They say that when I love I do not think about myself. Self-less as they call it. And this goes for evrything, be it friendship or the romantic type that we all know of. And the problem my friends see is that there is a tendency for me not to know my limit. They say I create pain for my own heart. Yet sometimes I welcome that pain not because I am sadistic or anything but because I want to be able to say that I gave it my all before I gave up.

Once again I am in that situation and to my friends that patiently wait, relax. I know what I am getting myself into. It may create hurt in the future but I want to be able to say I loved will my whole heart and soul. I appreciate you all being there looking out for me. I love you all.

I am very very happy. I cannot describe it any other way. But the ball is not in my court. So I will continue to enjoy the moment and treasure his friendship.

To my Friend with a kind and understanding heart,

I know not what goes on inside your head. What are you thinking? What is it your feeling? There seems to be confusion, but it could me not knowing you fully. I wish to deepen the friendship. I want to know more about you. Knowing why it is that you react the way you do. You have offered me your friendship and yet there seems to be things that you me leave in dark. I would not like to demand for anything, because then it would not be how I define friendship. But all I ask is for your assurance that I am your friend.

I apologize for taking out my insecurity with you. I would just like to be honest. I am scared you are slipping away. I wouldnt want that. I love you my friend and I put so much worth and meaning to that statement.


in the spirit of friendship,
a Catcher of Dreams

So much activity around my life! I don't know if I can keep up. I guess it is so far so good though! Words spoken out of the truth, friendships tested and theories proven. There has been alot of emotions felt that I never thought I would be able to go through in my lifetime. The pain and heartaches may not have been done to me personally however there seems to be a bond with them that I share whatever is happening with their lives. I get hurt when other people hurt them. I cry their tears and feel their hearts being ripped apart. If only I can take on the grief and sorrow they are experiencing I would. But all I can do is assure them that I will be there till the last tear is shed.

I value friendships. I treasure friends. They are the crayons that color my world, and oh what a vibrant life I lead. You know who you people are!! I love you deeply with all my heart, my life and my soul. Thank you!

You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Understanding oneself can be quite a challenge. There are certain reactions to some situations that we even we surprise ourselves.. Could it be the "default system" at work?

There was just a feeling that there is a need to detach from certain people tonight. Too much disclosure of oneself in a very unstable time may not be welcomed by some people. It was just too much too soon. Continuing with that kind of openess can jeopardize the friendship or worse be interpreted in the wrong way. From the start, the motive was pure. Friendship and no other expectations or levels as they put it. However at this point in time, there is an air of doubt that can be felt. That trust is not a 100% and detachment is necessary.

I did not want to detach. I wanted to continue showing them who I was. And yet the reactions to my actions were unnatural, even uncalled for. It prompted me to say things I somehow regret.

I feel the guilt though. I didnt want him to feel bad. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hold his hand and assure him that evrything was fine with us. I wanted to tell him that I was paranoid. For him to know how I truly felt. Fear stopped me. I was afraid he would not understand it the way I wanted him to or the way I meant it to be. IN the quiet depths of my soul I wanted this man to be my friend. How do you tell him that?

A man I could say anything and evrything too. Share my insights. Tell him my pain and confusion about men. Ask him how I can fully comprehend this beings that give us women such hurt and still having the safety of not being misjudged. I sense his heart it is pure and considerate. Truly a man of depth and courage of the spirit. He is a brother and friend. Fortunately, NEVER a lover.

Knowing I do not have control of his friends feelings, emotions and reactions, I choose to give space. Think for a while and regroup. Pray and learn to come back to the middle.

This is not intended for anyone in particular. It is just a product of my thought process (Vencer, 2002). If it does seem to pertain to certain events or people, I do apologize. It maybe that I was forced to use the words that have been running around inside my head. But it is applicable to my reactions. And I do fall into the same mode at certain times.

Despite having learned one's lesson from the past. Even if we say we have matured. There will always be that "behavioral default system" we go back to. That kind of behavior that we resort to when that part of us that we keep hidden from those we feel are capable of inflicting so much pain is threatened. To situations that can leave hurt and pain to your soul- that which can change your life forever- your tendency is to automatically shut the doors. It comes instinctly. It is as if the warning signs go out and the vault locks. You once again detach from anyone and anything. What complicates it more is realizing that it could come from a person you thought would have shielded you, a person you trusted or the person you considered your friend. The irony that you gave your trust and that person handed back betrayal. And the pain this brings causes you to go back into your shell. We switch to the "behavioral default system." Because this is the time that the spirit and flesh are both weak. We physically and emotionally do not want to fight. Quite like an emergency system. A defense.

Questions abound. You smoke one cigarette after the other. Alcohol can become a close friend. This is the time you value silence and solitude. There is s tendency to analyze each minute and the circumstances that have passed. You ask the ultimate question....Why did I let it happen? What went wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could that person do this to me? You flood your mind trying to dissect each part of the situation.

The difficulty of this "behavioural default system" is that it becomes such a task to get back to being the way it was. After the sting of the events, you still feel the throbbing of your heart. It has left its scar. Something that even time will have a challenge in healing. And there will always be that apprehension to be the same person. There is anxiety that you maybe hurt in that intensity again. That another person may decieve you in the same way. So the challenge is how to gather strength from the positive things that have to you and at the same time keep the lessons from the negative endeavors.

If there is one thing to remember when we sucumb to this certain frame of mind (yes I'm still talking about the "behavioral default system"). The important thing is what we become after each ordeal. I choose to be positive. It might be easier said than done but it is possible. I hold on to that possibility, for I know that as the clouds part after the rain I will see a clearer sky!

Living with Positivity

"There is so much negativity in this world, we need to stay positive."

So be it! As much as possible and if I can help it I will strive to be positive at all times. I have been complaining about some of the people around me. This has not helped me in any aspect. It even brings me more negativity. Ther buck stops here, otherwise it will just continue on sliding from station to station.

It's been our first week in the new apartment. Jeanette & Josh, Ivy and myself. We are actually proud that we have transformed it to a place where would just love to hangout in. A home that reflects the beach, a place we wish we could be everyday of our lives.

Its been a week of interior decoration, cooking and simply staying at home and getting a feel of it. Excitement is at its peek. There still are a few things we need to invest in like a television and a radio. But other than that it looks like a home and better yet feels like a home.

I still live a day at a time and praying for happiness and success in all our endeavors, for me as well as my soul sisters. This is indeed a big step towards living the life we choose. May we do it well. As Ivy said, "We shall conquer this day with courage as our creed, with love as our sword and friendship as our shield, the family as our visor, and faith as our armour!"