CAUGHT in CONFUSION

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. Yet now I confess to the confusion in my heart and my mind. The tide is changing…

But as I always say, things happen for a reason. The last two years I felt like I was taking my Masters in Life University. The knowledge and experiential learning was just so rich. It was too intense that sometimes, when I’m alone and analyze what has been of this life, I feel that my mind can’t seem to contain all of it.

Again, I am confused. All the chapters of my life are unique enough that I can’t seem to make a pattern of what it is that I want to do for most part of it. I have created that protection of adaptability to the forces of life that makes me flexible enough to survive anything. There is that confidence that I know I can endure anything. I have for most part of my life. I know that given any challenge I can achieve. And though I should be thankful because that is a strength, it makes knowing what I want to do, to be and to make of myself all the more complicated to resolve.

If my goals and dreams were listed on a piece of paper, I have crossed out quite a few as of this moment. I wanna be proud of them. But what concerns me is that they are dreams that seem to be different forks in a road. It’s as if I take the side roads because I do not which highway to take. But how does one know that?

Of what I have become, it was always an effort to balance heart and mind. Though on most case it was heart that took the wheel, for I am woman that wears her heart out on a sleeve. It was always the instinct of what is in my heart which makes me walk or take that leap. And yet even that is changing. The disappointments of the past years has given me that impression that that gut feeling I consider when a decision is to be made will not always be right. It makes me question certain ideas. And sadly it makes me analyze too much that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. Something that I would never want to happen.

And so now I find myself raising the query… Can knowing what you want in your life change? Or is that from the start you never really knew what it was? Could it be that the circumstances life has thrown your way influence the way you view yourself and what it is that will make you happy?

NO LONGER IN SLUMBER...

he's back!!!! it was so good to watch a brother playing his guitar with no else than sheer talent and heart. and what's make the night all the more special was sharing a few beers with him and suplada. i really had a wonderful time. bro, nice to see yah back in action. stay happy! suplada gurl, your rock!!!

thruly a kodak moment night. wow we had great photos...we gotta post em up guys!!

strange this ache i feel from within. how i wish there was a place to buy a pill from, pop it in, gulp down a glass of water and just wait for the pain to leave. to wake up feeling better.

why do i allow people to make me feel this way?? to let him hurt me this way. i allowed his words to cut a wound in my heart, punch a hole in my self-esteem tank. now i feel everything drain away slowly. hushing my self every now and then. so i retreat to those i call family. those i feel safe with. like a little girl, wanting to crawl into my daddy's lap and tell him to kiss this throbbing pain away.

i guess its all part of the tapestry called life. so i will let this pain go its way. weeding out the lessons and going forth much stronger. this weekend I will return to my sanctuary. to dive into its healing waters. a much needed release and some sun. maybe that can make me look at things in a different perspective.

EXTREME EXCITEMENT

i wanna go! I wanna meet the people! I wanna start! let's go! wahoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's how excited I am with this new job. now to those that have been reading me blogs. this is a new new job from the last new job I posted. yes, i resigned from new one and now I have another new one. confused? don't be. let's just say that now I have broken free of the clasps of the call center routine. a start to going to the path of my dreams. makes me all the more believe in destiny.

funny how all it took was to make that one big leap. letting go of the emotional baggages and excuses. i stopped saying "but what if I dont find a new job," or "but I need to sustain myself, I can't afford not having a job." once I took that step everything just fell in place.

i believe i am gonna love my new stress source (aka job) since it is so my personality. so tourism, here I come!!!!!

when you up in the mountains away from the worries, it seems that the mind is clearer to think and realize. for once again change is upon me and the two personalities that exists within me are one again in a debate of how to cope with it.

i was supposed to co-facilitate in subic but its seems that I got more out of the sessions than my participants. if there were two realizations that were imbedded in my mind during the teambuilding it would be that fear would always exist when there is change and its just up to us to manage that fear and that sometimes our attitude should just be JUST DO IT!

i acknowledge that it was my fault, and now I should take the consequence. i was scared of what could happen after my decison. what i was doing what making excuses. all you gotta do is go for it. that is what i should be doing. and its not after I go to the beach or something it should be NOW! i shouldnt be focusing on how high the pole is from the ground but rather in just climbing it all the way. as the xtreme adventure manager said, there are things in life wherein full understanding is not needed, you just have to do it. stop analyzing and just do it. what i need right now is to have the courage to move on no questions asked. i should be able to have the excitement as wanting to climbing that 25 foot pole. and once i get to the top i need to also have the courage to make that leap. then only will i be able to say I have overcome the obstacle.

this will be another ride of my life but now I can say i will be able to go through it with a different mindset and attitude. so friends can I trust you with my life, cause now I'll be climbing...

i mark the last period and flip the page to start another chapter of my so-called life. with a new job and a new journal, i look forward to what is instore for me.

learning from what has been. i face these blank pages with the eagerness to fill them with more celebrations, appreciation and experiences.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

its hard to be back as a participant in a training session when for almost a year and a half you've been facilitating and designing the course. now I find myself overwhelmed by the pressure of catching up with the other particiapnts. not that I'm slow or anything but its just that I process things differently now. there's too much numbers and memorizing abbreviations. gosh! my mind can't take this beating!

but in general the new company has been great. I like the lay-out of the center not to mention the location of our building. the people have also been accomodating and they're all young as well.

THE NEW JOB

its been great. the people have been fun. there was a bit of a withdrawal period from the previous company. but so far, so good. it has been very hectic as well, but at least you get to sit back and relax with co-trainers after the sessions.

MOVING ON...

my goodbye email to the company I have worked for two years...
i have always been emotional about goodbyes,
but i never thought i would be this attached to an organization.
iwill really miss the people and work environment here,
as they say, kakaiba...simply the bessssst!

Those were the days...
When all CCSs had rulers because the list was an excel print out, font 8
When we had to pile up scripts because we didn't have any software yet
When we had trivia chat sessions on AOL, complete with moderators
When we could still smoke in the pantry
When there was a big area to play and bond with team and batch
When there were more variations in the coffee machine
When you knew everyone because you had the same lunch break.
When foozball was a sport, it was a team effort that we actively engaged in
When the Dish account arrived and we had to camp out in the nap room for days to finish the manual
When the DISHers were also the recruitment team
When there was the Hatch Team that opened every account on the floor
When you really went to company parties because you knew you would miss half of your life if you didn't.

Those were times that I could say, in Globalstride we work hard but we also party harder.
There were crunch times, but it would never be without people that make it seem much lighter
We achieved in our job because we enjoyed the people and the environment we worked in.
That is the organization that I have grown to love.
Then slowly bosses, teammates and batchmates moved on,
Now it's my turn.

For the bosses and their open door policy, unselfishly giving an email or a pat on the back.
For the TLs and their extra motivational antics, and the belief they had in us.
For the fellow reps and their loyalty to the company.
For the company parties that were always one big teambuilding session.
This will be how I will always remember Globalstride.
As they say it is more than just a company, it was a family.
I was blessed to have been through those years with Globalstride.
And looking back I was fortunate to have experienced the growth to what the company is today.

As they say change will always be inevitable.
With my goodbye I utter blessings.
So with my hand over my heart, I thank everyone in this family.
To those that have left and to those that remain.
I will always be proud that I came from such an alternative company.

LOVING ONESELF

i choose to be free. i acknowledge that there is a cirle i need to consider. and within that circle i shall maximize my individuality. within those bounds I will make the most out of each day. i shall not depend on waiting for others to be prepared, hence i create the possibility for myself. with sincerity, my heart and the personality of my soul I give what I can give. yet I leave some for myself to grow. because now Iknow the importance of loving myself as well.

i start by realeasing you...

WHINNING ABOUT DECISIONS

dont' you get hunted by the thought of making the wrong decision? people say that it simply is a choice. true, but what about accepting the consequences behind that preference? and that sometimes you can't look that far ahead, because the circumstances seem to have built a wall. sometimes it is a result of the mistakes of the past. and because you accept the responsibility of that, you are the only one who can break it down. taking a mallet can't be the only way. you need consider the people around you, because the debris can be painful. still you have to make these decisions, otherwise you'll be stuck in a rut. so you take a step at a time, baby steps if need be. still you have to do it, the best way you know how. by waiting and praying...

STRENGTH

dont give up on me when you feel i do not listen,
you'll see that i'm learning from your life in my own way.

though i could be stubborn,
i do respect the wisdom i see from the way you react to situations,
let me process it through the filters that I have.

do not rush me,
let me grasp the lessons, slowly but surely.

i would bust down the doors if I find the need to.
but I also patiently wait for the right opportunities to sieze.
i am strong in my own way.

i am dealing with dissapointments today...

it is much harder to accept when it comes from the people you love. despite not wanting to expect, there is still that part of you that does. like a child realizing she was lost. then panic fills you, and you just want to slump on the floor and cry. though you know you will eventually forgive at this point, your heart aches.

so drowned myself in alcohol last night...
you control wanting to shout words that you might regret. not being able to endure the sting of the situation, you look for diversion. your gaze falls on the bottle infront of you, it spells r-e-d h-o-r-s-e, ahhh! you take a gulp. then another. then another. the lightness, the uninhibited energy bursts out, and you start grooving to the reggae music. at that time you needed a distraction, and the alcohol helped.

but there was a new friend that was there.

a relationship that started from linking, reading and appreciating her work. and tonight you saw her as a companion. though there was no obligation, she was there to accomodate me into her group. after a few beers and yay-gers you both made sure that the night would be worth the memory and a blog entry. to you, my heartfelt thanks, i will return the favor!

in a way my heart was broken that night. and yet, i also enjoyed the new folks that i met. and to two people that came in the nick of time. what mattered was that both of you were there. thank you for bringing me back to mr. kebab, all because i really wanted to and you wouldnt want me to whine all morning right? feels good to eat after all the beers.

.: guess this night was all about making the most of the situation :.

DreamCatcher: disregarding the truth and waiting in vain for the sake of love are the sorriest sins a woman can make<<--comment on this statement

A: am processing
A: i'd like to believe that when you find love... it is the absolute meaning of truth.
A: it's reality staring you in the face. meeting you where you are.

DreamCatcher: but at this point in time when people are corrupted by everything and anything could there really be true love? or is it relative as well

A: i believe in true love. i need to believe in it for me to be able to keep an optimistic view of life. if you lose faith in that one beautiful thing, there really is not much to go on.

DreamCatcher: true true

A: i honestly believe that love will be relative until you meet the right person
A: questions and doubts will arise until you come to that place where you release all of yourself and are willing to give it all up to another
A: that to me is true love and until you get there you cant describe it
A: i need to make myself vulnrable to some extent in order for me to know what i truly feel
A: without pain you dont know if you love

i live just like a woman,
make love just like a woman,
ache just like a woman.
but i break...just like a little girl.
-nina simone

i just got off the phone with alystaire. and i am just appreciating our conversations. they get to be very woman-like but we tend to conclude that we will always be the daddy's girl that we are. we reminisce about our growing up, she being in an american school and my hopping from one province to another. or how funny that when other girls were playing with dolls, we were in the firing ranges with our dads. also the fisihing trips that we thought were a waste of our time, but are part of the package that made us the woman we are. we give ourselves affirmations that we never really got to tell each other when we were living in the same country. but it's never too late! now I feel our relatinship growing even if she's in the other part of the globe. we get to talk about the impact of the decisions we have made in our lives, the carrer goals we have been thinking about and the men that seem to confuse use every now and then. sharing how we continually deal with the insecurities we have as a person. the vanity and spontaneity. don't we just love life?

its funny that because our parents were bestfriends then we became almost like sisters. you, me and angelsa. tres marias as they used to call us in church. and our being the only girl in each family made the realtionship even more solid. oceans may keep us apart physically, but our souls will always reach each other in prayer. i love you both to the core of my being. to eternity and beyond.

PURE SHORES

i set forth on that voyage with one thing in mind. to renew my exhausted soul. now that I look back, I got more than what i prayed for. the weather had tried to test my will, now I know it was a premonition. a sign that it would be a different weekend, one that would definitely have a special place in my life.

i taught me to rest...despite the energy that overwhelms me when i am in the island, i listened to my body this time. it has been deprived of sleep for so long. so that afternoon with the waves singing its lullabye, i closed my eyes and gave in. it was a night that I made peace with my body.

it taught me to believe in myself again...life is indeed like a wheel. there will always be a times that you have to deal with insecurity breakdowns. its part of going back to the middle. but that night at the beach brought people that just seem to gas up your self-esteem. it made me all the more say, its good to be home.

it taught me that attitude IS contagious...that sometimes things may not turn out the way we want them to, but we have to make the most of the situation. and though there is a default reaction to it, but still you kiss and make up! now i know that fun is not in the situation, but it is an attitude. it is you that makes a moment fun and exciting, that's when people are attracted to what you and your friends have.

it has taught me to enjoy the moment...totem poles in the water. trepassing on private property. pesto and vodka. hotdogs and wine. not the usual combinations, but it makes it even more memorable. and your left with pictures in your mind that you will keep in your heart's scrapbook. then once in a while our minds will suddenly play the slide show of the images and all you can do is smile. and in times when you're alone and moments flashes back, you can't help but say, i am blessed.

it taught me to be grateful for a new relationship...it's recognizing the value of new people in your life. it's appreciating them for the new perspective they give. ordinary things that seem to take a different shape because they made you look at it in a different angle. bugs, i hope that you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. thank for the pesto and the music. again i raise my glass, to more escapades.

it taught me how important friendships are...i share the island with my soul sisters and though we were missing one i count my blessings. we made a different set of memories that weekend with two other people. a new set of footprints on the shores of a place i consider my sanctuary. it also renewed a bond with a person that forever will be a part of my life. my bestfriend and sister, that homecoming would be a fragment of our life puzzle that I will forever hold near my heart. you have held my hand through the times that i felt the waves over my head. the dolphins were our gift, i love you rache!

so with a renewed spirit and a rejuvenated soul, i am ready to the face the reality of life once again.

ON GROWING UP

when a person tells you to grow up what does it mean exactly?
does growing up mean perfection?

all our lives we have been told by our parents to grow up. and still we feel that we fall short of what they expect. could it be that "growing up" is defined by the perception of a person. and so it would vary based on what a person feel is grown-up? do we equate growing up with maturity? but then what is maturity? a state in which you have reached what? it can be a play of words. but who really defines these these concepts, isn't it people? and as humans aren't they subject to the experiences that have gone through? so depending on that they base their "meanings." meanings that are different per person, per soul. thought processes once again...

FACES IN THE SUN
.: a friend's poem :.

The sunrise breaks over the sea
While they gather around me
Tears uncontrollably fall
Caused by dreams from the night before
A dream that left
An overwhelming feeling
Of loneliness and despair
Recurring even though
I've already woken up crying
So many times before
And then I look around me
At the people beside me
At the artist whose dreams
Magically shows up on paper
Whose friendship kept my course steady and true
At the hopeless romantic
Whose heart is the same as mine
Who never gave up on me
At the guy who was cool but rude
Who never left my side
and held me up everytime I fell
At the practical guy who was taught
Real love by the Woman and the Boy beside him
Who in turn showed me real friendship
At the little girl who always had a smile
Who always stood beside us
And never doubted what we could do
At the woman who catches dreams so effortlessly
Who was never afraid to say what I had to hear
At the woman I loved sitting at the far end
Whose mere presence I hold dear
Who I will never forget and always love
Even if the Gods pull us apart
I look at their faces
As they look at the sunrise
Each of them an angel
I realize
Though darkness may fall
The sun will always rise
And just as surely
My friends will always be there
Beside me

Thank you
You know who you are

a VOYAGE

the orca needs to return to the sea
to swim in familiar waters, she has been gone for so long
she needs to heal the wounds that the urban jungle has left on her.
to dive then to breech, feeling that rush of pure creative air into her body
for now she needs it more than ever.

i shall return to my heart today
that which I leave everytime i return to the city
it is in this island, where the life force is undying
no weather can hold me back.
i prayed for the sun to show itself today
and it did.
the Great Spirit has heard my plea.
looking forward to what this voyage shall bless us with,
for we seek retreat and renewal of the bond.

A GEMINI INDEED

-seeing both sides of an argument
-versatility
-readily adapts to change
-unique ability to understand what others are thinking
-innate curiosity about everything, they express interest in others drawing others to them
-concerned with the close connection between thought and verbal expression
-willing to dare the new ideas riding right along with the times
- fun loving
-spontaneous bursts of ideas
-fickle minded (i can see bugs nodding his head!)

yup 80% of this star sign. and I am all those!
i get a call from a friend after I sent him a message saying I was pushing through with plan A no matter what. But this came after we have listed till plan C and I pick out plan B. But then I felt I wasn't happy about it and my heart was heavy. but when I made that decision. I knew I made the right one. or that i will be making the most out of it.

when a friend affirms your bond, your soul feels renewed

there is a melody that sings in the night...
it speaks of your heart, of your peace...
it soothes me to slumber and carry me whole...
it floats in the air over water and fire to rest upon my weary heart...
and in dream i fly to a morrow of joy...
and i awake in the kiss of the morn knowing i had a friend who stayed by side
.:Celtic Princess:.