I was always near him. I looked up to him, the way he treated people, the professionalism he showed at his job, the friendships that he nurtured and more importantly how he reared me. He was always there for me. He took on the responsibility of my mother. He was there in school programs, he took me out to movies, to parades and to the beach. We shared the same personality. Very much outgoing, a people-person and we just love to travel. He was my swimming coach. He was my best friend. We went out on dates wherein we would just talk about life and what I would and could be. I miss those times.
Then my mother came back from Mindanao. I was distant from my mother. I barely knew her. She was gone for such a long time. But I do not blame her. But I also did not know what to do. To complicate things she was jealous of the relationship I developed with the man she also loved.
I am a Daddy's Girl. I am not ashamed of that. It was always nice to have him around. He was fun. I was like him. But its not what it is now. I started growing up. He thought I was rebelling. I wasn't around much for him. I had a bunch of friends from school now and those were the people I hung out with. I guessed he missed being with me too. He missed his baby girl. But I had to do what I was doing. I had to be independent. I wanted tobe as strong-willed as he was. God if I can only bring back time.
Everything is different now. We don't go to the beach anymore. We don't go swimming. we don't go to movies or talk about life or just go target shooting at the Camp Crame range. We lead very separete lives. In the mornings I would purposely wake up late just in time to watch them leave for work. Staring from the window wanting to at least have said goodbye. We try not to cross each other's path when we're at home. Conversations with him are short and direct if not we end up debating. In short we avoid each other. Both souls are so non confrontational that we don't get to tell each other what we really feel. What we don't know is that we're hurting each other in the process. Our solution was, get off each one's back and we will live harmoniously. We pretended there was nothing wrong. Obviously there was. All those years growing up, all the mistakes I have made, it built stone after stone of anger inside him. And now this has been the way to go that its been a habit. Its hard to break. I feel that the mere site of me will get him so angry he might suffer another stroke. I can't live without him. I need him. I miss him greatly.
If I could just bring myself to start the healing and forgiving process but I can't. I would have wanted it to remain the way it was. I want to be able to tell him how scared I am of what is happening in my life. To reveal how I am scared of being hurt by the men in my life. Wanting his wisdom on career and love. The relationship I wanted was that of independence but in times that I feel so lost or torn by all the evil in the world I could crawl on to his lap, tell him about it and just cry.
I If there was one prayer I would so like answered, it would be that I can again convey to him how much I value him in my life. Next to God, he is my fortress and cornerstone. I love you Papa, forever. I am still your baby girl, I just grew up.
