Mumblings and Musings...

If I would take a look inside myself and be honest with my current state of mind, body and soul, I would say I am very LOST! My operative words as of the moment would include negativity, confusion, spaced-out, huh, what-was-that-again-I'm-sorry, and other synonyms that - as of the time i am writing this- I just cannot find the words to express. Not to mention I am constantly bombarding myself with a questions. Heart is asking my mind and my mind is not just insync with my heart right now and since both play an important role in my decison making then you see where the dilemna comes from.

I don't want to blame anyone or anything with all the instability in in my life right now. If only I can shut my mouth (which is a very hard feat) and go away to a place of solitude wherein positive energy abounds, I would just like to think and contemplate. In this way I can actually avoid saying things I may regret later. But hello! Reality check DreamCatcher. I have a job that I really need to keep as of the moment. It is my only source of money. And just to remind everyone, we do need money to survive. Yet I stress and convince myself I really do need to reflect on my decisions and reactions to the stimulus that "life" has given me. Personal as well as professional. Otherwise the white flag will be raised to depression. And that is something I do not want to think about. I will never surrender, after everything I have accomplished, not now!

I need to carefully weigh all the committments I get myself into. I cannot really say if this is another hang-up because of the life I led, fact is I tend to slow down when there is a need to commit. It is apparent even at work. Blah....blah...blah.... I don't know how pathetic I can be. I say these things about slowing down but when my friends asked me to move in with them I imediately (take note, not even pausing) say YES! So now I am moving in with them. In an apartment in Quezon City, with Jeannette & Josh and Ivy, my bestfriend.

Unbelievable it may seem. However these is how I have played my cards. Let's just see what happens in the next few days. As things unfold each day, may I walk in the path led by the Great Spirit. I need to...

May the Love between us be strong
May the Trust between us be whole
And may the words between us be True.
May our eyes See one another
May our ears Hear one another
May our Hearts Touch one another
And may our souls Hold one another

-Annazi Prayer (Annazi is an American Indian tribe)

While writing this I am talking to my soul sister Jeanette on the phone. She had to endure a long conversation with a person I don't really know how to treat like now. I am in a confused stage. I will be honest here. I will try to confront myself. To finally say what I want to say. If ever there will be reactions that is your opinion. And I may respect your opinions but that is "MY" call. What I will write here is what I FEEL! And when a person feels something you cannot contend with that and rob them of experiencing "EMOTIONS."

Right now I have to face my own skeletons and stand up to what I believe in. Alot of things have happend around me. And its as if everything has slipped our noses. I feel betrayed, there I said it after a long struggle between my heart and mind. You ask why? Its because as I told Jeanette, all the words exchanged, the blogs, emails and the feelings expressed all of these are just shaking my relationship with my Soul Sisters. Not to mention testing my integrity and character in the workplace. But what really gripes my heart is that fact that it involves someone who I thought I could trust. And it was shattered by the fact that this person didn't even tell us what was happening. I treated him like family, like a brother, and it wouldnt have been difficult to tell me what was happening, what he was feeling.

I really can't put a finger on the reason why everything had to reach "this level." All I know is that there is something NOT right. There have been words spoken that have pierced the hearts. Actions that have not been consistent. All these are just rushing into my brain and right now I would just want to contemplate. If I can only run to Galera like my sis Jeanette, I would. I wish I could just lay on the beach and watch the sunset. Or be on the rockies, sit there and hear the waves crash against them. In short I just want to be away and search for the reason of all the turmoil that's happening.

Well for now, think nalang ako and pray.

Those that read this. This surge of words are indeed results of my being (once again) analytical of the things happening around me and to me, HOWEVER, they are not for anyone to feel I am talking about them. They are merely thoughts I would like to let out, and maybe in time would like to read back. Thoughts that make me realize there are more things to learn about myself. For the next few days this will be a work in progress...

People know I am non-confrontational. It must be a trait I got from my father. As in all things there will always be the positive and the negative side to it.

For the negative, people sometimes don't listen to my opinion. Well for most parts I am the type of person that I would rather hear out the whole thing, cuddle up on a comfortable chair, have my luckies and really think (as in drain my brain juices!), in short I am usually silent in a discussion. The only time you will hear an instant reaction from me is if one, a person gives a judgemental reaction about a friend or family and two, when they start forming wrong opinions of who I am especially if they do not even me. If that will happening boy, will you get a piece of my mind. Its funny when I know my mind can think really fast when it wants to. This is the reason that sometimes I feel like I can put a story in a time machine I can use the present and try to forsee what will happen and it not only in a certain angle. I will scrutinize every nook and cranny of all the possible the situations. Some of the "scenes" I bring out maybe impossible, but for me at least I have seen it at all points. My mind may be able to think fast but the organizing side of it cannot keep up. My statements can be so unorganized that there are times my friends just go, "huh?", "what are you saying?" or worst "oh shut up DreamCatcher!"

Well on the other hand not being confrontational gives me time to think things through. I
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I am so proud of my Tagteam! He went for his dreams! There was a time that I had to talk to him about going for whatever he thought would make him happy and now he has. He wanted to take up photography and he did. Now he has won first place in a PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT.
Here are two his winning photographs.
I am really so proud of him. Indeed he is really one of those people I value and has made such an impact in my life. Again my tagteam.
I love you!

I have gotten a chance to once again talk to a very good friend. People may question why I have remained friends with her but hey, she's good to me and I value her. She has proven that she can rise up from the waves that crash into her life, and these happen to be really HUGE waves, mind you. I trust her too, she's never failed me in that department. And I appreciate her objectivity. There was time she approached me to tell me about certain improvement points in managing people in my team and she actually made me cry. She told me how she felt whenever I would give her a project and it were valid feelings actually. I was crying because she was right and I did not know I made her feel such. Her opinions matter, when she talks I will definitely listen.

Now she is in my department and we have the same position. I was looking forward to this and I can very welll say she is capable. But she feels that she gone to war too prematurely. No ammunition, no instructions and no map whatsoever. I can say I've been there,done that. It's a very difficult situation to be in. It takes it toil on your emotional being as well as physical health. Talking to this friend made realize why people say I have changed.

I used to be very passionate with my job. Since I joined the company I knew what I wanted- be Trainer. I had my eyes set on that goal from the beginning. All my efforts had a reason. It wasnt long that my efforts were acknowledge. I was promoted to Training Specialist by March of this year. I felt I had achieved. I was on top of the world. What I didnt know was that it was a start of another bumpy road.

The Training Department had alot of responsibilities and like my friend I had to adjust otherwise. The greatest challenge came from the fact that we had to learn in a limited amount of time and there was only two of us doing everything. I am a workaholic so naturally I tried to do evrything I can accomoidate. Guess I took in so much. Because midway into the year I feel so burnt out. Everything is just going haywire. My health, the relationship with my father and giving time to those I call friends. As my mother would say "Mhay, your strecting yourself too thin again!" Well I guess its a viscious cycle I go through. That I give too much only to find myself gasping for air at the end. I should start learning from those marathon runners on how to sustain and endure the long journey.

Its really hard. Right now I am trying to make a paradigm shift. To be able to do pacing in order for me to survive the loong trek to the top. I would rather it be slowly yet surely. I am also re-evaluating the career options I have in other industries so not restrict myself. I really do see myself in more arts and culture related field. We'll see. As I said I am not in a rush. I will pray about this.

So much thoughts are locked up in my head. It is a struggle to keep focused with work now a days. So much energy has been drained just thinking about it. I don't really understand what is happening. My boss and even Janis notices that I do not have the same fire I had for my job. Ivy, my bestfriend, calls it burn out. I say it could be lossing sight of the goal. Or even NOT knowing what the goal is. I need to figure this out soon and fast. Otherwise...

I look forward to Saturday. We will be having a family day at Big Brother Meek's house. That should be something to look forward to. I just want to be one with my element and let all that is bothering me just float away. Be gone!