Monday, March 31, 2003

AN OVER ACTIVE MIND

i said i will stop worrying, thinking and over analyzing and yet my mind remains to be in some hyper mode. even when my body is tired and needs sleep, my mind continues to churn and dreams have been abundant. this happen for more than a week now. confusing dreams, mixed characters-some i do not even know- and multiple situations that i cannot understand. they seem to be a cross between reality and a pseudo-world my overly creative imagination has painted. everytime i wake up, i am just stunned if not sweating from what had just transpired in my mind. i even feel it was too real. it could be just the excitement for my trip. or the pressure of having to make a decision when i get back.

its not that simple. i want to make a good decision but i wouldn't really know the outcome unless i take the risk right? i'll just let destiny take its course. though part of me prays so hard for a miracle anda sign that this is the time and i should take the turn. everything will turn out okay, how? i don't know, its a mystery! ain't that exciting...


LAST THREE DAYS

i can hear and feel the summon of the beach...the call of adventure...ahhh...almost there....

Saturday, March 29, 2003

A STORMY MIND

thought upon thought...
like waves hitting the shore on a stormy day...
from different directions they come,
some deep and senseless,
others vital and immediate...

after two weeks of thinking i couldn't take it any longer. it was too much. my poor mind is dead beat. its like one more thought process can snap that thin line. sleep was hard to achieve because my mind was too active. dreams were so vivid from all the activity in my brain. dark circles around my eyes are evidences of my plight. now a vow i take to stop thinking- and analyzing- and simply just listen. heeding the signs of destiny. resting my weary thoughts and having confidence in my dreams. i take it a day at a time.
6 DAYS TO GO...

still counting down till the day i set foot on another country...
to those that have wished me a safe trip...my appreciation.
to those that have given me tips...i look forward to doing all of them.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

9 DAYS AND COUNTING

ahhh then its off to a 10-day relaxing rendezvous. i really don't know where all the excitement is coming from. it could be from the fact that this will be my frist trip outside of the country. another reason could be that i just love to travel. or the opportunities to experience a different culture. the call of the beach...the new people i could be meeting.

limitless...right now i just looking forward to this vacation. away from the city, in a place where no one knows me. a trip to country with a very interesting (not to mention) rich culture.

this will be one great trip...no one will stop me from enjoying ...THAILAND here i come!

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

a SURGE of NEW PEOPLE

i am amazed by the influx of new people reading my blog. not to mention one of them knows a very close friend of mine. thank you dropping by my blog guys...again these are my thought processes that i just wanted to write down, maybe read back and see what lesson i learned from it...

Monday, March 24, 2003

A SIGH OF RELIEF

Thursday, March 20, 2003

WHEN DECISIONS ABOUND

There is something I still seek. Despite the abundance of rest and creativity that is overflowing, there is still a part of the puzzle that baffles me. Try so hard, I have to make sense of this and yet I end up mentally exhausted. The night lamp has been burning for days and my body clock confused. In search for at least a clue, but no luck.

Risk. Indeed it is constant in life. When we are afraid to paddle on till the river bend we never really know what lies around it. Most of us are paralyzed by the possibility of raging rapids that awaits us. Fear, the existence of it may rob us of opportunities that we may regret in the long run. But the question that prevails, are we ready to take the risk? Another word to consider, preparedness. Can we really prepare for everything? My belief is that we cannot, otherwise, I am going against my belief in faith and destiny. What then is pulling me back from taking the plunge? Could it be my not wanting to leave another comfort zone?

I had told myself that I would be true to myself. I can very well say I know what I want and what I see myself doing. And yet I am confronted with the anxiety of not being able to see it through. What ever happened to my enthusiasm for adventure and plunging into the unknown? Why is there inconsistency of what I would want and what I see myself I am capable of doing? Why do I continue to ask when it actually restricts me from making a move. I have become too much dependent on stability. But could we possibly achieve stability without the threat of failure?

Options and restrictions exist to every decision that we have to make. But I go by the motto of Carpe Diem. It may seem to some as a hindrance, yet I have always considered my being a free-spirit as a strength rather than a weakness. We can never know what tomorrow brings. We may prepare to the best of our ability just to be slapped with a totally different scenario the next day. Then our attempts to be prepared were simply a waste of time. We wouldn’t even know if we would be here the next day.

I have enjoyed living my life and I am proud of that. It may be unconventional and yet I know that it has given me valuable lessons, ones I would not trade for any other experience. I know i would make a decision i'l stand up to. Whatever that is, is for me to find out...

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

things happen for a reason...this thought helps me remain calm at this moment. otherwise i would have been banging my head to the wall.

i can't believe i woke up 20 minutes after the scheduled departure for DFA. i was preparing for this all night and just like that i made it slip. i just wanted to shout at myself...WHY DIDN'T I WAKE UP??? to top it off, when i checked my phone, i had a text message from my mom saying she hopes i will be at DFA today! i think i'll be in trouble.

i'm stressing myself i know. but in times like this i don't know how to control the feeling of frustration. i'm torn between...there's nothing else i can do at the moment but wait for the agency to open... and the thought that, maybe i should just rush to DFA and maybe i'll find them there. as for the latter, it'll be a total waste of resources though. plus i don't even have a working phone!

great spirit, i seek for the emotional waves to be calm and may there be peacefulness to know what to do. knowing the importance of this trip to my family and myself i pray so hard that i will NOT do anything to jeopardize it. may i take in the lesson from this situation with a spirit that is humble. great spirit, i eagerly ask for a chance to make this situation right. amen.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

tonight i was able to have a long talk- over beer and pizza- with a very good friend that is actually also one of my bosses. i really appreciate that talk. we really have a similar outlook in life and we just babbled on forever. another person in my support group that i value.

his advice...STOP ASKING...

i guess he was right. i dwell too much on things and i analyze it until my head feels like a prune. i believe that i do know what i want. i'm just afraid to get out of my comfort zone. well i guess it time to take the plunge. take the risk.

i believe.

Friday, March 14, 2003

we've been back from Puerto Galera since Tuesday. yet my heart forever remains there. it seems like that was reality and being back in Manila is but a mirage. it was truly a wonderful time. our soul brother was able to make it with a friend and we were able to spend some time with them. all in all, each watch tower got a renewal of energy from the beach. now its time to sit down and make time to think about some decisions. most of us are in the crossroads of certain life changing decisions. it maybe in the different aspects of our lives yet each move is a vital one. different strokes for different folks, yet each heart connected. right now we are just looking out for each other. i've got the best people to back me up, so i know i can do this.

its thursday night...XAYMACA night! we just got back from watching our brother at his gig. we were also able to talk to him about his crossroad. for him its, "so many women, so little time." overwhelming? indeed. well i guess he will be the only one to know what he should do. as usual we are just here to support him. bro, you know were just here for you!

Saturday, March 08, 2003

its off to go home for me and my soul sisters

to Puerto Galera it is...to the beach...to our haven...our soul brother will join us by sunday....this will surely be interesting and a wel deserved vacation...and we will try to post pictures!

Thursday, March 06, 2003

XAYMACA

Three Red Horse beers after...I was sliding down the bark like structure of a bench by the door of new tambayan. I was enjoying it. It felt good to be light headed not minding what I had to worry about or analyze. We had a long day at work and it felt as if all my brain cells just went on low batt. It was a good night to share with friends. We had as few beers and wonderful resounding laughter. Its funny how we can actually have fun despite certain circumstances if the three of us stick together.

We also got more roses today. Now its up on our wall, waiting for them to dry.

After each night out, its off to Mr. Kabab. A Persian restaurant that serves the best chelo kebabs and the proximity that we will cherish. Here our soul brother joins us. It was a very light atmosphere that night. Rachel was drunk and just yapping for one straight hour. Wow! Talk about marathon. Then Rachel and Coy with the Special participation of Hanz, put their minds together to come up with a story about Radio Active *toot*. They actually sounded serious. Then by 4am, i automatically dropped on my bed and just slept...

Its nice to spend time and the giggles with close friends. i am genuinely blessed.

Saturday, March 01, 2003

what is romance?

hey guys i just wanted to share what a thai woman answered when asked what romance is...

romance is so hard to describe. and it depends on the person.
it's not the material possesions, a room full of flowers, dinner
under the moonlight, or even a 5 carat lucida cut diamond ring.

romance to me is telling my new boyfriend
that i think i'm pregnant and it's not his...
and he still stands by me and rocks me
to sleep in the midst of tears.

when telling him that we don't have "our" song yet.
and he later takes me to the park and
ask me to dance. no music. just the silence
of the night. and he holds me tight and tells me that this is 'our' song.

when explaining to him why i love a
particular painting. and the whole
time he just stares at me in such a
way that it makes me feel as if he's
touching me. sumthing almost like.
his eyes touching me. and at the end he just says, you're amazing. i love you.

the little things that matter. of all the places
we've been to together. he always picked
up a stone. kept it and used a marker to write the
place and the date where he got the stone from.
and he presents me with a little pouch. full of
stones from all the places we've been to. to
outsiders they are just stones. to me. they are moments.

to me. that is romance.

by teazor

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