Praying for My Own Blueberry Girl

...Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen;
Let her have brave days and
truth.
Let her go places that we've never been;
Trust and delight in her
youth.

Ladies of Grace, and Ladies of Favour,
And Ladies of Merciful
Night,
This is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Grant her your Clearness
of Sight.

Words can be worrisome, people complex;
Motives and
manners unclear.
Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right,
Free
from unkindness and fear.

Let her tell stories, and dance in the rain,
Somersaults, tumble and run;
Her joys must be high as her sorrows are
deep,
Let her grow like a weed in the sun...

sometimes i forget...

that i am a free
to choose...
to dream...
to imagine...
to create...
and to achieve anything i put my heart to!













so i choose to remember!

guarded hearts

what is it you protect
behind this fortress of yours
that despite the months
you have still been comfortably cautious

i am on one-brick-window-basis of your life
gradual releases of your choices and journeys
pushing out a brick enough to peer through
and then putting it back in

i reckon exhaustion is setting in
of having kept these walls, years counting
so come rest your hand on mine,
and allow me to balm your wounds

hush, dear thinker
draw near and lay your weary head
all is well, your baggage is safe on my watch















that is if you let me

photos are from The Drifter and the Gypsy blog

our story to tell

now i know that I have an "emotional maturity dam"
its that "thing" that holds and controls my emotions
because of it the surges of anger or happiness can be...
uhmmm..."managed"

yesterday that dam cracked and control was shaky
but thankfully my dam was stronger than I thought
it was able to hold on with just a few spills here and there
otherwise it would have been a very bad situation for me

in times like this I do have to be grateful for something
if it wasn't for the circumstances, i wouldn't have had an "opportunity"
funny how i manage to put quotations in words that are more than what they seem
this is my dam in control - hehe

yes, yesterday i was given a peek into a beautiful mind
it was like taking a tour into a different universe
filled with supernovas, quasars and black hole
a journey of the past, present and the possible future

the drought of unrestricted natural conversations has ended
my thirst for enganging dialogues has been more than quenched
over a few rounds, sausage and a sansrival cake,
i was able to believe once again...

at the end of the day its not about how much "work" you have accomplished
but rather the relationships you have with people
the fulfilment that you have given something good in someone's life
and in turn add value to your existence

to "you" thank you...
for the time and the spontaneous exchanges of stories
in them I realized that we all have a story to tell
and in these tales we learn that our experiences are indeed the best teacher

a daily ritual

i am experiencing a new kind of dance.
because of it, the thirst for significance
and drama is quenched on a daily basis.
it gives me a longing to get up everyday
just to experience what the next episode is.
each day brings out new things,
the constant discovery of what we have in common.
it's cute in it's own cheezy way.
from therapy moments. to relationship set-up and today music.
i am looking forward to our conversations in the days to come.

maybe this is what I should learn,
to enjoy the daily revelations.
to be patient, and enjoy this ride.
spontaneous and unhurried.

so this prayer, Lord I say...
AMEN!

HOW...

despite the friends and their reassurrances
the family and their consitency
work and career to get busy with
why do we still feel alone?

at the end of the day
we wish there was someone
to rant to then cuddle
to cook for
share stories with
laugh and cry
or just be silly with
add in some snaps for documentation

sadly, what i thought was a simple part of life
has ended up to be wait...a very very long wait
for countless wandering wanderers

which makes me ask,
is there a shortage of the opposite sex?
do we go and search for love or wait for it to find us?
how do we distinguish a stupid risk from a risk that we need to do?
why does it seem so complicated, or was it us that made these complications?
im tired of asking, waiting and second guessing!!

can someone just tell us...how?

excuse me you're blocking my goal

I learned how to ride the bike
by looking straight into the distance
keeping my eye on a focal point --
the destination.

i had been walking a thin line
the past few months,
and what kept me balanced
was that I had my eyes on something.

today some situations
blocked my view of the destination
and I felt the cold panic
of falling to the ground.

step away from my goal please
your casting a shadow on it
and it's making it look dark
and it's not how it should be.

i need to be bright and inspiring
especially during these times,
so I can work at full capacity
despite all the odds!

August Rush

this month sems to be going by so fast
which works for me and my countdown
81 days till i go back to "my 2nd home"
yipee!

and i'm bringing people to come and join the fun
let's see if the legend stands true,
that once one has a taste of the waters of Sabah
that they'll keep coming back for more

at day's end

there's that wish
that each time I turn the knob
someone is waiting
with hugs and kisses
that brushes the day's pain away

that you would be there
cause today i came home
missing you terribly

sense in this madness

there is still a big question mark above all this
i don't know where things will take us
but i do know i am enjoying the new you
be safe and well is my daily prayer for you

hopefully there will be sense in our madness

no time

so much i want to write about
like my recent trip back to kota kinabalu
the new job that is really keeping me busy
or my new crushie with a face that will never look sad

i could also tell you about the realizations i've experienced
one being that my mind can walk away, my heart is holding on

so many many things
i just dont have the time!

maybe...is this another game?

i like how it felt
but then
i am more mind than heart now
plus the doubts of rebound

so am i playing another game?
i think im too tired for that now

what then?
do u have the answers?
and will you reveal?

long goodbye

india arie sings...

u dont't have to stay forever
i take passion over pride
full moon, high tide
let's make it a long goodbye

tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces
try to mend our broken lives
soft kiss, sweet lies
let's make it a long goodbye


we need to always...
live passionately
love fully, unconditionally

cause we'll know when its time
to get up and walk away

it has for me

confessional boxes

we are each other's confessional boxes
where secrets freely roam
release, set free
and baggage no more

then we can return
to our lives lived deep
till the marrow of it we hit

what once was teasing
is now a friendship
unconventional yet refreshing
a mirror image of personalities
keeping connected, in touch

good night boxie
till our next confession

too many topic sentences. no body. argh.

so many things in my head i want to unload.
i try to write them down
but theres too much
and it ends up not making any sense.
like everything I write is a topic sentence
and I can't seem to follow through with a body.

does that happen to you? what do you when it does?

i suck as a writer.

am i willing to take a pay cut?

i bruise easily, so the song goes.
this one is true for me in many ways,
especially today.

i thought what they wanted to think over was the allowances.
so when I got the call,
i was expecting either yes or no regarding that.
but when they told me about the basic they were offering,
i felt a kick to the throat.
it was even lower than what my previous job was giving me.

i liked the company, and i wanted to join them.
but does that mean I'll take that much of a pay cut?
i wasn't asking for too much,
but what they wanted was way below industry standards.
like low, low, low, low!

this is why you need to have a plan B.
so that if plan A doesn't push through,
there's a net to catch you.
i don't have a plan B, not yet that is.

dear Lord, please let them reconsider.

redemption and hope

my intial interview for this company was a shock
right after it i found myself walking aimslesly in eastwood
thinking what was that, what was i thinking

so it was a shock that they called me in for a final interview
this time with the training manager

while waiting in the lobby for my name to be called
i was watching people go in and out and thought
theyre happy, and the culture is light
just the way i like it

the interview with the training manager went well
well i least I thought it did
and somehow I felt i was in the zone
i also liked how open the communication was
if he were my boss we would work well

so i am praying hard now
this is a company and a job that i am very much open to invest in

so friday, hopefully I get the verdict
please join me in lobbying with the heavens

and i pray

thank you jars of clay for writing what my heart has been shouting out

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

its not everyday that we get this opportunity.
thanks Ced! it was fun!


For the latest Philippine news stories and videos, visit GMANews.TV

argh

its been heavy
like constantly having weights
that i drag from place to place

emotional, confused yet hopeful
wanting more depth and essence
to what is here

crossing out the days till
all of this will shake right off
then i can start another year

this is for me

oh it has been a struggle
not thinking about you these past couple of days
what even makes it harder
is that you seem to have your own PR person

our friend comes in with pompoms
making sure i dont ever forget you
you should pay her well, cause she's working hard
trying to remind me each time we meet
the reason why you are who u are to me

so here i am resisting the very very (very) strong urge
not to send you an sms
while i ponder on how your day is now- with all the changes
or if i manage to slip in between your thoughts
of what to eat for breakfast or which is the best route to take
that same way i remember your when mr. curiousity plays
or when i gaze down at the white skull and bones stuck
on to my black slippers

no matter what gimmick I do, i won't seem to forget
I genuinely laughed and smiled because of you
I can exist well beyond my comfort zone thanks to you
despite this, it cannot be one-sided
however I rationalize things, there has be a give and a take
all i needed was something to hold on to, to which I got none
so I make a decision to which its consequences
I resist to even imagine
i may regret, i may swallow my words
but i am standing up for me, my spirit and my heart

i have accepted i can never own anybody
nor can I bribe a person to give me affection
no matter how much I love, or visualize, or pray
so i have to take steps forward now
i need to get back on track
and get back to my journey

mizpah 'yang...

di malilimutan

went venue hunting at UP Diliman today for a possible event client.

being in the campus can put u in a nostalgic mode. reminiscing tambayans and people. and seeing certain "spots" where memories where first casted.

yes UP di ka malilimutan.

what now?

when my room's a mess

it's usually a reflection

of how my mind is at the moment.

the feeling of wanting things to work

and fear of finally declaring that it won't

puts hand to my throat and i feel like throwing up.

its not about too many things

rather finding which things i want to keep

then it's believing that things will flow well

this is faith. and this i pray.

Only Php 3800 6996 Roundtrip to Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia on Cebu Pacific

its summer and vacation time very soon!
what better way to celebrate it than go on trip to sabah, malaysia.

i just checked online, and currently cebu pacific's MLA-KOTA KINABALU-MLA ticket
for the month of may to 1st week of july is ONLY 3800PESOS Php 6996 (as of March 13) round trip with tax.
since its a promo limited slots as per the airline.

i can help with the accommodation and booking your activities in kota kinabalu,
through trusted tour operators and backpacker lodges.
we also have options for hotels if you would like.

you may be interested...

· to see mt. kinabalu, which is southeast asia’s highest peak
· experience the thrill of white water rafting in either kiulu or padas river
· see the probosis monkey and firelflies on our garama rivercruise
· you can also explore the culture of the kadazan-dusun, badjao, murut and other sabahan tribes through their handicrafts, food and wine
· you can even get away for a nature safari in the Kinabatangan River
· a new secluded beach and diving resort has also recently been opened in mantanani kecil island

this will be your malaysian escapade, your memories!
and sabah being gifted with its beaches, mountains, forests and rivers
will definitely have something in store for you, your friends and even your family!

let me help you make your summer route of fun.
travelling is my passion. i’d be happy to share my own experiences and pictures.
you reach me at +639172085317
or email me at mhayrondael@yahoo.com

i would also appreciate if you can also refer me to friends that might be interested.
thanks!! happy travelling!

of names and symbols

was trying to do some research on name meanings and the etymology of names when I stumbled upon the website of hidden name meanings.

it said my name say this...

You have enormous vitality and originality making you a dynamic individual with great charm and sex appeal. You believe in putting hundred percent into all your activities of which there are many. You have potential to achieve great success in business or public affairs where your friendship and consideration of others wins you many allies. Your innate strength and determined effort is able to overcome any obstacles. Freedom is important to you.

i would agree about being dynamic (more of so many things happening at once), and in putting 100% in my many activities.

funny is that whether it be about me being a Gemini, or the meaning of my individual names (i have 2), even my native american totem being the Orca and now the hidden meaning in my name. They all say 2 things in common about me, that I want & like variety and that I value freedom. I'd have to agree as well.

In short, my sistah gege was right in tagging me as always inlove with life. i am madly in love with it.

choices

you always have a choice
(or at the very least influence)
to what happens in your life.

at the end of the day
what matters is you feel good
about who you have become
from the choices you make.

and if you dont,
believe that you can still make another choice,
to make you become better...then much better...
and even better...
day after day.

things have been changing...rather changed!

old trees are being uprooted
and new ones may be planted soon
so many changes in my backyard
i am afraid i may not recognize it
when I go home

it's his last day in the company today
after today, there will other events
that will change what i called home.

part of me accepts, and part is sad
sad because changes bring a phase of unknown.
you are part of the picture when i speak of "home"
and by tomorrow
i have to get used to some people not being where they usually are
that by the time I do get there some guys may be on a different raft.

i hold on to the assurance that despite the movement
that it's not about the company, but rather the relationship
that the friendship is what's important.

we may move on to other places, jobs or get married
but that does not change that we are friends.

n said that we will not know
what will happen tomorrow or a week from now
what's been happening the past couple of weeks
is giving the statement its truth.

jangan kamu lupa! we will keep in touch!

dear God,

i have this growing feeling in me
that i want to explore beyond my box
that i want to be able to see if i can exist
apart from what i deem comfortable

to pack my bags and open a new door
to another world that i do not know yet

i ask that you create doors for me
and remind me they can come in many shapes

i'd like to be able to go to a new place
for at least a year
this is my hearts wish

Graduating Life With Honors

Song Of Myself
by Walt Whitman

"You shall no longer take things at second or third hand,
not look through the eyes of the dead,
nor feed on the spectres in books.

You shall not look through my eyes either,
nor take things from me,
you shall listen to all sides
and filter them from yourself."

silly silly men

yes you are a silly man
which little bird
told you that getting engaged
solves problems?
point, so i can shoot it

i should hit you in the head
theres more sense in that

havent we all learned
from our other friend
who didnt do it out of love
now theres 2 of you, oh make that 3!

open your eyes
there is still hope
you silly silly men....

______________

20 Feb 2009

i like giving pet names
so to the 3 of you
i officially knight as you as
the tunang boys

yes you are boys that
in my opinion have hangups
one didnt do it out of love
the other did it to get noticed
by the woman he really loved
and the newest member...
why did you go through with it na nga?

*sigh*

benjamin said...

For what it's worth:
it's never too late or, in my case,
too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit,
stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same,
there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength
to start all over again.

-the curious case of benjamin button

then i cried and then laughed.

it happens quite often like a natural reaction
because in my life, I embrace
the marriage of comedy and drama.

that these too opposites have solemly sworn
to be a couple in each and every moment
of my life journey

this movie proved, i am not alone in this thinking.

there was once a little girl...

that loved to sing this song ...



she memorized it
it even came with some fancy sign language hand movements

it was back when...
she had passion
and in her head she could see
where it was she wanted to go.

then the notes changed
together with things around her.

today, the song found her again.

Zahir

AKU BUKAN UNTUK MU
I'm Not Meant For You
by Rossa

You used to love me
You used to want me
Although you never had my answer
Didn't mean that you should leave me

Now you're going astray
Now you're leaving me
Just when I started to rely on you
And I plead you to forgive me

I regret that I've made you cry
And let you choose someone else
But don't ever deny your destiny
Because it must be the best for you

Don't ever remember me anymore
I'm not meant for you
Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

Now you're going astray
Now you're leaving me
Just when I started to rely on you
And I plead you to forgive me


I regret that I've made you cry
And let you choose someone else
But don't ever deny your destiny
Because it must be the best for you

Don't ever remember me anymore
I'm not meant for you
Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

Even if I beg and ask for your heart
Don't ever leave her for me

but it's mine

there is something that you want
you choose the path
and yet it seems the roads are long
the wait lead to questions
more and more questions lead you to doubt

and yet you tell yourself...
but this is MY dream

its based on how i see myself
and what i would want
it reflects my emotions
it has been shaped by my journeys
validated by the people i have met
shouldn't it be what i follow...
my own map to my own future...

can ones dream or personal legend be wrong?
if so how can we trust what is right?

and so it is...

thanks goes out to ivan
spamps and pangs
support group - mary, kai, ate tin
catorce sta. catalina posse

dream catching

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

cycle of acceptance

to hope,
to want,
and gracefully accept the opposite.
this i know.

this is how it has been,
but hopefully how it will not always be.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Who would...

taken from A Cup of Jo

jammed up and overanalyzing

my head at this point
is like an intersection with a busted traffic light
every thought trying to get to their destination
only to be cut off by another rushing through
colliding into the incoming
each one trying to honk their horn
and flash their lights
its been like this for days
nothing comes through in one piece
utter chaos

my initial reaction - analyze and fix
nothing, so i analyze some more
till there is no more
and i am all thinked out
frustrated
stressed
i tired!

i dont know how the light got busted
and i definitely am clueless at how to fix it

what a way to start my year
i need to turn this around
*sounds the whistle*

Birthdays and Harvest Festivals

this is a very late post on kaamatan.
but i was surfing accent videos online and found this.
its actually is a nice song which describes the festival.

kaamatan is a harvest festival of the kadasan-dusun tribe of sabah.
each May the tribe celebrate it, each area of sabah a different date,
which makes a month long celebration.
last year, i was able to celebrate it in kota kinabalu
may 30, my birthday, and the entire KK also clebrates with me.
that makes it memorable.

if you get to be in Sabah this year, join in the fun.
the music, food and rice wines...
may 30 will always be a festival for them.
to me it's also celebrating and toasting to a generous harvest of life.

Need to Start Marketing Us

Its 2009!

so happy new year everyone.

i enjoy planning.
there's no better time to do this than the start of the year.
so for this week I will be planning out my entire year.
and who knows i may even write about it here as i go along.
i know i should have done this towards the end of december.
but cut me some slack cause it has been the most hectic 2 weeks in my life.
it seems everyone came home this year.
family friends that i havent seen for a long time
made a trip down from the US and Canada
indeed so many things, so little time.
one of things i need to do though, aside from finishing my Accent Reduction Module,
is to start looking for new clients.
the freelance world is all new to me,
but i am sure loving the challenge.

so i’ve been reading the Freelance Switch
and they have a very informative post on 101 Ideas to Get More Freelance Work.
this was very helpful.
i guess it’s about time
i get this business out there.