CAUGHT in CONFUSION
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. Yet now I confess to the confusion in my heart and my mind. The tide is changing…
But as I always say, things happen for a reason. The last two years I felt like I was taking my Masters in Life University. The knowledge and experiential learning was just so rich. It was too intense that sometimes, when I’m alone and analyze what has been of this life, I feel that my mind can’t seem to contain all of it.
Again, I am confused. All the chapters of my life are unique enough that I can’t seem to make a pattern of what it is that I want to do for most part of it. I have created that protection of adaptability to the forces of life that makes me flexible enough to survive anything. There is that confidence that I know I can endure anything. I have for most part of my life. I know that given any challenge I can achieve. And though I should be thankful because that is a strength, it makes knowing what I want to do, to be and to make of myself all the more complicated to resolve.
If my goals and dreams were listed on a piece of paper, I have crossed out quite a few as of this moment. I wanna be proud of them. But what concerns me is that they are dreams that seem to be different forks in a road. It’s as if I take the side roads because I do not which highway to take. But how does one know that?
Of what I have become, it was always an effort to balance heart and mind. Though on most case it was heart that took the wheel, for I am woman that wears her heart out on a sleeve. It was always the instinct of what is in my heart which makes me walk or take that leap. And yet even that is changing. The disappointments of the past years has given me that impression that that gut feeling I consider when a decision is to be made will not always be right. It makes me question certain ideas. And sadly it makes me analyze too much that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Something that I would never want to happen.
And so now I find myself raising the query… Can knowing what you want in your life change? Or is that from the start you never really knew what it was? Could it be that the circumstances life has thrown your way influence the way you view yourself and what it is that will make you happy?
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