Catching Dreams

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Everything changes…
Everything falls apart…
I can’t stand to feel myself loosing control,
In the deep of my weakness I know.
-Sarah MacLachan


If its vulnerability then at this point in time I am at the summit of it.

Past loves have settled down and some have finally accepted who they are and I feel like I have been left at the base camp. So I keep myself preoccupied with career and friendships that I have gotten used to these kinds of relationships. Everyday different individuals come and go at this station. Some of them manage to leave me with the hope that the person I am looking for does exist. And with this I keep my tent.

At this moment, I bundle up my sleeping bag and pack my tent. For I shall take the risk to climb up this mountain. I am anxious and terrified as to what is in store for me. I find all my insecurities resurfacing. That of the physical as well as the emotional. And this is where vulnerability begins to creep in. For when you begin to open up your heart with someone, you feel as if you want everything to be right. And the limits that you have set seeing other people go through this phase are but beginning to fade. You give up one after the other. Until that protective wall falls to the ground, and you find yourself stripped to the barest of emotions.

At this state, I know I am exposed to pain. For a woman who naturally wears her heart out on her sleeve, being stripped to the barest makes me even more susceptible, gullible not to mention exposed to hurt. It is now that I try to remind myself that everything will fall into place. Living life to fullest includes in its package the confusion, disappointments, celebration, constant lost-in space moments and yes pain. But as I stand up each time to regain my balance I know that I am stronger and more mature yet. In this life were risks and changes are the constant I know that experiencing the extremes is can be beneficial if not essential.

I confess that I am scared of where I find myself now. But these are the situations that have been pitched at me. The ball is in my court as to how to play this game. Because as I look back at the road I traveled I have gone a long way to be a coward and turn back. I remind myself of the battle cry I share with my sisters—Courage is our creed! I accept each day as new day to learn, to stumble and to make the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. It is then that I know that I have made most out of the life force that the Great Spirit has given me. And in each chance I get I make sure to rejoice in the stories of the people that will always be part of my life.




March 20, 2004
The day I disappeared in the metro