They say that when I love I do not think about myself. Self-less as they call it. And this goes for evrything, be it friendship or the romantic type that we all know of. And the problem my friends see is that there is a tendency for me not to know my limit. They say I create pain for my own heart. Yet sometimes I welcome that pain not because I am sadistic or anything but because I want to be able to say that I gave it my all before I gave up.

Once again I am in that situation and to my friends that patiently wait, relax. I know what I am getting myself into. It may create hurt in the future but I want to be able to say I loved will my whole heart and soul. I appreciate you all being there looking out for me. I love you all.

I am very very happy. I cannot describe it any other way. But the ball is not in my court. So I will continue to enjoy the moment and treasure his friendship.

To my Friend with a kind and understanding heart,

I know not what goes on inside your head. What are you thinking? What is it your feeling? There seems to be confusion, but it could me not knowing you fully. I wish to deepen the friendship. I want to know more about you. Knowing why it is that you react the way you do. You have offered me your friendship and yet there seems to be things that you me leave in dark. I would not like to demand for anything, because then it would not be how I define friendship. But all I ask is for your assurance that I am your friend.

I apologize for taking out my insecurity with you. I would just like to be honest. I am scared you are slipping away. I wouldnt want that. I love you my friend and I put so much worth and meaning to that statement.


in the spirit of friendship,
a Catcher of Dreams

So much activity around my life! I don't know if I can keep up. I guess it is so far so good though! Words spoken out of the truth, friendships tested and theories proven. There has been alot of emotions felt that I never thought I would be able to go through in my lifetime. The pain and heartaches may not have been done to me personally however there seems to be a bond with them that I share whatever is happening with their lives. I get hurt when other people hurt them. I cry their tears and feel their hearts being ripped apart. If only I can take on the grief and sorrow they are experiencing I would. But all I can do is assure them that I will be there till the last tear is shed.

I value friendships. I treasure friends. They are the crayons that color my world, and oh what a vibrant life I lead. You know who you people are!! I love you deeply with all my heart, my life and my soul. Thank you!

You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Understanding oneself can be quite a challenge. There are certain reactions to some situations that we even we surprise ourselves.. Could it be the "default system" at work?

There was just a feeling that there is a need to detach from certain people tonight. Too much disclosure of oneself in a very unstable time may not be welcomed by some people. It was just too much too soon. Continuing with that kind of openess can jeopardize the friendship or worse be interpreted in the wrong way. From the start, the motive was pure. Friendship and no other expectations or levels as they put it. However at this point in time, there is an air of doubt that can be felt. That trust is not a 100% and detachment is necessary.

I did not want to detach. I wanted to continue showing them who I was. And yet the reactions to my actions were unnatural, even uncalled for. It prompted me to say things I somehow regret.

I feel the guilt though. I didnt want him to feel bad. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hold his hand and assure him that evrything was fine with us. I wanted to tell him that I was paranoid. For him to know how I truly felt. Fear stopped me. I was afraid he would not understand it the way I wanted him to or the way I meant it to be. IN the quiet depths of my soul I wanted this man to be my friend. How do you tell him that?

A man I could say anything and evrything too. Share my insights. Tell him my pain and confusion about men. Ask him how I can fully comprehend this beings that give us women such hurt and still having the safety of not being misjudged. I sense his heart it is pure and considerate. Truly a man of depth and courage of the spirit. He is a brother and friend. Fortunately, NEVER a lover.

Knowing I do not have control of his friends feelings, emotions and reactions, I choose to give space. Think for a while and regroup. Pray and learn to come back to the middle.

This is not intended for anyone in particular. It is just a product of my thought process (Vencer, 2002). If it does seem to pertain to certain events or people, I do apologize. It maybe that I was forced to use the words that have been running around inside my head. But it is applicable to my reactions. And I do fall into the same mode at certain times.

Despite having learned one's lesson from the past. Even if we say we have matured. There will always be that "behavioral default system" we go back to. That kind of behavior that we resort to when that part of us that we keep hidden from those we feel are capable of inflicting so much pain is threatened. To situations that can leave hurt and pain to your soul- that which can change your life forever- your tendency is to automatically shut the doors. It comes instinctly. It is as if the warning signs go out and the vault locks. You once again detach from anyone and anything. What complicates it more is realizing that it could come from a person you thought would have shielded you, a person you trusted or the person you considered your friend. The irony that you gave your trust and that person handed back betrayal. And the pain this brings causes you to go back into your shell. We switch to the "behavioral default system." Because this is the time that the spirit and flesh are both weak. We physically and emotionally do not want to fight. Quite like an emergency system. A defense.

Questions abound. You smoke one cigarette after the other. Alcohol can become a close friend. This is the time you value silence and solitude. There is s tendency to analyze each minute and the circumstances that have passed. You ask the ultimate question....Why did I let it happen? What went wrong? Why didn't I see it coming? How could that person do this to me? You flood your mind trying to dissect each part of the situation.

The difficulty of this "behavioural default system" is that it becomes such a task to get back to being the way it was. After the sting of the events, you still feel the throbbing of your heart. It has left its scar. Something that even time will have a challenge in healing. And there will always be that apprehension to be the same person. There is anxiety that you maybe hurt in that intensity again. That another person may decieve you in the same way. So the challenge is how to gather strength from the positive things that have to you and at the same time keep the lessons from the negative endeavors.

If there is one thing to remember when we sucumb to this certain frame of mind (yes I'm still talking about the "behavioral default system"). The important thing is what we become after each ordeal. I choose to be positive. It might be easier said than done but it is possible. I hold on to that possibility, for I know that as the clouds part after the rain I will see a clearer sky!

Living with Positivity

"There is so much negativity in this world, we need to stay positive."

So be it! As much as possible and if I can help it I will strive to be positive at all times. I have been complaining about some of the people around me. This has not helped me in any aspect. It even brings me more negativity. Ther buck stops here, otherwise it will just continue on sliding from station to station.

It's been our first week in the new apartment. Jeanette & Josh, Ivy and myself. We are actually proud that we have transformed it to a place where would just love to hangout in. A home that reflects the beach, a place we wish we could be everyday of our lives.

Its been a week of interior decoration, cooking and simply staying at home and getting a feel of it. Excitement is at its peek. There still are a few things we need to invest in like a television and a radio. But other than that it looks like a home and better yet feels like a home.

I still live a day at a time and praying for happiness and success in all our endeavors, for me as well as my soul sisters. This is indeed a big step towards living the life we choose. May we do it well. As Ivy said, "We shall conquer this day with courage as our creed, with love as our sword and friendship as our shield, the family as our visor, and faith as our armour!"

Mumblings and Musings...

If I would take a look inside myself and be honest with my current state of mind, body and soul, I would say I am very LOST! My operative words as of the moment would include negativity, confusion, spaced-out, huh, what-was-that-again-I'm-sorry, and other synonyms that - as of the time i am writing this- I just cannot find the words to express. Not to mention I am constantly bombarding myself with a questions. Heart is asking my mind and my mind is not just insync with my heart right now and since both play an important role in my decison making then you see where the dilemna comes from.

I don't want to blame anyone or anything with all the instability in in my life right now. If only I can shut my mouth (which is a very hard feat) and go away to a place of solitude wherein positive energy abounds, I would just like to think and contemplate. In this way I can actually avoid saying things I may regret later. But hello! Reality check DreamCatcher. I have a job that I really need to keep as of the moment. It is my only source of money. And just to remind everyone, we do need money to survive. Yet I stress and convince myself I really do need to reflect on my decisions and reactions to the stimulus that "life" has given me. Personal as well as professional. Otherwise the white flag will be raised to depression. And that is something I do not want to think about. I will never surrender, after everything I have accomplished, not now!

I need to carefully weigh all the committments I get myself into. I cannot really say if this is another hang-up because of the life I led, fact is I tend to slow down when there is a need to commit. It is apparent even at work. Blah....blah...blah.... I don't know how pathetic I can be. I say these things about slowing down but when my friends asked me to move in with them I imediately (take note, not even pausing) say YES! So now I am moving in with them. In an apartment in Quezon City, with Jeannette & Josh and Ivy, my bestfriend.

Unbelievable it may seem. However these is how I have played my cards. Let's just see what happens in the next few days. As things unfold each day, may I walk in the path led by the Great Spirit. I need to...

May the Love between us be strong
May the Trust between us be whole
And may the words between us be True.
May our eyes See one another
May our ears Hear one another
May our Hearts Touch one another
And may our souls Hold one another

-Annazi Prayer (Annazi is an American Indian tribe)

While writing this I am talking to my soul sister Jeanette on the phone. She had to endure a long conversation with a person I don't really know how to treat like now. I am in a confused stage. I will be honest here. I will try to confront myself. To finally say what I want to say. If ever there will be reactions that is your opinion. And I may respect your opinions but that is "MY" call. What I will write here is what I FEEL! And when a person feels something you cannot contend with that and rob them of experiencing "EMOTIONS."

Right now I have to face my own skeletons and stand up to what I believe in. Alot of things have happend around me. And its as if everything has slipped our noses. I feel betrayed, there I said it after a long struggle between my heart and mind. You ask why? Its because as I told Jeanette, all the words exchanged, the blogs, emails and the feelings expressed all of these are just shaking my relationship with my Soul Sisters. Not to mention testing my integrity and character in the workplace. But what really gripes my heart is that fact that it involves someone who I thought I could trust. And it was shattered by the fact that this person didn't even tell us what was happening. I treated him like family, like a brother, and it wouldnt have been difficult to tell me what was happening, what he was feeling.

I really can't put a finger on the reason why everything had to reach "this level." All I know is that there is something NOT right. There have been words spoken that have pierced the hearts. Actions that have not been consistent. All these are just rushing into my brain and right now I would just want to contemplate. If I can only run to Galera like my sis Jeanette, I would. I wish I could just lay on the beach and watch the sunset. Or be on the rockies, sit there and hear the waves crash against them. In short I just want to be away and search for the reason of all the turmoil that's happening.

Well for now, think nalang ako and pray.

Those that read this. This surge of words are indeed results of my being (once again) analytical of the things happening around me and to me, HOWEVER, they are not for anyone to feel I am talking about them. They are merely thoughts I would like to let out, and maybe in time would like to read back. Thoughts that make me realize there are more things to learn about myself. For the next few days this will be a work in progress...

People know I am non-confrontational. It must be a trait I got from my father. As in all things there will always be the positive and the negative side to it.

For the negative, people sometimes don't listen to my opinion. Well for most parts I am the type of person that I would rather hear out the whole thing, cuddle up on a comfortable chair, have my luckies and really think (as in drain my brain juices!), in short I am usually silent in a discussion. The only time you will hear an instant reaction from me is if one, a person gives a judgemental reaction about a friend or family and two, when they start forming wrong opinions of who I am especially if they do not even me. If that will happening boy, will you get a piece of my mind. Its funny when I know my mind can think really fast when it wants to. This is the reason that sometimes I feel like I can put a story in a time machine I can use the present and try to forsee what will happen and it not only in a certain angle. I will scrutinize every nook and cranny of all the possible the situations. Some of the "scenes" I bring out maybe impossible, but for me at least I have seen it at all points. My mind may be able to think fast but the organizing side of it cannot keep up. My statements can be so unorganized that there are times my friends just go, "huh?", "what are you saying?" or worst "oh shut up DreamCatcher!"

Well on the other hand not being confrontational gives me time to think things through. I
'

I am so proud of my Tagteam! He went for his dreams! There was a time that I had to talk to him about going for whatever he thought would make him happy and now he has. He wanted to take up photography and he did. Now he has won first place in a PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT.
Here are two his winning photographs.
I am really so proud of him. Indeed he is really one of those people I value and has made such an impact in my life. Again my tagteam.
I love you!

I have gotten a chance to once again talk to a very good friend. People may question why I have remained friends with her but hey, she's good to me and I value her. She has proven that she can rise up from the waves that crash into her life, and these happen to be really HUGE waves, mind you. I trust her too, she's never failed me in that department. And I appreciate her objectivity. There was time she approached me to tell me about certain improvement points in managing people in my team and she actually made me cry. She told me how she felt whenever I would give her a project and it were valid feelings actually. I was crying because she was right and I did not know I made her feel such. Her opinions matter, when she talks I will definitely listen.

Now she is in my department and we have the same position. I was looking forward to this and I can very welll say she is capable. But she feels that she gone to war too prematurely. No ammunition, no instructions and no map whatsoever. I can say I've been there,done that. It's a very difficult situation to be in. It takes it toil on your emotional being as well as physical health. Talking to this friend made realize why people say I have changed.

I used to be very passionate with my job. Since I joined the company I knew what I wanted- be Trainer. I had my eyes set on that goal from the beginning. All my efforts had a reason. It wasnt long that my efforts were acknowledge. I was promoted to Training Specialist by March of this year. I felt I had achieved. I was on top of the world. What I didnt know was that it was a start of another bumpy road.

The Training Department had alot of responsibilities and like my friend I had to adjust otherwise. The greatest challenge came from the fact that we had to learn in a limited amount of time and there was only two of us doing everything. I am a workaholic so naturally I tried to do evrything I can accomoidate. Guess I took in so much. Because midway into the year I feel so burnt out. Everything is just going haywire. My health, the relationship with my father and giving time to those I call friends. As my mother would say "Mhay, your strecting yourself too thin again!" Well I guess its a viscious cycle I go through. That I give too much only to find myself gasping for air at the end. I should start learning from those marathon runners on how to sustain and endure the long journey.

Its really hard. Right now I am trying to make a paradigm shift. To be able to do pacing in order for me to survive the loong trek to the top. I would rather it be slowly yet surely. I am also re-evaluating the career options I have in other industries so not restrict myself. I really do see myself in more arts and culture related field. We'll see. As I said I am not in a rush. I will pray about this.

So much thoughts are locked up in my head. It is a struggle to keep focused with work now a days. So much energy has been drained just thinking about it. I don't really understand what is happening. My boss and even Janis notices that I do not have the same fire I had for my job. Ivy, my bestfriend, calls it burn out. I say it could be lossing sight of the goal. Or even NOT knowing what the goal is. I need to figure this out soon and fast. Otherwise...

I look forward to Saturday. We will be having a family day at Big Brother Meek's house. That should be something to look forward to. I just want to be one with my element and let all that is bothering me just float away. Be gone!

Twas a great weekend. The weather was great in Puerto Galera. It was as if the sun and clouds knew we were coming and they smiled down on us.

Jeanette went scuba diving and I went snorkeling off the reefs of Sabang. It was BEAUTIFUL! There were alot of fishes of all sizes and all the possible color combinations were there. In my delight I would dive down and try to follow the fishes that I forget I only had on a snorkel that I choke on sea water. I can be so dumb at times. There was even an instance I felt so stupid. After snorkelling I called for the boat to come and get me. Since I felt so tired I wanted to sleep while we wait for the divers, so lay down on the haul of the boat. But I guess my mind was too exhausted that I had my head lower than my feet naturally when I got up I felt so seasick...you know how that story ended huh? Oh well so I just sat up and actually wanted to jump and just be in the water- felt safer there.

While still waiting for Jeanette to surface, I saw four divers that wre preparing to descend to Sabang wreck. Their dive master told them that on the count of three they would all release the air in their vests in order to descend. One...twoo...three...I counted with them. I saw three of them go down in real time while this one diver still had his head poking out of the water. He started to look around and then as if trying to keep calm said "I'm not sinking!" It was hilarious...I couldnt stop laughing! When finally thought he had sucessfully sunk himself, I saw his blue fins sticking out of the water waving feriously....He was just upside down, he still could not sink. Ha ha ha ha!!!! It was a really good laugh.

We also discovered a really beautiful hotel. Its called the Tropicana Castle. Located in Sabang, its a fusion of medieval, spanish and Filipino Influences. I would really like to stay there. The pool area was so wonderful too. It had sun beaches all around and a relaxing waterfall at the far end of the area.

As a whole my weekend was great. There were alot of search and rescue in Sabang but I guess it just was not meant to be. Right Jean?

There have been a change of plans. It seems the Feast of the Goddesses will be moved to a place in the city. We found this really terrific place right smack in the middle of Ortigas. Its beautiful. Very romantic, fit for the goddesses.

I am also on my way home to pack some stuff for an overnight stay in Puerto Galera. My soul sister Jeanette, will do some diving so I am going to the dive site with here to do some snorkeling. I am very excited!!!! I was supposed to stay home during the weekend but when she told me if I can go with her it seemed like my lips just automatically responded yes. Me and the Beach--inseparable! I will try to just unwind and rest my tired mind. Do some soul searching most probably. I need it.

I will try to write about it when I get back.

Why is it that some people don't seem to just listen? All I am trying to do is put sense into her. I mean make look at it from ALL angles and I mean all. You can't just go on telling people its impossible when you haven't even given it a try. Exhaust all means first as I would say. Life is not always a bed of roses. There are some sacrifices that you have to make. And it is when we have tried our all, gave it our best shot that we can actually say...It will not work.

I am trying my best to put sense into this. I mean is it me that is not able to look at the bigger picture? Am not trying to help my team? Is it just because I am not the one in thge situation that I do not see it in the right perspective?

Of course I am trying to help my team. I would like them to be successful in their endeavors. In the end it will be the whole team that benefits, right? Why is it then that I am the bad guy? I am the inconsiderate team mate that does not see it the way other people see it?

All I wanted to tell them was that the management IS doing something about it. It is not as if they are leading us to a dark dungeon alone. As much as possible they would like everyone to stay in the same building but the truth of the matter is THERE ARE NO WORKSTATIONS LEFT! They may not have forseen such a growth which is usually the case but we can see each boss doing something about it. If they wish to tell them about their "concern" then they should be prepared to give them alternatives. As it is management has looked into each possibility and this is the lesser of evils. A compromise as they say. I mean I still believe in some of the bosses and I know that they are working as hard as us to be able to deliver good customer service to both external and internal customers. Can't they see that?

I don't know as it is I am also furious that I should have to be the one to raise my voice just to get someone to look at the different angles and I end up being the culprit! Good heavens!!!!!! I give up then.

Bad timing that I am actually trying to assess if this is the career for me and this is what I get for my hard work I also put in. Well I do work for my name right and if I do have to save that name then I will. If it means to leave the company then so be it....

I do not understand the gush of emotions I encountered today. Tears were actually falling while I was inside the jeepney (its a Filipino mode of transportation). It felt as if I was walking through my childhood and I found myself looking for the most prominent person and I couldn't find him. He was my bestfriend a partner in crime. Never could I have imagined that it would be what it is today.

I was always near him. I looked up to him, the way he treated people, the professionalism he showed at his job, the friendships that he nurtured and more importantly how he reared me. He was always there for me. He took on the responsibility of my mother. He was there in school programs, he took me out to movies, to parades and to the beach. We shared the same personality. Very much outgoing, a people-person and we just love to travel. He was my swimming coach. He was my best friend. We went out on dates wherein we would just talk about life and what I would and could be. I miss those times.

Then my mother came back from Mindanao. I was distant from my mother. I barely knew her. She was gone for such a long time. But I do not blame her. But I also did not know what to do. To complicate things she was jealous of the relationship I developed with the man she also loved.

I am a Daddy's Girl. I am not ashamed of that. It was always nice to have him around. He was fun. I was like him. But its not what it is now. I started growing up. He thought I was rebelling. I wasn't around much for him. I had a bunch of friends from school now and those were the people I hung out with. I guessed he missed being with me too. He missed his baby girl. But I had to do what I was doing. I had to be independent. I wanted tobe as strong-willed as he was. God if I can only bring back time.

Everything is different now. We don't go to the beach anymore. We don't go swimming. we don't go to movies or talk about life or just go target shooting at the Camp Crame range. We lead very separete lives. In the mornings I would purposely wake up late just in time to watch them leave for work. Staring from the window wanting to at least have said goodbye. We try not to cross each other's path when we're at home. Conversations with him are short and direct if not we end up debating. In short we avoid each other. Both souls are so non confrontational that we don't get to tell each other what we really feel. What we don't know is that we're hurting each other in the process. Our solution was, get off each one's back and we will live harmoniously. We pretended there was nothing wrong. Obviously there was. All those years growing up, all the mistakes I have made, it built stone after stone of anger inside him. And now this has been the way to go that its been a habit. Its hard to break. I feel that the mere site of me will get him so angry he might suffer another stroke. I can't live without him. I need him. I miss him greatly.
If I could just bring myself to start the healing and forgiving process but I can't. I would have wanted it to remain the way it was. I want to be able to tell him how scared I am of what is happening in my life. To reveal how I am scared of being hurt by the men in my life. Wanting his wisdom on career and love. The relationship I wanted was that of independence but in times that I feel so lost or torn by all the evil in the world I could crawl on to his lap, tell him about it and just cry.

I If there was one prayer I would so like answered, it would be that I can again convey to him how much I value him in my life. Next to God, he is my fortress and cornerstone. I love you Papa, forever. I am still your baby girl, I just grew up.