Friday, December 05, 2003

CAUGHT in CONFUSION

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. Yet now I confess to the confusion in my heart and my mind. The tide is changing…

But as I always say, things happen for a reason. The last two years I felt like I was taking my Masters in Life University. The knowledge and experiential learning was just so rich. It was too intense that sometimes, when I’m alone and analyze what has been of this life, I feel that my mind can’t seem to contain all of it.

Again, I am confused. All the chapters of my life are unique enough that I can’t seem to make a pattern of what it is that I want to do for most part of it. I have created that protection of adaptability to the forces of life that makes me flexible enough to survive anything. There is that confidence that I know I can endure anything. I have for most part of my life. I know that given any challenge I can achieve. And though I should be thankful because that is a strength, it makes knowing what I want to do, to be and to make of myself all the more complicated to resolve.

If my goals and dreams were listed on a piece of paper, I have crossed out quite a few as of this moment. I wanna be proud of them. But what concerns me is that they are dreams that seem to be different forks in a road. It’s as if I take the side roads because I do not which highway to take. But how does one know that?

Of what I have become, it was always an effort to balance heart and mind. Though on most case it was heart that took the wheel, for I am woman that wears her heart out on a sleeve. It was always the instinct of what is in my heart which makes me walk or take that leap. And yet even that is changing. The disappointments of the past years has given me that impression that that gut feeling I consider when a decision is to be made will not always be right. It makes me question certain ideas. And sadly it makes me analyze too much that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Something that I would never want to happen.

And so now I find myself raising the query… Can knowing what you want in your life change? Or is that from the start you never really knew what it was? Could it be that the circumstances life has thrown your way influence the way you view yourself and what it is that will make you happy?

Thursday, November 06, 2003

NO LONGER IN SLUMBER...

he's back!!!! it was so good to watch a brother playing his guitar with no else than sheer talent and heart. and what's make the night all the more special was sharing a few beers with him and suplada. i really had a wonderful time. bro, nice to see yah back in action. stay happy! suplada gurl, your rock!!!

thruly a kodak moment night. wow we had great photos...we gotta post em up guys!!

Sunday, November 02, 2003

strange this ache i feel from within. how i wish there was a place to buy a pill from, pop it in, gulp down a glass of water and just wait for the pain to leave. to wake up feeling better.

why do i allow people to make me feel this way?? to let him hurt me this way. i allowed his words to cut a wound in my heart, punch a hole in my self-esteem tank. now i feel everything drain away slowly. hushing my self every now and then. so i retreat to those i call family. those i feel safe with. like a little girl, wanting to crawl into my daddy's lap and tell him to kiss this throbbing pain away.

i guess its all part of the tapestry called life. so i will let this pain go its way. weeding out the lessons and going forth much stronger. this weekend I will return to my sanctuary. to dive into its healing waters. a much needed release and some sun. maybe that can make me look at things in a different perspective.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

EXTREME EXCITEMENT

i wanna go! I wanna meet the people! I wanna start! let's go! wahoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's how excited I am with this new job. now to those that have been reading me blogs. this is a new new job from the last new job I posted. yes, i resigned from new one and now I have another new one. confused? don't be. let's just say that now I have broken free of the clasps of the call center routine. a start to going to the path of my dreams. makes me all the more believe in destiny.

funny how all it took was to make that one big leap. letting go of the emotional baggages and excuses. i stopped saying "but what if I dont find a new job," or "but I need to sustain myself, I can't afford not having a job." once I took that step everything just fell in place.

i believe i am gonna love my new stress source (aka job) since it is so my personality. so tourism, here I come!!!!!

Sunday, October 19, 2003

when you up in the mountains away from the worries, it seems that the mind is clearer to think and realize. for once again change is upon me and the two personalities that exists within me are one again in a debate of how to cope with it.

i was supposed to co-facilitate in subic but its seems that I got more out of the sessions than my participants. if there were two realizations that were imbedded in my mind during the teambuilding it would be that fear would always exist when there is change and its just up to us to manage that fear and that sometimes our attitude should just be JUST DO IT!

i acknowledge that it was my fault, and now I should take the consequence. i was scared of what could happen after my decison. what i was doing what making excuses. all you gotta do is go for it. that is what i should be doing. and its not after I go to the beach or something it should be NOW! i shouldnt be focusing on how high the pole is from the ground but rather in just climbing it all the way. as the xtreme adventure manager said, there are things in life wherein full understanding is not needed, you just have to do it. stop analyzing and just do it. what i need right now is to have the courage to move on no questions asked. i should be able to have the excitement as wanting to climbing that 25 foot pole. and once i get to the top i need to also have the courage to make that leap. then only will i be able to say I have overcome the obstacle.

this will be another ride of my life but now I can say i will be able to go through it with a different mindset and attitude. so friends can I trust you with my life, cause now I'll be climbing...

Friday, October 10, 2003

i mark the last period and flip the page to start another chapter of my so-called life. with a new job and a new journal, i look forward to what is instore for me.

learning from what has been. i face these blank pages with the eagerness to fill them with more celebrations, appreciation and experiences.


INFORMATION OVERLOAD

its hard to be back as a participant in a training session when for almost a year and a half you've been facilitating and designing the course. now I find myself overwhelmed by the pressure of catching up with the other particiapnts. not that I'm slow or anything but its just that I process things differently now. there's too much numbers and memorizing abbreviations. gosh! my mind can't take this beating!

but in general the new company has been great. I like the lay-out of the center not to mention the location of our building. the people have also been accomodating and they're all young as well.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

THE NEW JOB

its been great. the people have been fun. there was a bit of a withdrawal period from the previous company. but so far, so good. it has been very hectic as well, but at least you get to sit back and relax with co-trainers after the sessions.

Friday, September 12, 2003

MOVING ON...

my goodbye email to the company I have worked for two years...
i have always been emotional about goodbyes,
but i never thought i would be this attached to an organization.
iwill really miss the people and work environment here,
as they say, kakaiba...simply the bessssst!


Those were the days...
When all CCSs had rulers because the list was an excel print out, font 8
When we had to pile up scripts because we didn't have any software yet
When we had trivia chat sessions on AOL, complete with moderators
When we could still smoke in the pantry
When there was a big area to play and bond with team and batch
When there were more variations in the coffee machine
When you knew everyone because you had the same lunch break.
When foozball was a sport, it was a team effort that we actively engaged in
When the Dish account arrived and we had to camp out in the nap room for days to finish the manual
When the DISHers were also the recruitment team
When there was the Hatch Team that opened every account on the floor
When you really went to company parties because you knew you would miss half of your life if you didn't.

Those were times that I could say, in Globalstride we work hard but we also party harder.
There were crunch times, but it would never be without people that make it seem much lighter
We achieved in our job because we enjoyed the people and the environment we worked in.
That is the organization that I have grown to love.
Then slowly bosses, teammates and batchmates moved on,
Now it's my turn.

For the bosses and their open door policy, unselfishly giving an email or a pat on the back.
For the TLs and their extra motivational antics, and the belief they had in us.
For the fellow reps and their loyalty to the company.
For the company parties that were always one big teambuilding session.
This will be how I will always remember Globalstride.
As they say it is more than just a company, it was a family.
I was blessed to have been through those years with Globalstride.
And looking back I was fortunate to have experienced the growth to what the company is today.

As they say change will always be inevitable.
With my goodbye I utter blessings.
So with my hand over my heart, I thank everyone in this family.
To those that have left and to those that remain.
I will always be proud that I came from such an alternative company.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

LOVING ONESELF

i choose to be free. i acknowledge that there is a cirle i need to consider. and within that circle i shall maximize my individuality. within those bounds I will make the most out of each day. i shall not depend on waiting for others to be prepared, hence i create the possibility for myself. with sincerity, my heart and the personality of my soul I give what I can give. yet I leave some for myself to grow. because now Iknow the importance of loving myself as well.

i start by realeasing you...



WHINNING ABOUT DECISIONS

dont' you get hunted by the thought of making the wrong decision? people say that it simply is a choice. true, but what about accepting the consequences behind that preference? and that sometimes you can't look that far ahead, because the circumstances seem to have built a wall. sometimes it is a result of the mistakes of the past. and because you accept the responsibility of that, you are the only one who can break it down. taking a mallet can't be the only way. you need consider the people around you, because the debris can be painful. still you have to make these decisions, otherwise you'll be stuck in a rut. so you take a step at a time, baby steps if need be. still you have to do it, the best way you know how. by waiting and praying...


STRENGTH

dont give up on me when you feel i do not listen,
you'll see that i'm learning from your life in my own way.

though i could be stubborn,
i do respect the wisdom i see from the way you react to situations,
let me process it through the filters that I have.

do not rush me,
let me grasp the lessons, slowly but surely.

i would bust down the doors if I find the need to.
but I also patiently wait for the right opportunities to sieze.
i am strong in my own way.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

i am dealing with dissapointments today...
it is much harder to accept when it comes from the people you love. despite not wanting to expect, there is still that part of you that does. like a child realizing she was lost. then panic fills you, and you just want to slump on the floor and cry. though you know you will eventually forgive at this point, your heart aches.


so drowned myself in alcohol last night...
you control wanting to shout words that you might regret. not being able to endure the sting of the situation, you look for diversion. your gaze falls on the bottle infront of you, it spells r-e-d h-o-r-s-e, ahhh! you take a gulp. then another. then another. the lightness, the uninhibited energy bursts out, and you start grooving to the reggae music. at that time you needed a distraction, and the alcohol helped.

but there was a new friend that was there.
a relationship that started from linking, reading and appreciating her work. and tonight you saw her as a companion. though there was no obligation, she was there to accomodate me into her group. after a few beers and yay-gers you both made sure that the night would be worth the memory and a blog entry. to you, my heartfelt thanks, i will return the favor!


in a way my heart was broken that night. and yet, i also enjoyed the new folks that i met. and to two people that came in the nick of time. what mattered was that both of you were there. thank you for bringing me back to mr. kebab, all because i really wanted to and you wouldnt want me to whine all morning right? feels good to eat after all the beers.

.: guess this night was all about making the most of the situation :.

Friday, September 05, 2003




DreamCatcher: disregarding the truth and waiting in vain for the sake of love are the sorriest sins a woman can make<<--comment on this statement

A: am processing
A: i'd like to believe that when you find love... it is the absolute meaning of truth.
A: it's reality staring you in the face. meeting you where you are.

DreamCatcher: but at this point in time when people are corrupted by everything and anything could there really be true love? or is it relative as well

A: i believe in true love. i need to believe in it for me to be able to keep an optimistic view of life. if you lose faith in that one beautiful thing, there really is not much to go on.

DreamCatcher: true true

A: i honestly believe that love will be relative until you meet the right person
A: questions and doubts will arise until you come to that place where you release all of yourself and are willing to give it all up to another
A: that to me is true love and until you get there you cant describe it
A: i need to make myself vulnrable to some extent in order for me to know what i truly feel
A: without pain you dont know if you love

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

i live just like a woman,
make love just like a woman,
ache just like a woman.
but i break...just like a little girl.

-nina simone


i just got off the phone with alystaire. and i am just appreciating our conversations. they get to be very woman-like but we tend to conclude that we will always be the daddy's girl that we are. we reminisce about our growing up, she being in an american school and my hopping from one province to another. or how funny that when other girls were playing with dolls, we were in the firing ranges with our dads. also the fisihing trips that we thought were a waste of our time, but are part of the package that made us the woman we are. we give ourselves affirmations that we never really got to tell each other when we were living in the same country. but it's never too late! now I feel our relatinship growing even if she's in the other part of the globe. we get to talk about the impact of the decisions we have made in our lives, the carrer goals we have been thinking about and the men that seem to confuse use every now and then. sharing how we continually deal with the insecurities we have as a person. the vanity and spontaneity. don't we just love life?

its funny that because our parents were bestfriends then we became almost like sisters. you, me and angelsa. tres marias as they used to call us in church. and our being the only girl in each family made the realtionship even more solid. oceans may keep us apart physically, but our souls will always reach each other in prayer. i love you both to the core of my being. to eternity and beyond.

Monday, September 01, 2003

PURE SHORES

i set forth on that voyage with one thing in mind. to renew my exhausted soul. now that I look back, I got more than what i prayed for. the weather had tried to test my will, now I know it was a premonition. a sign that it would be a different weekend, one that would definitely have a special place in my life.

i taught me to rest...despite the energy that overwhelms me when i am in the island, i listened to my body this time. it has been deprived of sleep for so long. so that afternoon with the waves singing its lullabye, i closed my eyes and gave in. it was a night that I made peace with my body.

it taught me to believe in myself again...life is indeed like a wheel. there will always be a times that you have to deal with insecurity breakdowns. its part of going back to the middle. but that night at the beach brought people that just seem to gas up your self-esteem. it made me all the more say, its good to be home.

it taught me that attitude IS contagious...that sometimes things may not turn out the way we want them to, but we have to make the most of the situation. and though there is a default reaction to it, but still you kiss and make up! now i know that fun is not in the situation, but it is an attitude. it is you that makes a moment fun and exciting, that's when people are attracted to what you and your friends have.

it has taught me to enjoy the moment...totem poles in the water. trepassing on private property. pesto and vodka. hotdogs and wine. not the usual combinations, but it makes it even more memorable. and your left with pictures in your mind that you will keep in your heart's scrapbook. then once in a while our minds will suddenly play the slide show of the images and all you can do is smile. and in times when you're alone and moments flashes back, you can't help but say, i am blessed.

it taught me to be grateful for a new relationship...it's recognizing the value of new people in your life. it's appreciating them for the new perspective they give. ordinary things that seem to take a different shape because they made you look at it in a different angle. bugs, i hope that you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. thank for the pesto and the music. again i raise my glass, to more escapades.

it taught me how important friendships are...i share the island with my soul sisters and though we were missing one i count my blessings. we made a different set of memories that weekend with two other people. a new set of footprints on the shores of a place i consider my sanctuary. it also renewed a bond with a person that forever will be a part of my life. my bestfriend and sister, that homecoming would be a fragment of our life puzzle that I will forever hold near my heart. you have held my hand through the times that i felt the waves over my head. the dolphins were our gift, i love you rache!


so with a renewed spirit and a rejuvenated soul, i am ready to the face the reality of life once again.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

ON GROWING UP

when a person tells you to grow up what does it mean exactly?
does growing up mean perfection?

all our lives we have been told by our parents to grow up. and still we feel that we fall short of what they expect. could it be that "growing up" is defined by the perception of a person. and so it would vary based on what a person feel is grown-up? do we equate growing up with maturity? but then what is maturity? a state in which you have reached what? it can be a play of words. but who really defines these these concepts, isn't it people? and as humans aren't they subject to the experiences that have gone through? so depending on that they base their "meanings." meanings that are different per person, per soul. thought processes once again...





FACES IN THE SUN
.: a friend's poem :.

The sunrise breaks over the sea
While they gather around me
Tears uncontrollably fall
Caused by dreams from the night before
A dream that left
An overwhelming feeling
Of loneliness and despair
Recurring even though
I've already woken up crying
So many times before
And then I look around me
At the people beside me
At the artist whose dreams
Magically shows up on paper
Whose friendship kept my course steady and true
At the hopeless romantic
Whose heart is the same as mine
Who never gave up on me
At the guy who was cool but rude
Who never left my side
and held me up everytime I fell
At the practical guy who was taught
Real love by the Woman and the Boy beside him
Who in turn showed me real friendship
At the little girl who always had a smile
Who always stood beside us
And never doubted what we could do
At the woman who catches dreams so effortlessly
Who was never afraid to say what I had to hear
At the woman I loved sitting at the far end
Whose mere presence I hold dear
Who I will never forget and always love
Even if the Gods pull us apart
I look at their faces
As they look at the sunrise
Each of them an angel
I realize
Though darkness may fall
The sun will always rise
And just as surely
My friends will always be there
Beside me

Thank you
You know who you are

Saturday, August 23, 2003

a VOYAGE

the orca needs to return to the sea
to swim in familiar waters, she has been gone for so long
she needs to heal the wounds that the urban jungle has left on her.
to dive then to breech, feeling that rush of pure creative air into her body
for now she needs it more than ever.


i shall return to my heart today
that which I leave everytime i return to the city
it is in this island, where the life force is undying
no weather can hold me back.
i prayed for the sun to show itself today
and it did.
the Great Spirit has heard my plea.
looking forward to what this voyage shall bless us with,
for we seek retreat and renewal of the bond.


A GEMINI INDEED

-seeing both sides of an argument
-versatility
-readily adapts to change
-unique ability to understand what others are thinking
-innate curiosity about everything, they express interest in others drawing others to them
-concerned with the close connection between thought and verbal expression
-willing to dare the new ideas riding right along with the times
- fun loving
-spontaneous bursts of ideas
-fickle minded (i can see bugs nodding his head!)

yup 80% of this star sign. and I am all those!
i get a call from a friend after I sent him a message saying I was pushing through with plan A no matter what. But this came after we have listed till plan C and I pick out plan B. But then I felt I wasn't happy about it and my heart was heavy. but when I made that decision. I knew I made the right one. or that i will be making the most out of it.

Friday, August 22, 2003

when a friend affirms your bond, your soul feels renewed

there is a melody that sings in the night...
it speaks of your heart, of your peace...
it soothes me to slumber and carry me whole...
it floats in the air over water and fire to rest upon my weary heart...
and in dream i fly to a morrow of joy...
and i awake in the kiss of the morn knowing i had a friend who stayed by side

.:Celtic Princess:.


HEALING

i saw kamia today...

i was stunned.
part of me wanted to crawl under the table and hide.
part of me wanted to go up to her and just pull her back in.
i hestitated- what??-and yet i remembered my battle cry for the week,
CREATE THE POSSIBILITY!

we talked, catching up almost 4 years that have gone by.
there was an akward tension around us
but we laughed and talked more.
at that point in time i felt i wanted to tell her how much I have missed her.
how i have read her letters over and over.
but then I was called in for my interview.

it starts with you opening your doors and the experiences just seem to walk right in.
this is the start of healing a relationship


FINDING NEMO

i do like dory's character. she did have her issues but that didnt stop her from being a loyal friend to marlin. dory was comfortable with herself most of time. although she had to react to the journey she was on she never forgot that she should always have fun.

my friend sent me a message saying he was reminded of me when he saw dory in the film. as bugs said...You don't havethe memory loss but you do have the spontaneous playfulness and suprising bits of wisdom and the same cadence of speaking.

wasn't that just a very nice thing to say. thank you bugs! all i need to do is memorize that. who knows i can use it to meet more people! hee hee™


You are DORY!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, August 21, 2003

CREATING POSSIBILITIES

create for me is such a powerful word.
it gives you a window for opportunity and the challenge to make a difference.
for a person that enjoys to explore it is the ultimate experience.
having people tell me about the Landmark Forum makes me all the more excited.
having friends that encourage you of the possibilities of taking it makes me all fired up.

if by opening up my whole mind to the concept of thinking in a different way, i can lead an extraodrinary life, then why not give it a try. having been exposed to the views of people that have taken the forum, i believe that it will indeed help people lead a much more productive life. so I am indeed enrolling myself in the possibility of taking the forum. and I declare it right here in my own stage, to the people who read my blog.

the time I've been spending with old and new friends has been very enriching and inspirational. its like my incense talks but on a wider perspective. the very thing I need. work has been discouraging and dissapointing. it seems like we just go around in circles and never improve. you give it your best and still plans never materialize and I have given it 1 1/2 years. so I believe that is enough time. what even is more disheartening is the fact that they always bring it back to the trainer, to her not being flexible or focused. or to her passion in a different realm. i feel that is taking away away who I am. i have given up alot for this company because I believed in what they wanted. family relationships and even some friendships had to be sacrificed just so that i'll get a compliment from management, pathetically, just to be noticed by management. and it took me two years to learn the simple fact that its not worth it. in some way I acknowledge that I need to be more assertive. non-confrontational me, needs to stand up and speak up. i did. but i feel like, the committment I had with my superior was written in water. it hinders my plans of slowly going down the path of my dreams. in landmark jargon, it disempowers an individual. an i will not let them do that.

to my new friends, thank you for the affirmation that i am a coach. amidst the scars of the battles of the past, i now realize the future. that night's discussion was a blessing to me. and now i open my doors to newer things. it is never too late to start something. and i enroll myself in the possibility that I will go down the path of my dreams. i declare happiness and I visualize a future that I will be proud of!

i now can climb on top of my whale and declare my destiny.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

NO MATTER WHERE LIFE TAKES YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS COME HOME

three faeries at sea...
sailing home to their island.
to the heart of the philippines they go...
their sanctuary, haven and refuge.
a place where their energy seems to flow endlessly...
une plage de mémoires.


they take a boat each. that with a figure head of each ones faerie soul. they try to sail the sea of life. battling the waves, they seek their True North. they are free spirits people say. they follow the wind, they hunger for where life can take them. making stops at their island for rest. but on this sunrise, you see the eastern horizon glowing rose-red. the breeze changes its sweep. a sailor's intuition, take heed. for that which was a calm sea in the morn has turned rough at dawn. a storm has set in and each faerie boat is being rocked. making it harder to steer and focus. independence, love, dreams and the future... that which make up each of them. ambiguity creeps in. the storm still rages, the wind howling. inside each vessel there is a dampness. two faeries wishing for the sun to come out. believeing in the hope of what could be, and trusting what they have shared. their friendship.

and on one boat, she awaits for the dove. she-that-wears-her-heart-on-her-sleeve, with saline-soaked eyes, utters a prayer. guidance o great spirit! for once again, a belief is shaken. my soul sisters. she clings to her heart for the hope that when the storm passes, each will find their way back to the island. to watch another beautiful sunset...together.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

a year's worth of experiences in a month's time.
and now i just need to take a step back and let it all sink in.
take that which is vital and carefully sort out what is temporary.
time for decisions once again,
a part of life which is constant.

to you my sister, stand thy ground.
find the strength that exists in your heart
the wisdom of the years
believe in our battle cry...
courage is our creed!

change...
ahhh, i know you.
that which has been in the beginnning and present in the end.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

so this is my past life?
interesting.....

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern USA North-Center around the year 1375.
Your profession was that of a preacher, publisher or writer of ancient inscriptions.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Artistic personality, always transforming the ugly into the beautiful, gray into bright colors. You would find an opportunity of creative self-expression in any situation.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your main lesson is to develop magnanimity and a feeling of brotherhood. Try to become less adhered to material property and learn to take only as much, as you can give back.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

TOURIST IN HER OWN CITY

that's exactly how i felt last friday, as bugs, took me around makati
i couldn't believe that I havent seen how beautiful the new greenbelt area is
in each restaurant we passed in greenbelt 2, i just stared
beautiful interiors, not to mention very expensive
and the fountain, yes the fountain, was just magical
the cinema was as if i was in a different land
WOW
now i can say that i have checked out the bars in makati

saturday was another tourist trip
this time it was pasay, then to the reclamation area
and it was a big rave party at the NBC tent
to end the day it was a chill out place called tianamen bar
i've been missing out big time then
just goes to show that there is a bigger world out there

thank you for opening the doors
so many places,
so many memories,
so much to life indeed!


INSTINCT!

on that cliff once more,
a steeper one that is.
gathering all strength,
I hastily build a wall,
right now! Fast!
otherwise I will take an extreme fall.
a fall like none yet.
that which i can't see myself surviving
what are these emotions for anyway if we have to keep it bottled up inside?
yet releasing them could mean the end of a friendship that has been wonderful.
but the irony is we wouldn't really know what the outcome is until we try.

Friday, August 01, 2003

a day that started with a headache.
ended with good music and a calmer spirit.


i ended up not going to work today.
i felt like I would not have been productive anyway.
so i colored my hair--purple brown
i bought myself a pair of dreamcatcher earrings,
went to watch my one of my lil sis' gig in makati
and ended watch aquarella, a brazillian band, at monks dream
now that's pretty productive don't you think?

i've been doing alot of experiential learning the past few weeks,
loving the intellectual stimulation it brings.
been meeting people, appreciating other music genres....
been able to have a grand ol time...
making me say, "now this is why I love life!"
so to you bugs, you know who you are, my appreciation.
with my hand over my heart, i thank you.
you've been a great companion
a toast to more escapades!


upon getting home, i decide to check my email
and an email from a highschool friend came
so now m trippin on memories and was inspired to write in filipino,


para sa mga kaibigan nung panahon na simple pa ang buhay,
nung nagsisimula palang tayong hanapin ang ating indibidwalidad
ngayon may sarili nang mga buhay....
may mga pamilya...
napakarami na ng pinag daanan,
ngunit patuloy parin sa pagtuklas,
bumabangon sa bawat umagang darating.

kelan kaya tayo ulit magkikita kita?
miss ko na tayo.
inuman...
kantahan...
mga balik tanaw sa kahapon...
sa isang samahan na hindi mabubuag,
ng panahon o ng sinuman.

salamat sa inyo mga mare.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

strange how i fit into you,
there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease.
strange how you fit into me,
a gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs...
.:Vienna Teng:.


i'm tracing the contours of this puzzle piece. seems as though it can fit well, though it might need a bit of sanding...

rough as it is, yet i believe and hope that time can make the grooves much better. in the back of my mind i fight with doubt. i try so hard to demise the fact that he'll end up simply as just a part of the past's imprint. but part of me believes that when i get to fit all the pieces together, i can always hold that one fragment and remember the happiness it brought me.

i will forever be grateful...


people come into your life for
a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.
people that touch your life will NEVER be a just a coincidence.

Friday, July 18, 2003

HELLUVA NIGHT!

people with one mission for the night...drink, dance and simply to let go!

the realization that all work and no play makes DreamCatcher a dumb girl hit me tonight.
doesn't really mean that I'll be partying every single night.
not to mention the nature of my job won't permit such.
its just that I need that time where my main goal for the night is to enjoy.
that has not been so for the past month.
although I have been getting very positive evaluations from my boss, including a chance to be promoted,
i feel like I've been such a workaholic.
so last night i had the chance.

funny how the decision to go solo actually produced an awesome night.
we celebrated chavis and yanna's birthday at Xaymaca.
jiLL was there to capture the moments ( nice to see ya gurl!)
the best reggae party to date.
booze, sessi0n road and dancing is a sure fire hit!
the best surprise was the people I met that night.
we may never cross paths again or recognize each other (blame it on the smb lite) if we see each other.
but what mattered was that very moment when everyone just wanted to let their hair loose.
although a group made a scene with a gun, that never stopped us.
Nor did it stop the energy in Xaymaca.

truly a helluva a night!

Monday, July 14, 2003

Happy Deathday!
Your name:DreamCatcher
You will die on:Sunday, December 4, 2033
You will die of:Ritual Sacrifice
Username:
Created by Quill

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Dearest Dreamcatcher,

An old friend of mine once told me that falling inlove again is like being way up high on the hill looking down on a calm river that could soothe the pain of the scorching sun. You cannot see how deep it is from where you're standing. But it looks inviting, tempting.

Either you go down to the hill and test the waters for shallow rocks.

Or (as crazy as you are) just dive in.

Love is taking chances, it is also letting go to the feeling that envelopes you, trusting your instincts, having faith in yourself, and never ever be scared of getting hurt for you know you'll heal. Love's a rollercoaster, and everyone wants a seat.

And when you jump off that hill, you'll never be the same again.

Diary.


Posted: Jul 12 2003, 12:21 PM @ SMB Forums

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

there is a whole world out there and I had to see it...
if I tell life what it has to be you limit it.
but if you let it show you what it wants to be, it will open doors you never knew existed.
Andre, from the movie "Tortilla Soup"


what is it I still seek?
there is uneasiness in me.
is as if I am looking for something.
significance of my existence?
is it recognition of my efforts?
could it be love?

cigarette in hand, music engulfing me. I let myself loose amongst my thoughts. that maybe in this moment before I let the career take hold once more, I might find some answers. or is it a way to console myself. because for someone that believes in exploring and letting the world open up to her, I am not doing that well. I let career rule me instead of me being in control. maybe, just maybe, I am doing or thinking something wrong. i wouldn’t really know, cause life never came with a manual. on the beautiful side, so far I still manage.

i still love life, that is what matters
I still hold on to my dreams, knowing that a step at a time...
I’ll get there.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
People around you might think that you have never matured, dear Gemini, and that you still have the mind of a child. It might not seem obvious at first, but your light-hearted attitude is also a symbol of great wisdom. As with those who have truly committed to long-term romances, you will find out that you will never lose your light-heartedness.

so true!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2003

QUERIES

why do the accounts keep pouring in one after the other?
what happend to the other team members i have?
will the time come that i can take some rest after every training session?
who is listening to me anyway?
when will this crunch time end?
do i make sense?

Sunday, June 15, 2003

QUESTIONS TO YOU

Why is my patience dwindling?
Why am I restless?
Is as if I suddenly have lost faith in destiny
I told myself that would be the last time I would talk about it
That I would focus on career and wait
Trusting that when that time comes I would just know
Then why this feeling
‘tis as if loneliness creeps in
Planting doubts in my heart
Then taking its poison, attacks my mind
Making me pose questions
That I seem to know the answers to
And yet I am blinded.
Selfishly wanting, NOW.
Great Spirit, fill me with assurance
Let my mind stop its wandering
And my heart be still

Only you.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

WEEKEND REST

it was a choice to get double pay or to take the day off because of the holiday.
i chose the later
i need to rest
i don't want another burnout right after my vacation.

sometimes i think i'm doing something wrong with my job
that my boss thinks like i'm not giving my best
i find it hard to work up to his standards
that i just constantly remind myself that i just have TO DO my job
if he finds it inadequate i still know i gave it my best shot
its hard to have a boss who's married to his chosen profession

as for me its all about balance
that between your job and the things that matter to you
the people that matter too
right now its challenging to find that balance
work demands too much while things are happening around you
guess that makes it more exciting...

sigh

Thursday, June 12, 2003

SHOTGUN POETRY

ahhh...
what did I expect from this good friend
great poetry from the heart.
these poems will be on exhibit in Manifesto, a bar in Timog
i will post the dates when i get them
we would like to hear what you think of it as well!
so leave me your comments

check it out...


Thursday, June 05, 2003

STANDING ON MY OWN

its final.
they're moving away.
all i feel is fear.
of not having the comfort zone of them being near.
that incase i make a boo boo, they can come and help me.
and as were a lost and confused little girl,
i find myself emotional.
distressed and afraid.
thought i have been living independently for 8 months now.
i am still scared.
now more than ever i want to tell them i love them.
it takes this separation, for us to lower our emotional defenses.
A YEAR OLDER

isolation from the world. be alone with my thoughts. there is a need for me to look back after 2 weeks of being too preoccupied with my so-called career. i feel like my life is too messy (again =p) at this point and i need this day to clean-up. to be able to feel that i DID turn a year older. a tad bit more mature (?).

it would be nice to have a talk with myself now that i'm 26. sounds weird? heck, i'm different anyway =p i've always been. yet i still have managed to lead a good life. not perfect. but one that has taken me to a lot of places and taught me things.

though at times i don't understand why things in my life have to happen the way they do. but as they say there are times that you have to just go with the flow. a few questions here and there. then you gotta do it anyway and anyhow. then after a few days or months you realize, things DO happen for a reason. like why i had to move away or take that 1 month leave.

amidst everything that has happened to me, i am thankful that i am still enjoying life. that means i still have the ooportunity to do alot of things.
to explore more.
to influence
to love...

life goes on!


to you Great Spirit...thank you for all the blessings. for 26 years you have sustained me. and though i could be a stubborn little girl at times, you have been patient.

Monday, June 02, 2003

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

reminiscent
longing
missing
that of being loved and loving back

questioning
doubting
puzzled
of its non-existence in my life

raining
cold weather
being alone
thoughts flooding my mind makes me want it more

patience
belief
faith in destiny
that it will come at the right time

Sunday, June 01, 2003

UNEXPECTED GIFT

i thought my birthday ended.
my friends picked up from starbucks because we had to pick up other friends and catch the last full show.
indeed we caught a good show.
their show.


i said i needed to use the bathroom. when i came in the lights were off.
when it came back on...SURPRISE!!!!
flowers, balloons and even streamers saying "happy birthday"
everywhere.
everything was in purple too. even the roses.
i said to myself "wow, i feel so special."
and i thought my birthday was just a passing day.


the day started out like a bullet missing its target.
but it ended well.


to my friends,
a big kiss and my heart full of thanks.
it was such an unexpected gift. all the acting paid off!
galing nyong umarte! pang famas
to rachel and jansi, what can say but SALAMAT! we have indeed gone through alot! and still here we are FRIENDS!
to ched...next time you have to be there
i love you my soulsisters!!!


i am so blessed.
thank you my abba. thank you for life and the situations that make you celbrate a day at a time.
UNEXPECTED EVENTS

i had a long day at work yesterday.
went home and realized my keys were not in bag.
called up jansi since she has her set of keys
but she said it would take them 30mins to get home
that was the longest wait outside the door of my own house.
stooofid me to forget!

i was preparing for the SMB EB
but i felt i just needed to lie down a bit
i woke up 2 hours after, LATE!
panicked, i called persh up and asked
if she knew the numbers of the people.
she got them for me, good thing inababes was already in megamall
it was easier to coordinate.

finally we found jonathan and 11th
at starbucks megamall
but them my housemates had to pick me up
so i had to bid them goodbye and apologize.
i wasnt even able to talk that long.

it was one exhausting day but it ended well.

to inababes...thanks for being patient, i was late again...some things don't change huh?
to jon and 11th...nice to meet you guys! sa uulitin...i'd block the day.
to joy ...i'm really sorry you had to wait with no avail...bonk me in the head...wag malakas ha

Friday, May 30, 2003

i'm tired.
extremely exhausted.
and yet i still go on.
i promised to never overwork myself with this job.
but here i am still at the office.
on MY special day.
what can be more pathetic.


i could have been in xaymaca last night.
my favorite hangout.
with my favorite band
playing the songs i want to hear.
with the people that matter.
but i was stuck in the office training.
with a 5am telecon.
what can be more sad.


please my abba.
take my sadness.
let my heart learn to smile despite the exhaustion.
make this day be significant.
let this day be special

Sunday, May 25, 2003

MEANTIME GIRL

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh.
She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend.
She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.
She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either.
She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light.
She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by.
She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.
But she's cool,and nice, and funny, and attractive tough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.
You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.
You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her.
She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need.
And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.
It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you.
She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.
She's just so cool...why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.
You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with.
Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to.
But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off.
Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.
Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want)in a woman.
So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd.
She's safe.
She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room.
But she wants to turn someone's head.
She wants to be special to someone, too.
We all do.

She has feelings.
She has a heart.
In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.
She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl.
Been one more times than I care to admit.
I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care.
I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too.
A lot.
And someday we won't be around.


~An anonymous meantime girl~

nope its not something i wrote.
it was emailed by a friend.
i just had to post it up.
feel free to comment.
my reaction?
i can totally relate!

Friday, May 23, 2003

A LOVE LETTER

to the one man that I will forever be grateful to.

You demonstrated unconditional love. If there was one man that showed me it was possible it’s you. Though everyday was a test of the limits of your patience, you stretched it if only to show me how much you truly cared. You understood and cared despite my stubbornness and immaturity. You saw me at my best and worst yet when you look at me you saw a woman capable of anything she dreamed of.

You taught me to appreciate simple things. Good things come in small packages, you believed in that. Giving me material possessions was not your style; instead you gave me wings and took me to places. Instead of buying me flowers, you took me to gardens where I was surrounded with all the flowers my mind can keep. When others were expecting me to act like a lady, you took pride in my individuality. You respected me for who I was then and who I can become. In some way you knew I would need to do things my way in order to learn, all that while you remained silent but present. Ready to catch me when I fall.

You showed me how to survive. It was a difficult world we both agreed. You knew that it could be more difficult for women. You helped me realize that being a woman is no excuse. We just needed to stand up for what we believed in. We could do it if we put heart and soul into everything we do. That’s how you survived as well. I know now that words can be worthless but actions are more reliable.

You gave me inspiration. That to live and lead a fulfilled life. When I showed you my poems you told me to write more. You bought me pastels when I started taking up a knack for drawing. You were there to give applause after every performance, and flowers when our indie film came out. And when I made wrong decisions, you gave me words of wisdom and still bailed me out.

You taught me how to love. A love for life. To experience giving oneself to the people that matter. A love that does not have boundaries. The same one you gave me.

People may have opinions of the connection that we have. We had our fights, times that we felt we couldn’t understand one another. Yet in the face of all those circumstances we had a lot of happy moments. The lunch dates that we took in McDonalds, the walks along the camp, trips to the mall, talks we had about anything and everything. Those are the times that we could always look back to when we feel alone. How I wish that we could do those once again. But circumstances change. There was a need for me to find who I really am. And though it was hard on you, you willingly gave me the space to seek out that independence. What more can a woman ask for?

You gave me life. It’s my turn to show my appreciation. To make you proud. To love someone the same way you loved me. Though I feel sad that we now lead separate paths. Know that I will always be praying for blessings. at this time that you are being tested for character, i know you will come out a stronger person with integrity. you are not alone, there are people that care and know who you really are. But then it was you who told me that things happen for a reason, all we had to have was faith and everything will make sense in the end.

Be strong now my dear soldier.

And keep in your heart that I will forever love you.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

why do they have to do this?
they assured me training wouldn't happen at the same time and that's exactly what's happening!
why can't the learn to SCHEDULE?
geeeesh! grrrrr....
release...
now back to work.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

THE DREAMERS

The universe will conspire to those who dream.

they dare you to dream. That of what you really want in life. Not tugging in tow the restrictions that so called reality dictates. What I urge you is to look into yourself and tell me what you see. in the face of the norms that have been imposed, have we really paused to think what it is we truly want. dreamers have been misunderstood for being escapists and cowards. But what is twisted in creating a world for where everything and anything is possible? To them, there is no limit as to where their minds can take them. Absurd to some, dreamers gain power in visualizations. For each scene is painted by the colors that exist only in one’s heart and each stroke is a manifestation of what is precious. And when one wants something so much, they give themselves the potential of making them real. it is in knowing what you want that you take step by step, endure situation upon situation because you know there will be something of value at the end. Dreamers, create their goal and never take their eyes off of it. They run the race to the finish. And when they see the hurdles they spontaneously conceive of ways to go over them. When a dream is envisioned, will power is unleashed. nothing can stop them. But it starts in knowing what is priceless. To look inside your heart, amidst its clutter, and painting your own reality. At times, it maybe against the norms. But you know that there is nothing to loose in knowing. Take the dare, have the courage and realize what it is to dream.

Friday, May 16, 2003

SESSION ROAD'S 5TH ANNIVERSARY

another night well spent at Xaymaca! and last night was really rockin and groovin, since my favorite alternative band was celebrating their 5th anniversary. alot of people there that i knew fro wherever my journeys have taken me. i never they would like the smae music i do. ahhh...the power of music in connecting people. hey, i even saw jiLL! nice to see ya gurl. happy birthday sessiOn road!! may you make more heart meant music. thanks for the poetry hannah, chavi, jv, richard and coy.

cheers!!!

Monday, May 12, 2003

AN ODE to FRIENDSHIP

a story of a woman's journey

she had met alot of people along the way. by some, she had been hurt. but the Great Spirit was kind to her for she had a handful that were true. those that embrace her for who she truly is. those that saw beyond the characters she sometimes were accustomed to play from time to time. those that went beyond the physical and material, but looked into her spirit. with them, she fears not of being judged rather she is understood. she knows that despite her failures, these people stretches out a hand and helps her back to her feet. they are those that remind her to live life to the fullest. they continue to stand by her. for ehn one is weary the other is strong. when one cannot see the road ahead, the other shall be a guide. and when one forgets the song of life, the other shall it for her.

know that this woman wants you to know how much she values you. you, that she calls a friend and considers her sister or brother. she is prepared to sing the song of life any time, any place.

she loves you with her life. for that is all she can give that is truly hers.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

FROM AN EAGER ANGEL TO A DISTRESSED SOUL

why do you doubt the care people have for you? Help us understand your confusion, break down your walls. Though at the end of the day, in the silence of your chambers, you may surrender to depression we utter blessings of protection. Command thy heart to be steadfast, for then healing starts to seep in. Onward dear soldier, you that we truly consider of our blood, let not circumstances take away your will to fight.

Friday, May 09, 2003

A BEACH LIFE

during dinner at fazolis in eastwood they had Blue Crush playing on the big screen.
and i wanted to enter into the screen.
i wanted to have THAT kind of life! a life that's laid back, house by the beach, learn to surf, no pressures!
and the fact that i can swim whenever i want.
when?? when will i be able to have this dream?
is too impossible?
and i thought the universe conspires with a dreamer...

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

i just finished reading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. amazing philosophies, most of them I agree with. i like the way he composes his thoughts, it’s as if he went through all the possible avenues that that certain thinking can take. the way he questions what crazy really meant? the concept of being normal as simply a consensus among people. and that for the so-called insane person to be cured all they need an awareness of life. when I had finally put the book down all I could do was to clap.

a toast to you mr. coelho!

another book wherein you can identify yourself with the characters at a certain point in your life. it gets you to reflect on how you lead your own life.

are we just merely staying in the bounds of what is normal because of the fear of rejection from the consensus of the world around us?

are we robbing ourselves of the opportunity of experiencing the miracles of life because we are afraid of taking risks?
I am suffering from a lack of responses to an apparent opportunity. its not toward something big. its simply not knowing how to spend an unexpected extra day. it could have been a different scene all together if I probably had a lot of extra cash on me then I would probably be in the mall watching one movie after another. a way to discover a multitude of characters and worlds without having to spend a lot.

I still have hours before I have to rest for an early appointment with the office tomorrow. I am left with blogging. Not that I don’t find writing my thoughts down good output of my time. could this be the consequence of living the decision of remaining in this career. That when I was determined that I was staying I psyched myself up that I would be back to living a very routine life. now that out of the blue I have a free day I am unprepared to find something to do. …sigh…

I think too much. I don’t know why I do but I find it innate. Its like when an idea crosses my mind instant reaction is…lets ponder and analyze. don’t go saying I’m crazy because I share this standard response with a few close friends. I guess it comes from having four years of the scientific method being enforced upon my brain from my science high school.
I just finished reading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. amazing philosophies, most of them I agree with. I like the way he composes his thoughts, it’s as if he went through all the possible avenues that that certain thinking can take. the way he questions what crazy really meant? the concept of being normal as simply a consensus among people. and that for the so-called insane person to be cured all they need an awareness of life. when I had finally put the book down all I could do was to clap.

a toast to you mr. coelho!

another book wherein you can identify yourself with the characters at a certain point in your life. it gets you to reflect on how you lead your own life.

are we just merely staying in the bounds of what is normal because of the fear of rejection from the consensus of the world around us?

are we robbing ourselves of the opportunity of experiencing the miracles of life because we are afraid of taking risks?



posted on:  an old blog
there are defeats. no one can avoid them. but its better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what your fighting for...
from I Sat Down by the River Piedra and Wept by Paulo Coelho

Monday, May 05, 2003

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

I went to Pampanga last Saturday for the christening of a friend's first born son. So some highschool friends and their partners were there to celebrate the occassion. Little did we know that it was also to reignite the friendship bonds.

Highschool were my formative years. It was the first time that I stayed put at a school long enough to form really lasting friendships. It were also the years that you try out a lot of things you will either never do again or take them with you in life. It was FUN! And what made it even more memorable were the people that came into my life.

We called ourselves, ECDCF, El Circulo de Clandestina Forca. According to Y it meant The Circle of Underground Power. Seven women who spoke their minds, attracted to the special kind of power that is found in oneself and the world around us. It was funny how we all partnered up to go to the three UP campuses, one went to CRC. Despite going on seprate paths, we managed to always meet up and check on each other during those college years.

Now that four have their own children, we still are part of each others lives. After last Saturday, i can truly say, I am blessed with my friends. Thank you guys.

To those that have gone astray, we are still waiting for the day you let us into your lives again.

Saturday, May 03, 2003

ahhh...now i see the benefits of being so near Eastwood...LUNCH BREAK...you head on to Jack's Loft to eat...its 1am...after 30minutes you head to the Basement...shake your booty a bit...drink a bottle...smoke 2 luckies..its 2am....i think i need a coke....back to work!

Thursday, May 01, 2003

ALL IN A WEEK'S WORK

Finally I have time to surf and most of all blog! After 3 days of being stuck in a training room and listening to things I already know about (i trained with them when I was still new in the training team). I gets boring after a while. Now I'm back in our office with a view of Eastwood City! Beautiful!

HE'S BACK...After 8 months of finally moving on, i see him again. *Enter background song: Its All Coming Back to Me by Celine Dion. What really sucks, is I have to work with him and make their stay as pleasing as possible. The dilemna is...How can I be true to myself and still be professional enough to do my job? He has hurt my bestfriend. And now I have to endure being close to him? Not to mention I am at his beck and call. This is torture!!! We'll I'm not sure what acting professional is right now...but hey I'm doing my best!

PAMPANGA TRIP...This weekend I'm heading out to Pampanga with my higschoool barkada. Its Basti's (our barkada's first born son) christening. This is going to be a fun reunion! I'm not so sure I can stay overnight though! At least I get to see old friends and reminisce those formative highscool years!

ABSENCE...Since one of our clients are here, I have to babysit, thus missing Xaymaca Night! I am so itching to get out of here. As I write, its !0:30 pm and by now Session Road has started with its first set. Solution....play reggae songs on WinAmp3 and create a Xaymaca-ish atmosphere in the office. Beer nga dyan! Oh well better than nothing!

Phew!!! Guess I'm really back to working life! Can't wait to have enough money to take a trip to Puerto Galera again! I just need to touch base with the sea and nature! Watch the sun set behind the Rockies.

If home is where the heart is....then Puerto Galera is home!

Friday, April 25, 2003

PAUSE.....PLAY

its like i've been away for a such a long time (duh what's 1 month!) but there have been a lot of changes to the people around me that I have to cope up with.

AHHH XAYMACA...this is definitely one of the places i missed when i went on vacation. i was looking for a reggae bar in thailand but i didnt find any. last night was just great. i had my favorite bottle on one hand, listening to Session Road, seeing that "aliw guy" again, i had "el" with me and people were dancing all around us! my xaymaca come back would have been more exciting if my soul sisters were there. JiLL, was nice t o finally meet you in person. I'll looking forwarding to bumping into you every now and then...see ya!

AFTER XAYMACA FOODFEST... we couldn't go to Mr. Kabab for a reason i will just accept and respect. so it was burger machine instead. the one infront of ABS CBN. jumbo bart burger with cheese and coleslaw, yum-eee! it doesnt really matter where as long as I was able to spend time with "el" and my soul bro. i miss special chelo kabab though and persian guy.

OH NO NIGHT SHIFT AGAIN...it was really a reminder that the pass month was simply a pause at life, now that its back to play it means not having much time for carpe diem nights as we call it. not being able to see certain people that have occupied my life for almost a month. rather its back to thinking about skills and the methodologies i need to use for my trainees to learn them.

CATCHING UP....people gone from work, friends having problems and seeing my "crushie" enjoy working. some of the things that have changed in a month. i had a talk with a friend that will always have a space in my heart, and he was having serious and emotionally-draining problems. he couldn't even smile anymore. sad that he used to have so much energy and i really enjoyed the time i spent with him. now he looks tired and there is much confusion in his eyes. he even blames himself. well like he said he has to figure this out by himself. i treasure this friend and i wish him happines and more creativity in life. to you...know that i will forever be a call away, i miss our coffee times. alot has happend and i was not here to experience it.

well i had managed to pause my life but eventually i would have to resume. hit the play button. i'll get by!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

BACK TO WORK

yup...back to work indeed! we do have a new office now (just a floor below) and now we have more privacy, which is good. I still feel unmotivated (is there such a word?) and i still did my delaying tactics this morning. guess my vacation wasn't really as productive as they would have wanted it. *sigh*

i talked to my boss and the deal was 3 months to commit and i might go back to school. or if i get the offer at the other "center" then its only a month that i can offer. i still don't know what i really want to do. but one thing i learned from all my mind-boggling thinking during my break, was that i really have to take it as it comes. i don't know its simply a mystery....

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

SAN JUAN, BATANGAS


guess the picture says it all...san juan was fun and realxing...laugh trips...bloody moon...roasting marshmalow...grooving to session road songs 8o's tunes....reggae rules....good for the body, the best for the soul....

Saturday, April 12, 2003

REALITY CHECK

vacation's over. I'm back in manila.

simply means gotta go fight my demons again. ahhh career choice demons once more. a very tough one between what my heart wants and what will enable me to survive. just the thought of this makes my head throb. to practical or follow the road towards my dreams. sigh!

as of now i am leaning towards being practical. don't get me wrong i am not totally shelving arts and culture, its just a "now" thing. i need to survive. maybe- and i stress on the unsure part of this- i can save up some money then gear towards what i really see myself doing. its so hard to be nice and energetic when you don't have a roof on your head or if your stomach is empty.

this sounds so easy...but it never is. oh Great Spirit, it is your guidance i need!!

Thursday, April 10, 2003

BANGKOK

its so similar to Manila. tomorow i will have a day to myself. my parents will be going on a whole day trip to Ayuttaya, one of the ancient capitals of Thailand. I decided to stay in Bangkok since I would like to go to Jim Thompson's House. A museum that showcases authentic Thai interior design. That interests me more than the ruins of Ayuttaya though if I could just pick both I would. I am also decided to give Khao San Road a visit tomorrow. I learned so much about Thailand culture today that I am pretty much interested to explore more about it.

There's been a slight change in plans. My Dad needs to be in a meeting by Saturaday and so we booked a flight back on that day. That means we will be missing out the Songkran Festival. Dang it! Not to mention I will not be seeing Iwan and Chris! I am praying for a miracle though that my Dad will give me enough money to stay one more day. I can even live on Khao San even if it will on a tight budget. Oh soul sisters I wish you were here with me.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Hmmm...it's my last full day in Pattaya and I will be headed to Bangkok by noon of tomorrow. That means goodbye beach. Noooo...i don't want to go!!!!

Well so far I have been to Nong Nooch Garden which a huge garden with almost everything pretty in it. They had a French Garden, Temple Replicas, a huge English Garden, Orchid and Bromeiliad Gardens. The best one was a full Stonehenge Replica!! I think I know my alternative place to make a life time committment. Now to find a groom...tsk tsk...not an easy task.

I think this trip was not necessarily for me. I believe it was more of for my Dad. He needs time away from all the pressures of his job. Here he is free to roam the streets without thinking of what people will say. No one knows him here. Well Papa, enjoy!

As for me this trip has been an eye opener that indeed I thrive in adventure and exploration. I love being able to roam the streets and try to figure out their language- mind you it is no easy task. I also realize I have a different energy when I'm near the beach. As I said the beaches here are too crowded but still I just get a boost of energy when I'm near it and can see it.

As for the decisions that are waiting for me back home. Well, just one thing...i'll be taking it a day at the tiome. Who knows I might juist go back to school. Or better yet move to a new country. As for now I need to go back and tie up loose ends! I love holidays...makes it easier to think.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

SOUTH PATTAYA, THAILAND

in a resort called Sigma in JomTien Beach, is the place I will be calling home for the nest 5 days. Finally I have found an internet shope that is not so expensive, so now I will be able to at least blog and check my mail.

The view from our room is simple spectacular! I had to take tons of pictures because of the that. The people are very friendly except that I really need to explain myself everyime I need something. Most of the people speak Thai and they have a hard time with english, even their keyboard is in Thai! But its been a blast exploring! I would have loved to go to the beaches but its a bit crowded, so i believe the hotel pool would do just fine. we might take some tours tomorrow to the Elephant Village and the Nong Nooch Botanical Gardens.

i just got news that we will be in Bangkok in time for the Thai New Year, that would be something to look forward to. There so much to do here and I can see that he's having a good time himslef. We spent the morning looking through brochures and I haven't done that with him for the longest time.

time to hit the pool!

Thursday, April 03, 2003

ISANG TULOG NALANG

one more day to rest and I'll be on my way!! I got some advice from Pipsy about the beaches in Pattaya. Oh well, i guess I need to find something to do at least. hmmm...

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

LAST TWO DAYS

went to the mall today to get my carry-on pack. i am so excited to the maximum definition of excited. i've basically packed my clothes, except for those i am still drying out right now. i'm planning on making a scrapbook of this trip so i've done my cut-outs as well. pray for safety on this trip and that my dad will be able to clear his mind of stress. guess everyone in the family needs this. hope i stay away from trouble. hee hee ™

Monday, March 31, 2003

AN OVER ACTIVE MIND

i said i will stop worrying, thinking and over analyzing and yet my mind remains to be in some hyper mode. even when my body is tired and needs sleep, my mind continues to churn and dreams have been abundant. this happen for more than a week now. confusing dreams, mixed characters-some i do not even know- and multiple situations that i cannot understand. they seem to be a cross between reality and a pseudo-world my overly creative imagination has painted. everytime i wake up, i am just stunned if not sweating from what had just transpired in my mind. i even feel it was too real. it could be just the excitement for my trip. or the pressure of having to make a decision when i get back.

its not that simple. i want to make a good decision but i wouldn't really know the outcome unless i take the risk right? i'll just let destiny take its course. though part of me prays so hard for a miracle anda sign that this is the time and i should take the turn. everything will turn out okay, how? i don't know, its a mystery! ain't that exciting...


LAST THREE DAYS

i can hear and feel the summon of the beach...the call of adventure...ahhh...almost there....

Saturday, March 29, 2003

A STORMY MIND

thought upon thought...
like waves hitting the shore on a stormy day...
from different directions they come,
some deep and senseless,
others vital and immediate...

after two weeks of thinking i couldn't take it any longer. it was too much. my poor mind is dead beat. its like one more thought process can snap that thin line. sleep was hard to achieve because my mind was too active. dreams were so vivid from all the activity in my brain. dark circles around my eyes are evidences of my plight. now a vow i take to stop thinking- and analyzing- and simply just listen. heeding the signs of destiny. resting my weary thoughts and having confidence in my dreams. i take it a day at a time.
6 DAYS TO GO...

still counting down till the day i set foot on another country...
to those that have wished me a safe trip...my appreciation.
to those that have given me tips...i look forward to doing all of them.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

9 DAYS AND COUNTING

ahhh then its off to a 10-day relaxing rendezvous. i really don't know where all the excitement is coming from. it could be from the fact that this will be my frist trip outside of the country. another reason could be that i just love to travel. or the opportunities to experience a different culture. the call of the beach...the new people i could be meeting.

limitless...right now i just looking forward to this vacation. away from the city, in a place where no one knows me. a trip to country with a very interesting (not to mention) rich culture.

this will be one great trip...no one will stop me from enjoying ...THAILAND here i come!

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

a SURGE of NEW PEOPLE

i am amazed by the influx of new people reading my blog. not to mention one of them knows a very close friend of mine. thank you dropping by my blog guys...again these are my thought processes that i just wanted to write down, maybe read back and see what lesson i learned from it...

Monday, March 24, 2003

A SIGH OF RELIEF

Thursday, March 20, 2003

WHEN DECISIONS ABOUND

There is something I still seek. Despite the abundance of rest and creativity that is overflowing, there is still a part of the puzzle that baffles me. Try so hard, I have to make sense of this and yet I end up mentally exhausted. The night lamp has been burning for days and my body clock confused. In search for at least a clue, but no luck.

Risk. Indeed it is constant in life. When we are afraid to paddle on till the river bend we never really know what lies around it. Most of us are paralyzed by the possibility of raging rapids that awaits us. Fear, the existence of it may rob us of opportunities that we may regret in the long run. But the question that prevails, are we ready to take the risk? Another word to consider, preparedness. Can we really prepare for everything? My belief is that we cannot, otherwise, I am going against my belief in faith and destiny. What then is pulling me back from taking the plunge? Could it be my not wanting to leave another comfort zone?

I had told myself that I would be true to myself. I can very well say I know what I want and what I see myself doing. And yet I am confronted with the anxiety of not being able to see it through. What ever happened to my enthusiasm for adventure and plunging into the unknown? Why is there inconsistency of what I would want and what I see myself I am capable of doing? Why do I continue to ask when it actually restricts me from making a move. I have become too much dependent on stability. But could we possibly achieve stability without the threat of failure?

Options and restrictions exist to every decision that we have to make. But I go by the motto of Carpe Diem. It may seem to some as a hindrance, yet I have always considered my being a free-spirit as a strength rather than a weakness. We can never know what tomorrow brings. We may prepare to the best of our ability just to be slapped with a totally different scenario the next day. Then our attempts to be prepared were simply a waste of time. We wouldn’t even know if we would be here the next day.

I have enjoyed living my life and I am proud of that. It may be unconventional and yet I know that it has given me valuable lessons, ones I would not trade for any other experience. I know i would make a decision i'l stand up to. Whatever that is, is for me to find out...

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

things happen for a reason...this thought helps me remain calm at this moment. otherwise i would have been banging my head to the wall.

i can't believe i woke up 20 minutes after the scheduled departure for DFA. i was preparing for this all night and just like that i made it slip. i just wanted to shout at myself...WHY DIDN'T I WAKE UP??? to top it off, when i checked my phone, i had a text message from my mom saying she hopes i will be at DFA today! i think i'll be in trouble.

i'm stressing myself i know. but in times like this i don't know how to control the feeling of frustration. i'm torn between...there's nothing else i can do at the moment but wait for the agency to open... and the thought that, maybe i should just rush to DFA and maybe i'll find them there. as for the latter, it'll be a total waste of resources though. plus i don't even have a working phone!

great spirit, i seek for the emotional waves to be calm and may there be peacefulness to know what to do. knowing the importance of this trip to my family and myself i pray so hard that i will NOT do anything to jeopardize it. may i take in the lesson from this situation with a spirit that is humble. great spirit, i eagerly ask for a chance to make this situation right. amen.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

tonight i was able to have a long talk- over beer and pizza- with a very good friend that is actually also one of my bosses. i really appreciate that talk. we really have a similar outlook in life and we just babbled on forever. another person in my support group that i value.

his advice...STOP ASKING...

i guess he was right. i dwell too much on things and i analyze it until my head feels like a prune. i believe that i do know what i want. i'm just afraid to get out of my comfort zone. well i guess it time to take the plunge. take the risk.

i believe.

Friday, March 14, 2003

we've been back from Puerto Galera since Tuesday. yet my heart forever remains there. it seems like that was reality and being back in Manila is but a mirage. it was truly a wonderful time. our soul brother was able to make it with a friend and we were able to spend some time with them. all in all, each watch tower got a renewal of energy from the beach. now its time to sit down and make time to think about some decisions. most of us are in the crossroads of certain life changing decisions. it maybe in the different aspects of our lives yet each move is a vital one. different strokes for different folks, yet each heart connected. right now we are just looking out for each other. i've got the best people to back me up, so i know i can do this.

its thursday night...XAYMACA night! we just got back from watching our brother at his gig. we were also able to talk to him about his crossroad. for him its, "so many women, so little time." overwhelming? indeed. well i guess he will be the only one to know what he should do. as usual we are just here to support him. bro, you know were just here for you!

Saturday, March 08, 2003

its off to go home for me and my soul sisters

to Puerto Galera it is...to the beach...to our haven...our soul brother will join us by sunday....this will surely be interesting and a wel deserved vacation...and we will try to post pictures!

Thursday, March 06, 2003

XAYMACA

Three Red Horse beers after...I was sliding down the bark like structure of a bench by the door of new tambayan. I was enjoying it. It felt good to be light headed not minding what I had to worry about or analyze. We had a long day at work and it felt as if all my brain cells just went on low batt. It was a good night to share with friends. We had as few beers and wonderful resounding laughter. Its funny how we can actually have fun despite certain circumstances if the three of us stick together.

We also got more roses today. Now its up on our wall, waiting for them to dry.

After each night out, its off to Mr. Kabab. A Persian restaurant that serves the best chelo kebabs and the proximity that we will cherish. Here our soul brother joins us. It was a very light atmosphere that night. Rachel was drunk and just yapping for one straight hour. Wow! Talk about marathon. Then Rachel and Coy with the Special participation of Hanz, put their minds together to come up with a story about Radio Active *toot*. They actually sounded serious. Then by 4am, i automatically dropped on my bed and just slept...

Its nice to spend time and the giggles with close friends. i am genuinely blessed.

Saturday, March 01, 2003

what is romance?

hey guys i just wanted to share what a thai woman answered when asked what romance is...

romance is so hard to describe. and it depends on the person.
it's not the material possesions, a room full of flowers, dinner
under the moonlight, or even a 5 carat lucida cut diamond ring.

romance to me is telling my new boyfriend
that i think i'm pregnant and it's not his...
and he still stands by me and rocks me
to sleep in the midst of tears.

when telling him that we don't have "our" song yet.
and he later takes me to the park and
ask me to dance. no music. just the silence
of the night. and he holds me tight and tells me that this is 'our' song.

when explaining to him why i love a
particular painting. and the whole
time he just stares at me in such a
way that it makes me feel as if he's
touching me. sumthing almost like.
his eyes touching me. and at the end he just says, you're amazing. i love you.

the little things that matter. of all the places
we've been to together. he always picked
up a stone. kept it and used a marker to write the
place and the date where he got the stone from.
and he presents me with a little pouch. full of
stones from all the places we've been to. to
outsiders they are just stones. to me. they are moments.

to me. that is romance.

by teazor

Friday, February 28, 2003

THE IRREVERSIBLE CRUSH OF LOVE


its funny how love sometimes work. i on one hand have had good experiences. yet i learn the other side of it from my friends. those that i have seen shattered and whose hearts are crushed by this so called love.

i have two friends who have felt this irreversible crush of love. friends that are close to my heart.

one was a woman with such a beautiful heart but so often hurt that she put up a very hard outer personality. then she met this guy. he was wonderful at first. so let her guard down and feel so deeply inlove. then they made a long distance relationship work. then they got engaged. she practically compromised some dreams to be able to live a life with guy. she was willing to give up her career to live in Alaska. a year before they were to march down the aisle the guy dropped her like a hot potato. by this time she had built all her future with him in mind. without him in her life she was paralyzed. it was too late pick up on her career. now she's bouncing back. she survived but it too painful days and nights of questions and crying.

there is this other friend. he is a muscian. writes and sings the poetry of his heart. he went into the band scene for his woman. built the band for her. sang as an extension of their love. after five years of building their relationship as a band and as lovers, she ended it. now he knows not where to go, if it is right to pursue the band. i watched him play last night and it gripped my heart to see him distant and affected by each song they sung, especially the ones they wrote "together." i saw his muscle twitch evrytime there was a line that would remind him of their past. five years together, all he knew was a future they could have shared. now that its gone its hard for him to look beyond today. he says he lives in the moment, dragging each day and what it brings.

these two friends both built their world around someone and when their respective significant others left them it was as if they hit a wall. for my woman friend she had very good family to support her through the ordeal. she's doing better. but for my guy friend, he continues to live daily. he cannot see what future there is wthout his girl. i do not know how his support system is and that makes me worried. although I know he has me and my souls sisters. i pray hard he gets through everything.

its hard to have seen dear friends hit a wall bad and cannot even get up because of the gravity of the collison. that they cannot see beyond the tears and the pain. if there was something I could do to ease the weeping of their spirits I would do it. yet I also also know that things happen for a reason, and that this is something they have to learn from. I love my friends dearly and it makes me sad when I see beautiful hearts being slashed. I am afraid that the shells they will will build around be too hard for them to experience a love greater than what they have experienced. all i can do now is give them my shoulder to cry on and open my arms to give them a hug.

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