thought gushes

i havent been writing lately. though I may not be as great some of the people I blog-stalk or those that get published, for me writing is release. it s being able to blurt things out, sugar coat or make it a tad bit interesting with metaphors.

right now on the far south of the philippine map with pockets that have one big hole and hijacking my brother's room and his 24/7 connected pc. if only i can hostage this piece of beauty back to manila, then i can blog more regularly. sounds like a plan..ehehehe.

so here i am, letting the gush take me to find back my words.


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christmas day. today i was a boat ride away from where he was. from the top of that hill i glanced to the right hoping i could confirm it was kudat i could see from that point. pathetically thinking if he could be capable of brewing cheesy moments like this.

in the how many times i thought i was 101% sure that i could just walk away and let time take its course, i ended up eating those words. i could also end up eating this as well, but you are different and that makes it harder to just let it go. walking to bed in malate, i told Tag, that it would have been so much easier if you were just a pretty face and a chauvinistic prick. i want you to be that guy who called me stupid. i want to be able to find something wrong in order to let go. that's me. forever romantic. its gets difficult to handle but i've been getting used to it i guess.

Work Isolation

no yahoo messenger
no external emails websensed sites
So this is how it feels like to be isolated
Cut-off from the world
To feel restricted from even having a resemblance of life
No more messages from people that can easily make you smile
No means to even have other sources of income

If this is the situation then I do have choice
To either agree to isolation or dust off my wings, take the risk and just fly…

homecoming...

this was a much anticipated vacation for me and my friend kai. the planning started when we got the tickets way back in february or was it march. and i became like a beacon for me to continue on. to stop complaining cause there was something good coming after.

the trip recharged me. that finally after months of slaving away, my spirit was able to dust my wings and i just soared off into adventure. the mission was to get lost and find my way back on a daily basis and kai just jumped in. no complaints, she was just game! and to her, I just take my hat off.

from exploring Kota Kinabalu on foot, to rafting the 7 rapids of padas and makan-inuman parties the trip was just good for the soul. kota kinabalu just stretches its arms out to whoever wants to come into its ports. such accomodating people. cheers out to alex, itay joel and dr. o for the really great welcome seafood dinner. and to the rivebug and trekkers family we have there. seeing the old people like valentine, nick, rhoms, mors and yes- andrey. and meeting new friends in lydia, mary, appal, achu, razali and ikan. you have made me appreciate malaysia even more. hope you make i here this december!

kuala lumpur was also a treat. thanks to the people that was willing to take us out to dinner (breakfast for speedyG) and drive us around at night. it was nice to find our way around in the day then relax to someone driving us during the night. from capturing, may i say ALL angles, of petronas at night as well as day, to exploring the waterworld without scuba tanks and finally tasting bak kut teh!!! to allan, ivan, nawruz& cathy, thiru, sani, abby & sarah, gary & dennis and of course my supahstah Andrew. i hope you know how much i all appreciate always making me feel right at home in my second home country. see you here in manila by october!!

melaka was a treat for the photo-hoe in me. it was just so colorful i just kept on snapping. there could have been more places to see but a couple of hours was enough to just quench the thirst of historical adventure. from churches to a huge galleon and the great lunch at the food court infront of it. no wonder explorers came to your shores.

terima kasih banyak malaysia!!

now i am at work and i find myself either giggling or just smiling when I remember how my journey back went. am experiencing withdrawal symptoms as I always do after each trip. the changes at work seem to make it even more difficult to shake it off. but i set my eyes to being able to return another time and explore more of this country i have really grown to love. from is architechture, to its food, its language and culture and most especially its people.

indeed to know malaysia, is to truly love malaysia.

my malaysia, make it yours....

four days in kota kinabalu
five days in kuala lumpur
and a side trip to melaka

to walkathons and getting lost
to rafting guides that throw you overboard and warn you of strange bananas
to climbing back onto the raft and chicken! chicken! and more chicken!
to bus # 13 and the moo inspired bus stops and animal print interiors
to durian photos and post-it filters
to green jokes and having an occasion inspired name like f___g dog
to selling the top down car but riding a roofless car
to makans and inumans
to ates and kuyas
to reunited friends and my supahstah
to foodtrips and teh tariks
to respect and admiration
to letting go and gaining back
to journeys that inspire
to malaysia
saya rindu engkau!

Wandering Wonderer

i may be confused at the moment
i may have lost my so-called map
walking with no sense of direction
but never without a purpose,
not at anytime without hope.

my aim is to persevere
my decision to never give up
i refuse to stop and succumb.

i am the wandering wonderer
i know not what the day can bring
but i know my spirit is free!!

When you do things for the money, there is no love.
Without love there is no passion.
It’s just empty.
-Beautiful People TV Series

The career is right but I feel that I am in the wrong industry.

The clothes fit, but without second thought I would trade in my heels for slippers. I love the fulfillment of teaching people new skills but sometimes I find myself not agreeing on how they use it. I love having a nice workstation, but I can be happier working on a makeshift log over looking the ocean.

If there is anything I can do that is not related to my job I am willing to do, for the reason that it can take my mind off of what I need to do.

I am a firm believer that we always have a choice. Why then am I feeling stuck?

It's Not Just Paintball...It's a Way of Life!

oh paintball...
the stories
the friendships
the mamaks
the men
the travels
i miss you!

i was going through the forums and I read a post from a paintball friend called Vegas. and it got me thinking...

and blogging....

there things in your life that you never turn your back on. one of that for me is paintball. i was never really part of any team in particular, but the doors- and windows too- that it opened up made me see life in a different way.

alot of things have changed since I embraced the sport in 2003. players have moved on to different paths, teams have re-grouped, changed names and fought for sponsorship. for past four years, the introduction of more tournaments, whether local and international have given the sport a spotlight in Malaysia and in neighboring Asian countires. from a mere weekend gathering to most friends it now has rulebooks and certified refs. all these have definitely given paintball a different face.

whether these developments are a push or pull for the sport, will always get varying opinions. but I step away and remember it as a sport that gave me a chance to know what career I want to be in, travel to and embrace my second home country and most especially it brought into my life people that taught me about life, love and othe mysteries.

they say that the best way to know a person is through a game or a sport. i would have to agree.

if I blink

will it take me there?

to the train tracks

below the wind

I ask questions that sometimes I know the answer to. I ask them for the mere reason that the act itself might change the outcome. It's the child in me not wanting to grow up or take no for an answer.

Yes I am falling once again. Maybe not at the man that you are but at the thought of someone being there. Of you possessing traits of the weary traveler that my heart patiently waits for. At the patio this heart has been sitting, and longing for someone to open the gate.

You appeared and held on to the gate, I look up. I see you standing there, behind you a river with waves of hope, a blue & white rubber boat and paddles. After a few exchanges you fell silent. No words not even the slightest movement. Should I move forward, take your hand and usher you in? Or better yet, I wait for you to take that step forward or for you to stretch your hand out to signal me near. This is not the first time there is a man at the gate. By now I know that He sends out messengers to teach me to know the difference between desperation and when it is time. So till you do I shall be thankful of the shadow of who you could be.

I do not suffer because of your presence but instead I make you an inspiration of how it feels when my weary traveler pushes the gate open and says I am home.

Situations...

I can once again write my thoughts down in my own sanctuary, at my own time with the comforting hum of my choice. I have missed this potential.

It could be a season, a few months or even days for us to realize what it is that we need to learn before our lives can start flowing again. They call this phase the rut or as a song goes, being stuck in a moment. I haven't fully grasped what it is that I need to learn at this time, but I am definitely stumped at this rotunda where stand in the middle confused. Weeks ago it seemed the direction was clear and that by this time I would have made a letter that would be my ticket to a new life, a fresh page. But here I am , still in the same room, writing my emotions out.

Oh grant me the patience to wait and the wisdom to make the right decisions as the situation calls for it.

Lasting Friendship

When Gemini girl gets together with Sagittarius guy, it's not just a match made in heaven, it's a lasting friendship. Sagittarius boy will fill your head with grand dreams and visions about travel and all sorts of exciting adventures, and you'll love every minute of it. Just remember that when you act as a team, dreams and visions can become realities.

to expect is to set yourself up for disappointments
i like this to unfold the way it should, not the way i want.

Beautiful Surprise

Whatever it is that you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future hold
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise
-India Arie


these emotions i have for you. this like have for you. nothing can change it. heck i didnt even ask for it. i saw you and kaboom!

so you dont have to say or do anything you don't feel like doing or saying. i am happy admiring you from this distance. just be who you are. cause i know that you are a messenger and the inspiration that i need in my life right now. i will let time tell me why He let our paths cross. by then the reason shall be clear.

my other A

never give up on the possibility,
because eventually you will know if its right or not.

so there I was again wearing my heart out on a sleeve.
knowing it could get hurt.
but I rather risk the possibility of that than letting an opportunity pass me by.

to you my other A,
thank you for showing respect and
not just pouncing on the chance.
indeed you have shown content in the life you have.
you have jumpstarted my heart once again.
inspire me some more.

There he was...by the train tracks

he was good looking.
so good looking,
I couldn't stop staring.
Photos check!
Videos check!
But it was like a mere vial to taste.
After this trip and I resume my life as a corporate slave,
He will be nothing but photos, video and a wonderful story to tell.

I am getting tired of stories.
I am tired of mere taste-only vials.
I deserve a buffet!
A lifetime supply of whatever it was I felt today.