its off to puerto galera for us by tomorrow 6:00am!
i am looking forward to going back to my beach therapy.
to leave worries behind and seek serene sorroundings.
there is a need for me to focus on certain things and relax.

i am excited.

Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to everyone!!!

Thank you for sharing a part of yourselves with me... a toast to the coming year... for more opportunities to grab and alot more memories to look back to!

...my stupid mouth got me in trouble…

it might just be my paranoia, but right now I just wish to turn back the hands of time. I should have just kept quiet and watched the movie. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth and tried to crack a smart comment. It’s me and my natural craving to attention I guess. Next I should try to remain silent. Enjoy the moment.

Again I could be simply over reacting. How I wish I really just am. If I did say something uncalled for, I am sorry. Offending you will never be on my to do list. You, of all people would know deeply in your heart who you truly are sans others unsolicited remarks.

---tries to review past 30minutes in mind---

my bad! can i Rewind life? NOT! Sorry again!
_______________________________

APPRECIATING MIRACLES

In some weird way I feel that there have been a lot of changes in my life. Not everything might be for the better, but the optimist in me says it is a step toward the big word- MATURITY.

Since I moved out of my parent’s house. There seems to have been something altered in my logical functions. I am currently a practical-analyzer. A very big way of saying--I think things through. Sometimes even to a level that I myself say is too much. But I find myself constantly trying to balance my act by weird outbursts of spontaneity. I would still try to have a lot of fun. Carpe diem as they say.

Living with two best friends helps a whole heap. They have brought out a lot in me. We are not perfect and yet we co-exist. We manage to understand how the same situations in life can have different reactions from different personalities of diverse family backgrounds. We may want to bite each other’s head of at times, knowing each ones default personality system makes it easier to take. We manage to live in harmony.

‘Tis now I look back and there is but one recurring miracle in my life, FRIENDSHIP.

I am blessed with people that may have walked in and out of my life but has managed to leave their mark and make me who I am today. To me they are crayons that made my life a very vibrant and dynamic one. Others have remained close while some though far away has been within me everyday in spirit. There are those that are “unexpected friends.” People that seem to be there at the right place and a very difficult time. They were like a soothing balm for my wounded heart, chicken soup for my soul and shoulder to cry on. What more can I ask for?


Others think that I trust too much or that I am an optimist. But what I stand on is my own little picket fence for what a friend is to me. There is no high wall for these people, no fool-proof test for their commitment. I have accepted that one thing constant in life- RISKS! I do not hate those that I once called my friends and yet they turn away and leave me in a confused state. I doubt too. I have questioned the essence of friendship so many times. But the only thing logical for me is that things happen for a reason. They were made to cross my path to teach me a lesson no textbook can. That to me is what life is. A constant learning through experience made deeper by time. It will eventually turn out good. Why? I don’t know, it’s a mystery.

In another online journal, a woman described herself as...I am drama. I concur.

My Abba, you are the source for all of these. I may have often caused you frustrations and yet you have always helped me understand why life is how it is. You have been a guide and my anchor when it gets very stormy. Thank you for my friends. Bless them lavishly. May they feel the heartfelt appreciation, though sometimes not vocalized, but is very much felt. May they sense how much I love them

why do people have to think bad of other people?
why do they need to find something worng about the way you do work?
jealousy in the workplace perhaps?
insecurity?
why we can't we just do our jobs well and not pry in other people's lives?


i'm insecure but I don't vent it out on other people...geeez...some people....

Last night was a fun wild night. All five of us were together after a long time. Watering Hole was the venue as usual, X Power in the background. Booze..ciggies...and dancing! Its good to unwind with friends that you enjoy, trust and love.

Archie came...got me almost drunk...but not quite! ha! But he did manage to get my friend really whoozy. I like going out with these people because its not merely a night out for nothing. There is always a mission. It may be to boost one's self-esteem or to simply unwind and let go. I could also be to help one cope with a recent pain. Whatever it coud be...the only one thing is TO HAVE FUN! And I can proudly say my sisses know what FUN is all about. Other people may look at it funny or find it weird what matters is how you feel inside after that night. We're not perfect but we know how to live life to its fullest. Saying that I made this day the most of what it can be.

CARPE DIEM!

I am in a frenzy. Each passing hour is a step closer to me calling him. He’s here for vacation, and the last time I talked to him we were talking about serious stuff. About quitting our jobs and going for our dreams. He’s a person that I can really talk for hours about opinions and realizations. Now he’s back.

When he left to return back to his home in America, I released him. I wanted to get to know him more but I couldn’t ask him to stay. I’m not even sure if was the least bit interested in what I had to say or do. But we did keep in touch. He would email and we talk using MSN messenger.

Now I don’t know what to feel that he’s back. Well I’ll take it a day at a time! Enjoying each moment....

One fine day! It was a very long day for me. I came home from my conference call at about 3am and slept by 3:30. I woke up by 9am to prepare for the Christening of my friends baby. Everything went well.

I went into a catholic church again (no, I not catholic). There is something about churches that fascinates me. Serenity and peacefulness are two of them. In a weird twist of fate there was a wedding there that day. My friend Cristina was with me, the white flowers just immediately triggered the thought of how my wedding will be. And I told her of the dream wedding I have kept only in my secret journals.

I shopped from 3 – 7pm. I am so exhausted. At least I have gotten my friends their Christmas presents. An accomplishment.

I went out to watch a movie with Alystaire by 9pm called Blue Crush. It’s a surfing movie. It was awesome not to mention a catalyst to once again review my life and contemplate.

SURFING LIFE'S LESSONS

Having watched the movie “BLUE CRUSH,” featuring Kate Bosworth as Anne Marie , Michelle Rodriguez as Eden (there’s something in her that I really admire), Sanoe Lake as Lena and Matthew Davis as Matt Tollman (the guy from Legally Blonde that I love!), this is the result of my thought process.

Indeed life is like surfing. It may look simple and fun, but its NEVER easy. You gotta endure a lot of things. Go through rigorous training and in the end the mere fact that you got through “the pipe” (a wave that closes in on you like a pipe or barrel) makes it a sweet victory.

The past days my mind has been asking my heart, “What do you want to do?” I know that if I want to accomplish something it will be easy if I put my whole heart and mind into it. The problem is I do not what I want to do. Talk about a dilemna.

I do not understand why I am questioning my dreams and plans in life. Its like, there is no focus in what I want to do anymore. I do not wish to undergo the rigorous training. Have I given up? I just want to sit on my board and let time pass me by, from sunrise till sunset. I want to think and eventually exhaust myself in doing so, now what? I always thought that I wanted to be able to teach and make children appreciate theater arts. But now I don’t see myself there anymore. Thinking that if I find a man everything will be okay. I think have set myself up for a “wipe out” (that’s when you never get through the wave, and you crash and get eaten up by the waves). This not the solution.

There is that particular line in the movie that really hit me hard. It was between Anne Marie and Matt. Here’s my vague recall of it.

Anne Marie: Tell me what to do?
Matt: What do you want to do?
Anne Marie: I want to be able to pay my bills on the same month… I want to be able to win the Pipe Masters.
Matt: You know what to do.
Anne Marie: NO! Tell me what you want me to do?
Matt: I want you to be the same girl I met on the beach.
Anne Marie: Who was that girl?
Matt: A girl that doesn’t need a man to tell her what to do.

Wham! It just hit straight. Have I actually been waiting for a man to be able to answer that same question?

Now that got me thinking.

No, I don’t. Whatever I want to do I can very well do it. As Alystaire would say, we have the guts and everything else to be able to do whatever it is we want to do, the problem is we don’t know what it is we want to do. Having a man is not the answer. They won’t be able to do it for us anyway, only we can do it ourselves.

I don’t need a man in my life to begin surfing the waves. All I need is my spirit to get out there. And the more you seek, the more you don’t find and you end up getting frustrated. When frustration sets in, your spirit gets weak. You try every possible means of attracting a man. That makes you vulnerable to conforming to what they want, lowering you standards. Even to the point that you say, “Just any man will do!” You compromise, not knowing that, that leaves you attracting the wrong ones…which leads you to one heartache after another. Worse of all-- to bitterness.

If it’s a vision of the future that I need then that’s what I should start pursuing now. NOW is the operative term. In surfing when you don’t get the guts to paddle and try to get on the board, then you never will be able to surf and ride a good wave. Each wave will just come crashing in on you. We gotta start now. Take the risk...Feel the rush...

From Ribbons to High-heeled Shoes

I hate goodbyes. When I heard Binocular’s “Don’t Say Goodbye, Say Goodnight” I loved the song. Another thought bubble I can sing to. And now it has been playing in my mind over and over.

A part of my life is moving away. Did I say a significant part of my life? She’s moving for good to work in the US and little does she know, but it has been tearing me up inside. I grew up with this person. Our parent’s were friends for so long and we were even born in the same year. We were the three little girls that grew up in Sunday School. We have managed to lead different lives but in the depths of our soul we know we are connected. They were the sisters I never had. I was the first to move away. I lived in Cebu for two whole years. We coped well. We wrote each other letters and called it the Rainbow Writer’s Club. Why the name? It’s a child thing. When I came back, it was like I never moved away. Not too much emotional dependence yet.

We went from ribbons to high-heeled shoes. And then it was Anjelsa’s turn to move away. She went with her family to move to the US. It was hard because this was the time that we wanted more sleep-overs and talk about why we started feeling icky with boys. She wrote a lot. Sent mounds of pictures. I felt I was there with her. Meanwhile Alystaire and I had our own share of growing up.

Our friendship is different. We never went to the same school. We had different set of friends. We only saw each other Sundays and special occasions. But we were close. Our families were close too. It wasn’t the same going into womanhood with one so far away. But we managed. There was email. Then there were the phone calls (by now we could afford it). Keeping in touch was sporadic but it always a special event to hear from her. Alystaire was our link. Whenever she would travel to the US she would bring pictures of the Philippines and when she got back there were more pictures of her and Angelsa. Even videos. Then Angelsa got married.

It almost killed me that I wasn’t there for her wedding. You know how as girls we always planned out our weddings and knew who had to be there. I was supposed to be there. I tried so hard to get a passport and Visa. But it wasn’t that easy. I had to content myself with the pictures and video. It was not the same. I missed a very special event that no one can bring back. But we kept in touch. I called the day of the wedding and just cried. And now it’s Alystaire’s turn to move away.

Lately, we have been sharing parts of our life that we thought the other would not be able to understand. We started to open up our little pandora’s box. It strengthened the bond. It’s not everyday that we see each other. But we know that when one is going through a “crisis” the other will be there to listen. It was me she called when she broke up from a long relationship. She was the first person I confessed when I was falling for this guy. It will different without her near. I don’t even know if she knows how much she means to me. But we have to move on. At least they will still have each other. And now they can call me more often! Humor keeps me from getting all mushy. So now to lessen the blow, don’t say goodbye….say goodnight. It makes me go back to that time we were jumping up and down our beds.

To the two of you who I have shared my entire life, I definitely miss you. I look forward to a day we can all be together and talk about what our life has become. Live life to the fullest and may the same God we believe in be our guide and link our hearts. I love you both so dearly! Mizpah is all I say!

Alas, A Night Alone in Seattles Best

Just finished watching “Die Another Day” in Megamall. Being in the area I just couldn’t resist the temptation of returning to “a familiar place.” A place I called home, where I used to be seen so frequently. A not-so-secret-garden wherein I can take the time and look into myself, sans the chaos of the world. Amidst the strangers around, I shut out. With my coffee and luckies I retreat into the depths of my soul. It is now that I can look back at the new puzzle pieces I have collected from this so-called-life I lead. Unusually, the typical crowds I bump into are not here, a sign that I need this “alone time.”

In fact, there is a need for me to restore my “alone time.” It used to be my Sabbath, a pause from a long week, to refresh my mind. Every Sunday evening at this same place, armed with a good book and my raspberry tea I sit and reminisce. Then work took over. My tired body would rather retreat and sleep than go to Ortigas for a cup of tea. Though I get to do that at home, being here is different. This is my “thinking ground,” a spot to analyze and fit the new pieces into my life puzzle.

Yes, I view life as a puzzle. Each event, person and situation is a puzzle piece. I do not know when I will get to see the whole picture, but it is a work in progress. There are some parts that are coming into view and make out a clear portrait but there are more scattered pieces that at this point do not make sense at all. As days unfold I get a section here and there. But it is during my “alone time” that I get to piece them together. Unfortunately I haven’t had that hiatus from work long enough to do so. How I long for Puerto Galera and its rejuvenating powers. This is probably the reason why I feel that my life is so cluttered. A fragment here…chunks there and I don’t understand their value to the whole puzzle. But things happen for a reason as I always say, but lately I have not sat down and taken the time to realize the bigger picture. Where am I now? Am I still on the right course? Did I take a wrong turn? How do I stand up from having tripped over a rock? What do I do next?

Too preoccupied to even pause and reflect. I feel my decisions have been done haphazardly. I am no longer dancing to the beat of my own drum, rather to that of the people I want to make an impression. I seem to have lost me.

Great Spirit, I call for wisdom and peace of mind once again. Sustain the energy to press on toward the goal. Reaffirm my dreams and aspirations. Teach my heart to be steadfast. Take my hand, and lead me back into the world with the assurance that you have a destiny set out for me. Amen.

Finally a Time to Relax

Ahh...the perks of working for the kind of company I work for...we get to have the long Thanksgiving break!!! Even if we do not celebrate the said holiday in the Philippines, it makes sense that we be given the weekend off. Who are we going to call if everyone is out celebrating in the US? I love this job!! Well...not everything about it though...

Finally I am through with my training session. Three days of coming to work early and talking for like 5 hours straight (well not exactly straight I manage to give them breaks and sneak up on some posting and chatting =P) its exhausting!! Tonight Itake the time off and go to "Watering Hole," one of my fave bars not because it offers drinks extraordinaire, but its accessibility and the memories we have of the place. Jansi, Rachel and myself are like "groupies" of this band called the X-Power- managed by a our friend Enchie- so we usually watch almost all of their shows. It's been a way to keep us sane with all the pressure and stress in our lives. So, we just dance the night away- from RnB...to Hip Hop...to Techno or trance! Its a cycle...we watch the band...have a few drinks...go home together (since we have our own apartment now)...then we talk and analyze the events in our lives...we give each other a pat on the back and when we feel the energy drained out of our system (mind you we have an awful lot of this so calle "ENERGY") ....we eventually go to sleep! Ahhh...habitual existence? Not really, cause then we wake up and try our best to exist in our own chosen worlds. Then at night (or day, we have odd jobs) we have our own little gathering and fuse our individual kingdoms into a faerie's haven!!

The perks of living with friends. To Jansi and Rachel, Enchie too, I never really had the time (or probably courage) to tell you how thankful I am of this friendship. My soul sisters! We may have certain days that we value each one's privacy and I am just amazed how we just do it. We give each one the space to sulk, realize and grow. Each day we go through our own lives knowing that if we do make a boo boo...there will be friends that will offer a drink, play the right music, light a candle and say..."Tara incense talks tayo!"

I love you guys!

Unsure of the Emotion


I feel uneasy tonight. Its like there has been a cloud above my head. That I have the tendency to attachment myself to something or someone. Its like when I am given attention over a prolonged period of time, I feel like I would die if I won't be able to see the person or talk to him. I do not even know the real score. I do not even know his real motives. Its like the instinct and power of being a discerning woman has been blinded and now I feel so disoriented. Almost immobilized.

Maybe there is that longing within. It could be that my soft spot has been reached and I am left vulnerable. I have the tendency to mistake this as falling in love and wishing it he could be the one. Hoping I am right this time. That I have found true love. But experience has taught me well. I learned to build a wall to stop my myself from taking the leap, guess I am too slow at times. Little do I know I have taken the plunge, not evening knowing if he would catch me below. Then I dust off the dirt on my clothes and realize there was no one there. I took the fall alone. Darn the feeling of betrayal, not aimed at him or anyone else but at me. I ask my heart why it has not sensed this pain coming? Enough tattoes on my mind!! I don't need them. Never again?? Maybe not...its all up to fate...

This is the last about this feeling for now...I am too tired.

A quote I totally agree with...do you???

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever. -Ally Mcbeal

Another Day

Guess another day has passed. And as someone would usually say "Get some sleep!" Oh well I guess I will.

The Rice Bowl Journals is back! Finally. This community has really been wonderful.. They have shown loyalty and spirit amidst the storm. Congratulations Carlos and the RBJers!

Work has been crazy, another new account and I have training due by Monday. I hope I survive this. This situation will help me cope though. Good thing that there are people that keep being infront of the computer less stressful. I guess you guys know who you are. The laughs have been stress relieving. My brother is in the hospital though. That is not good. He had to be rushed as of last night since his fever ws too high and he had a very bad cough. Please pray for health. I'm really going to be serious about my vitamins. I really don't want to be sick. On the other hand, I can consider it as an opportunity to stay home and rest. I really need it.

Gotta go. See you online *wink* wink* ...

Hanging by the Moment

On my way to my sanctuary called home and yet I hold back and write an entry. My friends have been supportive through what I'm going through. Guess its just a matter of knowing who the true ones are. Well guess most of mine are really part of what we called "sifted" through time. Amazingly even some online aquiantances have been really suportive too. Thanks eveyone you're all wonderful, because of you I am hanging by each moment. Waiting for things to unfold. Keeping a positive attitude!

Happy Birthday RBJ!!! We are all waiting for you return. Its been a great community. A good release for me.

A discovery. Vienna Teng's music is just so beautiful! The rythym is just soothing and the lyrics are so simple yet it speaks from the heart. Truly a remarkable woman. You guys should listen to it. Thank you Vienna!

Guess I will call it a night. My friend is waiting.

Truly I am blessed.

Abundant Confusion

There is a feeling of heaviness around me. It has been like this for the past week. Everything is just going down in a spiral. Even my career is threatened. My friends call it burn out. I want to understand what it really is. I don't the like the feeling it gives me. Could it be a reminder that I should be pursuing my dream? Am I going to be sick soon (that's why I feel as if energy has been drained out of me)? Is it a hormonal thing? Darn it!!! What is it??

Another thing is I am so emotional nowadays. Its like going down the nostalgia route. Everyday I've been remembering something from my childhood, the Cebu era, my Xientia memoirs and UP escapades. I hear songs and I just lapse into space. I have mastered the art of shutting myself out, even amidst a crowd. I have been keeping away of strangers or crowded places. It has been hard to avoid saline-soaked eyes. Its like there is so much pressure that would like to come out. Is this a sign I am loosing my grip? Or is it just a reminder that despite my wanting to be prepared or organized in my life there will always be things that is beyond our bounds. Things we cannot control. Things I would need to let go.

I have only been seeking the comfort of close, time-tested friends I have. Not that I doubt the others its just that I do not want to explain myself anymore. When I'm with them, I know I am not judged and that patience and understanding is within maximum tolerance. So I feel better. I laugh and I dance and I know I am alright. But why is it that when I am at work I go back to being indifferent? I couldn't even finish things in my to do list. Frustration is creeping in.

Great Spirit, my Abba, I pray. Grant me wisdom to discern the source of this instability. Help accept the things that I can do something about and things I need to lift up to you. I once again crawl on to your lap my Father and just rest my weary head, my broken heart and my shattered soul. May rest and healing flow.

Shopping!!!

Pay day today! Wahoo!! My friends and I went to the nearby Eastwood City night market and started spending away. But I had to constantly remind myself on what I really needed. Its so hard that the work environment is sooo near the leisure places. Guess I've turned into a practical shopper now a days. I just buy what I really need. If I do get some extra I would rather take a trip to Puerto Galera.

I bought two shirts for only 50 pesos ($1=51Pesos) each. Not a bad find. I also got the shoes I wanted. It's a pair of black slip-on shoes with indian-inspired embroiderie and I was able to ask the shop owner to give it to me for 320 pesos. I am so proud I got what I wanted. Now I just need to pay for the apartment and buy groceries.

I also recently joined the Rice Bowl Journals Message Boards. Pretty neat online community. I've been addicted to reading what they have to say and write-up a reply. I've checked my profile and it said I post an average of 9.7 posts a day. Guess I am addicted!!! Well to the RBJers thanks for the warm welcome!

I really need to finish that training design tomorrow I hope I have the strength to do it!

Affirmations

Sometimes a woman's mind can really brew up such a swirl of thoughts and possibilities. If they do not find an answer to what is bothering them, then they begin to "seek" for the answer. Armed with intuition and flare to analyze (or should be say overanalyze) she begins to dissect the events that had lead to the situation.

I feel so silly. I confess (so shoot me now!), I judged him to early. I tried to explain without any evidence at all. I let emotions over rule! Argh! I should boiking my self in the head. BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!!! Ahhhh there you go...my head is much clearer now. What is wrong with me? What the hell was I thinking? I forgot that communication is very important. My professors should be killing me for this.

I was able to let go of alot of baggages today. I can say that I can be more understanding this time. More careful. Much stronger. To you my friend thank you affirming the friendship that we share. Sometimes when change in the environment occurs some feelings of insecurity may arise. I apologize for the inappropriate reaction honey. Thank for making me feel the warmth of the friendship bond we share. That no matter how long we might be apart, we would just need to catch up from where we left off and enjoy once again the friendship that we have. Despite your knowing, you have taught and showed me another facet of friendship. That we can never put formulas or boundaries to it. We will never be able to make even an "accurate forecast" of what may happen to us. We need to live a day at a time and share stories that challenge the intellect and refreshes each one's soul. I look forward to those.

Love you...

Great Spirit, keep this friend of mine safe.
Let his heart be steadfast.
May wisdom of ways be rewarded such a man.
Keep the abundance of care and understanding in his heart.
.:M:.

Surrendering to Destiny

There is no need to hold on and waste emotions. There is a tendency to succumb to paranoia if I just keep on. So now I set him free.

I know that this is the right thing to do, to lift it all (emotions and thought processes) up and release it to the inevitable. Let destiny take its place. I need my stability back. I need to be able to take charge of my thought processes once again. My job could be at stake. But despite the saline eyes, I know that the Great Spirit has reminded me (again!) that men who have pure hearts do exist. So DreamCatcher, do not fret. Be steadfast and teach your heart to be still and wait.

To you my prince, I wish you the hapiness you truly deserve. Thank you for the friendship. May you know that when the situation arises I will be there for you. Do not be afraid of being denied. I give you back the shoulder to cry on that you once offered yet I declined. May your days be bright and your nights be filled with His peace. Love you...

They say that when I love I do not think about myself. Self-less as they call it. And this goes for evrything, be it friendship or the romantic type that we all know of. And the problem my friends see is that there is a tendency for me not to know my limit. They say I create pain for my own heart. Yet sometimes I welcome that pain not because I am sadistic or anything but because I want to be able to say that I gave it my all before I gave up.

Once again I am in that situation and to my friends that patiently wait, relax. I know what I am getting myself into. It may create hurt in the future but I want to be able to say I loved will my whole heart and soul. I appreciate you all being there looking out for me. I love you all.

I am very very happy. I cannot describe it any other way. But the ball is not in my court. So I will continue to enjoy the moment and treasure his friendship.

To my Friend with a kind and understanding heart,

I know not what goes on inside your head. What are you thinking? What is it your feeling? There seems to be confusion, but it could me not knowing you fully. I wish to deepen the friendship. I want to know more about you. Knowing why it is that you react the way you do. You have offered me your friendship and yet there seems to be things that you me leave in dark. I would not like to demand for anything, because then it would not be how I define friendship. But all I ask is for your assurance that I am your friend.

I apologize for taking out my insecurity with you. I would just like to be honest. I am scared you are slipping away. I wouldnt want that. I love you my friend and I put so much worth and meaning to that statement.


in the spirit of friendship,
a Catcher of Dreams

So much activity around my life! I don't know if I can keep up. I guess it is so far so good though! Words spoken out of the truth, friendships tested and theories proven. There has been alot of emotions felt that I never thought I would be able to go through in my lifetime. The pain and heartaches may not have been done to me personally however there seems to be a bond with them that I share whatever is happening with their lives. I get hurt when other people hurt them. I cry their tears and feel their hearts being ripped apart. If only I can take on the grief and sorrow they are experiencing I would. But all I can do is assure them that I will be there till the last tear is shed.

I value friendships. I treasure friends. They are the crayons that color my world, and oh what a vibrant life I lead. You know who you people are!! I love you deeply with all my heart, my life and my soul. Thank you!

You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Understanding oneself can be quite a challenge. There are certain reactions to some situations that we even we surprise ourselves.. Could it be the "default system" at work?

There was just a feeling that there is a need to detach from certain people tonight. Too much disclosure of oneself in a very unstable time may not be welcomed by some people. It was just too much too soon. Continuing with that kind of openess can jeopardize the friendship or worse be interpreted in the wrong way. From the start, the motive was pure. Friendship and no other expectations or levels as they put it. However at this point in time, there is an air of doubt that can be felt. That trust is not a 100% and detachment is necessary.

I did not want to detach. I wanted to continue showing them who I was. And yet the reactions to my actions were unnatural, even uncalled for. It prompted me to say things I somehow regret.

I feel the guilt though. I didnt want him to feel bad. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hold his hand and assure him that evrything was fine with us. I wanted to tell him that I was paranoid. For him to know how I truly felt. Fear stopped me. I was afraid he would not understand it the way I wanted him to or the way I meant it to be. IN the quiet depths of my soul I wanted this man to be my friend. How do you tell him that?

A man I could say anything and evrything too. Share my insights. Tell him my pain and confusion about men. Ask him how I can fully comprehend this beings that give us women such hurt and still having the safety of not being misjudged. I sense his heart it is pure and considerate. Truly a man of depth and courage of the spirit. He is a brother and friend. Fortunately, NEVER a lover.

Knowing I do not have control of his friends feelings, emotions and reactions, I choose to give space. Think for a while and regroup. Pray and learn to come back to the middle.

This is not intended for anyone in particular. It is just a product of my thought process (Vencer, 2002). If it does seem to pertain to certain events or people, I do apologize. It maybe that I was forced to use the words that have been running around inside my head. But it is applicable to my reactions. And I do fall into the same mode at certain times.

Despite having learned one's lesson from the past. Even if we say we have matured. There will always be that "behavioral default system" we go back to. That kind of behavior that we resort to when that part of us that we keep hidden from those we feel are capable of inflicting so much pain is threatened. To situations that can leave hurt and pain to your soul- that which can change your life forever- your tendency is to automatically shut the doors. It comes instinctly. It is as if the warning signs go out and the vault locks. You once again detach from anyone and anything. What complicates it more is realizing that it could come from a person you thought would have shielded you, a person you trusted or the person you considered your friend. The irony that you gave your trust and that person handed back betrayal. And the pain this brings causes you to go back into your shell. We switch to the "behavioral default system." Because this is the time that the spirit and flesh are both weak. We physically and emotionally do not want to fight. Quite like an emergency system. A defense.

Questions abound. You smoke one cigarette after the other. Alcohol can become a close friend. This is the time you value silence and solitude. There is s tendency to analyze each minute and the circumstances that have passed. You ask the ultimate question....Why did I let it happen? What went wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could that person do this to me? You flood your mind trying to dissect each part of the situation.

The difficulty of this "behavioural default system" is that it becomes such a task to get back to being the way it was. After the sting of the events, you still feel the throbbing of your heart. It has left its scar. Something that even time will have a challenge in healing. And there will always be that apprehension to be the same person. There is anxiety that you maybe hurt in that intensity again. That another person may decieve you in the same way. So the challenge is how to gather strength from the positive things that have to you and at the same time keep the lessons from the negative endeavors.

If there is one thing to remember when we sucumb to this certain frame of mind (yes I'm still talking about the "behavioral default system"). The important thing is what we become after each ordeal. I choose to be positive. It might be easier said than done but it is possible. I hold on to that possibility, for I know that as the clouds part after the rain I will see a clearer sky!

Living with Positivity

"There is so much negativity in this world, we need to stay positive."

So be it! As much as possible and if I can help it I will strive to be positive at all times. I have been complaining about some of the people around me. This has not helped me in any aspect. It even brings me more negativity. Ther buck stops here, otherwise it will just continue on sliding from station to station.

It's been our first week in the new apartment. Jeanette & Josh, Ivy and myself. We are actually proud that we have transformed it to a place where would just love to hangout in. A home that reflects the beach, a place we wish we could be everyday of our lives.

Its been a week of interior decoration, cooking and simply staying at home and getting a feel of it. Excitement is at its peek. There still are a few things we need to invest in like a television and a radio. But other than that it looks like a home and better yet feels like a home.

I still live a day at a time and praying for happiness and success in all our endeavors, for me as well as my soul sisters. This is indeed a big step towards living the life we choose. May we do it well. As Ivy said, "We shall conquer this day with courage as our creed, with love as our sword and friendship as our shield, the family as our visor, and faith as our armour!"

Mumblings and Musings...

If I would take a look inside myself and be honest with my current state of mind, body and soul, I would say I am very LOST! My operative words as of the moment would include negativity, confusion, spaced-out, huh, what-was-that-again-I'm-sorry, and other synonyms that - as of the time i am writing this- I just cannot find the words to express. Not to mention I am constantly bombarding myself with a questions. Heart is asking my mind and my mind is not just insync with my heart right now and since both play an important role in my decison making then you see where the dilemna comes from.

I don't want to blame anyone or anything with all the instability in in my life right now. If only I can shut my mouth (which is a very hard feat) and go away to a place of solitude wherein positive energy abounds, I would just like to think and contemplate. In this way I can actually avoid saying things I may regret later. But hello! Reality check DreamCatcher. I have a job that I really need to keep as of the moment. It is my only source of money. And just to remind everyone, we do need money to survive. Yet I stress and convince myself I really do need to reflect on my decisions and reactions to the stimulus that "life" has given me. Personal as well as professional. Otherwise the white flag will be raised to depression. And that is something I do not want to think about. I will never surrender, after everything I have accomplished, not now!

I need to carefully weigh all the committments I get myself into. I cannot really say if this is another hang-up because of the life I led, fact is I tend to slow down when there is a need to commit. It is apparent even at work. Blah....blah...blah.... I don't know how pathetic I can be. I say these things about slowing down but when my friends asked me to move in with them I imediately (take note, not even pausing) say YES! So now I am moving in with them. In an apartment in Quezon City, with Jeannette & Josh and Ivy, my bestfriend.

Unbelievable it may seem. However these is how I have played my cards. Let's just see what happens in the next few days. As things unfold each day, may I walk in the path led by the Great Spirit. I need to...

May the Love between us be strong
May the Trust between us be whole
And may the words between us be True.
May our eyes See one another
May our ears Hear one another
May our Hearts Touch one another
And may our souls Hold one another

-Annazi Prayer (Annazi is an American Indian tribe)

While writing this I am talking to my soul sister Jeanette on the phone. She had to endure a long conversation with a person I don't really know how to treat like now. I am in a confused stage. I will be honest here. I will try to confront myself. To finally say what I want to say. If ever there will be reactions that is your opinion. And I may respect your opinions but that is "MY" call. What I will write here is what I FEEL! And when a person feels something you cannot contend with that and rob them of experiencing "EMOTIONS."

Right now I have to face my own skeletons and stand up to what I believe in. Alot of things have happend around me. And its as if everything has slipped our noses. I feel betrayed, there I said it after a long struggle between my heart and mind. You ask why? Its because as I told Jeanette, all the words exchanged, the blogs, emails and the feelings expressed all of these are just shaking my relationship with my Soul Sisters. Not to mention testing my integrity and character in the workplace. But what really gripes my heart is that fact that it involves someone who I thought I could trust. And it was shattered by the fact that this person didn't even tell us what was happening. I treated him like family, like a brother, and it wouldnt have been difficult to tell me what was happening, what he was feeling.

I really can't put a finger on the reason why everything had to reach "this level." All I know is that there is something NOT right. There have been words spoken that have pierced the hearts. Actions that have not been consistent. All these are just rushing into my brain and right now I would just want to contemplate. If I can only run to Galera like my sis Jeanette, I would. I wish I could just lay on the beach and watch the sunset. Or be on the rockies, sit there and hear the waves crash against them. In short I just want to be away and search for the reason of all the turmoil that's happening.

Well for now, think nalang ako and pray.

Those that read this. This surge of words are indeed results of my being (once again) analytical of the things happening around me and to me, HOWEVER, they are not for anyone to feel I am talking about them. They are merely thoughts I would like to let out, and maybe in time would like to read back. Thoughts that make me realize there are more things to learn about myself. For the next few days this will be a work in progress...

People know I am non-confrontational. It must be a trait I got from my father. As in all things there will always be the positive and the negative side to it.

For the negative, people sometimes don't listen to my opinion. Well for most parts I am the type of person that I would rather hear out the whole thing, cuddle up on a comfortable chair, have my luckies and really think (as in drain my brain juices!), in short I am usually silent in a discussion. The only time you will hear an instant reaction from me is if one, a person gives a judgemental reaction about a friend or family and two, when they start forming wrong opinions of who I am especially if they do not even me. If that will happening boy, will you get a piece of my mind. Its funny when I know my mind can think really fast when it wants to. This is the reason that sometimes I feel like I can put a story in a time machine I can use the present and try to forsee what will happen and it not only in a certain angle. I will scrutinize every nook and cranny of all the possible the situations. Some of the "scenes" I bring out maybe impossible, but for me at least I have seen it at all points. My mind may be able to think fast but the organizing side of it cannot keep up. My statements can be so unorganized that there are times my friends just go, "huh?", "what are you saying?" or worst "oh shut up DreamCatcher!"

Well on the other hand not being confrontational gives me time to think things through. I
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I am so proud of my Tagteam! He went for his dreams! There was a time that I had to talk to him about going for whatever he thought would make him happy and now he has. He wanted to take up photography and he did. Now he has won first place in a PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT.
Here are two his winning photographs.
I am really so proud of him. Indeed he is really one of those people I value and has made such an impact in my life. Again my tagteam.
I love you!

I have gotten a chance to once again talk to a very good friend. People may question why I have remained friends with her but hey, she's good to me and I value her. She has proven that she can rise up from the waves that crash into her life, and these happen to be really HUGE waves, mind you. I trust her too, she's never failed me in that department. And I appreciate her objectivity. There was time she approached me to tell me about certain improvement points in managing people in my team and she actually made me cry. She told me how she felt whenever I would give her a project and it were valid feelings actually. I was crying because she was right and I did not know I made her feel such. Her opinions matter, when she talks I will definitely listen.

Now she is in my department and we have the same position. I was looking forward to this and I can very welll say she is capable. But she feels that she gone to war too prematurely. No ammunition, no instructions and no map whatsoever. I can say I've been there,done that. It's a very difficult situation to be in. It takes it toil on your emotional being as well as physical health. Talking to this friend made realize why people say I have changed.

I used to be very passionate with my job. Since I joined the company I knew what I wanted- be Trainer. I had my eyes set on that goal from the beginning. All my efforts had a reason. It wasnt long that my efforts were acknowledge. I was promoted to Training Specialist by March of this year. I felt I had achieved. I was on top of the world. What I didnt know was that it was a start of another bumpy road.

The Training Department had alot of responsibilities and like my friend I had to adjust otherwise. The greatest challenge came from the fact that we had to learn in a limited amount of time and there was only two of us doing everything. I am a workaholic so naturally I tried to do evrything I can accomoidate. Guess I took in so much. Because midway into the year I feel so burnt out. Everything is just going haywire. My health, the relationship with my father and giving time to those I call friends. As my mother would say "Mhay, your strecting yourself too thin again!" Well I guess its a viscious cycle I go through. That I give too much only to find myself gasping for air at the end. I should start learning from those marathon runners on how to sustain and endure the long journey.

Its really hard. Right now I am trying to make a paradigm shift. To be able to do pacing in order for me to survive the loong trek to the top. I would rather it be slowly yet surely. I am also re-evaluating the career options I have in other industries so not restrict myself. I really do see myself in more arts and culture related field. We'll see. As I said I am not in a rush. I will pray about this.

So much thoughts are locked up in my head. It is a struggle to keep focused with work now a days. So much energy has been drained just thinking about it. I don't really understand what is happening. My boss and even Janis notices that I do not have the same fire I had for my job. Ivy, my bestfriend, calls it burn out. I say it could be lossing sight of the goal. Or even NOT knowing what the goal is. I need to figure this out soon and fast. Otherwise...

I look forward to Saturday. We will be having a family day at Big Brother Meek's house. That should be something to look forward to. I just want to be one with my element and let all that is bothering me just float away. Be gone!

Twas a great weekend. The weather was great in Puerto Galera. It was as if the sun and clouds knew we were coming and they smiled down on us.

Jeanette went scuba diving and I went snorkeling off the reefs of Sabang. It was BEAUTIFUL! There were alot of fishes of all sizes and all the possible color combinations were there. In my delight I would dive down and try to follow the fishes that I forget I only had on a snorkel that I choke on sea water. I can be so dumb at times. There was even an instance I felt so stupid. After snorkelling I called for the boat to come and get me. Since I felt so tired I wanted to sleep while we wait for the divers, so lay down on the haul of the boat. But I guess my mind was too exhausted that I had my head lower than my feet naturally when I got up I felt so seasick...you know how that story ended huh? Oh well so I just sat up and actually wanted to jump and just be in the water- felt safer there.

While still waiting for Jeanette to surface, I saw four divers that wre preparing to descend to Sabang wreck. Their dive master told them that on the count of three they would all release the air in their vests in order to descend. One...twoo...three...I counted with them. I saw three of them go down in real time while this one diver still had his head poking out of the water. He started to look around and then as if trying to keep calm said "I'm not sinking!" It was hilarious...I couldnt stop laughing! When finally thought he had sucessfully sunk himself, I saw his blue fins sticking out of the water waving feriously....He was just upside down, he still could not sink. Ha ha ha ha!!!! It was a really good laugh.

We also discovered a really beautiful hotel. Its called the Tropicana Castle. Located in Sabang, its a fusion of medieval, spanish and Filipino Influences. I would really like to stay there. The pool area was so wonderful too. It had sun beaches all around and a relaxing waterfall at the far end of the area.

As a whole my weekend was great. There were alot of search and rescue in Sabang but I guess it just was not meant to be. Right Jean?

There have been a change of plans. It seems the Feast of the Goddesses will be moved to a place in the city. We found this really terrific place right smack in the middle of Ortigas. Its beautiful. Very romantic, fit for the goddesses.

I am also on my way home to pack some stuff for an overnight stay in Puerto Galera. My soul sister Jeanette, will do some diving so I am going to the dive site with here to do some snorkeling. I am very excited!!!! I was supposed to stay home during the weekend but when she told me if I can go with her it seemed like my lips just automatically responded yes. Me and the Beach--inseparable! I will try to just unwind and rest my tired mind. Do some soul searching most probably. I need it.

I will try to write about it when I get back.

Why is it that some people don't seem to just listen? All I am trying to do is put sense into her. I mean make look at it from ALL angles and I mean all. You can't just go on telling people its impossible when you haven't even given it a try. Exhaust all means first as I would say. Life is not always a bed of roses. There are some sacrifices that you have to make. And it is when we have tried our all, gave it our best shot that we can actually say...It will not work.

I am trying my best to put sense into this. I mean is it me that is not able to look at the bigger picture? Am not trying to help my team? Is it just because I am not the one in thge situation that I do not see it in the right perspective?

Of course I am trying to help my team. I would like them to be successful in their endeavors. In the end it will be the whole team that benefits, right? Why is it then that I am the bad guy? I am the inconsiderate team mate that does not see it the way other people see it?

All I wanted to tell them was that the management IS doing something about it. It is not as if they are leading us to a dark dungeon alone. As much as possible they would like everyone to stay in the same building but the truth of the matter is THERE ARE NO WORKSTATIONS LEFT! They may not have forseen such a growth which is usually the case but we can see each boss doing something about it. If they wish to tell them about their "concern" then they should be prepared to give them alternatives. As it is management has looked into each possibility and this is the lesser of evils. A compromise as they say. I mean I still believe in some of the bosses and I know that they are working as hard as us to be able to deliver good customer service to both external and internal customers. Can't they see that?

I don't know as it is I am also furious that I should have to be the one to raise my voice just to get someone to look at the different angles and I end up being the culprit! Good heavens!!!!!! I give up then.

Bad timing that I am actually trying to assess if this is the career for me and this is what I get for my hard work I also put in. Well I do work for my name right and if I do have to save that name then I will. If it means to leave the company then so be it....

I do not understand the gush of emotions I encountered today. Tears were actually falling while I was inside the jeepney (its a Filipino mode of transportation). It felt as if I was walking through my childhood and I found myself looking for the most prominent person and I couldn't find him. He was my bestfriend a partner in crime. Never could I have imagined that it would be what it is today.

I was always near him. I looked up to him, the way he treated people, the professionalism he showed at his job, the friendships that he nurtured and more importantly how he reared me. He was always there for me. He took on the responsibility of my mother. He was there in school programs, he took me out to movies, to parades and to the beach. We shared the same personality. Very much outgoing, a people-person and we just love to travel. He was my swimming coach. He was my best friend. We went out on dates wherein we would just talk about life and what I would and could be. I miss those times.

Then my mother came back from Mindanao. I was distant from my mother. I barely knew her. She was gone for such a long time. But I do not blame her. But I also did not know what to do. To complicate things she was jealous of the relationship I developed with the man she also loved.

I am a Daddy's Girl. I am not ashamed of that. It was always nice to have him around. He was fun. I was like him. But its not what it is now. I started growing up. He thought I was rebelling. I wasn't around much for him. I had a bunch of friends from school now and those were the people I hung out with. I guessed he missed being with me too. He missed his baby girl. But I had to do what I was doing. I had to be independent. I wanted tobe as strong-willed as he was. God if I can only bring back time.

Everything is different now. We don't go to the beach anymore. We don't go swimming. we don't go to movies or talk about life or just go target shooting at the Camp Crame range. We lead very separete lives. In the mornings I would purposely wake up late just in time to watch them leave for work. Staring from the window wanting to at least have said goodbye. We try not to cross each other's path when we're at home. Conversations with him are short and direct if not we end up debating. In short we avoid each other. Both souls are so non confrontational that we don't get to tell each other what we really feel. What we don't know is that we're hurting each other in the process. Our solution was, get off each one's back and we will live harmoniously. We pretended there was nothing wrong. Obviously there was. All those years growing up, all the mistakes I have made, it built stone after stone of anger inside him. And now this has been the way to go that its been a habit. Its hard to break. I feel that the mere site of me will get him so angry he might suffer another stroke. I can't live without him. I need him. I miss him greatly.
If I could just bring myself to start the healing and forgiving process but I can't. I would have wanted it to remain the way it was. I want to be able to tell him how scared I am of what is happening in my life. To reveal how I am scared of being hurt by the men in my life. Wanting his wisdom on career and love. The relationship I wanted was that of independence but in times that I feel so lost or torn by all the evil in the world I could crawl on to his lap, tell him about it and just cry.

I If there was one prayer I would so like answered, it would be that I can again convey to him how much I value him in my life. Next to God, he is my fortress and cornerstone. I love you Papa, forever. I am still your baby girl, I just grew up.