Her Christmas Gift

anticipation is what fills her as she counts down the days till she finds herself in another country for 10 sunrises! a place where a someone is at least willing to give her the most wonderful Christmas gift ever...time and presence. though to some she seems to be opening herself to hurt and heartbreak, she shoves the thought and knows to simply enjoy the moment.

to herself she utters a sigh of contentment with the opportunity given her, for she knows that it is the best her new friend can devote. once again she will feel that she is a woman...capable of love and being showed loved. though it may seem temporary, for the chance she is thankful.

to you, the man with a gentle soul and enthusiasm of a child, she offers a prayer. may your heart forever be one that dances!

"GF"

was it that I had preparing myself for the news all this time. seeing the letters "gf" on that sms gripped my heart and yet i felt like I was anticipating that moment. an overwhelming sadness filled me and i just wanted to relieve myself of the pain with tears. for the 30minutes the warm drops fell and then there was none. 'twas as if that was all it took and then acceptance came over me. even now as I write this I feel that it was not a loss. and though his emotions are for another woman I know I have your companionship...forever.

the promise of a friendship, despite my wanting it to go down a different road makes the goodnight sincere. so i guess you were another messenger sent by the Great Spirit. and now I am back to status quo, to waiting and praying...

Feeling Small

a surge of feeling small came upon me today. the fact that one was chosen over me, seem to really affect me. why is it that I feel I am trying to compete for attention? when I very well know that I should be secured with who I am and what I can be. I'm not very proud at me when I start feeling this way. argh...

a wise saying I should prolly digest at this point is...
"It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak."
--From Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho

Heart's Desire

Oh, Great Spirit grant that which is in my heart
Clear my thoughts and calm my heart
For the past has given it some pounding
Reconcile my emotions and intellect
But nevertheless perservere for a cause
For risks in life are constant
and this i believe deserves one

You Will Be Missed

i've tried to put off me writing about this. I thought I can just let it go...but somehow it just wont go away. today while sorting out my yahoo photo album, i chanced upon his picture again. so here goes.

i couldn't really call you my close friend. but can say that you have been a part of my existence. from the handmade soaps, sanctum nights and those parties that seem to just leave us exhausted from dancing and boozed up. and who wouldn't forget Studio 54 at Greenbelt...we went from complaints to praises...who ever thought that would be my last memory of you.

weren't we all just having a great time with the music and the free beers that night. that was the weekend before I left for Siargao. i even invited you for some paintball when I get back. and that conversation we had about passing me on your cellphone since it was "the phone" i really wanted. and it would also be "the phone" that would make all other plans hanging...forever. is the world really this cruel?

the passing away of a person can lead us to realize alot of things we take for granted in our own lives. sad that you you left at such a young age...I would like to thank you for inspiring me to live life to the fullest and to constantly celebrate life day by day. I will miss you Joselu!!

Child-Like Enthusiasm

Odd how the picture of the guy I like becomes my computer’s wallpaper. Could it be my way to hang on to the memories? To be reminded of him constantly? I guess so. What happens then when I take it down?

Tonight I take his picture down. Since I don’t have orca pictures, I have replaced it with dolphins to remind me of the element I am comfortable in…the water. As I swap it I tell myself, it’s time to surrender to destiny once again. I confess to the fact that there was an attraction with this wonderful man. It is not everyday that I get to meet anyone like him. Someone who sincerely made me feel taken cared of. Brings me to the thought that maybe I am searching for that certain kind of kindness.

They call it a mother’s instinct, but I have always been looking out for people. I find fulfillment in it, but somehow I get to a point that I long for its reciprocation. A powerful realization and confession on my part, yet it is the truth. Once a man shows me that sort of attention, I melt and it never fails. Call it a soft spot. But the usual challenge is to be able to distinguish the genuineness of that show of sensitivity. Sadly, to some men it is nothing but a mere performance. But after meeting him and his friend I found the refreshing burst that sincerity is still possible.

With the new company up, I need to focus on our vision. And with the inspiration of you I give it a go. I now sort out that my job is reality and you are the inspiration. And when fate brings us together, then only will I really know if my feelings for you are what it seems to be. For now I content myself with the memory of a man that shared the child-like spirit. Someone who genuinely knows how to take care of a woman. You are a scarcity in this earth, and I am fortunate to have met you. Indeed what matters in this life is the company and friendships we have and then we can turn any situation into a party.

I'm Officially Missing You

your face is the first on my mind when I wake up...
and the last to leave my subconcious as I succumb to slumber...
i know not why you have this effect on me.
every waking moment the image of your sweet smile fills my thoughts
and if I had the power i would wish for you to be here
to fill my day with laughter and inspiration


yes I am a bit hooked. a weird effect by a man I had known for a very short time. yet in that brief period I felt something, beyond attraction for him. i cannot describe it. he is part rogue and part little boy. with an attitude that just seems to draw me even closer to him. when he is in his sport jersey he a boy at play. in jeans and a shirt, he's my rogue, a man that imspires me to be better. i want to understand why fate has to keep us apart. and draining as it is, i know there is a good reason. and even if the questions abound as to reciprocity, i know that I am willing to take it a step at a time.

HANGOVERed

what would you call the feeling that you long for someone the whole day? and the song "officially missing you" takes a whole new meaning.

yes, i have been stung by the so-called "bug" once again. and somehow this time it really made it's way deep, too deep that all efforts to shake it off has just resulted to exhaustion, physically and emotionally. now i'm dazed and confused. and honestly I am at a lost on how to effectively handle this. all i can say is..he got me at hello (dang! there's goes my drama once again)!

i guess i would just have to ride this through. and who knows Siargao may bring some surprises. Otherwise...I'm packing for Malaysia soon!

The only way to live life is to wake up each morning ready to face an infinite possibilities of what the day might bring. One can never be prepared enough; it's simply accepting and believing that we were given this soul for a purpose. And everyday is a step of a journey to finally knowing what it is.

There will never be an instruction manual on how to live one's life. We just have to go through it and feel what it has to offer. We get hurt; we learn and simply continue on. Its making the most out of every experience that goes our way. Disappointments, frustrations and bad decisions are part of the adventure yet it shouldn't be a reason to give up.

Maybe I write this to convince to myself. Because after a while though you believe in the journey, your character becomes exhausted with the daily ordeals you have to face. So I need to remind myself that it's all part of it. At times I feel the urge to raise my hands in defeat, and yet my spirit doesn't allow it, and so through daily musings I encourage myself to pause and then continue on the voyage

Slow down you crazy child
You your so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if ur so smart
Then tell me why are u still afraid
Where's the fire what's the hurry about
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and so may hours in a day
-from the movie "13 Going 30 "


Disappointment and frustration arise when one fails to accept the situation that they are in. They fight the current and end up exhausted from all the aimless fluttering and kicking. What one forgets is that life will always be about changes and transforming oneself with it. It might be easier said than done, but realizing is always a start.
Now I know how it is to be on a verge of depression.

I feel as if I am drowning in uncertainties. So much of it abounds in my life, that all I aspire for is to surface from them…alive.

Once again my vision is clouded, that even the path that lay ahead of me is obscured. I live a day at a time, reactive…instead of proactive. I feel I am paralyzed. This is when frustration and disappointments can triumph over one's spirit, and I refuse to succumb to these two. I believe there is more to me and I have to get my act together.

circle of women

a circle of women that awed the political playing field....definitely beauty and brains...

Posted by Hello

with the bosses

SETTLE? NOT!

Tonight, I trod the path to what seems like freedom from the bondage of settling for mere companionship. The operative word-- MERE.

All my life I have jumped from man to man convincing myself that he is worth the emotions-- and consecutively the pain. But what I tried to dismiss was the fact that for most of them, what I thought was acceptance of the entire persona was just a way for me to prolong my agony until the next, and hopefully better one comes along. In some of those men I did find genuine attraction, but it wasn’t the right man or it wasn’t the appropriate time. And for a stubborn person like me, thirsty to experience what life has to bring I embraced each one with eagerness, eventually teaching my heart to create an illusion in most of these affairs. A daydream, of what to me is a guy who I can and would want a commitment with, and yet the only thing they can reciprocate with, was at the most--friendship.

I knew from the time I meet these people that I was going to fall for each one. Not because there was something mystical about the person, nor was it sheer destiny, but because I have mastered the art of observing the traits of each man and have taught myself to appreciate that which is delightful and learn to accept the eccentricities. What I failed to see was that, I was getting into these “friendships” for the wrong reasons. For very selfish reasons. That in my bouts with loneliness there can be one that I can turn to for companionship. I not only got myself into a friendship of pretensions, but in turn, i deceived myself.

So tonight I realize that the path to freedom can be awkward. But as each pain cuts through my flesh I find my mind opening to what can be a relationship with these men that is more genuine and if not, rewarding. I cut each bind I have created and start anew. There are things to learn and most definitely unlearn. But in the end, this life is not about just finding yourself, but rather in creating and re-creating oneself.

victory party

You are the fox.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

My muse.
Gratitude to you.
For you have revealed that which I truly seek.
To look into one’s heart, and find the kindness of the soul

With this I grasp the Great Spirit’s message
To tell my heart to be steadfast and believe
That he will come and I will recognize
The same gentleness you have showed me

May healing come to you
Be contented and at peace
Value that which has been given to you
Go, and devote thyself to them
And unconditionally love.

so did ya miss me??

i haven't written in my blog for the longest time. it used to be a daily cleansing routine. that was when I had access to the internet everyday and my own computer at work. it's not that i stopped writing, i still do. but I do it in our home computer and sometimes I don't get to upload them here because of my busy schedule.

but i guess this (blogging) will be a habit i will never be able to shake off. i'll start posting again.

Here I am again, feeling the stir. A restless heart that seem to be in search for meaning, to ask my questions and seek for the answers. I wish to go beyond the self, and share me to others as I usually have. To live wisely, love generously and praise loudly. And so I praise two people that despite all odds and pride, I know love me with all their heart.

It is not everyday that we realize how much our mother and father has contributed to our lives. Most of us in this generation go through that phase that we question the love our parents have for us. We judge them of being narrow-minded and authoritarian. What we fail to see is that, though it may be a cliché, all they want is what is best for us.

As I usually say, I wish life came with an instruction manual. We can read the how to’s when we are faced with a difficult situation. But then wouldn’t that take away the spontaneity of life and thus make us too boring?

Raising up a child is not easy. I have seen my parents do it to me and two brothers. I’ve seen the challenges and the sacrifices my friends had to make to rear up my two god-children, whom I consider as my own. With this I imagine, how difficult it could have been for my mama and papa to make me who I am today. They didn’t get instruction manuals either. I confess I didn’t make it easy for them. I was stubborn, I went by what I wanted and I rebelled. I broke their heart most of the time. And every time I did that I was also hurting myself for hurting the two people that love me the most.

I have been blessed. Because regardless of the ache I caused them, they were always willing to forgive and to surround me with support each time I fell down. I have been given parents that challenged me to experience life from different perspectives. They taught me that the needs will be provided for but that I must work for my wants. Through example they left me with the legacy of love, compassion and offering yourself for other people. Now I appreciate that the constant caravan to the next assignment location, which I despised as a young girl, educated me to be flexible and to understand the world in which we live in. A world that can be harsh, but nevertheless full of people that seek meaning in their lives. People that deserve our respect and understanding.

I have a father, who showed me what it was to be loyal and dedicated to any endeavor that you believe in. He gave me the gift of conversation and travel that no one can ever take away. He believed in what I can achieve, and felt sad when I give up. He was my trainer on what it is to be independent and being responsible for your actions. There was also my mother who taught me what it is to be a strong woman. She opened my heart & soul to the importance of music and art in one’s life. That crying didn’t mean weakness but instead being true to one’s emotions. She showed me that sacrifices have to be made at a point in our existence, and you can be happy after that.

This experience made me who I am today, a survivalist, someone who can exist in almost any situation. One that knows that in being open minded, there is also that responsibility to set limits. That ones freedom ends when we are going beyond the freedom of another individual. And though it took me a while to understand all of it, the credit is due them. I love you both.

i am in a whirl of thought processes today. blame it on pre-natal day life analysis, normal at some point. for it is in asking that you find answers and learn to make yourself more mature.

another year has passed and the best way to describe it is one great ADVENTURE! I wasn't expecting that by making a risky decision to leave the call center industry, it would actually enable me to catch more dreams into my web. dreams that give you the inspiration to finally take a wave. many times I have wanted to paddle hard and ride a wave, but I have hesitated and took the "safe ones." not anymore. i took the wave i feared the most and it has given me the ride of my life.

doors have opened and are opening that sometimes I am left overwhelmed. what i had thought as mere possibilities have become reality. all it took was for me to say enough is enough it's time to follow my heart...

now i see a vision for myself. the clouds have parted and what seemed a gloomy life is now being filled with the rays of an optimistic sun. i look forward to more beads on my dreamcatcher. dreams caught and filtered down to the eagle feathers and into my life. this is my analysis...this is what my life has been the last year.