of it, the credit is due them. I love you both.

i am in a whirl of thought processes today. blame it on pre-natal day life analysis, normal at some point. for it is in asking that you find answers and learn to make yourself more mature.

another year has passed and the best way to describe it is one great ADVENTURE! I wasn't expecting that by making a risky decision to leave the call center industry, it would actually enable me to catch more dreams into my web. dreams that give you the inspiration to finally take a wave. many times I have wanted to paddle hard and ride a wave, but I have hesitated and took the "safe ones." not anymore. i took the wave i feared the most and it has given me the ride of my life.

doors have opened and are opening that sometimes I am left overwhelmed. what i had thought as mere possibilities have become reality. all it took was for me to say enough is enough it's time to follow my heart...

now i see a vision for myself. the clouds have parted and what seemed a gloomy life is now being filled with the rays of an optimistic sun. i look forward to more beads on my dreamcatcher. dreams caught and filtered down to the eagle feathers and into my life. this is my analysis...this is what my life has been the last year.

ANOTHER MESSENGER

yet another one sent by the Great Spirit. funny how they get better everytime. but they are also sent with the tag that says "not the one, but a proof that THE ONE exists."

my gratitude and the prayer that you continue to live your life with the extraordinary way of seeing things!

GOING PLACES

puerto galera has always been the place to go when I need to recharge my tired spirit, but this weekend was simply different. I WENT TO MINDANAO! It was a roadtrip from Cagayan de Oro, Iligan City and Bukidnon. What makes it even more exciting was being stuck with 3 adventurous people.

i have always abided by the fact that work should always be fun. and that's was how our Team CARAGAX (don't forget the x for X-factor!) works! true to their word...stick with them and you'll definitely go places. postering, looking out for comelec people, leafletting and field advertising has never been more fun. It was a roadtrip that took me away from the cruel world. from going to the maximum underdrive challenge and going all the way to valencia, bukidnon and who would forget the waterfall part. simply amazing!

i owe it to you bage dearie and mius huney. of course we didn't have to go that far if it wasn't for jo! Jesus H. Christ!!!

the french man

i found him! of course thank you google!!! he made me feel like a true princess, and nothing can beat that. despite the relationship being really short it was something I will never forget! and he's involved in independent films now, I'm proud of that! i miss him... i hope he emails back...

________________________________

love is game?

i don't understand this game anymore. it's tiring and I don't even know how I got in it in the first place.

i know I know where I stand with this man, we are friends...buddies. but I don't see why it still has to be difficult. could it be that I make it hard for me? i tell myself I am not expecting anything but when he doesn't show up I feel disappointed. it makes me ask if he's hiding something or if he just doesn't want to see me. argh! until when will I remain patient? i really don't know the answer to that. but as of this moment i still have a little voice inside me that says "keep on..." but once that goes away, I know its time to move on. my goodness! talk about having an effect on me.

i let this happen and I will see it through...

you've got a journey to make
there's your horizon to chase
so go far beyond where we stand
no matter the distance
I'm holding your hand...
sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
---Vienna Teng


the fog has cleared up...
now I know where I stand. I am happy. i feel much much lighter. and i can focus on the job at hand. it was hard to concentrate when you feel that someone is feeling bad because of you.

we are friends. pals as we now call one another. not that I am closing my door. but i'm taking it slow. there is attraction and i will not deny that, however it better to build with a strong foundation than one that is bound to fail. i still think too much. i sometimes analyze what the days has in store. but I will not know, so I will take it a day at a time.

cest la vie!

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We’ve come so far in this desert…
Shine with all the untold,
Hold the light given to you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose.
-Vienna Teng


She wanted time alone for herself this weekend. To deal with the emotions that she had been feeling for weeks now. She has been taking one blow after the other, and had too many puzzle pieces that didn’t seem to fit. The clutter was keeping her from setting her gaze straight, too many reflections on the side mirror and it was hard to drive. And somehow she feels that the setbacks have jeopardized her work. More and she knew her name would suffer and that was out of the question. Her reputation was the only investment in life that she had.

Every now and then we need to take time to sit down put the pieces together and see what the picture it creates. Too many stray pieces can be frustrating, since it goes to show that there is no goal and it’s a strike as it comes kind of life that your leading rather than that of purpose.

I guess that was what she was looking for…her purpose. Believing that change is constant in life has helped her cope. Back in college she thought she had everything figured out and after leaving university all she had to do was to materialize the dreams. But then life showed her numerous turns. She took some of them and it changed her. She has come to terms of her being a free spirit. It is not easy being one. But having this knowledge she has began the growth of becoming the best of who she can be.

And so she has been confronting herself…what now? She has wanted a sense of stability, in career and in her life. But there’s more of life, she thought. Despite everything she has experienced, there is a vast ocean awaiting still. She still needs to set sail to many seas, to more ports, to brave more storms. Only then can she find that one safe harbor, that place she will call home.

And so as a fresh week arrives she will look to life with more enthusiasm. Renewed and ready to face what squalls that will come her way. For in the end it will be a beautiful sunset that awaits this woman who wears her out on her sleeve.

_________________ ... ___________________ ... ____________________

Everything changes…
Everything falls apart…
I can’t stand to feel myself loosing control,
In the deep of my weakness I know.
-Sarah MacLachan


If its vulnerability then at this point in time I am at the summit of it.

Past loves have settled down and some have finally accepted who they are and I feel like I have been left at the base camp. So I keep myself preoccupied with career and friendships that I have gotten used to these kinds of relationships. Everyday different individuals come and go at this station. Some of them manage to leave me with the hope that the person I am looking for does exist. And with this I keep my tent.

At this moment, I bundle up my sleeping bag and pack my tent. For I shall take the risk to climb up this mountain. I am anxious and terrified as to what is in store for me. I find all my insecurities resurfacing. That of the physical as well as the emotional. And this is where vulnerability begins to creep in. For when you begin to open up your heart with someone, you feel as if you want everything to be right. And the limits that you have set seeing other people go through this phase are but beginning to fade. You give up one after the other. Until that protective wall falls to the ground, and you find yourself stripped to the barest of emotions.

At this state, I know I am exposed to pain. For a woman who naturally wears her heart out on her sleeve, being stripped to the barest makes me even more susceptible, gullible not to mention exposed to hurt. It is now that I try to remind myself that everything will fall into place. Living life to fullest includes in its package the confusion, disappointments, celebration, constant lost-in space moments and yes pain. But as I stand up each time to regain my balance I know that I am stronger and more mature yet. In this life were risks and changes are the constant I know that experiencing the extremes is can be beneficial if not essential.

I confess that I am scared of where I find myself now. But these are the situations that have been pitched at me. The ball is in my court as to how to play this game. Because as I look back at the road I traveled I have gone a long way to be a coward and turn back. I remind myself of the battle cry I share with my sisters—Courage is our creed! I accept each day as new day to learn, to stumble and to make the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. It is then that I know that I have made most out of the life force that the Great Spirit has given me. And in each chance I get I make sure to rejoice in the stories of the people that will always be part of my life.




March 20, 2004
The day I disappeared in the metro

i will disappear this weekend...
i wanted to go to my sanctuary,
to once again be lullabyed by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore
but time will not permit
and i maybe summoned to the headquarters
and be called in to do responsibilities
those that go beyond what i should be doing...

so my alternative is that I will stay within the urban jungle,
yet far from the stress that continues to pour in each day...
such an overwhelming amount, that I am drowned
i shall work but i will do so with the music that stimulates creativity.
all by myself!!!

i can be a pit paranoid at times. but today I believe I was I little bit over the edge. I'm not used to these mind games anymore. Can't it be just easier and more honest?

I'm really beginning to like him (I know some friends who would donk me in the head for this statement). I wanna be careful but I don't want to also loose the opportunity. In this confused state, I know that Alystaire has a point in saying chill. But my heart tells otherwise and my intellect seems to be in unison with it. I don't want to feel pain anymore. But then again, maybe it would be more painful if I don't even allow myself to explore the possibilty. I've always been the woman who wears her heart out on a sleeve. And in a way it gets me trouble, but looking back it has made my life worth it. I guess my friends are sometimes wondering why it is that sometimes even with their constant warning I still manage to sneak past them and most of the time...find myself a pain source.

Right now I find myself just wanting more and more of the attention he gives. As one friend said, there is less of the "being with him" and more of the "talking with him." But I enjoy the talking with him, because I get so much from his stories. I really don't know what will happen I am in limbo till we see each other again, but then I just want to be as honest as I can. If this relationship works and he is as sincere as he says he is then I will be so thankful.

till my next blog....

i have always said that the constant thing about life are RISKS...
and i know that I am willing to dive in or tackle it on, but sometimes when it stares you in the face your left frozen stiff.

so here i am in limbo...i just accepted the fact that i get attracted to the wrong "men" and now I am tredding the waters of much mature man. i know that i shouldn't even be bothering about this right now but then I just want to be able to unleash the emotions that is boiling inside of me.

i know its mere longing. but i am affected by the lack of "it" in my life. i always comfort myself by saying i should be patient. but haven't I been? i have had enough of learning from the men that come and go. i want one that i can keep for a much longer time. you can't help but sometimes ask, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I feel the strain. The thread is being stretched. A lil bit more and I know it will snap. As my default low-esteem self is, I blame no less than…ME! This campaign is really getting on my nerves. The people, the instability, the hourly changes in the schedule. Is this really a constant in my life? Or did I choose it? Or could it be because I let them do it to me. I am affected by the tiniest of things because I let it affect me. But shouldn’t I be?

Part of me doesn’t even care. But most part of me wants to get to the bottom of things. Am I doing it all wrong? I need to take a step back and explore the probabilities of this stress point. Why do I feel this way? Is it mere burn out. If it is then why do I get so burnt out easily? There must be something wrong with me work style. Frustration sets in now. I need to get out more often. Maybe I need solitude more often. Maybe I should just go back to being an EA.

i close my eyes...
and i can see the melody of the shore's colors,
made more vivid and clear by the sun's rays
i can taste the saltiness of the wind's breeze,
a reminder of healing and relaxation.

i am yearning for my sanctuary.
a place where i weave my dreams.
to meditate
to relax
to savour life
and invite healing.

i am taking the trip back to my heart...

You are an Ocean Beauty!
Like the ocean itself,
You are deep, complex, ever-changing,

Turbulent and chaotic,
Yet also calm and peaceful

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

the orca needs the sea!

to once again be one with the ocean
to be in her habitat
a place where she feels she can be free

i am adrift in this ocean of life. where, akwardly, I know not what I truly feel. on most days I am happy and proud of where I am in my journey. yet on certain days when I am in solitude, I feel the insecurities creeping in and I hurriedly surround myself with the people I feel safe with.

what is causing this I do not know. but what I do know is that, when I fall into murky waters I will always surface feeling more confident that I will SURVIVE!

To me the greatest of all is still love. When we realize what it really is then we will all agree. What saddens me though is how people put restrictions to this beautiful experience. I myself am guilty of it. Not once but numerous times. It makes me all the more marvel about it, for it simply says that love can never be defined by words, emotions or by certain outcomes that we believe was a result of being in love.

Love, like all other beautiful things, is not just felt…it is experienced. It not merely for our companion in life, but for those that we deem our treasures in this world, our family, friends, and memorabilia that seems to bring back the days gone by. It could even be for things we find fulfillment in doing.

Love is also a verb. An experience we can give to the relationships that matter. It exists in each one of us. Clouded by how majority of the world sees it as. But when each one of us can tap into this great passion, then we find a different satisfaction to situations where we can share this experience.

Judge me as being too positive, and I will tell you that I myself thought love has given me pains and scars, at times even saline soaked eyes, sleepless nights and a fear of its shadow. Yet when I find time alone and ponder on what has been, I realize that it has but given me strength in every way, in facing tomorrow, in being able to give more of it the next time and of grasping how to make each relationship matter.

Life seems meaningless if we do not set our hearts and minds to achieving something when the light of it is to be put out. For me life is about the legacy of the relationships that one has fostered. And love is about making each one extraordinary.

So to those that have led me to this awareness and proven how achievable it is, gratitude to you from my hearts depth. To my family that expresses love in an unusual way. To my two eternal sisters, Ann and Jejee, for not letting distance and lifestyle hinder the bond that will always exist within us. To my soul sisters, who take no fear in making me see the possible outcomes of my decisions, but still understanding that I need to learn from each encounter. To friends that despite chaotic careers manage to sense when I need them. To two unexpected friends (Kenner and Jun), for making me realize the balance of work and play, long live Gemini personality! To the messengers that the Great Spirit has sent to remind me that I will find that one man in the opportune moment. To this place I will always call my home, where my Orca spirit can be one with the water and my soul refreshed and renewed.

I continue to pray that everyone may be able to experience this kind of life. Not a life that seem to be perfect, but one that acknowledges how to cope through the tough times and still be able to deal with the frustrations along the way. For then we make life worth it. Blessed be.

frustration sets in today. not with people but with the system. a system that makes you hope but then drops you like a potato. then you fell like everything you have worked for is null and void. despite giving blood, sweat and tears.

in the world we live in it is so rare to find men that are gentlemen. i was beginning to be a believer that chilvary IS dead. until i met these two men. they've been a SMS away for the past few days. and they're company when my other friends seem to be busy with their own lives. i find the gesture of them being there so comforting. especially in a time in my life that I just need the assurance that i am not alone.

a tour of dreams

with my fingers, i can count the days i have left in Tourism. it has been a rewarding 3 1/2 months and i wish I had worked here much sooner. and now each day brings me closer and closer to the end. i don't want to leave!

but as they say every door that closes opens up a window. yes, by february8 i will be involved (as a key player) in a nationwide senatorial campaign. exciting! last january 1, as i was soaked in a foamy tub in Holiday Inn, i had asked what this year will bring. the past year brought me people and opportunities, i believe this year will take me on a flying carpet tour of dreams i never thought was possible. and maybe love --i wish it does. for a gemini, this is something we have always wanted. excitment, thrills and an adventure into the unknown.

so now I look forward to the days to come. to unviel dream after dream. to encounter people that will make me grow. to find "him." to simply continue on loving life and take pleasure in being alive...

a sweep of sadness fills me today. why i feel so I do not know but its if I want to cry. I don't know who to tell or if i even should bother my friends about it. i know I get over this but i need to write about this day.

There have been a lot of moments to celebrate as well as to learn from in 2003. I feel a sense of pride in having achieved these in my life. But with the sensation of happiness I also feel that is more to my life than just that, a yearning to seek out further. Don’t get me wrong I have never been tough on myself. Not a perfectionist even. It’s just my hunger for life. Yes, I am a free spirit, a wanderer as some say. Always wanting something different, always wanting to be someplace else, it seems to some people that I do this because I do not know what I want in my life. Aimless and fluttering without direction. But the truth of it is because I do aim for something, I seek for a place to fly to. That is to enjoy life as it comes, and to share that sense of being alive to people who seek and have that same hunger for living. It is not that I have no perception for contentment, but instead it is not to stop in merely attaining material things, a successful career, a wonderful family or in popularity. It is in being fulfilled. Of being able to say I tried and I have done my best in whatever it is I have put my heart to do.

So now I see the New Year as another opportunity to do what I do best, survive and live life with the enthusiasm of a child. A fresh page to lay my pen and fill it with more tales of triumph over the negativity that prevails in the world. To be able to at least touch a soul whose wick may have been dampened by the circumstances in their lives and in turn be inspired by their renewed spirit.

Next adventure please!

CAUGHT in CONFUSION

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. Yet now I confess to the confusion in my heart and my mind. The tide is changing…

But as I always say, things happen for a reason. The last two years I felt like I was taking my Masters in Life University. The knowledge and experiential learning was just so rich. It was too intense that sometimes, when I’m alone and analyze what has been of this life, I feel that my mind can’t seem to contain all of it.

Again, I am confused. All the chapters of my life are unique enough that I can’t seem to make a pattern of what it is that I want to do for most part of it. I have created that protection of adaptability to the forces of life that makes me flexible enough to survive anything. There is that confidence that I know I can endure anything. I have for most part of my life. I know that given any challenge I can achieve. And though I should be thankful because that is a strength, it makes knowing what I want to do, to be and to make of myself all the more complicated to resolve.

If my goals and dreams were listed on a piece of paper, I have crossed out quite a few as of this moment. I wanna be proud of them. But what concerns me is that they are dreams that seem to be different forks in a road. It’s as if I take the side roads because I do not which highway to take. But how does one know that?

Of what I have become, it was always an effort to balance heart and mind. Though on most case it was heart that took the wheel, for I am woman that wears her heart out on a sleeve. It was always the instinct of what is in my heart which makes me walk or take that leap. And yet even that is changing. The disappointments of the past years has given me that impression that that gut feeling I consider when a decision is to be made will not always be right. It makes me question certain ideas. And sadly it makes me analyze too much that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Something that I would never want to happen.

And so now I find myself raising the query… Can knowing what you want in your life change? Or is that from the start you never really knew what it was? Could it be that the circumstances life has thrown your way influence the way you view yourself and what it is that will make you happy?