AN OVER ACTIVE MIND

i said i will stop worrying, thinking and over analyzing and yet my mind remains to be in some hyper mode. even when my body is tired and needs sleep, my mind continues to churn and dreams have been abundant. this happen for more than a week now. confusing dreams, mixed characters-some i do not even know- and multiple situations that i cannot understand. they seem to be a cross between reality and a pseudo-world my overly creative imagination has painted. everytime i wake up, i am just stunned if not sweating from what had just transpired in my mind. i even feel it was too real. it could be just the excitement for my trip. or the pressure of having to make a decision when i get back.

its not that simple. i want to make a good decision but i wouldn't really know the outcome unless i take the risk right? i'll just let destiny take its course. though part of me prays so hard for a miracle anda sign that this is the time and i should take the turn. everything will turn out okay, how? i don't know, its a mystery! ain't that exciting...


LAST THREE DAYS

i can hear and feel the summon of the beach...the call of adventure...ahhh...almost there....

A STORMY MIND

thought upon thought...
like waves hitting the shore on a stormy day...
from different directions they come,
some deep and senseless,
others vital and immediate...

after two weeks of thinking i couldn't take it any longer. it was too much. my poor mind is dead beat. its like one more thought process can snap that thin line. sleep was hard to achieve because my mind was too active. dreams were so vivid from all the activity in my brain. dark circles around my eyes are evidences of my plight. now a vow i take to stop thinking- and analyzing- and simply just listen. heeding the signs of destiny. resting my weary thoughts and having confidence in my dreams. i take it a day at a time.

6 DAYS TO GO...

still counting down till the day i set foot on another country...
to those that have wished me a safe trip...my appreciation.
to those that have given me tips...i look forward to doing all of them.

9 DAYS AND COUNTING

ahhh then its off to a 10-day relaxing rendezvous. i really don't know where all the excitement is coming from. it could be from the fact that this will be my frist trip outside of the country. another reason could be that i just love to travel. or the opportunities to experience a different culture. the call of the beach...the new people i could be meeting.

limitless...right now i just looking forward to this vacation. away from the city, in a place where no one knows me. a trip to country with a very interesting (not to mention) rich culture.

this will be one great trip...no one will stop me from enjoying ...THAILAND here i come!

a SURGE of NEW PEOPLE

i am amazed by the influx of new people reading my blog. not to mention one of them knows a very close friend of mine. thank you dropping by my blog guys...again these are my thought processes that i just wanted to write down, maybe read back and see what lesson i learned from it...

A SIGH OF RELIEF

WHEN DECISIONS ABOUND

There is something I still seek. Despite the abundance of rest and creativity that is overflowing, there is still a part of the puzzle that baffles me. Try so hard, I have to make sense of this and yet I end up mentally exhausted. The night lamp has been burning for days and my body clock confused. In search for at least a clue, but no luck.

Risk. Indeed it is constant in life. When we are afraid to paddle on till the river bend we never really know what lies around it. Most of us are paralyzed by the possibility of raging rapids that awaits us. Fear, the existence of it may rob us of opportunities that we may regret in the long run. But the question that prevails, are we ready to take the risk? Another word to consider, preparedness. Can we really prepare for everything? My belief is that we cannot, otherwise, I am going against my belief in faith and destiny. What then is pulling me back from taking the plunge? Could it be my not wanting to leave another comfort zone?

I had told myself that I would be true to myself. I can very well say I know what I want and what I see myself doing. And yet I am confronted with the anxiety of not being able to see it through. What ever happened to my enthusiasm for adventure and plunging into the unknown? Why is there inconsistency of what I would want and what I see myself I am capable of doing? Why do I continue to ask when it actually restricts me from making a move. I have become too much dependent on stability. But could we possibly achieve stability without the threat of failure?

Options and restrictions exist to every decision that we have to make. But I go by the motto of Carpe Diem. It may seem to some as a hindrance, yet I have always considered my being a free-spirit as a strength rather than a weakness. We can never know what tomorrow brings. We may prepare to the best of our ability just to be slapped with a totally different scenario the next day. Then our attempts to be prepared were simply a waste of time. We wouldn’t even know if we would be here the next day.

I have enjoyed living my life and I am proud of that. It may be unconventional and yet I know that it has given me valuable lessons, ones I would not trade for any other experience. I know i would make a decision i'l stand up to. Whatever that is, is for me to find out...

things happen for a reason...this thought helps me remain calm at this moment. otherwise i would have been banging my head to the wall.

i can't believe i woke up 20 minutes after the scheduled departure for DFA. i was preparing for this all night and just like that i made it slip. i just wanted to shout at myself...WHY DIDN'T I WAKE UP??? to top it off, when i checked my phone, i had a text message from my mom saying she hopes i will be at DFA today! i think i'll be in trouble.

i'm stressing myself i know. but in times like this i don't know how to control the feeling of frustration. i'm torn between...there's nothing else i can do at the moment but wait for the agency to open... and the thought that, maybe i should just rush to DFA and maybe i'll find them there. as for the latter, it'll be a total waste of resources though. plus i don't even have a working phone!

great spirit, i seek for the emotional waves to be calm and may there be peacefulness to know what to do. knowing the importance of this trip to my family and myself i pray so hard that i will NOT do anything to jeopardize it. may i take in the lesson from this situation with a spirit that is humble. great spirit, i eagerly ask for a chance to make this situation right. amen.

tonight i was able to have a long talk- over beer and pizza- with a very good friend that is actually also one of my bosses. i really appreciate that talk. we really have a similar outlook in life and we just babbled on forever. another person in my support group that i value.

his advice...STOP ASKING...

i guess he was right. i dwell too much on things and i analyze it until my head feels like a prune. i believe that i do know what i want. i'm just afraid to get out of my comfort zone. well i guess it time to take the plunge. take the risk.

i believe.

we've been back from Puerto Galera since Tuesday. yet my heart forever remains there. it seems like that was reality and being back in Manila is but a mirage. it was truly a wonderful time. our soul brother was able to make it with a friend and we were able to spend some time with them. all in all, each watch tower got a renewal of energy from the beach. now its time to sit down and make time to think about some decisions. most of us are in the crossroads of certain life changing decisions. it maybe in the different aspects of our lives yet each move is a vital one. different strokes for different folks, yet each heart connected. right now we are just looking out for each other. i've got the best people to back me up, so i know i can do this.

its thursday night...XAYMACA night! we just got back from watching our brother at his gig. we were also able to talk to him about his crossroad. for him its, "so many women, so little time." overwhelming? indeed. well i guess he will be the only one to know what he should do. as usual we are just here to support him. bro, you know were just here for you!

its off to go home for me and my soul sisters

to Puerto Galera it is...to the beach...to our haven...our soul brother will join us by sunday....this will surely be interesting and a wel deserved vacation...and we will try to post pictures!

XAYMACA

Three Red Horse beers after...I was sliding down the bark like structure of a bench by the door of new tambayan. I was enjoying it. It felt good to be light headed not minding what I had to worry about or analyze. We had a long day at work and it felt as if all my brain cells just went on low batt. It was a good night to share with friends. We had as few beers and wonderful resounding laughter. Its funny how we can actually have fun despite certain circumstances if the three of us stick together.

We also got more roses today. Now its up on our wall, waiting for them to dry.

After each night out, its off to Mr. Kabab. A Persian restaurant that serves the best chelo kebabs and the proximity that we will cherish. Here our soul brother joins us. It was a very light atmosphere that night. Rachel was drunk and just yapping for one straight hour. Wow! Talk about marathon. Then Rachel and Coy with the Special participation of Hanz, put their minds together to come up with a story about Radio Active *toot*. They actually sounded serious. Then by 4am, i automatically dropped on my bed and just slept...

Its nice to spend time and the giggles with close friends. i am genuinely blessed.

what is romance?

hey guys i just wanted to share what a thai woman answered when asked what romance is...

romance is so hard to describe. and it depends on the person.
it's not the material possesions, a room full of flowers, dinner
under the moonlight, or even a 5 carat lucida cut diamond ring.

romance to me is telling my new boyfriend
that i think i'm pregnant and it's not his...
and he still stands by me and rocks me
to sleep in the midst of tears.

when telling him that we don't have "our" song yet.
and he later takes me to the park and
ask me to dance. no music. just the silence
of the night. and he holds me tight and tells me that this is 'our' song.

when explaining to him why i love a
particular painting. and the whole
time he just stares at me in such a
way that it makes me feel as if he's
touching me. sumthing almost like.
his eyes touching me. and at the end he just says, you're amazing. i love you.

the little things that matter. of all the places
we've been to together. he always picked
up a stone. kept it and used a marker to write the
place and the date where he got the stone from.
and he presents me with a little pouch. full of
stones from all the places we've been to. to
outsiders they are just stones. to me. they are moments.

to me. that is romance.

by teazor

THE IRREVERSIBLE CRUSH OF LOVE


its funny how love sometimes work. i on one hand have had good experiences. yet i learn the other side of it from my friends. those that i have seen shattered and whose hearts are crushed by this so called love.

i have two friends who have felt this irreversible crush of love. friends that are close to my heart.

one was a woman with such a beautiful heart but so often hurt that she put up a very hard outer personality. then she met this guy. he was wonderful at first. so let her guard down and feel so deeply inlove. then they made a long distance relationship work. then they got engaged. she practically compromised some dreams to be able to live a life with guy. she was willing to give up her career to live in Alaska. a year before they were to march down the aisle the guy dropped her like a hot potato. by this time she had built all her future with him in mind. without him in her life she was paralyzed. it was too late pick up on her career. now she's bouncing back. she survived but it too painful days and nights of questions and crying.

there is this other friend. he is a muscian. writes and sings the poetry of his heart. he went into the band scene for his woman. built the band for her. sang as an extension of their love. after five years of building their relationship as a band and as lovers, she ended it. now he knows not where to go, if it is right to pursue the band. i watched him play last night and it gripped my heart to see him distant and affected by each song they sung, especially the ones they wrote "together." i saw his muscle twitch evrytime there was a line that would remind him of their past. five years together, all he knew was a future they could have shared. now that its gone its hard for him to look beyond today. he says he lives in the moment, dragging each day and what it brings.

these two friends both built their world around someone and when their respective significant others left them it was as if they hit a wall. for my woman friend she had very good family to support her through the ordeal. she's doing better. but for my guy friend, he continues to live daily. he cannot see what future there is wthout his girl. i do not know how his support system is and that makes me worried. although I know he has me and my souls sisters. i pray hard he gets through everything.

its hard to have seen dear friends hit a wall bad and cannot even get up because of the gravity of the collison. that they cannot see beyond the tears and the pain. if there was something I could do to ease the weeping of their spirits I would do it. yet I also also know that things happen for a reason, and that this is something they have to learn from. I love my friends dearly and it makes me sad when I see beautiful hearts being slashed. I am afraid that the shells they will will build around be too hard for them to experience a love greater than what they have experienced. all i can do now is give them my shoulder to cry on and open my arms to give them a hug.

MUSIC FROM THE SOUL


Now I know how it is to sing from the soul. Truly every note counts. And the melody that comes out even if it was meant to be fast ang happy, when the spirit is distressed or depressed it emanates.

To you my soul brother, the Great Spirit has a reason for bringing you to us. If it it for me to be a shoulder to lean on. I accept it with delight and eagerness.. If it is for me to learn from you then it is an honor. I know that you will surpass this dark night wherein the queries abound. Stand steadast young soldier. There is more to this life.

I keep that promise that you will always ahve a place in my life. Despite the circumstances I am drawn to your soul. Your cosmic waves reach me. I will look forward to the time you shall rise and reach your maximum potential. Thank you for sharing the spirit of what it is to be an eager angel. I will keep my promise. My heart goes out to you our soul brother. You will always be our soul brother. No matter what people may say we will be here for you. That is a promise I will keep.

There will always be something of our parents that exists in us. I am more of daddy’s little girl. Free-spirited. Easily excited. An explorer. Finds treasure in simple things. Awed by the splendor of nature. He finds happiness and a certain fulfillment in little things and simple displays of sincere friendships. I never really understood how he survived the strict structure of a military career. Now I do, its that challenge of achieving a dream you’ve held on to since childhood. I have that much of my father’s character in me.

Yet I am also like my mother. An attention seeker yet is driven to achieve. Never wanting to be alone, she puts pressure on herself to be the best. Friendship to her is quality over quantity. She is a fighter. A woman with the softest heart needing the hardest of shells.

They may not have been perfect. But raising three children is no joke. I wish I could have given them more appreciative words instead of witty rebellious statements. As I continue on my own journey, I will always have courage in me. In the same way my parent’s fought the years and gained wisdom. I too shall survive to tell my own children.

people have a way of hiding their truest emotions. like we put on a performance for people everyday. we have mastered the art of putting on make-up making ourselves presentable and going through our daily duties with skill. smiling and running around. but what we do not know is what happens to these people when they are in their own rooms. far from the audience's scrutinizing stares. it is then that the facade is removed, and we are stripped down to our barest soul.

there can be two reactions once the soul is exposed. that of belief and that of it being a lie. if we choose belief then we can actually connect and embrace the waves of emotions. or we can pretend its a lie, since that character has been tediously kept a secret. shoved into the closet each day before stepping out into - what we call- the real world. slowly that persona dies, and as we put it they become skeletons in our closet. memories, personalities or characters that once was a part of us, yet knowing people will and may react negatively we hide them. until the time we have to clean it out.

i have my own skeletons that i kept out of site. being emotional. the insecurity that i might never be sucessful. the fear that i end up being alone. of not meeting the standards my parents have set. of not making my father proud of me. of being a daughter instead of a son. i let these control me. either giving too much to cover up or giving too little so as not be expected much of.

now i open that closet door. like a pandora's box everything is released. to be able to face each one and set the record straight. it time to be able to move on. to realize that i have grown weary by the daily performance i put up with for 25 years. no more I say. this is me. i have survived things that other people may not understand. it has been a battle for my sanity. now it will be a fight to live the life given to me. to be able to truly say I have made the most of my life.

we will never know when it is time. what matters is the memories you leave behind. to bring a smile to a friends face when they look back at your life. to make the memory of each time spent immortal, kept safe in each heart's journal and scrapbook. each entry priceless...so now I live each moment to the fullest...my audience may say i am emotional yet that is no longer what i live for. indeed i am drama. i have heard my soul music and i will now dance to it with gusto...

twas as if my heart was gripped. i couldn't really understand if it was the years apart or the reality that she was right infront of me. after 13 long years, i was crying on the way to see her. a friend I have have know almost all my life. i was able to hug her again. to show her how much she is a part of my life despite the distance. the 3 hours i spent with her while waiting for the airport doors to open was not enough. there was too many stories to cover. too many developments and the fact that we were no longer children just waiting for our parents to tell us what to do next. we were now adults making our way in the world. living up to our own decisions and learning the lessons of our failures. she is married now. and the wedding I missed. i guess I really am too emotional. but hey I am passionate about life and everything it offers.

i shall look forward to sunday and monday where I can truly spend time with her. for it now i long to experience...

having walked one morning with a friend...and wished the day would never end...

_____________________________________________________________________________________
finally...now i have something to look forward to. indeed there is a Great Spirit who knows the desires of His childs heart. who knows when the little girl from within cries out for direction and guidance. just one phonecall and my whole life takes on a different path. i am much challenge by this offer...not to mention excited. i know i can do this. with much passion and the skill...or at least give it all i've got. i am praying hard...New York here i come.

the CD i have waited for so longed has arrived. to you Vienna Teng, you music is truly healing. in an unexplainable way I have been lullabyed by it. thank you.

After what has happened this week, especially the weekend, I am now a stronger believer in what we call destiny and how the whole universe seems to move in choreography to it.

Sometimes it takes other people to make you appreciate life more. Despite frustrations, aspects of it, the mere gratitude with the sincerity coming from the heart can make any sadness go away. We may feel we are in a rut yet the moments friends share to make the most of any day makes life much bearable. The spontaneous laughter and the shared tears. They fuse together to form an unforgettable moment. A fragment in time that you play over and over when you seek to feel warmth of friends close.

To my soul sisters and I, it was a magical week. Happiness. Love. Friendship. Farewells. Decisions. Loneliness. Longing. Spontaneity. Laughter. Tears. Coming together to make life more real. More alive. Outbursts of our free-spirited soul.

We may have bid adieu to a friend and yet we gained one in the same breath. We went through our usual routine but found ourselves with different people. The ironies of life. The subtle conspiracy at play. These are the moments that leave you astounded. Puzzled yet thankful. Independent yet believing in a higher being.

As a new week rises to the horizon we will always look back at the weekend with awe. For me it has given me inspiration and hope that it will turn out ok and that I am not in this alone. I will forever have my family, friends and the Great Spirit that has never failed to show me how He truly knows the desires of my heart.

To Jansi…be steadfast and listen to the whispering of your heart. If the inspiration is great, take the leap. Always believe.

To Rachel…may you find your North Star. Despite the darkened heavens, there will always be that one bright star to follow.

To Coy…our soul brother…welcome to the journey, we look forward to having you with us. Indeed when a door closes, there will always be a window that opens. Take the path to knowing who you are once again. Continue to inspire people with the constant humming of the poetry in your heart.