Alas, A Night Alone in Seattles Best

Just finished watching “Die Another Day” in Megamall. Being in the area I just couldn’t resist the temptation of returning to “a familiar place.” A place I called home, where I used to be seen so frequently. A not-so-secret-garden wherein I can take the time and look into myself, sans the chaos of the world. Amidst the strangers around, I shut out. With my coffee and luckies I retreat into the depths of my soul. It is now that I can look back at the new puzzle pieces I have collected from this so-called-life I lead. Unusually, the typical crowds I bump into are not here, a sign that I need this “alone time.”

In fact, there is a need for me to restore my “alone time.” It used to be my Sabbath, a pause from a long week, to refresh my mind. Every Sunday evening at this same place, armed with a good book and my raspberry tea I sit and reminisce. Then work took over. My tired body would rather retreat and sleep than go to Ortigas for a cup of tea. Though I get to do that at home, being here is different. This is my “thinking ground,” a spot to analyze and fit the new pieces into my life puzzle.

Yes, I view life as a puzzle. Each event, person and situation is a puzzle piece. I do not know when I will get to see the whole picture, but it is a work in progress. There are some parts that are coming into view and make out a clear portrait but there are more scattered pieces that at this point do not make sense at all. As days unfold I get a section here and there. But it is during my “alone time” that I get to piece them together. Unfortunately I haven’t had that hiatus from work long enough to do so. How I long for Puerto Galera and its rejuvenating powers. This is probably the reason why I feel that my life is so cluttered. A fragment here…chunks there and I don’t understand their value to the whole puzzle. But things happen for a reason as I always say, but lately I have not sat down and taken the time to realize the bigger picture. Where am I now? Am I still on the right course? Did I take a wrong turn? How do I stand up from having tripped over a rock? What do I do next?

Too preoccupied to even pause and reflect. I feel my decisions have been done haphazardly. I am no longer dancing to the beat of my own drum, rather to that of the people I want to make an impression. I seem to have lost me.

Great Spirit, I call for wisdom and peace of mind once again. Sustain the energy to press on toward the goal. Reaffirm my dreams and aspirations. Teach my heart to be steadfast. Take my hand, and lead me back into the world with the assurance that you have a destiny set out for me. Amen.

Finally a Time to Relax

Ahh...the perks of working for the kind of company I work for...we get to have the long Thanksgiving break!!! Even if we do not celebrate the said holiday in the Philippines, it makes sense that we be given the weekend off. Who are we going to call if everyone is out celebrating in the US? I love this job!! Well...not everything about it though...

Finally I am through with my training session. Three days of coming to work early and talking for like 5 hours straight (well not exactly straight I manage to give them breaks and sneak up on some posting and chatting =P) its exhausting!! Tonight Itake the time off and go to "Watering Hole," one of my fave bars not because it offers drinks extraordinaire, but its accessibility and the memories we have of the place. Jansi, Rachel and myself are like "groupies" of this band called the X-Power- managed by a our friend Enchie- so we usually watch almost all of their shows. It's been a way to keep us sane with all the pressure and stress in our lives. So, we just dance the night away- from RnB...to Hip Hop...to Techno or trance! Its a cycle...we watch the band...have a few drinks...go home together (since we have our own apartment now)...then we talk and analyze the events in our lives...we give each other a pat on the back and when we feel the energy drained out of our system (mind you we have an awful lot of this so calle "ENERGY") ....we eventually go to sleep! Ahhh...habitual existence? Not really, cause then we wake up and try our best to exist in our own chosen worlds. Then at night (or day, we have odd jobs) we have our own little gathering and fuse our individual kingdoms into a faerie's haven!!

The perks of living with friends. To Jansi and Rachel, Enchie too, I never really had the time (or probably courage) to tell you how thankful I am of this friendship. My soul sisters! We may have certain days that we value each one's privacy and I am just amazed how we just do it. We give each one the space to sulk, realize and grow. Each day we go through our own lives knowing that if we do make a boo boo...there will be friends that will offer a drink, play the right music, light a candle and say..."Tara incense talks tayo!"

I love you guys!

Unsure of the Emotion


I feel uneasy tonight. Its like there has been a cloud above my head. That I have the tendency to attachment myself to something or someone. Its like when I am given attention over a prolonged period of time, I feel like I would die if I won't be able to see the person or talk to him. I do not even know the real score. I do not even know his real motives. Its like the instinct and power of being a discerning woman has been blinded and now I feel so disoriented. Almost immobilized.

Maybe there is that longing within. It could be that my soft spot has been reached and I am left vulnerable. I have the tendency to mistake this as falling in love and wishing it he could be the one. Hoping I am right this time. That I have found true love. But experience has taught me well. I learned to build a wall to stop my myself from taking the leap, guess I am too slow at times. Little do I know I have taken the plunge, not evening knowing if he would catch me below. Then I dust off the dirt on my clothes and realize there was no one there. I took the fall alone. Darn the feeling of betrayal, not aimed at him or anyone else but at me. I ask my heart why it has not sensed this pain coming? Enough tattoes on my mind!! I don't need them. Never again?? Maybe not...its all up to fate...

This is the last about this feeling for now...I am too tired.

A quote I totally agree with...do you???

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever. -Ally Mcbeal

Another Day

Guess another day has passed. And as someone would usually say "Get some sleep!" Oh well I guess I will.

The Rice Bowl Journals is back! Finally. This community has really been wonderful.. They have shown loyalty and spirit amidst the storm. Congratulations Carlos and the RBJers!

Work has been crazy, another new account and I have training due by Monday. I hope I survive this. This situation will help me cope though. Good thing that there are people that keep being infront of the computer less stressful. I guess you guys know who you are. The laughs have been stress relieving. My brother is in the hospital though. That is not good. He had to be rushed as of last night since his fever ws too high and he had a very bad cough. Please pray for health. I'm really going to be serious about my vitamins. I really don't want to be sick. On the other hand, I can consider it as an opportunity to stay home and rest. I really need it.

Gotta go. See you online *wink* wink* ...

Hanging by the Moment

On my way to my sanctuary called home and yet I hold back and write an entry. My friends have been supportive through what I'm going through. Guess its just a matter of knowing who the true ones are. Well guess most of mine are really part of what we called "sifted" through time. Amazingly even some online aquiantances have been really suportive too. Thanks eveyone you're all wonderful, because of you I am hanging by each moment. Waiting for things to unfold. Keeping a positive attitude!

Happy Birthday RBJ!!! We are all waiting for you return. Its been a great community. A good release for me.

A discovery. Vienna Teng's music is just so beautiful! The rythym is just soothing and the lyrics are so simple yet it speaks from the heart. Truly a remarkable woman. You guys should listen to it. Thank you Vienna!

Guess I will call it a night. My friend is waiting.

Truly I am blessed.

Abundant Confusion

There is a feeling of heaviness around me. It has been like this for the past week. Everything is just going down in a spiral. Even my career is threatened. My friends call it burn out. I want to understand what it really is. I don't the like the feeling it gives me. Could it be a reminder that I should be pursuing my dream? Am I going to be sick soon (that's why I feel as if energy has been drained out of me)? Is it a hormonal thing? Darn it!!! What is it??

Another thing is I am so emotional nowadays. Its like going down the nostalgia route. Everyday I've been remembering something from my childhood, the Cebu era, my Xientia memoirs and UP escapades. I hear songs and I just lapse into space. I have mastered the art of shutting myself out, even amidst a crowd. I have been keeping away of strangers or crowded places. It has been hard to avoid saline-soaked eyes. Its like there is so much pressure that would like to come out. Is this a sign I am loosing my grip? Or is it just a reminder that despite my wanting to be prepared or organized in my life there will always be things that is beyond our bounds. Things we cannot control. Things I would need to let go.

I have only been seeking the comfort of close, time-tested friends I have. Not that I doubt the others its just that I do not want to explain myself anymore. When I'm with them, I know I am not judged and that patience and understanding is within maximum tolerance. So I feel better. I laugh and I dance and I know I am alright. But why is it that when I am at work I go back to being indifferent? I couldn't even finish things in my to do list. Frustration is creeping in.

Great Spirit, my Abba, I pray. Grant me wisdom to discern the source of this instability. Help accept the things that I can do something about and things I need to lift up to you. I once again crawl on to your lap my Father and just rest my weary head, my broken heart and my shattered soul. May rest and healing flow.

Shopping!!!

Pay day today! Wahoo!! My friends and I went to the nearby Eastwood City night market and started spending away. But I had to constantly remind myself on what I really needed. Its so hard that the work environment is sooo near the leisure places. Guess I've turned into a practical shopper now a days. I just buy what I really need. If I do get some extra I would rather take a trip to Puerto Galera.

I bought two shirts for only 50 pesos ($1=51Pesos) each. Not a bad find. I also got the shoes I wanted. It's a pair of black slip-on shoes with indian-inspired embroiderie and I was able to ask the shop owner to give it to me for 320 pesos. I am so proud I got what I wanted. Now I just need to pay for the apartment and buy groceries.

I also recently joined the Rice Bowl Journals Message Boards. Pretty neat online community. I've been addicted to reading what they have to say and write-up a reply. I've checked my profile and it said I post an average of 9.7 posts a day. Guess I am addicted!!! Well to the RBJers thanks for the warm welcome!

I really need to finish that training design tomorrow I hope I have the strength to do it!

Affirmations

Sometimes a woman's mind can really brew up such a swirl of thoughts and possibilities. If they do not find an answer to what is bothering them, then they begin to "seek" for the answer. Armed with intuition and flare to analyze (or should be say overanalyze) she begins to dissect the events that had lead to the situation.

I feel so silly. I confess (so shoot me now!), I judged him to early. I tried to explain without any evidence at all. I let emotions over rule! Argh! I should boiking my self in the head. BOINK! BOINK! BOINK!!! Ahhhh there you go...my head is much clearer now. What is wrong with me? What the hell was I thinking? I forgot that communication is very important. My professors should be killing me for this.

I was able to let go of alot of baggages today. I can say that I can be more understanding this time. More careful. Much stronger. To you my friend thank you affirming the friendship that we share. Sometimes when change in the environment occurs some feelings of insecurity may arise. I apologize for the inappropriate reaction honey. Thank for making me feel the warmth of the friendship bond we share. That no matter how long we might be apart, we would just need to catch up from where we left off and enjoy once again the friendship that we have. Despite your knowing, you have taught and showed me another facet of friendship. That we can never put formulas or boundaries to it. We will never be able to make even an "accurate forecast" of what may happen to us. We need to live a day at a time and share stories that challenge the intellect and refreshes each one's soul. I look forward to those.

Love you...

Great Spirit, keep this friend of mine safe.
Let his heart be steadfast.
May wisdom of ways be rewarded such a man.
Keep the abundance of care and understanding in his heart.
.:M:.

Surrendering to Destiny

There is no need to hold on and waste emotions. There is a tendency to succumb to paranoia if I just keep on. So now I set him free.

I know that this is the right thing to do, to lift it all (emotions and thought processes) up and release it to the inevitable. Let destiny take its place. I need my stability back. I need to be able to take charge of my thought processes once again. My job could be at stake. But despite the saline eyes, I know that the Great Spirit has reminded me (again!) that men who have pure hearts do exist. So DreamCatcher, do not fret. Be steadfast and teach your heart to be still and wait.

To you my prince, I wish you the hapiness you truly deserve. Thank you for the friendship. May you know that when the situation arises I will be there for you. Do not be afraid of being denied. I give you back the shoulder to cry on that you once offered yet I declined. May your days be bright and your nights be filled with His peace. Love you...