maybe...is this another game?

i like how it felt
but then
i am more mind than heart now
plus the doubts of rebound

so am i playing another game?
i think im too tired for that now

what then?
do u have the answers?
and will you reveal?

long goodbye

india arie sings...

u dont't have to stay forever
i take passion over pride
full moon, high tide
let's make it a long goodbye

tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces
try to mend our broken lives
soft kiss, sweet lies
let's make it a long goodbye


we need to always...
live passionately
love fully, unconditionally

cause we'll know when its time
to get up and walk away

it has for me

confessional boxes

we are each other's confessional boxes
where secrets freely roam
release, set free
and baggage no more

then we can return
to our lives lived deep
till the marrow of it we hit

what once was teasing
is now a friendship
unconventional yet refreshing
a mirror image of personalities
keeping connected, in touch

good night boxie
till our next confession

am i willing to take a pay cut?

i bruise easily, so the song goes.
this one is true for me in many ways,
especially today.

i thought what they wanted to think over was the allowances.
so when I got the call,
i was expecting either yes or no regarding that.
but when they told me about the basic they were offering,
i felt a kick to the throat.
it was even lower than what my previous job was giving me.

i liked the company, and i wanted to join them.
but does that mean I'll take that much of a pay cut?
i wasn't asking for too much,
but what they wanted was way below industry standards.
like low, low, low, low!

this is why you need to have a plan B.
so that if plan A doesn't push through,
there's a net to catch you.
i don't have a plan B, not yet that is.

dear Lord, please let them reconsider.

di malilimutan

went venue hunting at UP Diliman today for a possible event client.

being in the campus can put u in a nostalgic mode. reminiscing tambayans and people. and seeing certain "spots" where memories where first casted.

yes UP di ka malilimutan.

what now?

when my room's a mess

it's usually a reflection

of how my mind is at the moment.

the feeling of wanting things to work

and fear of finally declaring that it won't

puts hand to my throat and i feel like throwing up.

its not about too many things

rather finding which things i want to keep

then it's believing that things will flow well

this is faith. and this i pray.

of names and symbols

was trying to do some research on name meanings and the etymology of names when I stumbled upon the website of hidden name meanings.

it said my name say this...

You have enormous vitality and originality making you a dynamic individual with great charm and sex appeal. You believe in putting hundred percent into all your activities of which there are many. You have potential to achieve great success in business or public affairs where your friendship and consideration of others wins you many allies. Your innate strength and determined effort is able to overcome any obstacles. Freedom is important to you.

i would agree about being dynamic (more of so many things happening at once), and in putting 100% in my many activities.

funny is that whether it be about me being a Gemini, or the meaning of my individual names (i have 2), even my native american totem being the Orca and now the hidden meaning in my name. They all say 2 things in common about me, that I want & like variety and that I value freedom. I'd have to agree as well.

In short, my sistah gege was right in tagging me as always inlove with life. i am madly in love with it.

choices

you always have a choice
(or at the very least influence)
to what happens in your life.

at the end of the day
what matters is you feel good
about who you have become
from the choices you make.

and if you dont,
believe that you can still make another choice,
to make you become better...then much better...
and even better...
day after day.

things have been changing...rather changed!

old trees are being uprooted
and new ones may be planted soon
so many changes in my backyard
i am afraid i may not recognize it
when I go home

it's his last day in the company today
after today, there will other events
that will change what i called home.

part of me accepts, and part is sad
sad because changes bring a phase of unknown.
you are part of the picture when i speak of "home"
and by tomorrow
i have to get used to some people not being where they usually are
that by the time I do get there some guys may be on a different raft.

i hold on to the assurance that despite the movement
that it's not about the company, but rather the relationship
that the friendship is what's important.

we may move on to other places, jobs or get married
but that does not change that we are friends.

n said that we will not know
what will happen tomorrow or a week from now
what's been happening the past couple of weeks
is giving the statement its truth.

jangan kamu lupa! we will keep in touch!

dear God,

i have this growing feeling in me
that i want to explore beyond my box
that i want to be able to see if i can exist
apart from what i deem comfortable

to pack my bags and open a new door
to another world that i do not know yet

i ask that you create doors for me
and remind me they can come in many shapes

i'd like to be able to go to a new place
for at least a year
this is my hearts wish

Zahir

AKU BUKAN UNTUK MU
I'm Not Meant For You
by Rossa

You used to love me
You used to want me
Although you never had my answer
Didn't mean that you should leave me

Now you're going astray
Now you're leaving me
Just when I started to rely on you
And I plead you to forgive me

I regret that I've made you cry
And let you choose someone else
But don't ever deny your destiny
Because it must be the best for you

Don't ever remember me anymore
I'm not meant for you
Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

Now you're going astray
Now you're leaving me
Just when I started to rely on you
And I plead you to forgive me


I regret that I've made you cry
And let you choose someone else
But don't ever deny your destiny
Because it must be the best for you

Don't ever remember me anymore
I'm not meant for you
Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

but it's mine

there is something that you want
you choose the path
and yet it seems the roads are long
the wait lead to questions
more and more questions lead you to doubt

and yet you tell yourself...
but this is MY dream

its based on how i see myself
and what i would want
it reflects my emotions
it has been shaped by my journeys
validated by the people i have met
shouldn't it be what i follow...
my own map to my own future...

can ones dream or personal legend be wrong?
if so how can we trust what is right?

cycle of acceptance

to hope,
to want,
and gracefully accept the opposite.
this i know.

this is how it has been,
but hopefully how it will not always be.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

jammed up and overanalyzing

my head at this point
is like an intersection with a busted traffic light
every thought trying to get to their destination
only to be cut off by another rushing through
colliding into the incoming
each one trying to honk their horn
and flash their lights
its been like this for days
nothing comes through in one piece
utter chaos

my initial reaction - analyze and fix
nothing, so i analyze some more
till there is no more
and i am all thinked out
frustrated
stressed
i tired!

i dont know how the light got busted
and i definitely am clueless at how to fix it

what a way to start my year
i need to turn this around
*sounds the whistle*

thought gushes

i havent been writing lately. though I may not be as great some of the people I blog-stalk or those that get published, for me writing is release. it s being able to blurt things out, sugar coat or make it a tad bit interesting with metaphors.

right now on the far south of the philippine map with pockets that have one big hole and hijacking my brother's room and his 24/7 connected pc. if only i can hostage this piece of beauty back to manila, then i can blog more regularly. sounds like a plan..ehehehe.

so here i am, letting the gush take me to find back my words.


**********

christmas day. today i was a boat ride away from where he was. from the top of that hill i glanced to the right hoping i could confirm it was kudat i could see from that point. pathetically thinking if he could be capable of brewing cheesy moments like this.

in the how many times i thought i was 101% sure that i could just walk away and let time take its course, i ended up eating those words. i could also end up eating this as well, but you are different and that makes it harder to just let it go. walking to bed in malate, i told Tag, that it would have been so much easier if you were just a pretty face and a chauvinistic prick. i want you to be that guy who called me stupid. i want to be able to find something wrong in order to let go. that's me. forever romantic. its gets difficult to handle but i've been getting used to it i guess.

Wandering Wonderer

i may be confused at the moment
i may have lost my so-called map
walking with no sense of direction
but never without a purpose,
not at anytime without hope.

my aim is to persevere
my decision to never give up
i refuse to stop and succumb.

i am the wandering wonderer
i know not what the day can bring
but i know my spirit is free!!

When you do things for the money, there is no love.
Without love there is no passion.
It’s just empty.
-Beautiful People TV Series

The career is right but I feel that I am in the wrong industry.

The clothes fit, but without second thought I would trade in my heels for slippers. I love the fulfillment of teaching people new skills but sometimes I find myself not agreeing on how they use it. I love having a nice workstation, but I can be happier working on a makeshift log over looking the ocean.

If there is anything I can do that is not related to my job I am willing to do, for the reason that it can take my mind off of what I need to do.

I am a firm believer that we always have a choice. Why then am I feeling stuck?

It's Not Just Paintball...It's a Way of Life!

oh paintball...
the stories
the friendships
the mamaks
the men
the travels
i miss you!

i was going through the forums and I read a post from a paintball friend called Vegas. and it got me thinking...

and blogging....

there things in your life that you never turn your back on. one of that for me is paintball. i was never really part of any team in particular, but the doors- and windows too- that it opened up made me see life in a different way.

alot of things have changed since I embraced the sport in 2003. players have moved on to different paths, teams have re-grouped, changed names and fought for sponsorship. for past four years, the introduction of more tournaments, whether local and international have given the sport a spotlight in Malaysia and in neighboring Asian countires. from a mere weekend gathering to most friends it now has rulebooks and certified refs. all these have definitely given paintball a different face.

whether these developments are a push or pull for the sport, will always get varying opinions. but I step away and remember it as a sport that gave me a chance to know what career I want to be in, travel to and embrace my second home country and most especially it brought into my life people that taught me about life, love and othe mysteries.

they say that the best way to know a person is through a game or a sport. i would have to agree.

Situations...

I can once again write my thoughts down in my own sanctuary, at my own time with the comforting hum of my choice. I have missed this potential.

It could be a season, a few months or even days for us to realize what it is that we need to learn before our lives can start flowing again. They call this phase the rut or as a song goes, being stuck in a moment. I haven't fully grasped what it is that I need to learn at this time, but I am definitely stumped at this rotunda where stand in the middle confused. Weeks ago it seemed the direction was clear and that by this time I would have made a letter that would be my ticket to a new life, a fresh page. But here I am , still in the same room, writing my emotions out.

Oh grant me the patience to wait and the wisdom to make the right decisions as the situation calls for it.