THE IRREVERSIBLE CRUSH OF LOVE


its funny how love sometimes work. i on one hand have had good experiences. yet i learn the other side of it from my friends. those that i have seen shattered and whose hearts are crushed by this so called love.

i have two friends who have felt this irreversible crush of love. friends that are close to my heart.

one was a woman with such a beautiful heart but so often hurt that she put up a very hard outer personality. then she met this guy. he was wonderful at first. so let her guard down and feel so deeply inlove. then they made a long distance relationship work. then they got engaged. she practically compromised some dreams to be able to live a life with guy. she was willing to give up her career to live in Alaska. a year before they were to march down the aisle the guy dropped her like a hot potato. by this time she had built all her future with him in mind. without him in her life she was paralyzed. it was too late pick up on her career. now she's bouncing back. she survived but it too painful days and nights of questions and crying.

there is this other friend. he is a muscian. writes and sings the poetry of his heart. he went into the band scene for his woman. built the band for her. sang as an extension of their love. after five years of building their relationship as a band and as lovers, she ended it. now he knows not where to go, if it is right to pursue the band. i watched him play last night and it gripped my heart to see him distant and affected by each song they sung, especially the ones they wrote "together." i saw his muscle twitch evrytime there was a line that would remind him of their past. five years together, all he knew was a future they could have shared. now that its gone its hard for him to look beyond today. he says he lives in the moment, dragging each day and what it brings.

these two friends both built their world around someone and when their respective significant others left them it was as if they hit a wall. for my woman friend she had very good family to support her through the ordeal. she's doing better. but for my guy friend, he continues to live daily. he cannot see what future there is wthout his girl. i do not know how his support system is and that makes me worried. although I know he has me and my souls sisters. i pray hard he gets through everything.

its hard to have seen dear friends hit a wall bad and cannot even get up because of the gravity of the collison. that they cannot see beyond the tears and the pain. if there was something I could do to ease the weeping of their spirits I would do it. yet I also also know that things happen for a reason, and that this is something they have to learn from. I love my friends dearly and it makes me sad when I see beautiful hearts being slashed. I am afraid that the shells they will will build around be too hard for them to experience a love greater than what they have experienced. all i can do now is give them my shoulder to cry on and open my arms to give them a hug.

MUSIC FROM THE SOUL


Now I know how it is to sing from the soul. Truly every note counts. And the melody that comes out even if it was meant to be fast ang happy, when the spirit is distressed or depressed it emanates.

To you my soul brother, the Great Spirit has a reason for bringing you to us. If it it for me to be a shoulder to lean on. I accept it with delight and eagerness.. If it is for me to learn from you then it is an honor. I know that you will surpass this dark night wherein the queries abound. Stand steadast young soldier. There is more to this life.

I keep that promise that you will always ahve a place in my life. Despite the circumstances I am drawn to your soul. Your cosmic waves reach me. I will look forward to the time you shall rise and reach your maximum potential. Thank you for sharing the spirit of what it is to be an eager angel. I will keep my promise. My heart goes out to you our soul brother. You will always be our soul brother. No matter what people may say we will be here for you. That is a promise I will keep.

There will always be something of our parents that exists in us. I am more of daddy’s little girl. Free-spirited. Easily excited. An explorer. Finds treasure in simple things. Awed by the splendor of nature. He finds happiness and a certain fulfillment in little things and simple displays of sincere friendships. I never really understood how he survived the strict structure of a military career. Now I do, its that challenge of achieving a dream you’ve held on to since childhood. I have that much of my father’s character in me.

Yet I am also like my mother. An attention seeker yet is driven to achieve. Never wanting to be alone, she puts pressure on herself to be the best. Friendship to her is quality over quantity. She is a fighter. A woman with the softest heart needing the hardest of shells.

They may not have been perfect. But raising three children is no joke. I wish I could have given them more appreciative words instead of witty rebellious statements. As I continue on my own journey, I will always have courage in me. In the same way my parent’s fought the years and gained wisdom. I too shall survive to tell my own children.

people have a way of hiding their truest emotions. like we put on a performance for people everyday. we have mastered the art of putting on make-up making ourselves presentable and going through our daily duties with skill. smiling and running around. but what we do not know is what happens to these people when they are in their own rooms. far from the audience's scrutinizing stares. it is then that the facade is removed, and we are stripped down to our barest soul.

there can be two reactions once the soul is exposed. that of belief and that of it being a lie. if we choose belief then we can actually connect and embrace the waves of emotions. or we can pretend its a lie, since that character has been tediously kept a secret. shoved into the closet each day before stepping out into - what we call- the real world. slowly that persona dies, and as we put it they become skeletons in our closet. memories, personalities or characters that once was a part of us, yet knowing people will and may react negatively we hide them. until the time we have to clean it out.

i have my own skeletons that i kept out of site. being emotional. the insecurity that i might never be sucessful. the fear that i end up being alone. of not meeting the standards my parents have set. of not making my father proud of me. of being a daughter instead of a son. i let these control me. either giving too much to cover up or giving too little so as not be expected much of.

now i open that closet door. like a pandora's box everything is released. to be able to face each one and set the record straight. it time to be able to move on. to realize that i have grown weary by the daily performance i put up with for 25 years. no more I say. this is me. i have survived things that other people may not understand. it has been a battle for my sanity. now it will be a fight to live the life given to me. to be able to truly say I have made the most of my life.

we will never know when it is time. what matters is the memories you leave behind. to bring a smile to a friends face when they look back at your life. to make the memory of each time spent immortal, kept safe in each heart's journal and scrapbook. each entry priceless...so now I live each moment to the fullest...my audience may say i am emotional yet that is no longer what i live for. indeed i am drama. i have heard my soul music and i will now dance to it with gusto...

twas as if my heart was gripped. i couldn't really understand if it was the years apart or the reality that she was right infront of me. after 13 long years, i was crying on the way to see her. a friend I have have know almost all my life. i was able to hug her again. to show her how much she is a part of my life despite the distance. the 3 hours i spent with her while waiting for the airport doors to open was not enough. there was too many stories to cover. too many developments and the fact that we were no longer children just waiting for our parents to tell us what to do next. we were now adults making our way in the world. living up to our own decisions and learning the lessons of our failures. she is married now. and the wedding I missed. i guess I really am too emotional. but hey I am passionate about life and everything it offers.

i shall look forward to sunday and monday where I can truly spend time with her. for it now i long to experience...

having walked one morning with a friend...and wished the day would never end...

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finally...now i have something to look forward to. indeed there is a Great Spirit who knows the desires of His childs heart. who knows when the little girl from within cries out for direction and guidance. just one phonecall and my whole life takes on a different path. i am much challenge by this offer...not to mention excited. i know i can do this. with much passion and the skill...or at least give it all i've got. i am praying hard...New York here i come.

the CD i have waited for so longed has arrived. to you Vienna Teng, you music is truly healing. in an unexplainable way I have been lullabyed by it. thank you.

After what has happened this week, especially the weekend, I am now a stronger believer in what we call destiny and how the whole universe seems to move in choreography to it.

Sometimes it takes other people to make you appreciate life more. Despite frustrations, aspects of it, the mere gratitude with the sincerity coming from the heart can make any sadness go away. We may feel we are in a rut yet the moments friends share to make the most of any day makes life much bearable. The spontaneous laughter and the shared tears. They fuse together to form an unforgettable moment. A fragment in time that you play over and over when you seek to feel warmth of friends close.

To my soul sisters and I, it was a magical week. Happiness. Love. Friendship. Farewells. Decisions. Loneliness. Longing. Spontaneity. Laughter. Tears. Coming together to make life more real. More alive. Outbursts of our free-spirited soul.

We may have bid adieu to a friend and yet we gained one in the same breath. We went through our usual routine but found ourselves with different people. The ironies of life. The subtle conspiracy at play. These are the moments that leave you astounded. Puzzled yet thankful. Independent yet believing in a higher being.

As a new week rises to the horizon we will always look back at the weekend with awe. For me it has given me inspiration and hope that it will turn out ok and that I am not in this alone. I will forever have my family, friends and the Great Spirit that has never failed to show me how He truly knows the desires of my heart.

To Jansi…be steadfast and listen to the whispering of your heart. If the inspiration is great, take the leap. Always believe.

To Rachel…may you find your North Star. Despite the darkened heavens, there will always be that one bright star to follow.

To Coy…our soul brother…welcome to the journey, we look forward to having you with us. Indeed when a door closes, there will always be a window that opens. Take the path to knowing who you are once again. Continue to inspire people with the constant humming of the poetry in your heart.

February 14 - 21, 2003
the DE LA CRUZ COUSINS

i have spent time with the de la cruz cousins and i was just amazed by the relationship they have with one another. the respect. the protection they offer. the way they try to shield each other. to stand up against a stranger that may inflict harm. i could not help but look back my relationship with my cousins.

i thought that filipinos were more family centered. but why is it that i only have kept in touch with like 3 cousins. to think that we all live in the philippines. why can these dlc cousins that have lived the "american way" and scattered all over the US still be so close?
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17 February 2003
SBC Libis

Once again alone with my thoughts. Another Seattles moment. My heart willingly surrenders to my mind. Indeed I am still confused.

I had a dream two days back that I was preparing for a training session, I just told my class that I was going to get some papers in my station. On my way back to the training room, I couldn’t find my way back. I couldn’t find the room. Does that validate my feeling of being lost?

I thought that I have made progress in my life. That finally I have found the career for me. My dream job. Then why is it that I am no longer happy? It seems that the passion will not suffice. I have this impression that instead of contributing to the wholeness of my being, it robs me of precious time to do the things that really matter. Is it my carefree spirit getting in the way of success or is it my definition and the pride of being a successful career girl that’s getting in the way of my happiness. Questions flourish, bombarding my thought, yearning an answer from my heart.

I sense the need to ask myself, when is it that I am genuinely happy?

I am happy when I am by the beach hearing the waves crashing into the shore. It is when I am infront of an audience, and hear their laughter or applause. Sharing a cup of coffee with friends and talking about how we make the most out of each day in our lives. I get an extraordinary uplift when I am busy with my hands, creating something out of nothings. The play of colors when I start blending color after color of my oil pastels on a sheet of paper. The excitement when I am with children, running and playing with an innocence I will would never want to loose. That’s when I feel like a child again, daddy’s little girl. An image of a girl on the swing embracing the gush of wind as she sways through the air.

Then why am not happy? Why do I feel like I am stuck in a rut?

I still do not know the answer. And I have been struggling to climb out of the ditch I am in. But what I do know is, things happen for a reason. Maybe these series of situations and the burn-out that I feel, are simply encouraging me to expand beyond my comfort zones. Knowing that without risks there will be no battles won. As I have gone through the different chapters in my life I have equipped myself with the character, strength, courage and the wisdom. It is now time to start a new one.

What is there to write?
My grief? My pain?
My struggle to find myself?

Been asking myself for sometime now
Never really thought it was still in me
Poetry.

Yet like memories it is never lost
Merely replaced by yet another one
Much stronger, much recent
Built and matured by time
It remains.

Lodged in a safe corner of my mind
In the protected part of your spirit
Brought back to the surface by situations
Triggered by an etched experience
Freedom.

To once again express my entire soul
No sugar coatings, no pretenses
Held in the palm of one’s hand,
Scribbled for keeps
That as generations pass I can look back
No need for rhymes
So pure.

Form the heart
Mere legend to some
To me, they are my dream given life by words
Caught on paper.


I’ve been trying to get myself to write poetry again. Too much thought processes that once again I feel I am drowning. I was imprisoned by my own self. Convinced myself that all was normal though it wasn’t. All this while I had perfected that fake insincere smile, using it credibly each day. Little did I know, I was merely convincing myself I was okay and that I was doing the right thing. What I didn’t know was I was gradually loosing myself, my heart, my soul and my spirit. Bit by bit. Little by little. I was replacing it with the world view of what was normal. Pathetically trying to give the impression of being happy and contented. I was far from that. I was hungry for answers to the questions that have been flooding my mind.

Now as I take out my compass, I have made a determination to follow where the needle was pointing to. Toward my true north. I need a shift of paradigms. A cleansing of the spirit. A renewing of the soul. A change of heart.

I realize that I am a survivalist. that I should begin to put value in my experiences, because those are memories that no man or time can take away. That though I am influenced by the people around me, I make my own decisions. Guided by destiny yet made exciting by my own choices. That no one can ever hurt me unless I give them the right to do so.

I am not bitter. I embrace life and look forward to days and years to come. To be able to finally take the path I choose. To follow my dreams. Dwelling not in the pain of disappointments but rather in the lessons they give. The strength I will gain.

And when a time comes that I might cry, it will not be because I feel like a failure. We weep because we still have our souls intact. We are still capable of feeling. Of loving. That in each tear shed there is a hope that we will make the next day much better. I am no longer a coward. Courage is my creed. Our creed. Our battlecry. A strength I share with women and even men. Those that have been shaping their own destiny. To those who realize that survival is a choice. Carpe Diem…

questions to self

What is there to write?
My grief? My pain?
My struggle to find myself?

Been asking myself for sometime now
Never really thought it was still in me
Poetry.

Yet like memories it is never lost
Merely replaced by yet another one
Much stronger, much recent
Built and matured by time
It remains.

Lodged in a safe corner of my mind
In the protected part of your spirit
Brought back to the surface by situations
Triggered by an etched experience
Freedom.

To once again express my entire soul
No sugar coatings, no pretenses
Held in the palm of one’s hand,
Scribbled for keeps
That as generations pass I can look back
No need for rhymes
So pure.

Form the heart
Mere legend to some
To me, they are my dream given life by words
Caught on paper.

hmm...where do I start...I feel really bad today!!!

I believe that in the end what matters most in this world are relationships you make with the people that you value and love. sometimes its a difficult decision though and not everyone will see it in a positive light. i made that decision and got a smiliar response today. i know I'm trying to justify the "unprofessional act" i just made. but for me it was better to spend that time with that friend in need, knowing that in when I'm in the same situation I can trust for someone to be there as well.

i love the people I call my friends. i put value in the word "friend" and "love," i don't use them lightly. i will lay down my life for them. now I don't know how people will take what has just happend but for me...I was true to myself.

i suddenly felt so tired today. its like I've been swimming such a vast ocean and not even a place hold on and rest. i want to be able to take time to sit and think about my day and how it was. living my life as if was a 24 by 7 shift, including holidays. its exhausting! for me, this is not the essence of living life.

there's more to life than titles and salary. if I had a choice I would opt for living a life of relationships. to have the people that matter close to you. having enough time for them and being able to have fun with them. it would be nice to travel around the world and just seeing all the beautiful places and knowing how distinct and interesting their culture is. call me an escapist when it comes to work. but I will never run away from an opportunity to be someone's friend. will never turn my back on them.

at the pace I'm going, rare is the time to be able to sit down and read a good book. taking time to paint the scene in my mind. creating the characters and directing the scenes. everything is too topsy turvy for me right now. too fast. i feel so overwhelmed. i can't even think straight anymore. i want to just sit down and think. for even just a minute....

i would have wanted to write about alot of things that have happend...but probably this will not be in detail...

went to Galera with Jansi and met the Swiss guys...they left for china but have been keeping in touch...been going regulary to Xymaca to watch Session Road...Coy promised us a cd of their songs and I'm so excited...work is so hectic...been reading alot of books lately...its White Oleander by Janet Fitch this time....just finished Wishes by Jude Devereaux...i miss writing in my journal...i miss [i]...i want to go to Thailand...i need to get a drivers license...Jee's coming soon, wahooo...Alystaire's leaving, sad...i wanna go to Galera again...

gotta breathe...lordah merceh...