Catching Dreams

This is not intended for anyone in particular. It is just a product of my thought process (Vencer, 2002). If it does seem to pertain to certain events or people, I do apologize. It maybe that I was forced to use the words that have been running around inside my head. But it is applicable to my reactions. And I do fall into the same mode at certain times.

Despite having learned one's lesson from the past. Even if we say we have matured. There will always be that "behavioral default system" we go back to. That kind of behavior that we resort to when that part of us that we keep hidden from those we feel are capable of inflicting so much pain is threatened. To situations that can leave hurt and pain to your soul- that which can change your life forever- your tendency is to automatically shut the doors. It comes instinctly. It is as if the warning signs go out and the vault locks. You once again detach from anyone and anything. What complicates it more is realizing that it could come from a person you thought would have shielded you, a person you trusted or the person you considered your friend. The irony that you gave your trust and that person handed back betrayal. And the pain this brings causes you to go back into your shell. We switch to the "behavioral default system." Because this is the time that the spirit and flesh are both weak. We physically and emotionally do not want to fight. Quite like an emergency system. A defense.

Questions abound. You smoke one cigarette after the other. Alcohol can become a close friend. This is the time you value silence and solitude. There is s tendency to analyze each minute and the circumstances that have passed. You ask the ultimate question....Why did I let it happen? What went wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could that person do this to me? You flood your mind trying to dissect each part of the situation.

The difficulty of this "behavioural default system" is that it becomes such a task to get back to being the way it was. After the sting of the events, you still feel the throbbing of your heart. It has left its scar. Something that even time will have a challenge in healing. And there will always be that apprehension to be the same person. There is anxiety that you maybe hurt in that intensity again. That another person may decieve you in the same way. So the challenge is how to gather strength from the positive things that have to you and at the same time keep the lessons from the negative endeavors.

If there is one thing to remember when we sucumb to this certain frame of mind (yes I'm still talking about the "behavioral default system"). The important thing is what we become after each ordeal. I choose to be positive. It might be easier said than done but it is possible. I hold on to that possibility, for I know that as the clouds part after the rain I will see a clearer sky!