Finding One's True North

I can choose either to be a victim of the world
or an Adventurer in search of treasure.
It’s all a question of how I view my life.
-Maria, Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho

I have always considered myself a dreamer. That is who I am. I find the determination in knowing I can dream and make them my reality. But right now I need to find my True North otherwise I'll end up catching anything that what I consider treasures may loose their value.

Picking Up the Pieces

Depression is still knocking on my door.
Everyday it becomes even more persistent in selling itself to me.
Presenting one sound argument after another.
It seems that all options lead to dead ends.
Possibilities loose their power and your self-esteem is under siege.
How then can one pick herself up?

True Freedom

I don’t know where you are and how you are, but you have been in my mind the past few days. Despite my wanting to let go and move on, part of me knows I cannot.

Can it happen that one loves wholeheartedly but is not loved by that person back?

I may not in my lifetime be able to tell you “I love you” point blank. But I know I have taken the opportunities to say it in action or by hiding them between other expressions. I have shown courage that much. And despite what they say that men cannot grasp beyond plain words, I know that you have an inclination of what my heart has to say. However I believe that love should be free. And that the true experience of freedom is having the most important thing in the world without owning it. That then is what I shall embrace. It doesn’t mean it is easy but it is the truth.

You have been a muse and a companion. To what the future holds for you, me or “us” it will unfold in its time. But I will always have faith in love and I know that it moves in ways that is beyond the intellectual grasp of any individual. Like a stream we cannot dictate how long it’s waters will flow. But like that woman who possessed “a light” in her- I also say to you and the messengers of love before you “ Come and bless me with your hope, and stay as long as you can.”

Fading Magic

There’s a picture of boy in my shelf that reminds me not to give up on my passions. He is a portrait of what enthusiasm can do to ones soul. And I need to be reminded of that fact. Cause lately life has been draining out of me and the magic of beliving is fading.

Reliving Moments

From time to time thoughts of you manage to still creep into my day. It's like a slideshow of photos I have taken with my mind of those random moments I felt were worth keeping. Like those timeless melodies, they’re a part of my life that I can take out whenever and wherever I feel the need to hum, relive and reassure myself that the choices I made in my life brought me to experience the beauty of people like you. Then the journey becomes worth every second.

Facing and Bracing Reality

I'll be gone for a while. I need to take a trip and face the current situation. It would be nice to say that I will do so with no fear but it will be lying. I don't like myself for having gone this far and letting me sink this deep. I am starting to burden people around me and if I dont start picking up now I may not be able to look at these people in the eye.

Pray with me that I will get through this...the right way.

a mere title

They call us trainers. It's a mere title. But I find the title too aggressive. I want to be considered a facilitator and coach. Not wanting to be a know it all but just trying to guide people to a different way of looking at things. That way it becomes a two-way process with the people that I deal with.

I believe that those that take part in the modules I handle will in part teach me a thing or two. And I am eager to join them in their learning, discoveries and realizations.

POWER OF MUSIC

I was tagged by Jill. So here goes...

Total volume of music files on my computer:
I really havent checked

The last CD I bought:

Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams"

Song playing right now:
Vienna Teng's Harbor

Songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
I'm changing the format a bit.
I'm posting my favorite artists,
the songs I like from their albums and
the words in these songs that mean alot to me.

Better Together by Jack Johnson
"Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together"

Strength, Courage & Wisdom by India Arie
"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen"

Ready for Love by India Arie
"If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart"

Healing by India Arie
"I release all these disappointment
From my mental physical spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why today I take life as it comes"

Eager Angels by Session Road
"Like eager angels falling from heaven
I'd give it all up to share the pain with you"

Suntok sa Buwan by Session Road
"Itanong mo sa akin,
tatanungin ko rin
kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin."

The Tower by Vienna Teng
"she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow"

Lullabye for a Stormy Night by Vienna Teng
"for you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight"

Harbor by Vienna Teng
"fear is the brightest of signs
the shape of the boundary you leave behind
so sing all your questions to sleep
the answers are out there in the drowning deep"

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
Does it really have to be five??
Goddess Morwen
Nawruz
Persh
Keng Keng
Edhel Espyn

Where is the Manual?

I want to take charge of my life…again. However I do not know where or even when to start. Somehow in the last few months I have seemed to either loose touch of certain aspects of myself that I feel like I do not recognize who I really am anymore. What makes it worse is that I am so good at rationalizing that I can convince the people around me that I am in control of the situations, so compelling that I manage to even assure myself that I am on the right track.

I am growing tired of my trial-and-error approach to handling the situations that come my way. Why can’t life just have a manual? That when things malfunction you can just turn to a certain page and read a step by step procedure on how to troubleshoot the problem. A guaranteed approach to deal with the circumstances that one is experiencing.

But then wouldn’t kill the sponteneity of life and make it boring? I guess the cycle continues…

That Time of the Year

It's that time of the year. When you feel that your whole system short circuits and you are left at your most vulnerable self. You want to get to your core and ask yourself if the year previous to this was any different the year before that. Sometimes it's just as simple as "Am I a better person?" But the answers always seen to be elusive at this time of the year, so maybe next year then? One of those mystifying cycles of life.

Maybe if I was...
Five or six, I would have looked forward to a party.
In highschool, it would have been a great time at the mall with my friends.
In college, I would have gone to a bar with my favorite band playing.

But I no longer am in these phases. So I guess this year I could try spending quality time alone with the celebrant...me.

Half Filled or Half Empty

Could it all boil down to attitude?

I was on that edge of either giving up or just going through it for the sake of the people that I would be turning my back on. Was I on the right track? Or should I just turn back now while I still had a fall back career. Or maybe I was asking the wrong questions.

Friends say that I needed to look into my priorities. Ask myself what is important and to probably stick to what would give me financial security. For a week there, I did let them get into my mind. I was seriously thinking of giving it all up. I thought I was loosing sight of the goal. But was happening is I was too fixed on the prize I was forgeting to enjoy the journey.

Maybe what I need is a change of attitude. That I should accept this as of now, sacrifice a little for what is to come and simply relish the experience in between the present and the dream cause I will never have a chance to relive that.

RANT on Paintball Politics

You know the people who have a heart for a sport when you see them SIMPLY promoting it rather than getting people on their side. Tournaments and events should be about getting people to play together and not getting them to choose who is the better organizer, or who gave the right amount of prize money.

They do not hide in the shadows of other nicknames but rather would speak their mind or confront in privacy the person who they think is at fault. They won't say things behind your back and smile when they're infront of you.

For a sport that still has a long way to go, why should there be camps? Why cant we just work hand in hand together for the growth of the paintball in OUR region? Do we really have say bad things about what others has done hoping to gain the sympathy of others? Isn't that just plain pathetic? Isn't that if you do not have anything good to say then just SHUT UP!?! Those that do business like this are the ones killing the development of the sport, instead of helping it.

Call me an idealist, but I really do want this sport to grow in player numbers and produce tournaments at par with the "big ones" here in the Asia-Pacific region. But if each tournament organizer is trying to out-shine and over power one another all because they have the capability or the money, then forget the goal. Cause after a certain time, tournaments will be too expensive to stage, that no one will be able to play in them anyway. Maybe you should ask yourselves...what are you really trying to do FOR the sport of paintball? Or does it really have to be about personal vendettas and gain??

A wise man from the United Kingdom told me in Malaysia that its not about who gets the bigger piece of the pie but rather how to make the pie bigger and bigger to accomodate everyone wanting a piece.

I would have to agree.

Touchdown Malaysia

I have arrived!! Currently at the Malaysian office and getting ready to go to my favorite mamak stall...STEVEN's CORNER!!!! Time for naan cheese and teh tarik!! Wahooo!!!!

I'll update everyone on the progress of my trip soon!!!

Countdown Malaysia

And so the countdown is on...Just 7 more days and Malaysia here I come!

It seems that anticipation is heightened each time I run a red mark through each day that passes. For each mark means a day closer to getting on that plane and saying hello to a country I call my second home- Malaysia.

What it is with this place, I do not know. It seems to have a lil bit of magic that makes me feel like I the person who I know I am!

A homecoming awaits me and the first on my list of things to do is to go to Steven's Corner, order naan cheese and teh tarik!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Emotional Ties

Are you familiar about the coping mechanism wherein we subject ourselves to "being busy" just so we don't have to think of someone? Especially someone that we maybe attracted to but somehow can’t or won’t have.

So after my trip to the country of If-It-Looked-Good, I realized I had to “be busy,” especially since I met “her.” And mercifully, life seemed to be on my side cause it gave me a lot of opportunities not to think of him (a.k.a PROBLEMS!). I even almost convinced myself I was moving on. Our interaction was limited to scarce text messages, email and Friendster. I read them, then think of “him” and then hit the home button and resume working on the marketing letter due tomorrow. It was going great.

What happens though when you’re not that busy and you a get a message from that one person that brings a blush to your cheeks? Not to mention time to be able to read it…over and over again? For me, the progress line of moving on suddenly stops and plateaus. You start reliving the memories and the butterflies in your stomach start to flutter again. I become that little girl with a grin that wouldn’t go away. Why was I-or rather still am- attracted to this man?

Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak or should I just let the infatuation die a natural death and enjoy the feeling while it lasts? Or should I just book more projects and loose myself (maybe even my heart) in the web of deadlines and meetings?

Wildly Sophisticated

While you can plan, you can't predict.
While you can try with all your might, you can't control.
While you can dream, you can't experience without action.

What you can do is choose..
The most important choice you have to make is your attitude.

-Wildly Sophisticated Woman

Loosing the Childhood Innocence

I was starting to loose the child in me. Journal writing became scarce, because I was neglecting to celebrate life on a daily basis. The fun was being replaced by the worries of the world and we all know how these can eat us up. The habitual existence, forced to do something for the sake of survival. The balance they say from being a dreamer and the reality of life. But how does one know what the right balance is? Can one really weigh one’s dreams against a scale?

The point when I wanted to give up on life, was that moment that I thought I had to give up all of my dreams that I felt my heart being gripped both figuratively and literally. For when dreams are taken out of one’s spirit then it is when the soul starts to wither. No longer does it hope for a future. The drum beat stops and we are left with no rhythm to follow. How then can one's spirit dance without its melody? Maybe the question should be why do permit that childhood innocence to be defeated by the complications that we bring into our lives? Only ourselves can permit the reactions to the situations that are thrown our way. We should not blame the circumstances for the state of our lives. We have to take control of our existence and not leave it in the mercy of the state of the world.

But why then do we replace friends with worrying. Rest with cramming. And somehow the magic of believing in the good dissipates and we are left with hopelessness.

What then should someone do to rise up from this quagmire? Can one bounce back from such a fall?

The LOWdown on Life

Indeed the universe does conspire to those who dream…initially at least.

Her life has taken, for lack of a better cliché, a dramatic turn back to what she felt was square one. Maybe it was the just the year, they said that the Year of the Rooster was not very lucky for Gemini’s. She was almost beginning to believe in the accurateness of astrology. If only they had answers to the multitude of questions that seem to crash into her in tsunami-like fashion.

"Why is all of this happening to me?" This is probably the I’m-getting-desperate-for-answers kind of question anyone can ask. But can one really find an answer to that question?

Last year, 2004, seemed to be her year. She had a job that took her places, met some very interesting characters to add to her list of people she called “the crayons of life’s coloring book.” Plus the trip to Malaysia, Singapore and Vietnam that she considered a grand finale for the year. All of this makes you say, ahhh….this IS the life. But then January came and everything just started to, well…suck!

From a near death encounter with fire (not her element at all), to moving out because of a brother that just pushed her to her limits, to parent’s that gave up trying to understand the lifestyle their daughter has been struggling to embrace. She now lives in a humble room, with really noisy termites and a couple next door that seem to perceive her as another girl trying to live a wild existence. Juggling a part-time call center job with a company that has lost it act and her “event projects” that do generate income-except add to the stress- but are however too interesting to give up for a full time office job, isn’t really much help to the situation. There’s also her almost non-existent savings account in the bank and the threat of no financial resources for April looming in the oh-too-near-future. Let us not forget to mention the debts she has to pay, that when put together can force one to tie a knot around their neck…now to just find a beam that can carry her weight. She has not had a decent sleep for a month now and the nausea she has developed for Jollibee food since that’s all she can afford to eat. One can’t help but be a little (NOT!) sarcastic and say…now, this IS life!

This woman now lives on a daily basis. Talk of the future is starting to sound ridiculous. She keeps the call center task to be able to make her rent money, eat yet-another-Jollibee-meal, provide her with access to the Internet and serve as a diversion for pathetic thoughts. Too survive at the very least. Because despite it all, there is still apart of her that continues to believe…that the universe is conspiring to her dream…they are just testing on how much she is willing to go out of comfort zones to reach them. Maybe that small seed can be enough to make miracles happen…

How Is Your Story Written?

If you were a writer, would there be unexpected twists in your tales? Would your story be in defiance to what the movies and literature feed us? How is your story written?

The chapter on love.

While some people write of the one that got away, or of the you-and-me-against-the world legend. Could it be that to some it will be just a one-way street? That they are destined to accomplish a certain task by being with a person and then they have to move on to another one?

Take my life for instance.

Friends say that I have mastered the art of falling and gracefully letting go of the men in my life. I guess they can say that because they are only spectators. Were they there when my eyes were swollen due to the over-nighter crying marathon? Or the time I was teetering on that thin line called madness because I was trying to find a plausible reason of the pain that I was feeling? I guess not.

If I sum up all those experiences, the raison d'être of my needing to let go was either because the feeling wasn’t mutual or because “my man” had to leave me for a valid reason. And all I was left to do was acknowledge that truth or accept the fact that life will pass me by if I continue to wait for the answers to the dead end question of WHY. So I am left with no option but to move on, thus the start of what seems as grace in letting go, was all just the strength in wanting to survive or the fact that it would it be pathetic to hold on. Then it all goes back to the beginning of a cycle that never really ends.

That is my story. How is yours?