its off to puerto galera for us by tomorrow 6:00am!
i am looking forward to going back to my beach therapy.
to leave worries behind and seek serene sorroundings.
there is a need for me to focus on certain things and relax.

i am excited.

Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to everyone!!!

Thank you for sharing a part of yourselves with me... a toast to the coming year... for more opportunities to grab and alot more memories to look back to!

...my stupid mouth got me in trouble…

it might just be my paranoia, but right now I just wish to turn back the hands of time. I should have just kept quiet and watched the movie. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth and tried to crack a smart comment. It’s me and my natural craving to attention I guess. Next I should try to remain silent. Enjoy the moment.

Again I could be simply over reacting. How I wish I really just am. If I did say something uncalled for, I am sorry. Offending you will never be on my to do list. You, of all people would know deeply in your heart who you truly are sans others unsolicited remarks.

---tries to review past 30minutes in mind---

my bad! can i Rewind life? NOT! Sorry again!
_______________________________

APPRECIATING MIRACLES

In some weird way I feel that there have been a lot of changes in my life. Not everything might be for the better, but the optimist in me says it is a step toward the big word- MATURITY.

Since I moved out of my parent’s house. There seems to have been something altered in my logical functions. I am currently a practical-analyzer. A very big way of saying--I think things through. Sometimes even to a level that I myself say is too much. But I find myself constantly trying to balance my act by weird outbursts of spontaneity. I would still try to have a lot of fun. Carpe diem as they say.

Living with two best friends helps a whole heap. They have brought out a lot in me. We are not perfect and yet we co-exist. We manage to understand how the same situations in life can have different reactions from different personalities of diverse family backgrounds. We may want to bite each other’s head of at times, knowing each ones default personality system makes it easier to take. We manage to live in harmony.

‘Tis now I look back and there is but one recurring miracle in my life, FRIENDSHIP.

I am blessed with people that may have walked in and out of my life but has managed to leave their mark and make me who I am today. To me they are crayons that made my life a very vibrant and dynamic one. Others have remained close while some though far away has been within me everyday in spirit. There are those that are “unexpected friends.” People that seem to be there at the right place and a very difficult time. They were like a soothing balm for my wounded heart, chicken soup for my soul and shoulder to cry on. What more can I ask for?


Others think that I trust too much or that I am an optimist. But what I stand on is my own little picket fence for what a friend is to me. There is no high wall for these people, no fool-proof test for their commitment. I have accepted that one thing constant in life- RISKS! I do not hate those that I once called my friends and yet they turn away and leave me in a confused state. I doubt too. I have questioned the essence of friendship so many times. But the only thing logical for me is that things happen for a reason. They were made to cross my path to teach me a lesson no textbook can. That to me is what life is. A constant learning through experience made deeper by time. It will eventually turn out good. Why? I don’t know, it’s a mystery.

In another online journal, a woman described herself as...I am drama. I concur.

My Abba, you are the source for all of these. I may have often caused you frustrations and yet you have always helped me understand why life is how it is. You have been a guide and my anchor when it gets very stormy. Thank you for my friends. Bless them lavishly. May they feel the heartfelt appreciation, though sometimes not vocalized, but is very much felt. May they sense how much I love them

why do people have to think bad of other people?
why do they need to find something worng about the way you do work?
jealousy in the workplace perhaps?
insecurity?
why we can't we just do our jobs well and not pry in other people's lives?


i'm insecure but I don't vent it out on other people...geeez...some people....

Last night was a fun wild night. All five of us were together after a long time. Watering Hole was the venue as usual, X Power in the background. Booze..ciggies...and dancing! Its good to unwind with friends that you enjoy, trust and love.

Archie came...got me almost drunk...but not quite! ha! But he did manage to get my friend really whoozy. I like going out with these people because its not merely a night out for nothing. There is always a mission. It may be to boost one's self-esteem or to simply unwind and let go. I could also be to help one cope with a recent pain. Whatever it coud be...the only one thing is TO HAVE FUN! And I can proudly say my sisses know what FUN is all about. Other people may look at it funny or find it weird what matters is how you feel inside after that night. We're not perfect but we know how to live life to its fullest. Saying that I made this day the most of what it can be.

CARPE DIEM!

I am in a frenzy. Each passing hour is a step closer to me calling him. He’s here for vacation, and the last time I talked to him we were talking about serious stuff. About quitting our jobs and going for our dreams. He’s a person that I can really talk for hours about opinions and realizations. Now he’s back.

When he left to return back to his home in America, I released him. I wanted to get to know him more but I couldn’t ask him to stay. I’m not even sure if was the least bit interested in what I had to say or do. But we did keep in touch. He would email and we talk using MSN messenger.

Now I don’t know what to feel that he’s back. Well I’ll take it a day at a time! Enjoying each moment....

One fine day! It was a very long day for me. I came home from my conference call at about 3am and slept by 3:30. I woke up by 9am to prepare for the Christening of my friends baby. Everything went well.

I went into a catholic church again (no, I not catholic). There is something about churches that fascinates me. Serenity and peacefulness are two of them. In a weird twist of fate there was a wedding there that day. My friend Cristina was with me, the white flowers just immediately triggered the thought of how my wedding will be. And I told her of the dream wedding I have kept only in my secret journals.

I shopped from 3 – 7pm. I am so exhausted. At least I have gotten my friends their Christmas presents. An accomplishment.

I went out to watch a movie with Alystaire by 9pm called Blue Crush. It’s a surfing movie. It was awesome not to mention a catalyst to once again review my life and contemplate.

SURFING LIFE'S LESSONS

Having watched the movie “BLUE CRUSH,” featuring Kate Bosworth as Anne Marie , Michelle Rodriguez as Eden (there’s something in her that I really admire), Sanoe Lake as Lena and Matthew Davis as Matt Tollman (the guy from Legally Blonde that I love!), this is the result of my thought process.

Indeed life is like surfing. It may look simple and fun, but its NEVER easy. You gotta endure a lot of things. Go through rigorous training and in the end the mere fact that you got through “the pipe” (a wave that closes in on you like a pipe or barrel) makes it a sweet victory.

The past days my mind has been asking my heart, “What do you want to do?” I know that if I want to accomplish something it will be easy if I put my whole heart and mind into it. The problem is I do not what I want to do. Talk about a dilemna.

I do not understand why I am questioning my dreams and plans in life. Its like, there is no focus in what I want to do anymore. I do not wish to undergo the rigorous training. Have I given up? I just want to sit on my board and let time pass me by, from sunrise till sunset. I want to think and eventually exhaust myself in doing so, now what? I always thought that I wanted to be able to teach and make children appreciate theater arts. But now I don’t see myself there anymore. Thinking that if I find a man everything will be okay. I think have set myself up for a “wipe out” (that’s when you never get through the wave, and you crash and get eaten up by the waves). This not the solution.

There is that particular line in the movie that really hit me hard. It was between Anne Marie and Matt. Here’s my vague recall of it.

Anne Marie: Tell me what to do?
Matt: What do you want to do?
Anne Marie: I want to be able to pay my bills on the same month… I want to be able to win the Pipe Masters.
Matt: You know what to do.
Anne Marie: NO! Tell me what you want me to do?
Matt: I want you to be the same girl I met on the beach.
Anne Marie: Who was that girl?
Matt: A girl that doesn’t need a man to tell her what to do.

Wham! It just hit straight. Have I actually been waiting for a man to be able to answer that same question?

Now that got me thinking.

No, I don’t. Whatever I want to do I can very well do it. As Alystaire would say, we have the guts and everything else to be able to do whatever it is we want to do, the problem is we don’t know what it is we want to do. Having a man is not the answer. They won’t be able to do it for us anyway, only we can do it ourselves.

I don’t need a man in my life to begin surfing the waves. All I need is my spirit to get out there. And the more you seek, the more you don’t find and you end up getting frustrated. When frustration sets in, your spirit gets weak. You try every possible means of attracting a man. That makes you vulnerable to conforming to what they want, lowering you standards. Even to the point that you say, “Just any man will do!” You compromise, not knowing that, that leaves you attracting the wrong ones…which leads you to one heartache after another. Worse of all-- to bitterness.

If it’s a vision of the future that I need then that’s what I should start pursuing now. NOW is the operative term. In surfing when you don’t get the guts to paddle and try to get on the board, then you never will be able to surf and ride a good wave. Each wave will just come crashing in on you. We gotta start now. Take the risk...Feel the rush...

From Ribbons to High-heeled Shoes

I hate goodbyes. When I heard Binocular’s “Don’t Say Goodbye, Say Goodnight” I loved the song. Another thought bubble I can sing to. And now it has been playing in my mind over and over.

A part of my life is moving away. Did I say a significant part of my life? She’s moving for good to work in the US and little does she know, but it has been tearing me up inside. I grew up with this person. Our parent’s were friends for so long and we were even born in the same year. We were the three little girls that grew up in Sunday School. We have managed to lead different lives but in the depths of our soul we know we are connected. They were the sisters I never had. I was the first to move away. I lived in Cebu for two whole years. We coped well. We wrote each other letters and called it the Rainbow Writer’s Club. Why the name? It’s a child thing. When I came back, it was like I never moved away. Not too much emotional dependence yet.

We went from ribbons to high-heeled shoes. And then it was Anjelsa’s turn to move away. She went with her family to move to the US. It was hard because this was the time that we wanted more sleep-overs and talk about why we started feeling icky with boys. She wrote a lot. Sent mounds of pictures. I felt I was there with her. Meanwhile Alystaire and I had our own share of growing up.

Our friendship is different. We never went to the same school. We had different set of friends. We only saw each other Sundays and special occasions. But we were close. Our families were close too. It wasn’t the same going into womanhood with one so far away. But we managed. There was email. Then there were the phone calls (by now we could afford it). Keeping in touch was sporadic but it always a special event to hear from her. Alystaire was our link. Whenever she would travel to the US she would bring pictures of the Philippines and when she got back there were more pictures of her and Angelsa. Even videos. Then Angelsa got married.

It almost killed me that I wasn’t there for her wedding. You know how as girls we always planned out our weddings and knew who had to be there. I was supposed to be there. I tried so hard to get a passport and Visa. But it wasn’t that easy. I had to content myself with the pictures and video. It was not the same. I missed a very special event that no one can bring back. But we kept in touch. I called the day of the wedding and just cried. And now it’s Alystaire’s turn to move away.

Lately, we have been sharing parts of our life that we thought the other would not be able to understand. We started to open up our little pandora’s box. It strengthened the bond. It’s not everyday that we see each other. But we know that when one is going through a “crisis” the other will be there to listen. It was me she called when she broke up from a long relationship. She was the first person I confessed when I was falling for this guy. It will different without her near. I don’t even know if she knows how much she means to me. But we have to move on. At least they will still have each other. And now they can call me more often! Humor keeps me from getting all mushy. So now to lessen the blow, don’t say goodbye….say goodnight. It makes me go back to that time we were jumping up and down our beds.

To the two of you who I have shared my entire life, I definitely miss you. I look forward to a day we can all be together and talk about what our life has become. Live life to the fullest and may the same God we believe in be our guide and link our hearts. I love you both so dearly! Mizpah is all I say!