Catching Dreams

You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Understanding oneself can be quite a challenge. There are certain reactions to some situations that we even we surprise ourselves.. Could it be the "default system" at work?

There was just a feeling that there is a need to detach from certain people tonight. Too much disclosure of oneself in a very unstable time may not be welcomed by some people. It was just too much too soon. Continuing with that kind of openess can jeopardize the friendship or worse be interpreted in the wrong way. From the start, the motive was pure. Friendship and no other expectations or levels as they put it. However at this point in time, there is an air of doubt that can be felt. That trust is not a 100% and detachment is necessary.

I did not want to detach. I wanted to continue showing them who I was. And yet the reactions to my actions were unnatural, even uncalled for. It prompted me to say things I somehow regret.

I feel the guilt though. I didnt want him to feel bad. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hold his hand and assure him that evrything was fine with us. I wanted to tell him that I was paranoid. For him to know how I truly felt. Fear stopped me. I was afraid he would not understand it the way I wanted him to or the way I meant it to be. IN the quiet depths of my soul I wanted this man to be my friend. How do you tell him that?

A man I could say anything and evrything too. Share my insights. Tell him my pain and confusion about men. Ask him how I can fully comprehend this beings that give us women such hurt and still having the safety of not being misjudged. I sense his heart it is pure and considerate. Truly a man of depth and courage of the spirit. He is a brother and friend. Fortunately, NEVER a lover.

Knowing I do not have control of his friends feelings, emotions and reactions, I choose to give space. Think for a while and regroup. Pray and learn to come back to the middle.