Her Christmas Gift

anticipation is what fills her as she counts down the days till she finds herself in another country for 10 sunrises! a place where a someone is at least willing to give her the most wonderful Christmas gift ever...time and presence. though to some she seems to be opening herself to hurt and heartbreak, she shoves the thought and knows to simply enjoy the moment.

to herself she utters a sigh of contentment with the opportunity given her, for she knows that it is the best her new friend can devote. once again she will feel that she is a woman...capable of love and being showed loved. though it may seem temporary, for the chance she is thankful.

to you, the man with a gentle soul and enthusiasm of a child, she offers a prayer. may your heart forever be one that dances!

"GF"

was it that I had preparing myself for the news all this time. seeing the letters "gf" on that sms gripped my heart and yet i felt like I was anticipating that moment. an overwhelming sadness filled me and i just wanted to relieve myself of the pain with tears. for the 30minutes the warm drops fell and then there was none. 'twas as if that was all it took and then acceptance came over me. even now as I write this I feel that it was not a loss. and though his emotions are for another woman I know I have your companionship...forever.

the promise of a friendship, despite my wanting it to go down a different road makes the goodnight sincere. so i guess you were another messenger sent by the Great Spirit. and now I am back to status quo, to waiting and praying...

Feeling Small

a surge of feeling small came upon me today. the fact that one was chosen over me, seem to really affect me. why is it that I feel I am trying to compete for attention? when I very well know that I should be secured with who I am and what I can be. I'm not very proud at me when I start feeling this way. argh...

a wise saying I should prolly digest at this point is...
"It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak."
--From Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho

Heart's Desire

Oh, Great Spirit grant that which is in my heart
Clear my thoughts and calm my heart
For the past has given it some pounding
Reconcile my emotions and intellect
But nevertheless perservere for a cause
For risks in life are constant
and this i believe deserves one

You Will Be Missed

i've tried to put off me writing about this. I thought I can just let it go...but somehow it just wont go away. today while sorting out my yahoo photo album, i chanced upon his picture again. so here goes.

i couldn't really call you my close friend. but can say that you have been a part of my existence. from the handmade soaps, sanctum nights and those parties that seem to just leave us exhausted from dancing and boozed up. and who wouldn't forget Studio 54 at Greenbelt...we went from complaints to praises...who ever thought that would be my last memory of you.

weren't we all just having a great time with the music and the free beers that night. that was the weekend before I left for Siargao. i even invited you for some paintball when I get back. and that conversation we had about passing me on your cellphone since it was "the phone" i really wanted. and it would also be "the phone" that would make all other plans hanging...forever. is the world really this cruel?

the passing away of a person can lead us to realize alot of things we take for granted in our own lives. sad that you you left at such a young age...I would like to thank you for inspiring me to live life to the fullest and to constantly celebrate life day by day. I will miss you Joselu!!

Child-Like Enthusiasm

Odd how the picture of the guy I like becomes my computer’s wallpaper. Could it be my way to hang on to the memories? To be reminded of him constantly? I guess so. What happens then when I take it down?

Tonight I take his picture down. Since I don’t have orca pictures, I have replaced it with dolphins to remind me of the element I am comfortable in…the water. As I swap it I tell myself, it’s time to surrender to destiny once again. I confess to the fact that there was an attraction with this wonderful man. It is not everyday that I get to meet anyone like him. Someone who sincerely made me feel taken cared of. Brings me to the thought that maybe I am searching for that certain kind of kindness.

They call it a mother’s instinct, but I have always been looking out for people. I find fulfillment in it, but somehow I get to a point that I long for its reciprocation. A powerful realization and confession on my part, yet it is the truth. Once a man shows me that sort of attention, I melt and it never fails. Call it a soft spot. But the usual challenge is to be able to distinguish the genuineness of that show of sensitivity. Sadly, to some men it is nothing but a mere performance. But after meeting him and his friend I found the refreshing burst that sincerity is still possible.

With the new company up, I need to focus on our vision. And with the inspiration of you I give it a go. I now sort out that my job is reality and you are the inspiration. And when fate brings us together, then only will I really know if my feelings for you are what it seems to be. For now I content myself with the memory of a man that shared the child-like spirit. Someone who genuinely knows how to take care of a woman. You are a scarcity in this earth, and I am fortunate to have met you. Indeed what matters in this life is the company and friendships we have and then we can turn any situation into a party.

I'm Officially Missing You

your face is the first on my mind when I wake up...
and the last to leave my subconcious as I succumb to slumber...
i know not why you have this effect on me.
every waking moment the image of your sweet smile fills my thoughts
and if I had the power i would wish for you to be here
to fill my day with laughter and inspiration


yes I am a bit hooked. a weird effect by a man I had known for a very short time. yet in that brief period I felt something, beyond attraction for him. i cannot describe it. he is part rogue and part little boy. with an attitude that just seems to draw me even closer to him. when he is in his sport jersey he a boy at play. in jeans and a shirt, he's my rogue, a man that imspires me to be better. i want to understand why fate has to keep us apart. and draining as it is, i know there is a good reason. and even if the questions abound as to reciprocity, i know that I am willing to take it a step at a time.

HANGOVERed

what would you call the feeling that you long for someone the whole day? and the song "officially missing you" takes a whole new meaning.

yes, i have been stung by the so-called "bug" once again. and somehow this time it really made it's way deep, too deep that all efforts to shake it off has just resulted to exhaustion, physically and emotionally. now i'm dazed and confused. and honestly I am at a lost on how to effectively handle this. all i can say is..he got me at hello (dang! there's goes my drama once again)!

i guess i would just have to ride this through. and who knows Siargao may bring some surprises. Otherwise...I'm packing for Malaysia soon!

The only way to live life is to wake up each morning ready to face an infinite possibilities of what the day might bring. One can never be prepared enough; it's simply accepting and believing that we were given this soul for a purpose. And everyday is a step of a journey to finally knowing what it is.

There will never be an instruction manual on how to live one's life. We just have to go through it and feel what it has to offer. We get hurt; we learn and simply continue on. Its making the most out of every experience that goes our way. Disappointments, frustrations and bad decisions are part of the adventure yet it shouldn't be a reason to give up.

Maybe I write this to convince to myself. Because after a while though you believe in the journey, your character becomes exhausted with the daily ordeals you have to face. So I need to remind myself that it's all part of it. At times I feel the urge to raise my hands in defeat, and yet my spirit doesn't allow it, and so through daily musings I encourage myself to pause and then continue on the voyage

Slow down you crazy child
You your so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if ur so smart
Then tell me why are u still afraid
Where's the fire what's the hurry about
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and so may hours in a day
-from the movie "13 Going 30 "


Disappointment and frustration arise when one fails to accept the situation that they are in. They fight the current and end up exhausted from all the aimless fluttering and kicking. What one forgets is that life will always be about changes and transforming oneself with it. It might be easier said than done, but realizing is always a start.
Now I know how it is to be on a verge of depression.

I feel as if I am drowning in uncertainties. So much of it abounds in my life, that all I aspire for is to surface from them…alive.

Once again my vision is clouded, that even the path that lay ahead of me is obscured. I live a day at a time, reactive…instead of proactive. I feel I am paralyzed. This is when frustration and disappointments can triumph over one's spirit, and I refuse to succumb to these two. I believe there is more to me and I have to get my act together.

circle of women

a circle of women that awed the political playing field....definitely beauty and brains...

Posted by Hello

with the bosses

SETTLE? NOT!

Tonight, I trod the path to what seems like freedom from the bondage of settling for mere companionship. The operative word-- MERE.

All my life I have jumped from man to man convincing myself that he is worth the emotions-- and consecutively the pain. But what I tried to dismiss was the fact that for most of them, what I thought was acceptance of the entire persona was just a way for me to prolong my agony until the next, and hopefully better one comes along. In some of those men I did find genuine attraction, but it wasn’t the right man or it wasn’t the appropriate time. And for a stubborn person like me, thirsty to experience what life has to bring I embraced each one with eagerness, eventually teaching my heart to create an illusion in most of these affairs. A daydream, of what to me is a guy who I can and would want a commitment with, and yet the only thing they can reciprocate with, was at the most--friendship.

I knew from the time I meet these people that I was going to fall for each one. Not because there was something mystical about the person, nor was it sheer destiny, but because I have mastered the art of observing the traits of each man and have taught myself to appreciate that which is delightful and learn to accept the eccentricities. What I failed to see was that, I was getting into these “friendships” for the wrong reasons. For very selfish reasons. That in my bouts with loneliness there can be one that I can turn to for companionship. I not only got myself into a friendship of pretensions, but in turn, i deceived myself.

So tonight I realize that the path to freedom can be awkward. But as each pain cuts through my flesh I find my mind opening to what can be a relationship with these men that is more genuine and if not, rewarding. I cut each bind I have created and start anew. There are things to learn and most definitely unlearn. But in the end, this life is not about just finding yourself, but rather in creating and re-creating oneself.

victory party

You are the fox.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

My muse.
Gratitude to you.
For you have revealed that which I truly seek.
To look into one’s heart, and find the kindness of the soul

With this I grasp the Great Spirit’s message
To tell my heart to be steadfast and believe
That he will come and I will recognize
The same gentleness you have showed me

May healing come to you
Be contented and at peace
Value that which has been given to you
Go, and devote thyself to them
And unconditionally love.

so did ya miss me??

i haven't written in my blog for the longest time. it used to be a daily cleansing routine. that was when I had access to the internet everyday and my own computer at work. it's not that i stopped writing, i still do. but I do it in our home computer and sometimes I don't get to upload them here because of my busy schedule.

but i guess this (blogging) will be a habit i will never be able to shake off. i'll start posting again.

Here I am again, feeling the stir. A restless heart that seem to be in search for meaning, to ask my questions and seek for the answers. I wish to go beyond the self, and share me to others as I usually have. To live wisely, love generously and praise loudly. And so I praise two people that despite all odds and pride, I know love me with all their heart.

It is not everyday that we realize how much our mother and father has contributed to our lives. Most of us in this generation go through that phase that we question the love our parents have for us. We judge them of being narrow-minded and authoritarian. What we fail to see is that, though it may be a cliché, all they want is what is best for us.

As I usually say, I wish life came with an instruction manual. We can read the how to’s when we are faced with a difficult situation. But then wouldn’t that take away the spontaneity of life and thus make us too boring?

Raising up a child is not easy. I have seen my parents do it to me and two brothers. I’ve seen the challenges and the sacrifices my friends had to make to rear up my two god-children, whom I consider as my own. With this I imagine, how difficult it could have been for my mama and papa to make me who I am today. They didn’t get instruction manuals either. I confess I didn’t make it easy for them. I was stubborn, I went by what I wanted and I rebelled. I broke their heart most of the time. And every time I did that I was also hurting myself for hurting the two people that love me the most.

I have been blessed. Because regardless of the ache I caused them, they were always willing to forgive and to surround me with support each time I fell down. I have been given parents that challenged me to experience life from different perspectives. They taught me that the needs will be provided for but that I must work for my wants. Through example they left me with the legacy of love, compassion and offering yourself for other people. Now I appreciate that the constant caravan to the next assignment location, which I despised as a young girl, educated me to be flexible and to understand the world in which we live in. A world that can be harsh, but nevertheless full of people that seek meaning in their lives. People that deserve our respect and understanding.

I have a father, who showed me what it was to be loyal and dedicated to any endeavor that you believe in. He gave me the gift of conversation and travel that no one can ever take away. He believed in what I can achieve, and felt sad when I give up. He was my trainer on what it is to be independent and being responsible for your actions. There was also my mother who taught me what it is to be a strong woman. She opened my heart & soul to the importance of music and art in one’s life. That crying didn’t mean weakness but instead being true to one’s emotions. She showed me that sacrifices have to be made at a point in our existence, and you can be happy after that.

This experience made me who I am today, a survivalist, someone who can exist in almost any situation. One that knows that in being open minded, there is also that responsibility to set limits. That ones freedom ends when we are going beyond the freedom of another individual. And though it took me a while to understand all of it, the credit is due them. I love you both.

i am in a whirl of thought processes today. blame it on pre-natal day life analysis, normal at some point. for it is in asking that you find answers and learn to make yourself more mature.

another year has passed and the best way to describe it is one great ADVENTURE! I wasn't expecting that by making a risky decision to leave the call center industry, it would actually enable me to catch more dreams into my web. dreams that give you the inspiration to finally take a wave. many times I have wanted to paddle hard and ride a wave, but I have hesitated and took the "safe ones." not anymore. i took the wave i feared the most and it has given me the ride of my life.

doors have opened and are opening that sometimes I am left overwhelmed. what i had thought as mere possibilities have become reality. all it took was for me to say enough is enough it's time to follow my heart...

now i see a vision for myself. the clouds have parted and what seemed a gloomy life is now being filled with the rays of an optimistic sun. i look forward to more beads on my dreamcatcher. dreams caught and filtered down to the eagle feathers and into my life. this is my analysis...this is what my life has been the last year.

ANOTHER MESSENGER

yet another one sent by the Great Spirit. funny how they get better everytime. but they are also sent with the tag that says "not the one, but a proof that THE ONE exists."

my gratitude and the prayer that you continue to live your life with the extraordinary way of seeing things!

GOING PLACES

puerto galera has always been the place to go when I need to recharge my tired spirit, but this weekend was simply different. I WENT TO MINDANAO! It was a roadtrip from Cagayan de Oro, Iligan City and Bukidnon. What makes it even more exciting was being stuck with 3 adventurous people.

i have always abided by the fact that work should always be fun. and that's was how our Team CARAGAX (don't forget the x for X-factor!) works! true to their word...stick with them and you'll definitely go places. postering, looking out for comelec people, leafletting and field advertising has never been more fun. It was a roadtrip that took me away from the cruel world. from going to the maximum underdrive challenge and going all the way to valencia, bukidnon and who would forget the waterfall part. simply amazing!

i owe it to you bage dearie and mius huney. of course we didn't have to go that far if it wasn't for jo! Jesus H. Christ!!!

the french man

i found him! of course thank you google!!! he made me feel like a true princess, and nothing can beat that. despite the relationship being really short it was something I will never forget! and he's involved in independent films now, I'm proud of that! i miss him... i hope he emails back...

________________________________

love is game?

i don't understand this game anymore. it's tiring and I don't even know how I got in it in the first place.

i know I know where I stand with this man, we are friends...buddies. but I don't see why it still has to be difficult. could it be that I make it hard for me? i tell myself I am not expecting anything but when he doesn't show up I feel disappointed. it makes me ask if he's hiding something or if he just doesn't want to see me. argh! until when will I remain patient? i really don't know the answer to that. but as of this moment i still have a little voice inside me that says "keep on..." but once that goes away, I know its time to move on. my goodness! talk about having an effect on me.

i let this happen and I will see it through...

you've got a journey to make
there's your horizon to chase
so go far beyond where we stand
no matter the distance
I'm holding your hand...
sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
---Vienna Teng


the fog has cleared up...
now I know where I stand. I am happy. i feel much much lighter. and i can focus on the job at hand. it was hard to concentrate when you feel that someone is feeling bad because of you.

we are friends. pals as we now call one another. not that I am closing my door. but i'm taking it slow. there is attraction and i will not deny that, however it better to build with a strong foundation than one that is bound to fail. i still think too much. i sometimes analyze what the days has in store. but I will not know, so I will take it a day at a time.

cest la vie!

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We’ve come so far in this desert…
Shine with all the untold,
Hold the light given to you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose.
-Vienna Teng


She wanted time alone for herself this weekend. To deal with the emotions that she had been feeling for weeks now. She has been taking one blow after the other, and had too many puzzle pieces that didn’t seem to fit. The clutter was keeping her from setting her gaze straight, too many reflections on the side mirror and it was hard to drive. And somehow she feels that the setbacks have jeopardized her work. More and she knew her name would suffer and that was out of the question. Her reputation was the only investment in life that she had.

Every now and then we need to take time to sit down put the pieces together and see what the picture it creates. Too many stray pieces can be frustrating, since it goes to show that there is no goal and it’s a strike as it comes kind of life that your leading rather than that of purpose.

I guess that was what she was looking for…her purpose. Believing that change is constant in life has helped her cope. Back in college she thought she had everything figured out and after leaving university all she had to do was to materialize the dreams. But then life showed her numerous turns. She took some of them and it changed her. She has come to terms of her being a free spirit. It is not easy being one. But having this knowledge she has began the growth of becoming the best of who she can be.

And so she has been confronting herself…what now? She has wanted a sense of stability, in career and in her life. But there’s more of life, she thought. Despite everything she has experienced, there is a vast ocean awaiting still. She still needs to set sail to many seas, to more ports, to brave more storms. Only then can she find that one safe harbor, that place she will call home.

And so as a fresh week arrives she will look to life with more enthusiasm. Renewed and ready to face what squalls that will come her way. For in the end it will be a beautiful sunset that awaits this woman who wears her out on her sleeve.

_________________ ... ___________________ ... ____________________

Everything changes…
Everything falls apart…
I can’t stand to feel myself loosing control,
In the deep of my weakness I know.
-Sarah MacLachan


If its vulnerability then at this point in time I am at the summit of it.

Past loves have settled down and some have finally accepted who they are and I feel like I have been left at the base camp. So I keep myself preoccupied with career and friendships that I have gotten used to these kinds of relationships. Everyday different individuals come and go at this station. Some of them manage to leave me with the hope that the person I am looking for does exist. And with this I keep my tent.

At this moment, I bundle up my sleeping bag and pack my tent. For I shall take the risk to climb up this mountain. I am anxious and terrified as to what is in store for me. I find all my insecurities resurfacing. That of the physical as well as the emotional. And this is where vulnerability begins to creep in. For when you begin to open up your heart with someone, you feel as if you want everything to be right. And the limits that you have set seeing other people go through this phase are but beginning to fade. You give up one after the other. Until that protective wall falls to the ground, and you find yourself stripped to the barest of emotions.

At this state, I know I am exposed to pain. For a woman who naturally wears her heart out on her sleeve, being stripped to the barest makes me even more susceptible, gullible not to mention exposed to hurt. It is now that I try to remind myself that everything will fall into place. Living life to fullest includes in its package the confusion, disappointments, celebration, constant lost-in space moments and yes pain. But as I stand up each time to regain my balance I know that I am stronger and more mature yet. In this life were risks and changes are the constant I know that experiencing the extremes is can be beneficial if not essential.

I confess that I am scared of where I find myself now. But these are the situations that have been pitched at me. The ball is in my court as to how to play this game. Because as I look back at the road I traveled I have gone a long way to be a coward and turn back. I remind myself of the battle cry I share with my sisters—Courage is our creed! I accept each day as new day to learn, to stumble and to make the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. It is then that I know that I have made most out of the life force that the Great Spirit has given me. And in each chance I get I make sure to rejoice in the stories of the people that will always be part of my life.




March 20, 2004
The day I disappeared in the metro

i will disappear this weekend...
i wanted to go to my sanctuary,
to once again be lullabyed by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore
but time will not permit
and i maybe summoned to the headquarters
and be called in to do responsibilities
those that go beyond what i should be doing...

so my alternative is that I will stay within the urban jungle,
yet far from the stress that continues to pour in each day...
such an overwhelming amount, that I am drowned
i shall work but i will do so with the music that stimulates creativity.
all by myself!!!

i can be a pit paranoid at times. but today I believe I was I little bit over the edge. I'm not used to these mind games anymore. Can't it be just easier and more honest?

I'm really beginning to like him (I know some friends who would donk me in the head for this statement). I wanna be careful but I don't want to also loose the opportunity. In this confused state, I know that Alystaire has a point in saying chill. But my heart tells otherwise and my intellect seems to be in unison with it. I don't want to feel pain anymore. But then again, maybe it would be more painful if I don't even allow myself to explore the possibilty. I've always been the woman who wears her heart out on a sleeve. And in a way it gets me trouble, but looking back it has made my life worth it. I guess my friends are sometimes wondering why it is that sometimes even with their constant warning I still manage to sneak past them and most of the time...find myself a pain source.

Right now I find myself just wanting more and more of the attention he gives. As one friend said, there is less of the "being with him" and more of the "talking with him." But I enjoy the talking with him, because I get so much from his stories. I really don't know what will happen I am in limbo till we see each other again, but then I just want to be as honest as I can. If this relationship works and he is as sincere as he says he is then I will be so thankful.

till my next blog....

i have always said that the constant thing about life are RISKS...
and i know that I am willing to dive in or tackle it on, but sometimes when it stares you in the face your left frozen stiff.

so here i am in limbo...i just accepted the fact that i get attracted to the wrong "men" and now I am tredding the waters of much mature man. i know that i shouldn't even be bothering about this right now but then I just want to be able to unleash the emotions that is boiling inside of me.

i know its mere longing. but i am affected by the lack of "it" in my life. i always comfort myself by saying i should be patient. but haven't I been? i have had enough of learning from the men that come and go. i want one that i can keep for a much longer time. you can't help but sometimes ask, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I feel the strain. The thread is being stretched. A lil bit more and I know it will snap. As my default low-esteem self is, I blame no less than…ME! This campaign is really getting on my nerves. The people, the instability, the hourly changes in the schedule. Is this really a constant in my life? Or did I choose it? Or could it be because I let them do it to me. I am affected by the tiniest of things because I let it affect me. But shouldn’t I be?

Part of me doesn’t even care. But most part of me wants to get to the bottom of things. Am I doing it all wrong? I need to take a step back and explore the probabilities of this stress point. Why do I feel this way? Is it mere burn out. If it is then why do I get so burnt out easily? There must be something wrong with me work style. Frustration sets in now. I need to get out more often. Maybe I need solitude more often. Maybe I should just go back to being an EA.

i close my eyes...
and i can see the melody of the shore's colors,
made more vivid and clear by the sun's rays
i can taste the saltiness of the wind's breeze,
a reminder of healing and relaxation.

i am yearning for my sanctuary.
a place where i weave my dreams.
to meditate
to relax
to savour life
and invite healing.

i am taking the trip back to my heart...

You are an Ocean Beauty!
Like the ocean itself,
You are deep, complex, ever-changing,

Turbulent and chaotic,
Yet also calm and peaceful

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

the orca needs the sea!

to once again be one with the ocean
to be in her habitat
a place where she feels she can be free

i am adrift in this ocean of life. where, akwardly, I know not what I truly feel. on most days I am happy and proud of where I am in my journey. yet on certain days when I am in solitude, I feel the insecurities creeping in and I hurriedly surround myself with the people I feel safe with.

what is causing this I do not know. but what I do know is that, when I fall into murky waters I will always surface feeling more confident that I will SURVIVE!

To me the greatest of all is still love. When we realize what it really is then we will all agree. What saddens me though is how people put restrictions to this beautiful experience. I myself am guilty of it. Not once but numerous times. It makes me all the more marvel about it, for it simply says that love can never be defined by words, emotions or by certain outcomes that we believe was a result of being in love.

Love, like all other beautiful things, is not just felt…it is experienced. It not merely for our companion in life, but for those that we deem our treasures in this world, our family, friends, and memorabilia that seems to bring back the days gone by. It could even be for things we find fulfillment in doing.

Love is also a verb. An experience we can give to the relationships that matter. It exists in each one of us. Clouded by how majority of the world sees it as. But when each one of us can tap into this great passion, then we find a different satisfaction to situations where we can share this experience.

Judge me as being too positive, and I will tell you that I myself thought love has given me pains and scars, at times even saline soaked eyes, sleepless nights and a fear of its shadow. Yet when I find time alone and ponder on what has been, I realize that it has but given me strength in every way, in facing tomorrow, in being able to give more of it the next time and of grasping how to make each relationship matter.

Life seems meaningless if we do not set our hearts and minds to achieving something when the light of it is to be put out. For me life is about the legacy of the relationships that one has fostered. And love is about making each one extraordinary.

So to those that have led me to this awareness and proven how achievable it is, gratitude to you from my hearts depth. To my family that expresses love in an unusual way. To my two eternal sisters, Ann and Jejee, for not letting distance and lifestyle hinder the bond that will always exist within us. To my soul sisters, who take no fear in making me see the possible outcomes of my decisions, but still understanding that I need to learn from each encounter. To friends that despite chaotic careers manage to sense when I need them. To two unexpected friends (Kenner and Jun), for making me realize the balance of work and play, long live Gemini personality! To the messengers that the Great Spirit has sent to remind me that I will find that one man in the opportune moment. To this place I will always call my home, where my Orca spirit can be one with the water and my soul refreshed and renewed.

I continue to pray that everyone may be able to experience this kind of life. Not a life that seem to be perfect, but one that acknowledges how to cope through the tough times and still be able to deal with the frustrations along the way. For then we make life worth it. Blessed be.

frustration sets in today. not with people but with the system. a system that makes you hope but then drops you like a potato. then you fell like everything you have worked for is null and void. despite giving blood, sweat and tears.

in the world we live in it is so rare to find men that are gentlemen. i was beginning to be a believer that chilvary IS dead. until i met these two men. they've been a SMS away for the past few days. and they're company when my other friends seem to be busy with their own lives. i find the gesture of them being there so comforting. especially in a time in my life that I just need the assurance that i am not alone.

a tour of dreams

with my fingers, i can count the days i have left in Tourism. it has been a rewarding 3 1/2 months and i wish I had worked here much sooner. and now each day brings me closer and closer to the end. i don't want to leave!

but as they say every door that closes opens up a window. yes, by february8 i will be involved (as a key player) in a nationwide senatorial campaign. exciting! last january 1, as i was soaked in a foamy tub in Holiday Inn, i had asked what this year will bring. the past year brought me people and opportunities, i believe this year will take me on a flying carpet tour of dreams i never thought was possible. and maybe love --i wish it does. for a gemini, this is something we have always wanted. excitment, thrills and an adventure into the unknown.

so now I look forward to the days to come. to unviel dream after dream. to encounter people that will make me grow. to find "him." to simply continue on loving life and take pleasure in being alive...

a sweep of sadness fills me today. why i feel so I do not know but its if I want to cry. I don't know who to tell or if i even should bother my friends about it. i know I get over this but i need to write about this day.

There have been a lot of moments to celebrate as well as to learn from in 2003. I feel a sense of pride in having achieved these in my life. But with the sensation of happiness I also feel that is more to my life than just that, a yearning to seek out further. Don’t get me wrong I have never been tough on myself. Not a perfectionist even. It’s just my hunger for life. Yes, I am a free spirit, a wanderer as some say. Always wanting something different, always wanting to be someplace else, it seems to some people that I do this because I do not know what I want in my life. Aimless and fluttering without direction. But the truth of it is because I do aim for something, I seek for a place to fly to. That is to enjoy life as it comes, and to share that sense of being alive to people who seek and have that same hunger for living. It is not that I have no perception for contentment, but instead it is not to stop in merely attaining material things, a successful career, a wonderful family or in popularity. It is in being fulfilled. Of being able to say I tried and I have done my best in whatever it is I have put my heart to do.

So now I see the New Year as another opportunity to do what I do best, survive and live life with the enthusiasm of a child. A fresh page to lay my pen and fill it with more tales of triumph over the negativity that prevails in the world. To be able to at least touch a soul whose wick may have been dampened by the circumstances in their lives and in turn be inspired by their renewed spirit.

Next adventure please!