ANOTHER MESSENGER

yet another one sent by the Great Spirit. funny how they get better everytime. but they are also sent with the tag that says "not the one, but a proof that THE ONE exists."

my gratitude and the prayer that you continue to live your life with the extraordinary way of seeing things!

GOING PLACES

puerto galera has always been the place to go when I need to recharge my tired spirit, but this weekend was simply different. I WENT TO MINDANAO! It was a roadtrip from Cagayan de Oro, Iligan City and Bukidnon. What makes it even more exciting was being stuck with 3 adventurous people.

i have always abided by the fact that work should always be fun. and that's was how our Team CARAGAX (don't forget the x for X-factor!) works! true to their word...stick with them and you'll definitely go places. postering, looking out for comelec people, leafletting and field advertising has never been more fun. It was a roadtrip that took me away from the cruel world. from going to the maximum underdrive challenge and going all the way to valencia, bukidnon and who would forget the waterfall part. simply amazing!

i owe it to you bage dearie and mius huney. of course we didn't have to go that far if it wasn't for jo! Jesus H. Christ!!!

the french man

i found him! of course thank you google!!! he made me feel like a true princess, and nothing can beat that. despite the relationship being really short it was something I will never forget! and he's involved in independent films now, I'm proud of that! i miss him... i hope he emails back...

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love is game?

i don't understand this game anymore. it's tiring and I don't even know how I got in it in the first place.

i know I know where I stand with this man, we are friends...buddies. but I don't see why it still has to be difficult. could it be that I make it hard for me? i tell myself I am not expecting anything but when he doesn't show up I feel disappointed. it makes me ask if he's hiding something or if he just doesn't want to see me. argh! until when will I remain patient? i really don't know the answer to that. but as of this moment i still have a little voice inside me that says "keep on..." but once that goes away, I know its time to move on. my goodness! talk about having an effect on me.

i let this happen and I will see it through...

you've got a journey to make
there's your horizon to chase
so go far beyond where we stand
no matter the distance
I'm holding your hand...
sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
---Vienna Teng


the fog has cleared up...
now I know where I stand. I am happy. i feel much much lighter. and i can focus on the job at hand. it was hard to concentrate when you feel that someone is feeling bad because of you.

we are friends. pals as we now call one another. not that I am closing my door. but i'm taking it slow. there is attraction and i will not deny that, however it better to build with a strong foundation than one that is bound to fail. i still think too much. i sometimes analyze what the days has in store. but I will not know, so I will take it a day at a time.

cest la vie!

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We’ve come so far in this desert…
Shine with all the untold,
Hold the light given to you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose.
-Vienna Teng


She wanted time alone for herself this weekend. To deal with the emotions that she had been feeling for weeks now. She has been taking one blow after the other, and had too many puzzle pieces that didn’t seem to fit. The clutter was keeping her from setting her gaze straight, too many reflections on the side mirror and it was hard to drive. And somehow she feels that the setbacks have jeopardized her work. More and she knew her name would suffer and that was out of the question. Her reputation was the only investment in life that she had.

Every now and then we need to take time to sit down put the pieces together and see what the picture it creates. Too many stray pieces can be frustrating, since it goes to show that there is no goal and it’s a strike as it comes kind of life that your leading rather than that of purpose.

I guess that was what she was looking for…her purpose. Believing that change is constant in life has helped her cope. Back in college she thought she had everything figured out and after leaving university all she had to do was to materialize the dreams. But then life showed her numerous turns. She took some of them and it changed her. She has come to terms of her being a free spirit. It is not easy being one. But having this knowledge she has began the growth of becoming the best of who she can be.

And so she has been confronting herself…what now? She has wanted a sense of stability, in career and in her life. But there’s more of life, she thought. Despite everything she has experienced, there is a vast ocean awaiting still. She still needs to set sail to many seas, to more ports, to brave more storms. Only then can she find that one safe harbor, that place she will call home.

And so as a fresh week arrives she will look to life with more enthusiasm. Renewed and ready to face what squalls that will come her way. For in the end it will be a beautiful sunset that awaits this woman who wears her out on her sleeve.

_________________ ... ___________________ ... ____________________

Everything changes…
Everything falls apart…
I can’t stand to feel myself loosing control,
In the deep of my weakness I know.
-Sarah MacLachan


If its vulnerability then at this point in time I am at the summit of it.

Past loves have settled down and some have finally accepted who they are and I feel like I have been left at the base camp. So I keep myself preoccupied with career and friendships that I have gotten used to these kinds of relationships. Everyday different individuals come and go at this station. Some of them manage to leave me with the hope that the person I am looking for does exist. And with this I keep my tent.

At this moment, I bundle up my sleeping bag and pack my tent. For I shall take the risk to climb up this mountain. I am anxious and terrified as to what is in store for me. I find all my insecurities resurfacing. That of the physical as well as the emotional. And this is where vulnerability begins to creep in. For when you begin to open up your heart with someone, you feel as if you want everything to be right. And the limits that you have set seeing other people go through this phase are but beginning to fade. You give up one after the other. Until that protective wall falls to the ground, and you find yourself stripped to the barest of emotions.

At this state, I know I am exposed to pain. For a woman who naturally wears her heart out on her sleeve, being stripped to the barest makes me even more susceptible, gullible not to mention exposed to hurt. It is now that I try to remind myself that everything will fall into place. Living life to fullest includes in its package the confusion, disappointments, celebration, constant lost-in space moments and yes pain. But as I stand up each time to regain my balance I know that I am stronger and more mature yet. In this life were risks and changes are the constant I know that experiencing the extremes is can be beneficial if not essential.

I confess that I am scared of where I find myself now. But these are the situations that have been pitched at me. The ball is in my court as to how to play this game. Because as I look back at the road I traveled I have gone a long way to be a coward and turn back. I remind myself of the battle cry I share with my sisters—Courage is our creed! I accept each day as new day to learn, to stumble and to make the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. It is then that I know that I have made most out of the life force that the Great Spirit has given me. And in each chance I get I make sure to rejoice in the stories of the people that will always be part of my life.




March 20, 2004
The day I disappeared in the metro

i will disappear this weekend...
i wanted to go to my sanctuary,
to once again be lullabyed by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore
but time will not permit
and i maybe summoned to the headquarters
and be called in to do responsibilities
those that go beyond what i should be doing...

so my alternative is that I will stay within the urban jungle,
yet far from the stress that continues to pour in each day...
such an overwhelming amount, that I am drowned
i shall work but i will do so with the music that stimulates creativity.
all by myself!!!

i can be a pit paranoid at times. but today I believe I was I little bit over the edge. I'm not used to these mind games anymore. Can't it be just easier and more honest?

I'm really beginning to like him (I know some friends who would donk me in the head for this statement). I wanna be careful but I don't want to also loose the opportunity. In this confused state, I know that Alystaire has a point in saying chill. But my heart tells otherwise and my intellect seems to be in unison with it. I don't want to feel pain anymore. But then again, maybe it would be more painful if I don't even allow myself to explore the possibilty. I've always been the woman who wears her heart out on a sleeve. And in a way it gets me trouble, but looking back it has made my life worth it. I guess my friends are sometimes wondering why it is that sometimes even with their constant warning I still manage to sneak past them and most of the time...find myself a pain source.

Right now I find myself just wanting more and more of the attention he gives. As one friend said, there is less of the "being with him" and more of the "talking with him." But I enjoy the talking with him, because I get so much from his stories. I really don't know what will happen I am in limbo till we see each other again, but then I just want to be as honest as I can. If this relationship works and he is as sincere as he says he is then I will be so thankful.

till my next blog....

i have always said that the constant thing about life are RISKS...
and i know that I am willing to dive in or tackle it on, but sometimes when it stares you in the face your left frozen stiff.

so here i am in limbo...i just accepted the fact that i get attracted to the wrong "men" and now I am tredding the waters of much mature man. i know that i shouldn't even be bothering about this right now but then I just want to be able to unleash the emotions that is boiling inside of me.

i know its mere longing. but i am affected by the lack of "it" in my life. i always comfort myself by saying i should be patient. but haven't I been? i have had enough of learning from the men that come and go. i want one that i can keep for a much longer time. you can't help but sometimes ask, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I feel the strain. The thread is being stretched. A lil bit more and I know it will snap. As my default low-esteem self is, I blame no less than…ME! This campaign is really getting on my nerves. The people, the instability, the hourly changes in the schedule. Is this really a constant in my life? Or did I choose it? Or could it be because I let them do it to me. I am affected by the tiniest of things because I let it affect me. But shouldn’t I be?

Part of me doesn’t even care. But most part of me wants to get to the bottom of things. Am I doing it all wrong? I need to take a step back and explore the probabilities of this stress point. Why do I feel this way? Is it mere burn out. If it is then why do I get so burnt out easily? There must be something wrong with me work style. Frustration sets in now. I need to get out more often. Maybe I need solitude more often. Maybe I should just go back to being an EA.

i close my eyes...
and i can see the melody of the shore's colors,
made more vivid and clear by the sun's rays
i can taste the saltiness of the wind's breeze,
a reminder of healing and relaxation.

i am yearning for my sanctuary.
a place where i weave my dreams.
to meditate
to relax
to savour life
and invite healing.

i am taking the trip back to my heart...

You are an Ocean Beauty!
Like the ocean itself,
You are deep, complex, ever-changing,

Turbulent and chaotic,
Yet also calm and peaceful

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

the orca needs the sea!

to once again be one with the ocean
to be in her habitat
a place where she feels she can be free

i am adrift in this ocean of life. where, akwardly, I know not what I truly feel. on most days I am happy and proud of where I am in my journey. yet on certain days when I am in solitude, I feel the insecurities creeping in and I hurriedly surround myself with the people I feel safe with.

what is causing this I do not know. but what I do know is that, when I fall into murky waters I will always surface feeling more confident that I will SURVIVE!

To me the greatest of all is still love. When we realize what it really is then we will all agree. What saddens me though is how people put restrictions to this beautiful experience. I myself am guilty of it. Not once but numerous times. It makes me all the more marvel about it, for it simply says that love can never be defined by words, emotions or by certain outcomes that we believe was a result of being in love.

Love, like all other beautiful things, is not just felt…it is experienced. It not merely for our companion in life, but for those that we deem our treasures in this world, our family, friends, and memorabilia that seems to bring back the days gone by. It could even be for things we find fulfillment in doing.

Love is also a verb. An experience we can give to the relationships that matter. It exists in each one of us. Clouded by how majority of the world sees it as. But when each one of us can tap into this great passion, then we find a different satisfaction to situations where we can share this experience.

Judge me as being too positive, and I will tell you that I myself thought love has given me pains and scars, at times even saline soaked eyes, sleepless nights and a fear of its shadow. Yet when I find time alone and ponder on what has been, I realize that it has but given me strength in every way, in facing tomorrow, in being able to give more of it the next time and of grasping how to make each relationship matter.

Life seems meaningless if we do not set our hearts and minds to achieving something when the light of it is to be put out. For me life is about the legacy of the relationships that one has fostered. And love is about making each one extraordinary.

So to those that have led me to this awareness and proven how achievable it is, gratitude to you from my hearts depth. To my family that expresses love in an unusual way. To my two eternal sisters, Ann and Jejee, for not letting distance and lifestyle hinder the bond that will always exist within us. To my soul sisters, who take no fear in making me see the possible outcomes of my decisions, but still understanding that I need to learn from each encounter. To friends that despite chaotic careers manage to sense when I need them. To two unexpected friends (Kenner and Jun), for making me realize the balance of work and play, long live Gemini personality! To the messengers that the Great Spirit has sent to remind me that I will find that one man in the opportune moment. To this place I will always call my home, where my Orca spirit can be one with the water and my soul refreshed and renewed.

I continue to pray that everyone may be able to experience this kind of life. Not a life that seem to be perfect, but one that acknowledges how to cope through the tough times and still be able to deal with the frustrations along the way. For then we make life worth it. Blessed be.

frustration sets in today. not with people but with the system. a system that makes you hope but then drops you like a potato. then you fell like everything you have worked for is null and void. despite giving blood, sweat and tears.

in the world we live in it is so rare to find men that are gentlemen. i was beginning to be a believer that chilvary IS dead. until i met these two men. they've been a SMS away for the past few days. and they're company when my other friends seem to be busy with their own lives. i find the gesture of them being there so comforting. especially in a time in my life that I just need the assurance that i am not alone.

a tour of dreams

with my fingers, i can count the days i have left in Tourism. it has been a rewarding 3 1/2 months and i wish I had worked here much sooner. and now each day brings me closer and closer to the end. i don't want to leave!

but as they say every door that closes opens up a window. yes, by february8 i will be involved (as a key player) in a nationwide senatorial campaign. exciting! last january 1, as i was soaked in a foamy tub in Holiday Inn, i had asked what this year will bring. the past year brought me people and opportunities, i believe this year will take me on a flying carpet tour of dreams i never thought was possible. and maybe love --i wish it does. for a gemini, this is something we have always wanted. excitment, thrills and an adventure into the unknown.

so now I look forward to the days to come. to unviel dream after dream. to encounter people that will make me grow. to find "him." to simply continue on loving life and take pleasure in being alive...

a sweep of sadness fills me today. why i feel so I do not know but its if I want to cry. I don't know who to tell or if i even should bother my friends about it. i know I get over this but i need to write about this day.