Catching Dreams

February 14 - 21, 2003
the DE LA CRUZ COUSINS

i have spent time with the de la cruz cousins and i was just amazed by the relationship they have with one another. the respect. the protection they offer. the way they try to shield each other. to stand up against a stranger that may inflict harm. i could not help but look back my relationship with my cousins.

i thought that filipinos were more family centered. but why is it that i only have kept in touch with like 3 cousins. to think that we all live in the philippines. why can these dlc cousins that have lived the "american way" and scattered all over the US still be so close?
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17 February 2003
SBC Libis

Once again alone with my thoughts. Another Seattles moment. My heart willingly surrenders to my mind. Indeed I am still confused.

I had a dream two days back that I was preparing for a training session, I just told my class that I was going to get some papers in my station. On my way back to the training room, I couldn’t find my way back. I couldn’t find the room. Does that validate my feeling of being lost?

I thought that I have made progress in my life. That finally I have found the career for me. My dream job. Then why is it that I am no longer happy? It seems that the passion will not suffice. I have this impression that instead of contributing to the wholeness of my being, it robs me of precious time to do the things that really matter. Is it my carefree spirit getting in the way of success or is it my definition and the pride of being a successful career girl that’s getting in the way of my happiness. Questions flourish, bombarding my thought, yearning an answer from my heart.

I sense the need to ask myself, when is it that I am genuinely happy?

I am happy when I am by the beach hearing the waves crashing into the shore. It is when I am infront of an audience, and hear their laughter or applause. Sharing a cup of coffee with friends and talking about how we make the most out of each day in our lives. I get an extraordinary uplift when I am busy with my hands, creating something out of nothings. The play of colors when I start blending color after color of my oil pastels on a sheet of paper. The excitement when I am with children, running and playing with an innocence I will would never want to loose. That’s when I feel like a child again, daddy’s little girl. An image of a girl on the swing embracing the gush of wind as she sways through the air.

Then why am not happy? Why do I feel like I am stuck in a rut?

I still do not know the answer. And I have been struggling to climb out of the ditch I am in. But what I do know is, things happen for a reason. Maybe these series of situations and the burn-out that I feel, are simply encouraging me to expand beyond my comfort zones. Knowing that without risks there will be no battles won. As I have gone through the different chapters in my life I have equipped myself with the character, strength, courage and the wisdom. It is now time to start a new one.